How do you deal with a passive aggressive spouse?

[ThatOneHurt]

He only does it about once a year but it fucking enrages me.

Today he is doing it.

Long story short. DH walks into the flat with his shoes on. This really fucks me off. I hate shoes on in the house and he's marked the carpet this way before. The flat is originally mine (rented) so the desposit is in my name so damage will affect how much I get back.

He has he shoes on today. I pointed it out. He shouted at me that he pays the rent now so he can do what he likes. Hours later, he still has them on.

WRT him paying all the rent now.
Yup he does.

He inherited a house, he decided to rent it out (I said we should sell it) which means we arent entitled to tax credits and I'm no longer entitled to any NHS bursary which I used to live on.
I now have zero money apart from the peanuts I earn through part time work inbetween juggling a degree and our two kids.

So through stupid decisions that I was against his doing, he is now is the soul earner and has to pay all the rent and bills. My income (about £200 a month) just about covers my own bills, car tax etc.

So apparently now he can wear his shoes in the house, walk crap everywhere, because
"I PAY THE RENT AND I CAN WEAR MY SHOES IN HERE IF I WANT"

And fuck my deposit.

He does stupid passive aggressive crap like this.
One time he stuck my washing puff thing on the other side of the bathroom at by the ceiling as far away from the shower as possible. The reason? Because I used to stick it on the wrong tile and it used to drip on him.

I hate passive aggressiveness. It's pathetic and it makes me angry. I don't want to get angry because that's him winning.
How do I deal with it?

Hi op you have been on my mind

I’m currently trying to work out how to deal with a situation where my x is continuing to emotionally abuse Dd because she has not done what he wants. This shite never ends!

Did you go home? I think it is possible for you to gain control of this and buy yourself some time.

I get not wanting to mess up Christmas I think you have enough on your plate without adding this into the mix currently. You need to focus on yourself and your baby - this additional stress will not be good for either of you.

Your DH is behaving like a child - you need to treat him like one! He is using tactics to scare you and throw you off guard when you are already vulnerable.

You need to put the decisions back on him - going back to the house is not necessarily showing him that you are giving in - it is you reclaiming your territory! If it is not too late you need to tell him that all you want him to do is remove his shoes - you have asked him before - he is abusing your boundaries by refusing to do so and risking your deposit. This is not acceptable behaviour and at the same time he is teaching his kids to be disrespectful too! Tell him to hire a carpet cleaner get the carpets cleaned for Xmas and that is all - not big dramatics over him leaving etc!

This is still calling his bluff!

Try and let the dust settle - use your mum as much as possible for support! If after Xmas and once the baby has settled a bit go back to the solicitor you saw previously and find out where you stand - do not tell him this is what you are doing - you need to keep your cards close to your chest! I made the mistake of telling my x what I would do - I thought it would make him see sense - it didn’t - he was on a different agenda already.

Go to your Gp re your son - tell them you are concerned about his behaviour he is developing abusive traits and yiu are concerned about his long term mental health! He needs to talk to someone other than you who can help him see his behaviour is wrong and will end up being self destructive if he continues as is!

There is a book on boundaries I read which is very good - I can’t remember the name right now - you need to assert yours - this can be done within a relationship - your DH expects you to react in a certain way based on past behaviour - the best way of catching him out is to change this - don’t say anything just calmly and assertively start reclaiming your boundaries. How he reacts will give you your next move. Some people are capable of change of learning new ways to interact, communicate with others but they need to be shown how. This can come from you. Start slowly start with the carpet - no big fuss just this is what you want to happen and this is how it’s going to happen - if your DH does not hire the carpet cleaner - you do it but leave it for him to do. Give him the chance - make it easy for him not from a place of weakness but of strength. Don’t keep reminding him he has to make the choice himself - as I said how he responds will give you your next step but it doesn’t come overnight.

Also with a new baby - maybe you need to do things differently here too - if he left it all to you in the past - now again is a chance to say this time we’re doing it this way!

I wish you luck I hope you have managed to get your head in a better place! X

well thought out and helpful post greenberet.

Thanks puss.

This sulking lark - for some reason we look at this wrong - myself included. We all want to feel connected to other humans especially those we are in a relationship with. When this connection is withdrawn we take this as a reflection of something we have done wrong and this gives the other person the “power”.

If you can look at it another way and see that their sulking is a reflection of their OWN vulnerability - that they are dealing with an issue/ feeling that they do t know how to put into words - that they cannot see it as being part of them but instead have to blame it on you - to not lose even more of themselves this too can evaporate the sense of control you think they have over you.

With another baby your Dh is pretty vulnerable financially - as much as he wants to claim what is his he may find he has no power to do so - this is where your trip to solicitors will give you a trump card. So instead of voicing his feelings which is what a competent adult would do he makes it all about you.

If you can get your head around this and put his stuff firmly back on his shoulders and carry on with your responsibility calmly and confidentily this will be the biggest head fuck going!

If his tactics no longer effect you he cannot play the game - but this is where you will need your strength and support as he will probably up the anti - but if you can hold strong he may realise this is all his doing and have to grow up or alternatively you will leave him when you are strong enough - this is what he fears the most - he’s pushing you to see how far he can go - what he does not realise is he is actually self fulfilling his worst fear! It’s just fear covered in bullshit!

I think you've got a lot more issues here than your carpet and deposit.

He's not showing you any respect, and that's what I'd be worried about.

Do you really want to live like this?

I came home about half an hour ago. I walked in with my bags, he walked out with his.

I spoke to him last night, I said the last time he threw in my face about the house I saw a solicitor and I warned him about it ending our marriage and it's happened again only worse this time.

He said he was gutted beyond words that it was ending. He tried to defend what he meant when he said those things. I said the fact that he cannot see what was wrong with the things he said just shows me that I'm doing the right thing.

He said he just wants to get through this but, sell the house and we'll be back to normal.

I said there's no way I'm co-owning a house with him. He will forever be there to remind me that the only reason we own that house is because of him. He will forever remind me that I'm in debt to him for his. Only it will be worse, because I will be financially tied to it and leaving him will be massively disruptive to the kids so it's better if I just end it here and stay in this flat.

He didn't text back.

He's left now.

My DS called me a bitch once because I confiscated his phone. This does not make him a monster, I do not need to speak to his school and I do not need to see the GP.
He's just a 12 year old that got pissed off with me.
Yes I absolutely need to address it, but he's a lovely child who is otherwise empathetic, thoughtful, loving and caring who pushes boundaries occasionally and recently got upset when I put my foot down.
This does not make him a psychopath in the making. It makes him a child and I need to explain to him that it's disrepectful to speak about me the way he did, he missed us very much this weekend so I think a point has already begun to be made with regards to the unacceptability of the situation. I also need to tread carefully so he doesn't start to believe that me and his dad splitting is anything to do with him calling me a bitch.

Currently I feel utterly depressed.
I feel as though DH fucked this up and it's up to him to make amends. If he doesn't want to fight for this family then clearly I made him very unhappy and he's pleased to be out of this marriage. I would like to think that he will reevaluate how he's handled things with regards to the house and money and try and improve the situation.

I've no idea what's going to happen next.

Have a third baby and Christmas as a single parent. Great.

Maybe a bit of cooling off time is best at this point OP. He can see the reality of not being together and you're not in each other's faces.

Had you said previously your DS had called you a bitch “once” I would not have suggested what I did.

Hopefully you can get his behaviour under control and this is just a one off!

Sounds to me like you are both pretty stressed - understandable with a new baby on the horizon, Xmas too and a uni deadline - some good communication could sort this out!

I've communicated to him very clearly that if he shouted the odds that he controls the money and rent at me then I would leave him.

We should be able to cope with normal stresses such as babies and Christmas and uni, even have a mild argument, without him reminding me that I'm indebted to him because he pays the rent, and that I should be grateful because I get a house out of him.

I communicated clearly and calmly that I wouldn't stay in a marriage that was unequal in that regard.

So if that's what you mean by communication "sorting this out." Then you're right.

But I don't think that's what you mean at all.

Sorry you’re going through this op

I completely agree with you on this, he’s so far out of order. You should be able to disagree without him flinging, highly unfounded accusations at you, or resort to name calling, it shows either mental instability, such as abuse, or emotional immaturity.

You may not be paying the rent, however you are contributing, prob more to the family and home than he is. Contribution isn’t just about how much money you bring to the table.

But as someone mentioned above, you are now at a cross roads, because if you let this slip again, albeit for Xmas, pregnancy or kids it will only compound the issue and make it look like you are throwing empty threats about, and having a bit of a paddy then coming home. I know he’s left but that is also a form of abuse if he’s using it, again maybe in a passive aggressive way

Him leaving is a form of abuse?

He left because I asked him too. He said he was absolutely gutted that I've said that it's over. I'm gutted too.
I hope that he fights tooth and nail to get his family back, but I don't know how.

How can he prove that he won't do it again??
That's if he even wants to. He may feel relieved that he's out of it.

Just a week ago he said he was happy in our marriage and sounded very sincere when doing so. Now this.

He was happy in his marriage a week ago, OP, because you were toeing the line and not complaining and swallowing his bull shit. You Mum is absolutely correct; he created this financial situation and now he wants to throw it back in your face. I think the scales have fallen from your eyes. Your Mum sounds ace.

You are referring to “they” and “them” in this letting them stew bit.

Your 12 year son.

Who is a mess, yes. And completely out of order. But where’s he getting that from, calling his mother a bitch?

He’s getting it from his father primarily, and from you for accepting it from his father.

Leaving a 12yo to “stew” with his father is wrong. He’s with a father who bad mouths his mother, and is dealing with the fact that you have walked out on him.

The right way to deal with that is not to leave a 12yo “stewing” in a toxic environment but to show him clearly that it is not acceptable to call you a bitch - which means leaving his waste of space of a father who has taught him that it’s OK.

Give up on your cunt of a husband, don’t give up on your son.

Hi @thatone how are you today? I’m sorry that things have turned out this way for you. I’m very glad that you are home with both of your dc. It is unacceptable t be screamed at and treated the way you have been by you DH. He obviously doesn’t value your role in the family or respect you as a person.

Thinking of you and hoping you are managing to eat and sleep ok.

Thanks for thinking of me. I feel utterly depressed.

DH collected all bar two things last night. He text that he couldn't fit anymore in his truck so will be back on Saturday to get the rest and will be putting it into storage.

So he's clearly not willing to fight for his family.

well let's be honest, you were a bit gung ho about getting him gone.

Most posters on here appear to be of the LTB variety, even for often small issues that most couples take in their stride and get over, so taking their advice needs to be thought over carefully as they don't have to deal with what could be the devastating and long lasting consequences.

This is of course not to say that there are behaviours which are unacceptable - passive aggressive behaviour being one. I just think that when it only happens occasionally, then other means need to be tried first before the final 'auf wiedersehen',

Pusspuss9 I didn't ask my husband to leave because of the advice on Mumsnet.
If I was that way inclined we wouldn't have lasted the first 12 months of marriage. DH would breath the wrong way and MN tell me to leave the bastard.

The reason DH isn't here is because I refuse to be financially bullied by him.

I looked back on my posting history and in 6 months he has pulled the "I pay the rent food and bills - what I say goes" trick 3 times.
I let it go twice before. I saw a solicitor to see where I stood if this financial bullying continued. I told him what I would do if it happened again.

I didn't ask him to leave because strangers on the internet told me to. I don't base my marriage and it's future on the opinion of MN'ers.
I did this because I had to. Because I feel as though I tried everything else.

I'm allowed to be gutted and depressed and absolutely terrified of the future despite this happening. Despite me being the only me who pushed the matter over the edge.

I keep running over in my head what I would do differently if I could turn back time.
And there's nothing. I told him I couldn't be in an unequal marriage where he whips me with the fact that he supports us as a family now in a way to keep me down. I feel sick at the thought of being a single parent, of my children being products of yet another broken family, but what else am I supposed to do?
I can't show my 3 sons that it's ok for them to speak to their future wives this way. I need to teach them that in a marriage it's a team, a partnership an equal.
I cannot leave my values and pride at the door because owning a house has given my husband a methephorical hard on.

I still love him despite this. But as well all know, love isn't always enough.

Op thank you for your response.

I was also in a passive and aggressive relationship and for many years I didn't recognise it as such and didn't realise I was being horribly abused. Only after he went off with much younger OW did I realise what my friends and family had seen for a long time but never pointed out to me. Funnily enough I had a carpet incident similar to yours which pulled me up short about him and when I began to realise something wasn't right.

I misread your intentions and for that I apologise for my post.

You're in a difficult place at the moment . I hope things work out better for you .

No need to apologise, I appreciate your support.

HI @ThatOneHurt I've just read the full thread for the first time, and wanted to say how sorry I am that it's come to this, but also that I think you are awesome for following this through.

I can't show my 3 sons that it's ok for them to speak to their future wives this way. I need to teach them that in a marriage it's a team, a partnership an equal.

^ I applaud you 100% for this. Yes, it's hard and it must hurt like hell, but you cannot put up with being spoken to like this for the rest of your life.

Just keep on keeping on for the next few days, get some legal advice and then worry about what comes next.

I'm sorry OP but well done on standing your ground and following through.
What he is doing in not OK.
Call on support from family and friends and see a solicitor ASAP.
Keep going.
You can do this!

What frustrates me the most in all of this is how fair and equal and generous and giving he is in every other aspect.

I read stuff on MN about selfish lazy husbands and I think I'm really lucky not to have someone like that.

And I think back to this a lot. I think, what the fuck am I doing? He's a great husband and father. The money thing is only one problem.

But it's a huge problem. And it's a problem that's not going to go away because that house is a life long gift.

I'm giving it too weeks and I'm going to revisit the situation. I'm going to consider marriage counselling - if he's game and just re-evaluate the situation.

My marriage may not be salvageable at all. But if this truly ends in divorce I need to feel as if I exhausted every avenue to make it work before it comes to that.

As for the solicitor, I wish I could see one.

But therein lies the problem. I have absolutely no money whatsoever.

@ThatOneHurt for what it's worth I applaud your stance.

The inequality and him throwing it in your face to diminish you is a huge huge deal,

And I wouldn't put up with it either.

And here's a 'fuck you' to those on the other site calling me a troll.
Yes it escalated quickly, but it isn't like this didn't stem from nowhere. It's not the first time it's happened.

Thank you to all those who believed me, gave me advice and supported me.

Fuck you to those who called bullshit.

Do you have any access to a joint bank account @ThatOneHurt? How are you going to eat? Just a bit worried that he's going to worm his way back in by withholding funds.