Another hobby one

[Greyhorses]

Only I’m the wife that’s out enjoying myself not the stereotypical MN husband and it’s causing massive issues

I’ve always been an outdoor person. I love sport, keeping busy, running that sort of thing. I also love animals and have always had lots of them. Met husband 12 years ago and moved in together about 6 years ago. I had dogs/horses before we met and continue to do so.

Before DC it was never an issue. I would go out and ride, walk dogs while DH lazed about and that was that. He never once said a cross word or indicated it was a problem for him, infact he seemed pleased of the time to himself. He would walk the dogs occasionally and happily come along a few times a week, again never indicated he hated it.

Post DC it’s a totally different story. We have equal downtime but DH chooses not to participate in any activities/hobbies at all outside of work (although attends the Work gym) and prefers to watch tv- fair enough his choice.

However he constantly moans or pulls the face every single time I leave the house. That sort of dissaproving ‘out again’ look. He often moans at how long I have been when I return, moans about the cost of whatever I’m doing despite it coming from my wages, moans about my reading about it, taking about it, having friends that do the same hobby. Honestly it’s neverending although I don’t talk about it at all to him as he goes ‘ah ah no horse talk’ accompanied by a sort of teacher telling off a student type look

He claims it cuts out family time however I take DC to all activities through the week, do school collections and take DC out with me to sort horses etc 5-6 times per week. DC love rolling around in the mud and having a blast outside and certainly aren’t adversely effected.
I also love to compete and am getting pretty good if I do say so myself. He thinks I shouldn’t be doing this as it’s ‘selfish’ and takes up 3-4 hours on a weekend once or twice a month. I don’t involve him in this or anything else at all and deal with all housework, pets, DC,cooking and work myself through the week as he works long hours by choice.

He also moans about the dogs although not to the same extent, mainly that I walk them (usually first thing on a morning before anyone else wakes up or last thing at night after dc are in bed) and he finds it annoying that I do so. I don’t think it’s that he is missing me as he spends the whole time I am at home either playing on his phone, watching tv or asleep. He never suggests anything to do as a family or a couple and i am forbidden to speak about hobbies, friends relating to the hobby or anything that may lead to speak of the hobby or work as those subjects bore him

Basically it’s driven a massive wedge between us, the fact he wants me to be home 24/7 and I really really don’t want to be.

Am I really as selfish as I sound?!

Your way is a much better example to your DC than his, keep doing what you are doing and tell him to piss off if he moans. I wish I had your energy!

I don’t think he wants to change to be honest.

The reason I started becoming so invested was that he was obsessed with Work to the point I was spending 95% of my time alone with baby.
Now I have friends everywhere, I’ve met loads of likeminded people and even know most of our village by name due to walking dogs past people and chatting.

I was much more miserable before but my happiness has come at the expense of his.

I wouldn’t be worried about surviving without him although I would be incredibly sad. Where there’s a will there’s a way and I’m sure we would muddle through.

Has your happiness really come at the expense of his?

Or is he just a miserable git who doesn’t want you to be happy?

I think he begrudges you your happiness. Your happiness is not at his expense. You go to great trouble to make sure it does not impact on him. In fact he barely looks after his own children.

I would not like to live with a person for who my joy was a personal affront.

What kind of person does this?...is a question I think you need to ask.

Someone who loves you and wants the best for you?

‘For whom

Hang on, you were alone with the baby and isolated and miserable, while he worked all hours. But now you've made friends and follow your interests, that makes him unhappy? Do you hear yourself? His happiness requires your unhappiness? Fuck that.

Your h is saying he’s annoyed about the amount if time and money you’re spending on a hobby.

Would he be able to spend the same amount of money, on whatever he wants, without affecting your lifestyles? If not, then I do think he has a point.

Howver he knew you loved horses and dogs before you married so he can’t expect you to give up completely.
But, you planning to compete more, may be taking things a bit far. It will look to him that you’re just not listening to how unhappy he is.

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

He sounds...lonely? I think that companionship is the thing that people often under-rate about marriage. Love, sex, fidelity, mutual support all have high-billing, but I notice that any story of people re-marrying after being widowed seems to feature the need for companionship. He may just want to twiddle his thumbs at home, but he wants someone to twiddle them with.

I would also take a long hard look at the costs of the horse, both the out-of-pocket costs and opportunity costs what you could be earning/doing in the time you spend on it. Is there really nothing else that you could do with that time/money that would benefit everyone in the family? I am really surprised that you manage to fit this in on school nights - what about homework, playdates or children's own hobby tuition/practise? I am not being critical, but asking you to look at things with a critical eye.

There is something expensive that I would like to do. Our household income is far higher than yours, but I would only do it if it was at nil or very minimal cost to the household, because I recognise that at the end of the day, it is a bit self-indulgent.

I grew up with my mum being a horsey person. However it got to the point where it effected me and my siblings lifestyle and she would choose the horse over us in various ways (money especially) so all I can say is as long as it's inclusive of your DC and doesn't effect their lives in any massive way, go nuts. Good on you for being an active, motivated and driven human being! I wish I had half as much motivation right now to find something outside of my kids that I enjoyed 🤣

I too think he sound lonely, though the way he’s going about expressing this, is not very nice.

Yuck. He sounds like a selfish jerk who doesn't care at all about you OR your children. Why would you WANT to muddle through with him??? Ugh.

Thing is, if his bitter resentment of the op's happiness is based on his own loneliness and feeling hard-done-by, it's not op's problem to solve.

Even if she gave up the things that make her happy, that wouldn't cure it.

He chooses to work extra hours with no overtime. He chooses to sit on his phone. If he's lonely or unhappy with his life, it's his issue to solve by changing his own behaviour. Not by taking stuff away from op, (which is nasty, controlling and destructive), but by adding to his own life by making time for leisure and interacting with op, friends and family.

Not by taking stuff away from op, (which is nasty, controlling and destructive), but by adding to his own life by making time for leisure and interacting with op, friends and family

Well say he makes time for a new hobby and visiting his family etc. They may as well divorce as they are living quite separate lives.
That might suit some.
I can see he's behaving nastily.
An honest discussion to find out what the DH would find acceptable would be a start. But it does look as though the OP would really like to devote any extra time she has to horse stuff so she would have to be honest about her own wishes for the future.

I could have written this post - my exP is very similar. I found out he had an affair and we’re now breaking up but I also couldn’t ever really enjoy my time out (I like cycling long distances) because he did things that made me feel bad for wanting to. I also couldn’t stand being the one who did all the housework etc.

I think you need to have a big talk with your husband - maybe it’s not too late for you. You could find the money for help with the housework and childcare so you both feel you have quality time off. But it will take a lot of work to make this relationship successful.

They may as well divorce as they are living quite separate lives How on earth do you get that from what I said?! I said making time for leisure - not a hobby, I meant working less instead of his extra hours - and "interacting with op, friends and family". Together.

It's his choice to work long hours and sit on his phone. He could stop that and actively participate in family life with op. He could walk with her and see the people she sees. Christ, he could even go down to the yard.

Why is it all about her compromising?

Please please do not give up the horses. You have something in your life that makes your soul sing, you would be insane to give that up. I have absolutely no practical advice re the husband. Just don't give up the horse.

So he doesn't want to do anything with you yet he doesn't want you to have fun? I bet his attitude also takes a lot of the fun out of what you do. Doesn't sound good op.

The horses, dogs and your 'hobbies' are part of the package of who you are. He knew this when you got together. Now he isn't ok with it - why is that? That's not a question for you to answer. Just remind him.

And under no circumstances must you give up the animals. Him, yes.

Probably best for the DH that they split up and follow what they want in their lives.

I doubt he would be happy if you were home more, he doesn't seem to like you very much.

He sounds controlling and you seem like a fair person and very interesting and fun.

Do you get much out of this marriage. Sounds to me like he drags you down and you're better off out.

Sorry for the delayed reply everyone.

I have read and appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I think a proper sit down chat is in order. I don’t think it’s negatively impacting DC, if anything I would class is as parents who spoil children rather than anything else and I spend more time outside with them than sticking them in front of the TV

Saying that, we would be a lot richer without the horses which I think DH can’t get past!

Make part of your discussion about him not making your horses a taboo subject - it's frankly ridiculous that you're "not allowed" to talk about them.

Keep the horse
Dump the awful husband
He knew what he was taking on with your hobbies, has he explained why it is no longer acceptable to him?
If he is lonely then sulking and dictating what you can talk about is not going to make you want to spend time with him.
He sounds like a massive twat I'm afraid
I'd never let anyone order me about like that and anyone who tried it would immediately regret doing so
Sit down with him and tell him he needs to buck the fuck up or fuck the fuck off.

I have always had horses. I’m now single! I still have my DD and the pony and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. If I want to clean tack in front of the TV I can. I’ve been out competing today and am now lolling about on the sofa with the dogs.
I think your DH is feeling ‘left out’. He knows he’s behaving badly but isn’t grown up enough to actually acknowledge and own up to his feelings. Hence the sulks and the silencing of the horse talk.
He needs to get a life!
I’m really not sure what the answer is - but talking is good. Possibly write him a letter, then he can’t dismiss or try to silence you. I think it’s really sad when someone can’t be happy for you.
But the problem is his own, not yours, so please don’t change a thing. You are not responsible for his happiness. That’s his responsibility.

I agree with witches, mandala and didi and have some sympathy for the hard working husband in a fairly sexless marriage with a wife with a time consuming and expensive hobby.

If the husband is feeling so lonely and put-upon, he has every opportunity to address this in a mature and loving way, rather than through passive-aggression and childishness. Assuming the OP is willing to listen to him.

OP, compromise and making changes may be necessary for you, but don't, don't, DON'T give up your passion altogether. You have something in your life that gives you joy and purpose and has given you a circle of friends and is also enriching the lives of your children. Your life, your husband's life, and your children's lives will NOT be improved by you giving up that up to try and make yourself into someone you're not. You would be teaching your children a terrible lesson.

You simply sound incompatible at this point, but perhaps I'm not seeing the full picture. Do the two of you still love each other at all? Can you have an honest conversation about what love means to each of you? I don't see real, healthy love as being remotely compatible with "sucking the joy out of partner's life passion" so perhaps your husband can explain this.

If the husband is pining away because he doesn't have time to spend on a hobby himself, it's his responsibility to choose to work fewer hours and make time for his own hobby. that's not the OP's responsibility.