How do you deal with a passive aggressive spouse?

[ThatOneHurt]

He only does it about once a year but it fucking enrages me.

Today he is doing it.

Long story short. DH walks into the flat with his shoes on. This really fucks me off. I hate shoes on in the house and he's marked the carpet this way before. The flat is originally mine (rented) so the desposit is in my name so damage will affect how much I get back.

He has he shoes on today. I pointed it out. He shouted at me that he pays the rent now so he can do what he likes. Hours later, he still has them on.

WRT him paying all the rent now.
Yup he does.

He inherited a house, he decided to rent it out (I said we should sell it) which means we arent entitled to tax credits and I'm no longer entitled to any NHS bursary which I used to live on.
I now have zero money apart from the peanuts I earn through part time work inbetween juggling a degree and our two kids.

So through stupid decisions that I was against his doing, he is now is the soul earner and has to pay all the rent and bills. My income (about £200 a month) just about covers my own bills, car tax etc.

So apparently now he can wear his shoes in the house, walk crap everywhere, because
"I PAY THE RENT AND I CAN WEAR MY SHOES IN HERE IF I WANT"

And fuck my deposit.

He does stupid passive aggressive crap like this.
One time he stuck my washing puff thing on the other side of the bathroom at by the ceiling as far away from the shower as possible. The reason? Because I used to stick it on the wrong tile and it used to drip on him.

I hate passive aggressiveness. It's pathetic and it makes me angry. I don't want to get angry because that's him winning.
How do I deal with it?

To me, it just doesn't sound that bad. You say he's usually a quiet passive man, and that once a year he has an outburst.

So this year's outburst was him saying he'd wear his shoes inside if he wants to.

And last year's outburst was him asking you to put your shower puff somewhere where it wouldn't drip on him, and then putting it on the far side of the bathroom when you did it again.

When you get angry you think it as justified and due to being 'stressed'. He, on the other hand, finds you to be 'a bitch' in those moments.

You want someone who does what you tell them to do (take shoes off inside) but who does not mind when you ignore what they are telling you to do (put shower puff somewhere where it won't drip on him).

It does sound like he doesn't parent effectively but I don't know what to believe because you are also very upset about some things that just don't seem that bad to me. Maybe you are just fundamentally incompatible. You certainly seem to make each other miserable. I do wonder why you decided to have another baby when things are already tense between you and you hate his parenting style.

You're wrong about the shoes and the shower puff thing.

The shower puff - I forgot once. I didn't do it to be a passive aggressive arse and scream in his face that I can do what I want because I pay the rent.
I simply pressed it onto the wrong tile when I was in the shower.

The shoes thing was massively blown out of proportion.
I looked down and quietly said "you have your shoes on" thinking that he had just forgotten.
He took that as a good time to aggressively scream at me that he pays the rent so he will do whatever the hells like.

Which was deeply unfair because the reason he pays all the rent is because he made very bad financial decisions which means I have almost zero income. So not only did he screw me over - despite me warning him it was a bad idea - he tries to guilt trip me about it and use it against me.

So no - the shower puff thing and the shoe issue is not me expecting him to do what I want but not doing what he wants. If it was that simple I wouldn't be laying in an uncomfortable premier inn rights now.

Sorry, but lots of silly decisions on your part

Ok. Can I get some feedback as to why?

But it happens once a year. I know that I overreact to something, make a bad decision, say something unkind and regret it later, at least once a year. The rest of the time, you say he's very quiet and passive.

I'm more interested in the parenting issues. You have two dc, 12 and 7, and it sounds like you clash about parenting. He thinks you're too strict (controlling, shouting, a bitch) while you think he's too lax to the point of letting them do what they want. Your relationship with your son is being damaged because he prefers his dad.

Without being in your house it's impossible to know who is right on the parenting, but you need to find common ground in order to present consistency and a united front. I'd have got that sorted before having another baby tbh, but that horse has bolted. Since you are currently in a hotel, do you intend to leave him, or use it as leverage to reach an agreement?

Neither!
I had to walk away because the arguing wasn't ending.
This is a personal fault of mine. I get really angry when faced with a situation like this and I cannot calm down or stop being upset until I physically move away from a situation and simmer down. I can leave the room but my heart beats out of my chest and I play the arguement over in my head and my anger continues to boil over and the argument continues.

If I want the argument to stop, I need to physically leave the house to calm down.

The weather was hideous last night, it was dark, cold and wet. I didn't want to just turn up at a friends house so I booked a nearby cheap premier inn.

DH knows that my way of calming the situation is to leave the situation. In anger I asked him to leave and he refused (fair enough! Why should he he pays the rent) so I left instead.

You've posted before about him OP haven't you? It's not just about the shoes is it.

Am I correct in thinking that the eldest DC isn't his???

Apologies if I'm incorrect, maybe there's another poster with a very similar DH who has rented out an inherited house and left his wife in the shit.

To be fair though DH got really angry too.

The difference is, I do something to make it end. He does the absolute opposite.

I have posted about him before but I don't think I'm who you're thinking of.

All the children are his.

And no, it's way more than the shoes.

I also remember your previous thread about the house.

To be honest OP I think you need to make plans to separate both physically and financially.

It's very clear that your DP shows you minimal respect and your eldest DS is already mimicking that behaviour. It won't be long before your younger DS follows their lead.

If you lived separately and could claim tax credits again etc could you manage financially? It's pretty clear your DP will never give you a penny from "his" house and you're not married so I doubt there's much you can do about that. I think it's time to cut your losses.

We are married. And we are selling the house in a few months and buying a new one in both our names.
Are you sure I'm the same person you're thinking of?

What you said about DS following his lead, you're right. And this is what worries me more than anything.

If we separated I would be financially sound, yes.

Pretty sure, there was a long thread a few months back, mainly about the house if I remember and his plan to keep it in his sole name? Either that or there is someone with almost identical financial circumstances down to the bursary and tax credits!

Based on what you have posted on these issues this doesn't sound like a man who is committed to your shared future, it reads as someone who prioritises themselves at all times and is trying to prioritise his own financial position at the expense of yours (even if he can't ultimately do this legally it seems to be his intention).

Obviously this is only a snap shot and might not be representative of reality, only you really know how bad (or not) things are. If you haven't already I would seek legal advice about the situation generally.

Op ignore those that are saying it’s only once a year - it’s not it’s all the bloody time - you are “tolerating” his behavior day in day out and when you have had enough you can’t hide it anymore - you pick him up on it and then he turns it on you and makes it about you - gives you the punishment once a year which in the past was enough to get you to tow the line and fallback within his control his wants his needs.

Basically he’s a disrespectful arse - moaning that he pays for everything yet the one thing that you are financially responsible for ie the deposit he is deliberately ruining your chances of getting this back. Too right he should take his fucking shoes off - you are not being unreasonable in asking him to do this - he is unreasonable because he doesn’t give a shit about the impact on you emotionally and financially - he is metaphorically walking all over you! Double standards and hypocrisy - recognised pattern in abusive behaviour - I can do this but you can’t!

What he is doing with your 12 year old - absolutely disgusting - abusing him too and sadly by default probably setting him up to be abusive as an adult through learned and copied behaviour.

Get to your Gp get some counselling you need to know beyond doubt that none of this is you -nobody can be a prefect parent - there is no such thing - it is a continual learning curve - but believe me when I say you have your kids best interests at heart - your DH on the other hand is on a completely different path - I’m not going to say LTB as so many just glibly hand out - but please keep yourself strong - you have a baby on the way this is going to make things tough and bottom line I expect your DH is jealous of the completely natural attention this baby is going to get.

Passive aggression is soul destroying I’ve been there - you can be as god damn near to the perfect wife / mother but it will never be enough - I didn’t leave - didnt realise the abuse I was living with until x had an affair - divorce process nearly killed me and my kids are still being emotionally and financially abused by him but it is so very very subtlE. It is possible to get yourself strong - to stop reacting to his silly games - but you will need support - get your 12 year old take him out for the day - cinema maybe - show him love ignore what you or DH is teaching him just keep showing him the right way!

Sending you strength and love to do this x

Sunshinegirl that must have been me. It's basically the exact same situation as that, he did the same thing and threw at me that he is the soul earner so what he says goes.

So I guess it is more than once a year.

I saw a solicitor after that. A certain percentage of that house is mine and when the situation calmed down I explained that to him. He hasn't thrown it at me since. Until now.

So basically if we ever have an argument, that's what he'll resort to. Dick.

Think you need legal advice to be honest he seems abusive and I don't like how the oldest son is being manipulated by him.

Ltb

I think it would be a good idea for you to put newspaper on the floor wherever he is likely to walk, a real paper trail.

I've been married to a lovely, gentle man for many years who will not take shoes off unless specifically told to, usually asked more than once.
In the morning and when he isn't wearing shoes, he won't put slippers on to go into kitchen even though I've broken glass there which I clear up but keep finding bits - and he's diabetic! Imagine if he got glass in the sole of a foot.

I feel like murdering him sometimes but his very good points outweight his - and my - bad ones.

Newspaper is the answer if he won't take shoes off. Get him to put it in the bin afterwards too.

Your anger is not a fault either - your body knows you are being disrespected you know deep down - your anger is your way of trying to redress the balance - except your DH doesn’t want this if he did he would engage with you - you leave the house to stop you boiling over - hitting him maybe - read the thread on here where the woman has lost custody of her kids - due to MH issues and “assaulting” DH - again symptomatic of an abusive relationship - as I said get to your Gp get this down on record now whilst you are still in fighting mode - if you leave he will be a “cunt” - sorry for the strength of this word but no other word suits - read some of my posts - the possible impact on your kids - like a tornado!

I hope I am completely wrong op and I have got the level of this wrong but somehow I doubt it!

Does anyone have advice on going back? How to handle DS? How to address him calling me a bitch to DH? How to handle DH?
Do I stay here another night and avoid the situation longer? That feels infantile though, I only left to calm down rather than making a point. But at the same time thought of going back gives me anxiety.

Maybe don't go back. I think you need to leave him and you are already out of the house so going back tonight seems like a retrograde step.

If you want to discuss things with him, maybe arrange to meet somewhere neutral so that you and he can have a talk about why him calling you a bitch, controlling you financially and undermining your parenting means that the relationship is over.

I'm not leaving him 4 weeks before my due date and 5 weeks before Christmas.

I can't do that to my kids.

I will however, be telling him that theres no way on earth I'm buying a house with him. I keep imagining every time we have an argument him throwing at me that I should be so grateful to him that I live in a house that he provided. He loves using that imbalance against me. I absolutely can't live like that, which means I cannot live with him.
God this is such a mess.

Bury him under the patio

Don’t go back. He calls you a bitch with your son? That is so wrong. It’s unacceptable. If he is referring to you as a “bitch” because you are asserting yourself, it’s to stop you asserting yourself and to get you to toe his line.
Your sons will grow up thinking it’s just fine to treat women like that. Don’t show them that you set such a low bar for yourself as a woman. It you separate, you said yourself you’d be better off financially. Your posts lists how little you have to live on, worrying about losing your deposit. If you were in it together, financially, it would be “our deposit”, “our inherited house”, money would be shared. He doesn’t even sound like he shares with you.
I’m not getting that he makes you happy the rest of the time, it sounds like he’s just “ok”, not lovely or fun and he’s keeping you poor.

Don’t tell him anything that might give him chance to hide his (your) assets in advance. When you have a solicitor in place and concrete evidence of shared assets and are ready to go, THEN tell him.
Good luck. It sounds like you’d be happier x