Another hobby one

[Greyhorses]

Only I’m the wife that’s out enjoying myself not the stereotypical MN husband and it’s causing massive issues

I’ve always been an outdoor person. I love sport, keeping busy, running that sort of thing. I also love animals and have always had lots of them. Met husband 12 years ago and moved in together about 6 years ago. I had dogs/horses before we met and continue to do so.

Before DC it was never an issue. I would go out and ride, walk dogs while DH lazed about and that was that. He never once said a cross word or indicated it was a problem for him, infact he seemed pleased of the time to himself. He would walk the dogs occasionally and happily come along a few times a week, again never indicated he hated it.

Post DC it’s a totally different story. We have equal downtime but DH chooses not to participate in any activities/hobbies at all outside of work (although attends the Work gym) and prefers to watch tv- fair enough his choice.

However he constantly moans or pulls the face every single time I leave the house. That sort of dissaproving ‘out again’ look. He often moans at how long I have been when I return, moans about the cost of whatever I’m doing despite it coming from my wages, moans about my reading about it, taking about it, having friends that do the same hobby. Honestly it’s neverending although I don’t talk about it at all to him as he goes ‘ah ah no horse talk’ accompanied by a sort of teacher telling off a student type look

He claims it cuts out family time however I take DC to all activities through the week, do school collections and take DC out with me to sort horses etc 5-6 times per week. DC love rolling around in the mud and having a blast outside and certainly aren’t adversely effected.
I also love to compete and am getting pretty good if I do say so myself. He thinks I shouldn’t be doing this as it’s ‘selfish’ and takes up 3-4 hours on a weekend once or twice a month. I don’t involve him in this or anything else at all and deal with all housework, pets, DC,cooking and work myself through the week as he works long hours by choice.

He also moans about the dogs although not to the same extent, mainly that I walk them (usually first thing on a morning before anyone else wakes up or last thing at night after dc are in bed) and he finds it annoying that I do so. I don’t think it’s that he is missing me as he spends the whole time I am at home either playing on his phone, watching tv or asleep. He never suggests anything to do as a family or a couple and i am forbidden to speak about hobbies, friends relating to the hobby or anything that may lead to speak of the hobby or work as those subjects bore him

Basically it’s driven a massive wedge between us, the fact he wants me to be home 24/7 and I really really don’t want to be.

Am I really as selfish as I sound?!

I work around 25hours ish per week in 12 hour stints. When I am not working I have DS who is in nursery mornings and home in the afternoons. I also do all drop off, pick up etc so can’t really work any more than I do as it would mean nobody to collect and do tea/bath/bed.

I could afford the horse if he left but probably not competing. He does complain about money but my point is that I would and previously was earning enough money to contribute more pre dc, how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I sold his car post dc because he was only working part time and I was full time? I think it would be a different story then.

If I talk about the horse he either ignores me or says ‘I don’t want to speak about the horse’ even if if it’s not directly related.
I am allowed to talk about Work as long as it’s not about the animals and is more of a general work discussion.

I agree that horses (and dogs) are 100% a lifestyle choice however this has been my lifestyle since I was 15 and bought my own pony with my pocket money. I don’t think I’ve sprung this on him.

He would happily talk about work until he dropped dead

What's the rest of your relationship like?

If he works 35 hours.
You work 25 hours.
Tell him when he comes home on time each and every night and doesn't put in the free overtime, leaves his phone in a dish in the hall you will be altering your life as well.

Well, I think a hobby car is comparable, but not a normal car for commuting etc. After you pay for all the expenses for the horses, and dogs, and childcare proportionate to your earnings, how much of your salary is left?

Was he always like "I don't want to talk about the horse"? When you were dating and you worked full-time?

Hi OP - I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that perhaps there is a very low level of intimacy in your relationship? If so - then - without excusing his behaviour - that there is resentment that is spilling over into your interactions.
Does this sound right?

Are your horses male? Maybe he has an inferiority complex?!

No he didn’t shut down conversations when we were dating. He was never interested as such but he did travel the country with me to buy horses and he also was happy enough to walk dogs etc with me.

After I have paid for the animals, childcare, carsx2, petrol ferrying around dc and all dc activities and other things such as our phone bills/internet etc I don’t have much left, maybe a few hundred £.
DH earns a lot of money (60k ish) and we live a modest life otherwise. There is money left over for him to spend should he wish but yes we would have a lot more without animals!

Dadaist yes you would be right there. Mainly as his face is so grumpy it’s hard to want to jump on him if I’m honest!

Santa female although they are a lot happier to see me than he is

Maybe he thinks you all bitch about him all day?. Justifiably!!
My exh was similar about our ddog at times. All his spleen vented via ddog.

Wish she had eaten him and been done with him tbh.

It is a big ask of any household. You’ll know from the usual Facebook horsey group that there are plenty of people who feel fully supported and encouraged by their DH but I never take that for granted in my DH because as I said upthread, I’m not entirely convinced I’d be so supportive of him if he had a lifestyle hobby.

Likewise you always see posted on Mumsnet that people resent their partner’s gym/cycling golf habbit and I’m very aware I give far more to horses than those people probably give to their hobbies.

Hang on why do you pay for it all.
What does he pay for.?

I've not read the full thread so apologies if I repeat stuff others have said (I'm writing quickly with a 3mth old sleeping on me and an 18mth old napping upstairs).

Your husband sounds similar to me (although I hopefully don't bitch at my DH about his hobbies). My DH had outdoor hobbies before D.C. arrived (climbing, running, cycling) and I was more than happy for him to go do those and I'd use that time to veg in front of the tv.
Now my DH doesn't do them nearly as often(his choice), but when he does and I have to solo-parent instead of my usual vegging, I must admit I miss the relaxation time. I hasten to add I'm on back to back mat leaves so am solo parenting at least 5 days a week (7.30-6pm) and jointly parenting pretty much the rest of the time with no "me" time.

I'd love to find something to do to give me time away from the kids but I'd feel like I was doing something for the sake of it rather than for enjoyment and therefore I wouldn't find it relaxing.

Perhaps your DH feels similar but just isn't able to process this or communicate it to you well enough, so therefore thinks you getting rid of the animals is the solution (as he then gets his tv relax time back). I've no advice on resolving the problem but wondered if this perspective would help you understand each other?

Wishing you all the best xx.

This sounds like a compatibility issue. Plus if he earns x5 more than you then you must earn around £12k are you sure he doesn’t feel like he is funding even indirectly very expensive hobbies for you?

Trying to put myself in his shoes I would guess he saw himself as working very hard, contributing much more financially, possibly being exhausted by the end of the week and maybe wanting peaceful downtime and feeling resentful that he is left with the children whilst you pursue your hobbies. You undoubtedly have a better work/life balance than him so it wouldn’t be surprising if there was some resentment.

Incidentally I’m not saying you’re wrong, just trying to project how he may be feeling.

On a typical weekday, do you eat dinner together or do you eat early with the children and then go out later? If you have parents living locally do they babysit so you can go out as a couple or do they just take the children on Saturday so you can ride? Can't you suggest some family things to do or the occasional date night, weekend away together (although presumably that is difficult with the animals).

25 hours on 12 hour shifts is 2 days a week. I'm not meaning to nit pick but that is very nice hours.

You have a great lifestyle that suits you and which you love.
DH is grumpy and not happy with his and it's ok criticising but as others have said perhaps he wants to veg at home with his family in the evenings. Being on his own with small DCs is not the same. It is def not relaxing.

Bearing in mind the DCs will grow older and their needs will change. And that they might not always fit in with your hobbies.

Perhaps you have to face that your lifestyle, that you love you are not prepared to give up, and his wishes for you to change are not compatible and really you should separate so that you can both follow your own paths.
Or possibly you find a compromise with you reducing your hobbies until the DCs are older and there is more time available for them and for time with DH.

I tend to work 2 or 3 long days, usually finishing at around 10pm.

On a non Work night I take DC to farm to sort horse, go home and make tea then we eat together when DH returns whenever that is. Every evening is spent as a family bar the 2 that I am at work. I do not ride on an evening but do when DC is at nursery and DH is at work.
Eventually I am planning to work 3-4 long days once DS is in full time education.
We have lots of family help and support, if I was competing more often than not DC go to grannies so DH can do as he pleases. He rarely looks after them while I’m gone.
He also spends a few weekends away himself and was away last weekend for a stag do so it’s not just me

I appreciate it is a selfish lifestyle and yes I do enjoy it, hence why I don’t want to give it up.

I can see everyone’s point, perhaps I do need to do less with the horse. The higher up the levels we go the more time and effort it takes to maintain it. I’ve got very wrapped up in the competing aspect of it as I am very competitive and want to win, maybe at the expense of DH

It looks to me from what you say that he does virtually NO child care at all? or any household jobs?
And apart from your time with the horses, do YOU get to go away on weekend breaks with friends while HE looks after HIS OWN children?
I suspect the answer is no?

Horses are very time consuming. It’s more than just a hobby. I know I often struggle for time; and I’ve outsourced all housework etc... . I have them at home, so it’s probably easier for me but still.

Maybe he suddenly realized that he ended up in an unwanted life, if you say he was a pleasant person at the start. Or maybe’s he’s just a difficult person, who knows. He’s resenting the horse. Everybody’s unhappy atm.

That said, coming from someone who adores horses, people who are into horses can be very selfish. I adore horses, but wouldn’t contemplate a relationship with a woman who also loves horses.

I would say, whatever you do don’t give up your horse. Why should you have to?

He does no childcare through the week. A few hours on a weekend maximum.

I did go away on holiday but my mum had DC. If I go on a night out DC sleep at grandparents.

I do agree there must be a degree of madness to be a horse person. I will try and tone it down but I really don’t want to give up if I can help it.

He's a grade A shit, in my opinion. Sorry, but he is. You are doing all the work at home, a part time job and ok you have a time consuming hobby but hes not helping at all, is he? He's not even doing his fair share of the work at home or with HIS children, you are doing pretty well all of it?
No way would I give up the horse! The husband however, I think I would give up.

I certainly wouldn’t give it up!

I did for a couple of years after losing my confidence and it was DH who pushed me back into buying again and spending far more on the horse of my dreams than I’d budgeted for.

I do as much as I can when DH and DD aren’t around and it’s my choice to only do weekends if there’s a comp or clinic otherwise I have that as quality family time.

You’ll find it easier when your DC is at school. I didn’t take up horses again until my DD started school for that reason.

So I’d ride it out until then (pun intended ) but make sure you’re getting your family time and time with just you and DH so your relationship is as strong as it can be too.

I think I would be a bit fed up were I working long hours, knowing the children were in school / nursery and my OH was spending a lot of time on their hobby rather than working in / out of the home. However because you have a lot of family help it doesn't seem to impact him in terms of housework or spending time with the children ( I don't call it childcare when it's your own children). The difference from most of the hobby threads is that it is usually a man with an all consuming hobby and full time work. The DW usually puts up with it because he feels entitled because he earns the majority of the money. The dynamic in your situation sounds different. I don't get a sense you are particularly worried if the relationship breaks down. Most women would worry how they could cope on 12k and whatever he will be required to give for the children, but you talk about still being able to afford the horses. Maybe you should go to couples counselling. In my experience men who feel neglected behave differently from women.

So you're going to cut down on your hobby. Are you going to ask him what he's planning to change about how he contributes to family life?