Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Every man I meet for a date becomes obsessed with me

126 replies

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 10:47

This is going to sound vain. Could never admit this IRL.

Every man I meet for a date ends up obsessing over me. Every man bar one, to be precise. I have dated a lot over the last year.

I am fed up. Im not some supermodel! Im 34, generally attractive I guess, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am pretty good at conversation and can engage with people quite quickly. I have a good job and my own life and friends, own home.

I like my own space but desperately want to settle down and have a family.

I just keep meeting people who seem like they cannot wait to see me again after one date. I dont sleep with these people by the way. It is just a date. Then they text and we meet again and before I know it they are wanting to know if we are exclusive etc, when i can next see them, texting constantly.

I feel fed up. Just want to meet a sensible, nice man who I am also into. Maybe i just havent met someone i properly like yet? ive been on SO many dates, maybe met 30 people in the last year. the same thing happens everytime.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/11/2018 10:54

That doesn't sound obsessive to me. That sounds like regular dating behaviour.

Notquiteagandt · 08/11/2018 10:55

I wouldnt say this was obsessive. This is just normal behaviour no?

KittyWindbag · 08/11/2018 10:57

It doesn’t sound vain, it’s sounds very frustrating.

Where/ how do you meet these people, is it online dating or something, could there be a pattern?

Why do YOU think they become too keen to quickly?

Trinity66 · 08/11/2018 10:57

Someone wanting a second date is obsessive? umm ok

Newerversion · 08/11/2018 10:57

Sounds as though you have met men who are just interested in building a relationship. I can’t see any obsessive behaviour in what you have written.

KittyWindbag · 08/11/2018 10:58

In an ideal scenario, how would a man behave during and after the first date?

Overinvolved · 08/11/2018 11:01

I don’t get what the problem is OP.

What would you like them to do instead? Keep you on a wire? Play it cool? Make you chase them?

It sounds as though you’re actually meeting nice men who are looking to settle down too. Maybe you’re just not ready for a healthy relationship.

MaggieMuggins · 08/11/2018 11:01

Are you going on second, third dates with them? Or are they asking for exclusivity straight away? If so that is weird, but not so much after meeting a few times. Maybe because you just haven't met the right one yet you aren't feeling it, and the same behaviour from Mr Right would be welcome?

I'm interested to know what happened with the one who didn't do that? Did it make you more interested? If so are you attracted to men who treat you mean?

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/11/2018 11:02

Not going to call you vain - I have the same experience and I am also not a supermodel. That said, I’ve concluded that a lot of women (also a lot of men) are not very good at going on dates, and so perhaps when men meet somebody who is, they get a bit too excited and overly keen. I’m very good at dating because I really enjoy it - I like meeting new people and learning about them, I can have a conversation about anything with anybody, I’m quick-witted and I’ve never been on a date with awkward silences. Men tell me this is rare and that a lot of the first dates they’ve had have been hard.

You just have to be kind but firm. If they’re coming on too much too soon, I tell them this. I’m very clear that I’m not looking to rush into a relationship, that I’m keeping my options open, that I find their eagerness a bit overwhelming. A couple of guys have cooled down a bit after that - and said they were just trying to show they were really interested in case I didn’t realise it.

Justcallmelu · 08/11/2018 11:03

What app are you using?

Jackfruitburger · 08/11/2018 11:05

You must be HOT 

Overinvolved · 08/11/2018 11:06

You just have to be kind but firm. If they’re coming on too much too soon, I tell them this. I’m very clear that I’m not looking to rush into a relationship, that I’m keeping my options open, that I find their eagerness a bit overwhelming. A couple of guys have cooled down a bit after that - and said they were just trying to show they were really interested in case I didn’t realise it.

This is very good advice. Good men are pretty straightforward. If they like someone, they’ll let you know.

formerbabe · 08/11/2018 11:09

Its not you. There's lots of men like this. They're basically desperate. So desperate for a relationship that the first vaguely normal, attractive woman they meet they put on a pedestal.

You'll find cooler, better looking men don't behave like this because they have more options.

Mookatron · 08/11/2018 11:12

Are you being yourself on the dates? Are talking about yourself and your interests etc or are you doing that 'good flirt' thing of asking them questions, being interested in everything they say, and generally shape-shifting into whatever it is they see as attractive?

I'm not victim blaming (not that you're really a victim but you know what I mean) but as a young attractive woman I used to do this without really projecting anything of myself. Always great for getting a second date, not brilliant for actually forming relationships.

MrsCar · 08/11/2018 11:16

What do you want them to do? Confused

FieryGhoulie · 08/11/2018 11:24

You don't sound vain, you sound fed up. If you've had 30 dates and some guys are asking for exclusivity so quickly, yes it would be a massive turn off to me too. It's quite needy.

Original poster
whatchasay · 08/11/2018 11:26

these replies are quite eye opening!

obsessive may be too strong a word and yes, maybe i am not ready for a man who treats me right. i have had a lot of "bad" men in the past.

what i mean is that they seem very sure that they want to pursue things with me from the off. texting is constant, they tell me i am wonderful, never met anyone like me, never had a spark like that with anyone etc etc......

statistically it surely cant be the case that they all feel they have a spark with me?!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatchasay · 08/11/2018 11:28

of course i dont want someone who is hard to understand etc especially after my last relationships...

but telling me theyve never had a spark like it after one date? getting funny with me if i am busy for a week following the first date? wanting to know if i feel the same asap?

it all feels too much. however it could be my issue, as some posters have suggested.

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 08/11/2018 11:31

Generally single men can be more than keen until the deed is done after which the majority invariably disappear quick as a flash.

Are they holding out for some action do you think op?

Then again if they are declaring feelings too that is rather unusual.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2018 11:34

It sounds like, as PP have said, you are meeting men who are a bit desperate. Are you agreeing to date every man who asks you? Because if you are dating anyone and everyone, some of these men will be losers who can't believe that a reasonably-attractive and not-visibly-mad woman is giving them the time of day.

Mind you, I think your discomfort with their behaviour is a good sign that you have functioning dickhead detectors. Overwhelming interest and extravagant romantic declarations after a single date can sometimes be an abuser tactic.

EmmaGeddon · 08/11/2018 11:36

It sounds like you've had the misfortune to meet a succession of Future Fakers and Fast Forwarders, the men who want a long-term relationship and they want it now, and are not prepared to get to know the real you. Except they actually don't.

You don't have to be a supermodel, you just have to be female in some cases.

I wonder, if you went on a second and third date with one of these men, how soon they would decide that, actually, no, you're not The One after all?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2018 11:39

Yes, it could also be that some of these men think that romantic compliments are the quickest way to get you to drop your knickers, and that's what they are after. (If you want a shag, by all means shag whichever men appeal to you: don't listen to any bullshit about how you should treat access to your foof as some sort of prize that they must jump through hoops to win...)

Tinty · 08/11/2018 11:39

but telling me theyve never had a spark like it after one date? getting funny with me if i am busy for a week following the first date? wanting to know if i feel the same asap?

This was my dating life in my teens to 20's until I settled down.
I was known as the Ice Maiden because I didn't fall into bed with every man who came out with this blarney.

Generally single men can be more than keen until the deed is done after which the majority invariably disappear quick as a flash.

^ ^
This

Storm4star · 08/11/2018 11:39

I've noticed a lot of guys on OLD are like this because they think it's what the woman wants. I'm nothing special and a good bit older than you and I get the "I've never met anyone like you before" and "you're so lovely" etc etc. Most of the men I've met have fallen into two groups. Those who trot out the lines but are also saying the same thing to several other women. Or those who do want a relationship and they want it right now! So they don't want to take time to really get to know someone, they want to speed through all the normal stages and be living with someone within a month! It's one of the many reasons I've given up on OLD.

chestylarue52 · 08/11/2018 11:42

It’s the reason I gave up dating for a long time!

One date and then getting ‘good morning hun’ messages and getting upset when I won’t commit to spending the weekend together or being huffy if I mention another man in any context!

Swipe left for the next trending thread