Every man I meet for a date becomes obsessed with me

[whatchasay]

This is going to sound vain. Could never admit this IRL.

Every man I meet for a date ends up obsessing over me. Every man bar one, to be precise. I have dated a lot over the last year.

I am fed up. Im not some supermodel! Im 34, generally attractive I guess, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am pretty good at conversation and can engage with people quite quickly. I have a good job and my own life and friends, own home.

I like my own space but desperately want to settle down and have a family.

I just keep meeting people who seem like they cannot wait to see me again after one date. I dont sleep with these people by the way. It is just a date. Then they text and we meet again and before I know it they are wanting to know if we are exclusive etc, when i can next see them, texting constantly.

I feel fed up. Just want to meet a sensible, nice man who I am also into. Maybe i just havent met someone i properly like yet? ive been on SO many dates, maybe met 30 people in the last year. the same thing happens everytime.

Maybe there are a lot of women (and men) out there who have bugger all spark!! So if you are attractive and sparky they just get overkeen far too quickly

I get the same, but I just choose who I want to engage with further. You're no exception.

You’ve probably just not met the right one. I was like this, until I met my partner and suddenly it wasn’t annoying 🤷‍♀️

There may definitely be an element of this here too.

In my totally not extensive OLD experience, it’s really quite offputting when you’ve had a date that was nothing special (or actually crap) and you weren’t interested and still they pester you afterwards. I just found myself thinking, ‘but why? How did you not notice the total absence of chemistry or flirting?’.

I think it’s a bit of a throwback to being a school kid and being disgusted (rather than flattered) if someone you didn’t like had the audacity to like you. Sadly I think OLD brings out the worst school yard traits in people. 😂

But if you actually like them, then it’s lovely that they are keen to see you again and want an actual relationship. So you probably do just have to keep looking - and stay fussy about it, OP. There will be someone youare actually in to and you’ll welcome some enthusiasm.

It's probably you and how you represent yourself. I tend to attract "boring" women - I'm not slating them, they are interesting/attractive/intelligent/etc..., but only if you want a relationship. One of my friends gets peanut-butter women.

Peanut-butter women?

whathasay you say that it may take a while before you would consider DTD and that you make that clear at the outset.

Might it be that men see this as a challenge? Let's face it men are going to be attracted to a woman with a fair balance of looks and personality. If you have a fairly good personality and you are above average looking you'll attract men. Most men want sex. If you're attractive to them they will want sex with you. If you combine that with their idealised notion that you are "chaste" they see this as a challenge. The idea that it's only them you'll drop your knickers for seems to inspire some men into madness!

So basically what you want is someone to take their time to get to know you, not try to rush you into bed/a relationship, and generally just be a normal human being? Welcome to the wonderfully fucked up world of OLD. Those men are hard to find, but they do exist (so I'm told).

Please don't overthink what you're doing wrong - you sound like ace company, don't stop being a good date! Just be firm and tell the eager ones to back off a bit. The decent ones will get the message and hopefully give you the space you need. There might be a gem amongst them.

But maybe also have a think about why you've been attracted to bad boys in the past, too. Your self esteem might be stopping you from allowing someone to be genuinely interested in you rather than treating you badly?

Yeah, PB women?

That doesn't seem too bad to me. You're meetimg men who like you and arewanting to progress things after more than one date.

Me...its very rare that I find myself attracted to anyone and I keep getting guys that hound me after the first date even after I've gently (but very clearly) told them I wasn't interested. Hence why I don't OLD anymore.

@twicemagic @halfwitpicker I’m guessing by peanut butter women @brel means easy, eg spreads (legs) like peanut butter. Like that song??

My oh my

Their wanting to know if you are exclusive by the second date? They want sex...

You are right to follow your instincts and it feels overwhelming. Just keep blocking these using monsters!

Not nessecarily Sole Do was a bit like that early on but I told him to rein it in! (And I had already slept with him).

I know someone similar - every man falls for her seemingly immediately. She's petite and makes huge effort to hold eye contact and smile sweetly with every man she talks to. She pretends to be thick of she catches a whiff that they would feel threatened if they knew which uni she went to.

As someone who seemingly can't flirt for toffee, she awes me. I'd not want to be able to do it all the time though (her life is very confusing and dramatic with multiple guys thinking they are exclusive with her), but being so confident that doing that will get such adoration. It would feel like an act to me!

TBH really what some of the others said. I have noticed men are not that fussy so as long as you look/seem alright and are friendly they go for it.

@whatchasay Thanks for the reply. Very interesting because I used to think a meal was the way to go for a second date so would suggest that. I obviously now realise this is probably why I got so many knock backs and probably came across so strong or even desperate.

I have obviously now toned this down and think similarly that a drink or coffee is the best bet.

richdeniro my view isn't necessarily the right way for all women. i think on balance playing it safe by not going too full on too soon is best though.

after all, if it goes well, there's plenty of dinners to come.

It sounds like normal behaviour but you just aren't into them so it's getting on your nerves and coming across as too full on.

When you are really into someone you don't find them irritating for wanting to see you again straight away

Sounds like you don't like the keenness...it's putting you off if they sound too keen or needy? Maybe change your OLD profile to looking for casual rather than relationship perhaps. It can be unattractive if they try too hard.

@LonelyandTiredandLow I know a woman like you OP. She's petite and makes huge effort to hold eye contact and smile sweetly with every man she talks to. She pretends to be thick if she catches a whiff that they would feel threatened if they knew which uni she went to. As someone who seemingly can't flirt for toffee, she awes me.

@ElectricMonkey

Why would you be in awe of someone who acts in this pathetic, awful way? Pretending to be thick if there are men in the room? Flirting with everyone for validation? Really not something to aspire to!

Yep, I thought this, but I thought if I said this - I would be accused of being jealous, and bitter, and ugly, and fat, and bitter, and jealous. 😂😂😂

Did I say jealous and bitter? 😕

Seriously, I would be embarrassed for any woman who behaved like this. Just as I am embarrassed for any woman who thinks every man fancies her and wants her so desperately.

Maybe you are having dates with the men who are objectively less attractive, successful, cool, etc. than you? Then they meet you, can't believe they scored so majorly and want to pursue you?

I had that when I was online dating in my youth. I didn't fancy those guys and it was frustrating that only the "wrong" ones are after me.

@Noodella18

No, I didn’t mean peanut-butter women in a derogatory way. I meant actual peanut-butter. Said friend is very good at the casual sex OLD thing; one of his adventures involved peanut-butter and a ONS. Hence, I used that –unclear- term. Never happens to me. That’s what I meant by it’s probably you; and that’s a good thing once you figure out what you can change that. I can sympathize. I’m having a bit of a quarterlife crisis and I’d like to experience something different (as in just simple consensual casual sex). As said, difficult for me because the women I meet are relationship minded.

From what I've read and my views, it sounds like you're possibly keeping them at arms length as it's early and you don't know them well (as you should) and they're going on the full charm offensive to impress you.

From decades of movies/books telling men to go after the girl and impress her with fancy restaurants and gifts and shower her with compliments, they probably assume that they're doing the right thing to win you over when actually they're doing the opposite.

From the get go, make it clear that you're not looking for an immediate commitment or fancy dates. You genuinely just want a few 'get to know you' low key dates.

Both men and women like the chase. It's a fact. But if something comes running at you, you'll instinctively want to run away.

Well that's a fresh insight, brel

Who knew peanut butter had so many uses?