Another hobby one

[Greyhorses]

Only I’m the wife that’s out enjoying myself not the stereotypical MN husband and it’s causing massive issues

I’ve always been an outdoor person. I love sport, keeping busy, running that sort of thing. I also love animals and have always had lots of them. Met husband 12 years ago and moved in together about 6 years ago. I had dogs/horses before we met and continue to do so.

Before DC it was never an issue. I would go out and ride, walk dogs while DH lazed about and that was that. He never once said a cross word or indicated it was a problem for him, infact he seemed pleased of the time to himself. He would walk the dogs occasionally and happily come along a few times a week, again never indicated he hated it.

Post DC it’s a totally different story. We have equal downtime but DH chooses not to participate in any activities/hobbies at all outside of work (although attends the Work gym) and prefers to watch tv- fair enough his choice.

However he constantly moans or pulls the face every single time I leave the house. That sort of dissaproving ‘out again’ look. He often moans at how long I have been when I return, moans about the cost of whatever I’m doing despite it coming from my wages, moans about my reading about it, taking about it, having friends that do the same hobby. Honestly it’s neverending although I don’t talk about it at all to him as he goes ‘ah ah no horse talk’ accompanied by a sort of teacher telling off a student type look

He claims it cuts out family time however I take DC to all activities through the week, do school collections and take DC out with me to sort horses etc 5-6 times per week. DC love rolling around in the mud and having a blast outside and certainly aren’t adversely effected.
I also love to compete and am getting pretty good if I do say so myself. He thinks I shouldn’t be doing this as it’s ‘selfish’ and takes up 3-4 hours on a weekend once or twice a month. I don’t involve him in this or anything else at all and deal with all housework, pets, DC,cooking and work myself through the week as he works long hours by choice.

He also moans about the dogs although not to the same extent, mainly that I walk them (usually first thing on a morning before anyone else wakes up or last thing at night after dc are in bed) and he finds it annoying that I do so. I don’t think it’s that he is missing me as he spends the whole time I am at home either playing on his phone, watching tv or asleep. He never suggests anything to do as a family or a couple and i am forbidden to speak about hobbies, friends relating to the hobby or anything that may lead to speak of the hobby or work as those subjects bore him

Basically it’s driven a massive wedge between us, the fact he wants me to be home 24/7 and I really really don’t want to be.

Am I really as selfish as I sound?!

Am I really as selfish as I sound?!

No.

Is he as controlling and spoilt as he sounds?

But having said that, I did very few hobbies myself when my DD was small. (but I didn't have anything like a living animal, which obviously needs care taking of), and did almost nothing that took me as regularly out of the house as you need to be for a good 10 years.

No. It sounds controlling as fuck to me. Why are you with him? What joy or pleasure does he bring to your relationship?

He is unreasonable. Do not change!

How old are dc?
To be honest it's sounds like you are both now incompatible. He sounds a bit jealous of your active life. It does sound like it takes up a lot of your time however.
I have a hobby which I cannot enjoy as much with young dc so I have stopped doing it most of the time. Keeping up my fitness though. Fully intend to get back to it when both dc are in school however.
Is there a way to cut down on the amount of time.
Perhaps hire a dog walker for a few years until dc are older? Cut down on competitions for a bit.
He sounds very lazy though.
I wouldn't be happy with the blanket ban on talking about everything you love doing. It's very depressing.

I'd understand if he wanted to spend time with you or had to pick the slack up when you weren't there but don't get the problem otherwise. Speak to him and ask him what he'd rather do instead.

Also why isn't he doing housework etc?

There’s very little joy at the moment to be honest.

He does earn considerably more money than me as I have had to go part time after DC due to him never being available to do anything for DC before or after school so deep down I think some of it is financial control.
He earns about 5 times more than I do due to me having to take a step down in my career when I got pregnant. He does not think I contribute enough to be our enjoying myself when he is working to ‘fund my lifestyle’
If it matters I pay everything for the animals and dc activities myself along with both cars and the rest of the bills. It does not come out of family money although I admit I could put more in the pot if I sold the horse and got rid of the dogs. I also do everything at home, I’ve even done the DIY as he won’t lift a finger once he’s home from work.

I had the horse and dogs before children and we did discuss that he would have to step up a bit in that respect because obviously they would die if I didn’t care for them them and I certainly wouldn’t abandon them at this stage. I also work with animals (behaviour) as a career so it would look incredibly bad if I dumped my own.
As it turns out during the week DC love to come with me so it hasn’t been an issue at all, there’s lots for them to do at the farm and so it’s become a great place for them to run around and I enjoy them being outside so DH is not left looking after them much, maybe a few hours on a weekends. Even so DC often go out with grandparents on a Saturday so I tend to ride then.

I’ve asked him what he would like me to do and the answer is get rid of them all and be ‘normal’ whatever that is.

I guess my choices are give everything I love up or keep going and get used to this crap every time I see him.

I would suggest a calm and proper sit down talk. Push him to describe in detail what "normal" means to him. Real detail.

It would be interesting to hear what he is wishing for. See if he actually says " I want you to sit on the sofa while I play on my phone.

You might also get a chance to tell him what you would like ie a husband who is involved in home life. See if he can suggest any family activities he would be willing to engage in.

Sounds like an interesting chat.

Chamomile I think he would love a wife that sits on the sofa keeping the kids quiet while he plays on his phone if I’m honest.
If I am out he has to parent, you know like I have to do day in day out and he does not think he should have to as he ‘works full time’

I wonder if there's a bit of jealousy? I'd understand his point of view if he was wanting to do things as a family with the DC. But it appears he doesn't, he wants to watch TV and play on his phone.
Maybe keep an afternoon free over the weekend and put him on the spot by asking what normal things he wants to do.

He sounds incredibly controlling and jealous of your lifestyle.

I must say I so so envy your lifestyle op. The animals, riding, running, being outdoors, the farm, being at one with nature, kids spending time with you on the farm getting muddy... sigh. It sounds just incredible. Please don't make the mistake of giving up this wonderful life that makes YOU and dc happy for this miserable man. Don't deprive yourself and dc. They will remember their childhoods with such fondness.

Your dh wants you to be as miserable as him. He thinks because he earns more than you, you and dc should spend all your time gazing at him adoringly. Screw him. Miserable joy sucking vampire.

Also, how can I get a life like yours? Please adopt me.

For what it’s worth, I think you sound amazing and I’m also in awe of your “hobbies” (not meant to sound patronising) while looking after the house and children! I can’t see that you’re doing anything wrong at all.

"I do fuck all, so I expect you to do fuck all as well"

You can probably add onto that "Why are you 1. not in the kitchen making me food and 2. why aren't you giving me a blowjob right now, ideally both at the same time?"

The money is completely irrelevant so long as you're not causing active harm to the finances of the family i.e. spending food or rent money on your animals.

I would never DREAM of telling my GF to stop doing something she loved. I'd bend over backwards to ENABLE her interests rather than shutting them down.

Maybe suggest that if you're going to give up something you love then he should give up something he loves. No phone and no TV. That way he might actually lift a finger and do some housework.

Also, how does "working full time" translate into "I don't want to be a Dad to our child"???

Sounds like a giant arse to me.

I suspect that at bottom he resents the amount of time you spend with the kids, but it’s easier to moan about your hobby. However being out walking the dog or looking after the horse is far more interesting for the kids than sitting at home with a dad who’s on his phone all the time. You say he’s ‘forbidden’ you to talk about anything to do with your hobbies? That would be a dealbreaker for me anyway. It’s very controlling.

You would only be unreasonable if you were not doing your share of childcare, leaving him to do it all so you could pursue hobbies. Since you obviously do at least your share and maybe more, he is being controlling to try to stop you.
Is he are that fatherhood means some parenting? If he wants a relationship with the DC he has to do some parenting! "Be normal" , what rubbish.

Aware!

Please don’t change anything you are doing for him..... you are doing nothing wrong!
He sounds a selfish, bitter controlling man!
Tell him he has to change or he has to leave! He contributes nothing to your family....let him moan & sit on his arse on his own somewhere else....please don’t let him grind you down.

I think it's great you are so immersed in your passions. I would not be your friend if I'm honest though because I find animal talk mind numbingly boring and niche. But I also wouldn't marry someone like that!!!
Could it be that you have got more into horse things during the course of your relationship? Most "horsey" people are in couples with other like-minded people...e.g. vet and trainer. Sounds like you live in a different world to him...

Do not give up anything that you do right now! None of it. Please. He’s trying to wear you down and to be honest, unless he has a personality transplant you aren’t going to survive as a couple so do not give up your life. I did and regret it. Now, years later I am slowly picking it back up again but it’s again starting to cause huge issues in the marriage. Plus you shouldn’t be carrying 100% of the mental load of parenting/housework. He lives in the house. He has to do some cleaning too. If he lived on his own he’d have to do his own cleaning and he’d have to have the kids every other weekend. Maybe you should have a trial separation. Get him to live somewhere else for a few months and see how he likes those onions.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong either
He sounds really controlling and difficult

I understand most people don’t want to talk about horses that’s fair enough because I have plenty of other crazy horse people to talk to and run things past. I am not allowed to talk about it ever at home, even in the context of ‘at the farm dc did this’ as it is about horses

I had them before DH. I had the dogs also before DH. He knew how much they cost, knew how much time they took up but now he has changed the goalposts. I don’t think DC suffer and I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have DC for a couple of hours here and there. Today for example he must go to work to finish something and that’s fine, but I can’t leave for half a day without him being in a strop when I get back. He won’t stop me going but the miserable face for the rest of the evening when I get back makes me constantly clock watch. I don’t feel like I should have to do this when he should be able to enjoy time with DC without me.

I don’t talk about anything to do with hobbies/dogs/work with him as he rolls his eyes and says it bores him. He also wouldn’t help indirectly for example change a tyre on the horsebox or walk the dog when I am unwell, I do it all myself which I don’t mind but he is just miserable about it all.

It’s silly things like if I wins big competition that I’ve worked weeks towards, he won’t say well done or anything nice only something like how much did that ribbon cost or something equally as misery inducing.

He wasn’t always like this honestly

Most "horsey" people are in couples with other like-minded people...e.g. vet and trainer. Sounds like you live in a different world to him...

I disagree with this, my DP isn't remotely horsey (although he'll happily help out with them) and the same goes for a lot of my friends and their partners. So I don't think it is the case that a lot of couples are involved in the industry together, sure there are some, but I think most is a stretch.

That said, you do possibly live in a different world to him. I mean let's face it, horses aren't a hobby, they're a lifestyle choice that impacts everyone in the family, whether that be in the amount of money spent, the time investment or the stress and worry when they're sick. I easily spend the best part of a day at the yard at weekends and you may as well write the day off if I'm competing as it's never just a couple of hours. DP is forever joking that he knows he comes after the horses and the dogs in the pecking order, and I can imagine that would be grating for someone who doesn't understand/appreciate your "hobby".

I think Camomileteaplease was spot on with suggesting having a chat and trying to understand exactly what it is your DH wants from your free time together. Could it be he's on his phone/watching TV as he's not sure how long you're going to be out for (I know I'm guilty of popping to the yard only to be gone half the day!) and therefore can't make other plans?

He sounds like hard work. Must be like living with a dementor.

Sounds like your order is horses kids dogs and his is home alone, Home minding kids, work.
I had a DH whose order was work, hobby one , hobby 2, kids me.
You really don't need him as you are ok on your own. And happy with your life. My DH was like that. But unfortunately I wasn't really a hobby person except for a bit of walking so felt quite peeved. And unloved.
Things might change as the kids grow and he can do stuff with them. You don't need him or really seem to want him. Perhaps a split is best.

But I didn't get the impression that he IS minding the kids much at all. Or if he does do it occasionally, he's moaning about it, because he "WORKS FULL TIME" so shouldn't have to parent at all, ever.

No wonder you prefer the company of your animals.
He sounds hideous tbh.

My dh has a hobby, not my 'thing' but I support him and show interest because it is important to him - and he is important to me.

And if he won' ribbons 'I would be bursting!!