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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Every man I meet for a date becomes obsessed with me

126 replies

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 10:47

This is going to sound vain. Could never admit this IRL.

Every man I meet for a date ends up obsessing over me. Every man bar one, to be precise. I have dated a lot over the last year.

I am fed up. Im not some supermodel! Im 34, generally attractive I guess, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am pretty good at conversation and can engage with people quite quickly. I have a good job and my own life and friends, own home.

I like my own space but desperately want to settle down and have a family.

I just keep meeting people who seem like they cannot wait to see me again after one date. I dont sleep with these people by the way. It is just a date. Then they text and we meet again and before I know it they are wanting to know if we are exclusive etc, when i can next see them, texting constantly.

I feel fed up. Just want to meet a sensible, nice man who I am also into. Maybe i just havent met someone i properly like yet? ive been on SO many dates, maybe met 30 people in the last year. the same thing happens everytime.

OP posts:

SushiMonster · 08/11/2018 13:16

I bet if you shagged them sooner you wouldn't have this issue. Then you'd be complaining about being ghosted all the time. Sadly they're full of shit to try and get you into bed.

^this!

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 08/11/2018 13:18

I know what you mean OP. I have had the same, and I think its precisely because i wasn't seeming desperate for a relationship BUT I am a chatty person who can draw people out. That's just a fact. Doesn't mean I think I'm super hot (even though I am ).
I think a lot of men are just looking for a woman to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in their lives, and are not much bothered by the need to properly get to know them first. There is also the fact that men (in my experience) tend to become infatuated quickly, whereas women tend to be more circumspect in the beginning.
I would just carry on regardless. You are not doing anything wrong. Date, sleep with them if you feel like it, but don't be pressured by anyone.

Honeyroar · 08/11/2018 13:20

I actually think that these people are desperate to be in a relationship, it's not particularly that the person they're in is that special. Sometimes they've got hurt/baggage from a previous relationship and just want to be part of a couple again. They're grasping at anything that looks like it may become a relationship. I once spent a few weeks messaging a bloke online. There felt like there may be a click there but we'd never met. He flew on a flight with the airline I work for and the cabin crew had done something he'd found un amusing. He said he'd told his colleague that his "lady" would never do such a thing, she was far above that. I was freaked out that he'd put me on a pedestal and decided how he thought I'd act before he even met me. He was totally projecting his ideal onto me (and I so would have done what the crew did too!). I never contacted him again and blocked him.

This is not the op showing off about attracting men, from what I read, this is about attracting overpowering men that are too full on too soon. Perhaps some people like that, but if you're a bit of a loner and like your space its suffocating. Some people need to ease into things.. I only ever experienced it with online dating.

Black China I don't understand why this thread has incited such fury in you.

LovingLiving · 08/11/2018 13:21

I’ve found this a lot too and I’m probably a lot older than you.

I just see it as excitement and over enthusiasm but it is definitely over the top. It’s amazing how many men have a whole day to spend texting even if they are at work. I also think a lot of men don’t have as much success online as people think so if they meet someone who might possibly be interested in them, they overreact.

teaandtoast · 08/11/2018 13:22

whachasay, what was different about the man who didn't become obsessed with you?

formerbabe · 08/11/2018 13:22

I actually think that these people are desperate to be in a relationship, it's not particularly that the person they're in is that special.

This is so true...I've met men like this.

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:28

blackchina i am still unsure of which posts i have said i didn't like? and which raw nerve it is you seem to think you have hit?

what honest things have been said that i have missed?

i'm pretty certain that i've acknowledged and considered all views. please do correct me if i am wrong - i would hate to be rude.

OP posts:

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2018 13:29

It is depressing how many people seem to be outraged at a woman acknowledging that she is reasonably attractive. Most people are reasonably attractive, if they are clean, healthy, neatly dressed etc. Even more so if they have reasonable social skills. But women are supposed to be self-loathing and diffident and grateful for any male attention...

SpacePenguin · 08/11/2018 13:29

This takes me back 10 or 15 years when I had similar experiencs. Not OLD either, just guys I met organically through friends or on a night out. I'm not joking when I say I had 6 marriage proposals in 6 months. Some guys I'd dated a few months, some I knew only a few hours and we had not even held hands. One guy was calling me from Australia trying to convince me to go visit with a view to moving over to him- after 4 dates.

I can't really explain it. I'm nothing special. I think I would be described as 'cute'. I guess I can come across sparkly and fun on a night out, but can't we all?

DH and I did decide to get married very quickly, but we had known each other for years. Funnily enough, I was the one to suggest marriage

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:31

thank you to all the helpful posts - i am reading them all! it is interesting to think about - my general feeling, as another poster above has said, is that the ones who are coming across as desperate can't be trusted in how they really feel. i think it is that part that makes me suspicious.

in the past i have been known to actually say "im not perfect you know" - and give them an example of that!!

i think also a lot of projection of the ideal takes place - she seems nice, she could be the perfect one for me and then it develops...

OP posts:

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:33

just to clarify, my OP was not meant to suggest this happens because i am oh so physically attractive. i actually think i am pretty average looking, despite comments other people have made.

in my opinion my overall attractiveness comes from my ability to engage with people quickly and easily - and no i am not shy to admit that and no i am not trying to make other women jealous (god help us Mumsnet!)

OP posts:

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:34

spacepenguin did you really have 6 marriage proposals?! oh my gosh.i think it is very much an overall impression that is given - men latch on to women who are sure of themselves yet simultaneously genuinely interested in talking with them and about them on a date.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:38

richdenerio i think what i would like is a text the following day saying they had a nice time and if i did too would i want to see them again? then - and this is important (for me anyway) - the next date shouldnt be all bells and whistles, but similar to the last time - another coffee, drink, maybe a bite to eat, depending on what the first date was. this is because when a man wants to suddenly take me to the nicest restaurant in town after our first date, i just think it is too much too soon.

but of course this is just my opinion. im sure many women would love over the top gestures early on

OP posts:

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dobbyhasnomaster · 08/11/2018 13:42

You’ve probably just not met the right one. I was like this, until I met my partner and suddenly it wasn’t annoying 🤷‍♀️

Tinty · 08/11/2018 13:45

Well for the sake of one-up-manship I'm stunnier than you @MirriVan

Original poster

whatchasay · 08/11/2018 13:46

the posters asking about the one man who didnt follow up - i didnt fancy him so i wasnt bothered.

but i did re run the date in my head to work out why - maybe he just thought i was a bit minging hey!!! haha

OP posts:

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 08/11/2018 13:50

Well for the sake of one-up-manship I'm stunnier than you @MirriVan**

I'm so stunning that men I've never met become obsessed with me. It's a burden, I tell you.

Tinty · 08/11/2018 13:54

@MirriVan

Weeeellllll my DS says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he is going to marry me when he's grown up.

Actually that's what he said when he was 3, not so much now he's 21 and has a stunning girlfriend.

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NOTthepinkranger · 08/11/2018 13:57

Haven’t read the full thread only read OP.
That’s not obsessive at all, it’s actually quite normal in dating

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinty · 08/11/2018 14:07

@MirriVan

Yes he is but he is also an absolutely, adorable geek with one of those hobbies that gets derided on Mumsnet, and is also so in loooovve with his lovely girlfriend who joins in said hobby, that I don't think anyone you however stunning would get a look-in.

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