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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another hobby one

102 replies

Greyhorses · 09/11/2018 19:37

Only I’m the wife that’s out enjoying myself not the stereotypical MN husband and it’s causing massive issues Blush

I’ve always been an outdoor person. I love sport, keeping busy, running that sort of thing. I also love animals and have always had lots of them. Met husband 12 years ago and moved in together about 6 years ago. I had dogs/horses before we met and continue to do so.

Before DC it was never an issue. I would go out and ride, walk dogs while DH lazed about and that was that. He never once said a cross word or indicated it was a problem for him, infact he seemed pleased of the time to himself. He would walk the dogs occasionally and happily come along a few times a week, again never indicated he hated it.

Post DC it’s a totally different story. We have equal downtime but DH chooses not to participate in any activities/hobbies at all outside of work (although attends the Work gym) and prefers to watch tv- fair enough his choice.

However he constantly moans or pulls the face every single time I leave the house. That sort of dissaproving ‘out again’ look. He often moans at how long I have been when I return, moans about the cost of whatever I’m doing despite it coming from my wages, moans about my reading about it, taking about it, having friends that do the same hobby. Honestly it’s neverending although I don’t talk about it at all to him as he goes ‘ah ah no horse talk’ accompanied by a sort of teacher telling off a student type look Hmm

He claims it cuts out family time however I take DC to all activities through the week, do school collections and take DC out with me to sort horses etc 5-6 times per week. DC love rolling around in the mud and having a blast outside and certainly aren’t adversely effected.
I also love to compete and am getting pretty good if I do say so myself. He thinks I shouldn’t be doing this as it’s ‘selfish’ and takes up 3-4 hours on a weekend once or twice a month. I don’t involve him in this or anything else at all and deal with all housework, pets, DC,cooking and work myself through the week as he works long hours by choice.

He also moans about the dogs although not to the same extent, mainly that I walk them (usually first thing on a morning before anyone else wakes up or last thing at night after dc are in bed) and he finds it annoying that I do so. I don’t think it’s that he is missing me as he spends the whole time I am at home either playing on his phone, watching tv or asleep. He never suggests anything to do as a family or a couple and i am forbidden to speak about hobbies, friends relating to the hobby or anything that may lead to speak of the hobby or work as those subjects bore him Confused

Basically it’s driven a massive wedge between us, the fact he wants me to be home 24/7 and I really really don’t want to be.

Am I really as selfish as I sound?! Blush

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/11/2018 08:29

What a prick, put valium in his coffee.

mummmy2017 · 10/11/2018 08:29

Start a diary..
List what each of you spend.
On the house... Bills..
Food.....
Cars...
Hobbies... He must have some, even if it is games and phones..
Nights out for him count as hobby.
List all the hours you do things...
Children.
Childcare... Even if they are at the farm... You have them
School...
With you both...
With daddy.
With someone else...
Dogs.
With you only walking... He is at work. Kids in school.
Walking together. Someone has children
Walking with just children.
Walking he is home in bed. Kids in bed.
Walking he has kids up...
Hours worked with pay... You him...
Housework... You him...
Travel time to work.. Him you...
Then use this to inform him about.... You have a full time job just as a mother...

CottonTailRabbit · 10/11/2018 08:37

He wouldn't congratulate you on a big win? What a total cock.

Why is he the only one allowed to express displeasure at the situation?

He has no respect for you. He wants a Stepford wife. I'd have a big row about this and make it absolutely clear that that won't be happening.

VintageFur · 10/11/2018 08:39

Oh OP, you've literally written the long-version of what I've told a woman in the tack room.

My ex told me one of the things he was first attracted to me about was the horse when I asked if he'd like to meet it. Fast forward a few years and he resented the entire shebang. He was sick of baby-sitting his kids when I was arsing around at the yard. I could never go out on once of those long hacks without dreading the fall-out when I got home. He too wanted a nice clean wife who polished kitchen surfaces, not one who came home stinking with flushed cheeks and joy.

He mis-sold himself. I deliberately chose him because he said he had hobbies. Those were dropped and he got new ones: sitting on the toilet, playing with his phone and watching shit YouTube videos.

Had my horse PTS and he gave me a huge long list of rules about the next horse. Another nail in the coffin...

Long story short. I'm single now and have a new horse. It's a joy to be able to indulge my hobby without worrying about the reaction from him. Not sure why, but I've not told him I have a new horse. None of his business plus he'll only start whining again.

PoshPenny · 10/11/2018 08:49

Honestly I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. I wonder if joint couples counselling might be the way do deal with this and help him see that he is the one at fault here.

RedDeadRoach · 10/11/2018 09:04

He sounds awful. I'd go so far as to say he's emotionally abusing you. Hes trying his hardest to grind you down and shackle you to the home. Maybe he sees it as a challenge. Hes testing you " I wonder if today is the day ill get her to stay in and not go to the horse". How dreadfully sad that you're not allowed to talk about your passion. Even if he's not horsey, someone who loves you would be pleased for you and would want to share your achievements. I'm sorry to say it sounds like the relationship has run it's course.

category12 · 10/11/2018 09:06

Don't let him wear you down. Keep doing your hobbies, enjoy life. It's mad that he won't let you even mention horses at home.

If anything goes, it should be him. He sounds an utter prick.

Thebluedog · 10/11/2018 09:16

He sounds like a nightmare tbh. If you were out constantly and he was left holding the baby/looking after the house, then I might have said you were being selfish. As it happens I think your dc are benefiting from your lifestyle and you are teaching them healthy, good, life skills.

Him not allowing you to talk about your hobbies and complaining is controlling.

We’ve got dogs and my dh takes them out in the morning g whilst I stay in bed, I love it Grin he comes back in with a cuppa for me. I love horses and he actively encourages me to spend time doing it.

I think you need to try and address this with him, he should be encouraging you and also encouraging ‘you and dh’ time and also family time. If you said to him that you wanted to spend time with him each week, what would he suggest you do? I suspect not, he wants the good little wife sitting at home tending to the kids

Sethis · 10/11/2018 09:36

My DP is a gardener/landscaper and loves plants to bits. Is taking RHS exams and all the rest. Do I know anything about plants? No, not at all. Do plants interest me particularly? No, not really. But it doesn't stop me actively asking about her job, her studies or being interested when she identifies plants and trees that we walk past and she gives me some info about them. Because I love her, and these things make her happy. I fully acknowledge our house together is going to be full of plants, which is fine so long as she waters them! If only because I managed to kill an Alpine Succulent...

I can't imagine the mindset required to attempt to prohibit or control something that gives my DP such joy.

Greyhorses · 10/11/2018 09:48

Thanks all.

He has a very time consuming job. He is very obsessed with his career, being the best at what he does and performing well which leads to evenings/weekends spent doing additional work. This doesn’t bring in extra money, it’s more of an ego boost to know he is ‘the best’ at what he does.

I on the other hand gave up my career for DC. I do work, but nowhere near in the same capacity as before. I have been overtaken and overlooked for my full time colleagues who don’t have responsibilities and as a result my career is pretty much dead for now.

The horses give me something to focus on outside of DC. If I work hard at it I improve and get better, much like him at work, but because it isn’t work he does not value it as such. I think without it I would have a very unfulfilled life. Obviously I love DC, I care for them every day morning and night, I take them to every activity and oppertunity I can think of as well as with me to the farm etc but I do think it’s reasonable to expect some time to myself. I do admit that it is a bit of a time warp and sometimes I am half an hour or so later than the agreed return time which huffs him. He isn’t an angry man, more the silent treatment type.

I’ve been up and out this morning, ridden in the sunrise and then returned before 9am and still I am in trouble. I think this is just the way it’s always going to be.

We have discussed this before and his answer is he wants me to sell the horse. I don’t want to do this so we go round in circles forever until it crops up again and he tells me again to sell the horse. If I did I think I would be a much more miserable person!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 10/11/2018 10:01

Tell him. Why should you give up your pets.
Ask him what he wants you to do with that time freed up...
Then arrange to have an afternoon when you have nothing to do at all. Sit down with him and say right what have you go planned for us to do, on x day...
Make it up to him... Plan nothing just sit there and wait...
On x day again sit there say right I am here, this is the free time you asked for...

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/11/2018 10:19

You aren’t compatible. He sounds like a boring, self-obsessed arse. How dare he police what you can and can’t say about things which you love? Who’s he, the king of the fucking universe? Ugh.

I don’t think you can change him and you shouldn’t cut yourself off from what you love.

He wants a stepford wife - no horses, all childcare taken care of, rapt attention to all his needs, gleaming house. A no one, attending to him. More like a servant.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 10/11/2018 10:19

Hi OP. I don't know honestly.

After reading about your horse, and dog, and little DCs running around in the yard, I admire your passion, dedication and your lifestyle. It sounds so fulfilling for you and a great example for the kids. Hopefully they will take after you in wanting to spend lots of time outdoors and with the animals instead of being glued to their screens which is sadly the case for many children today.

On the other hand, after reading your last post about your husband's job I can relate to how he feels. I too work full-time with a 2-hour daily commute plus have a freelance income which often sees me at PC at 4 am because there is just no other time. This is my choice as I decided to send my kids to great private schools and DH works full-time too. But it does mean that every evening I am so knackered that I only want to read my Kindle or browse Mumsnet, and on weekends, after ferrying the children to their clubs, I prefer to stay home and recharge rather than going out (unless to a forest for a walk) and doing something active. I do have my hobby outside of the house but it's only for 2 hours on the weekend unless we have a performance.

So I kind of understand why your husband will feel resentful of you enjoying your hobbies and not working much while he is busting his butt at a stressful job to provide for the family. I would feel the same tbh if my husband was working part-time even if he were taking care of the children.

I think he might need to see more appreciation from you for his hard work. Your posts depict him as a lazy passive person compared to your active lifestyle and he probably feels that coming from you too, and this makes him resentful of your hobbies. I have no doubt that he would prefer doing kayaking or mountain climbing or something else fun to his heart's desire but instead he is responsible for providing for the family (as he should obviously).

So maybe try showing that you see all his effort for the family and appreciate it a lot? This may make him more accepting of how you spend your time.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 10/11/2018 10:20

This had paragraphs I promise!

Greyhorses · 10/11/2018 10:26

Mandala I can definatley see how it would be hard for him. Maybe we do need to do more family stuff but it’s very hard to motivate him. I do think he’s a bit burnt out but again it’s his choice.

I really don’t want to give up this lovely 7am view Sad

Another hobby one
OP posts:
Brigante9 · 10/11/2018 10:57

Ha, the classic ear shot!

If you stopped going to the yard, what would you be doing? If I don't go, I'm watching TV, slouching. Does he simply want you sitting doing nothing like him?

I didn't have horses when I met the dh and tbh, it has caused friction, especially when my first died then when I had a very serious accident, but although I try not to be a horse bore, my dh listens, doesn't voice resentment about time spent at the yard, although does get pissed off if a lazy Sunday afternoon is wrecked by mehaving to go to catch in, muck out etc. However, my dh works shifts so we get a lot of alone time.

I think it's extremely unfair controlling and abusive of your DH to ban you from discussing the horse/dog/related friends. That's ridiculous! He doesn't have the right to control what you say and this demonstrates a distinct lack of care about your life. Are you supposed to only talk about his job/life? Are you allowed to discuss your job as it relates to dogs? (A mate of mine has become very successful walking and training dogs, really good income: can you increase your hours?)

Honestly, I couldn't live like this. What does he do if you talk about the horse? It's horrible-and unbelievable-that you can't even say what the DC do at the yard! I'm sorry, OP, he sounds like a wanker.

Bubba1234 · 10/11/2018 11:03

I applaud you for not changing and continuing to enjoy your life and hobbies

Gingerlover2 · 10/11/2018 11:12

Horses are an incredibly expensive 'hobby' and as a PP said, more of a lifestyle choice.

That said, it's not as though you've slowly introduced said lifestyle choice through stealth in to your marriage.

He's clearly become resentful of the time and investment and I guess it is up to you what matters more.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 10/11/2018 11:13

OP, of course not, you shouldn't give it up!

Thing is, you say that the stressful job and being burnt out is your husband's choice but he feel that now that he has a family and young kids and a wife with a dead career (your words) and a part-time job, it's not a choice anymore but a necessity.

Tell him often how much you love him and appreciate him for what he is doing for the family. See if it helps with his attitude to your lifestyle.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 10/11/2018 11:14

*might feel

Joysmum · 10/11/2018 11:14

I mean let's face it, horses aren't a hobby, they're a lifestyle choice that impacts everyone in the family

I totally agree. I can only work less hours and have enough time for my animals because my DH knows I’m incomplete without them in my life. However it’s a huge time and money commitment. I’m also not lucky enough to have a child who likes horses or the yard and it would have been a big impact on her to drag her there daily. My car is mank, there’s mud and hay migrating into the house and everything in my life is about the next thing I’ll be doing with/for my horse. Family seems to require less thought and time Blush

Having said all that, my husband knows horses are in my blood and encourages to do as much as I can. I do think that this is only possible because we’re comfortably well off now and he sees it as a trade off for him being able to focus on his career whilst do I do all the home stuff.

I often think how I would feel if the situations were flipped? Would I be happy about the time/money/headspace and distance a hobby requiring this much commitment would take? We couldn’t both do something requiring this much from us.

RedDeadRoach · 10/11/2018 11:18

You don't have to give up your hobby. What he needs to do is stop punishing you for doing something you love.

It makes me sad that you say you're in trouble for going to ride your horse. This is how you feel fulfilled. He's got his work. What would happen if you were huffy with him for working extra at evenings and weekends? If he picked up his share at home then maybe your career wouldn't have been so affected by children. What does he do to make your life easier or more pleasurable? You do plenty for him.

And I agree by the way. The outdoor lifestyle is a lot healthier for your children than sitting around on a phone on the sofa. Your dh is all work and no play. It sounds like he resents you for finding the time to do something fulfilling. You'll need to work out if you can live like this for the next 40 years or so.

RedDeadRoach · 10/11/2018 11:20

It's not even as if he's interested in any compromise. The only way he would be happy is if you sold your horse. How is that a reasonable or proportionate stance to take? He'd be happy then because you would be miserable.

LadyLapsang · 10/11/2018 12:01

How many hours do you work outside the home and what percentage of your salary goes on the dogs, horses and related things? Are your children both in school / nursery?

WitchyMcWitchface · 10/11/2018 12:14

Will your part time job fund your ho by if you separate. It would be Sod's law if you divorced and then you couldn't afford your hobby or had to up your hours and couldn't find time for it.
Also the DCs might not be happy to muck about the farm when they'd prefer to be at home playing games.