Every man I meet for a date becomes obsessed with me

[whatchasay]

This is going to sound vain. Could never admit this IRL.

Every man I meet for a date ends up obsessing over me. Every man bar one, to be precise. I have dated a lot over the last year.

I am fed up. Im not some supermodel! Im 34, generally attractive I guess, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am pretty good at conversation and can engage with people quite quickly. I have a good job and my own life and friends, own home.

I like my own space but desperately want to settle down and have a family.

I just keep meeting people who seem like they cannot wait to see me again after one date. I dont sleep with these people by the way. It is just a date. Then they text and we meet again and before I know it they are wanting to know if we are exclusive etc, when i can next see them, texting constantly.

I feel fed up. Just want to meet a sensible, nice man who I am also into. Maybe i just havent met someone i properly like yet? ive been on SO many dates, maybe met 30 people in the last year. the same thing happens everytime.

I've had the same thing on OLD. I'm the same age, of above average attractiveness, and very engaging and competent with strangers. I feel like people are not paying any attention to what I'm really like at all. It's very frustrating having people become fixated on this idealistic version of who I am.

I make a point of refusing to engage in flirting or future planning when dating.

I think this is a symptom of dating at the moment- a friend has the same experience- I think lots of dating now is 'spread the net wide' approach.
A few years ago when i did OLD it was Match.com and it was much more chat to a few, meet one, date etc now with Tinder/Bumble and all the instant apps it is much more intense and active/proactive. Maybe that's it?

@whatchasay

They are more than likely wanting a few more dates to see if they can get a shag from you.

Once you shag them you won't see them for dust.

Just try it. You'll see.

It has to be that, because there is no reason that THIRTY men in the space of 12 months would be utterly desperate to keep dating you. There really isn't.

There must be something odd going on with the men you're dating because that does sound OTT and weird.

What is your normal criteria for a date? What do you say when they keep getting in contact...or do you just block?

Is that you, Samantha Brick?

It sounds like they're wanting relationships rather than casual dating.

From a man’s perspective, I’d appreciate honesty if someone wasn’t interested in me. It’s irritating contacting someone and then they come up with excuses (which in some cases are genuine but you can’t tell), then you contact them again (which from their point of view might be seen as obsessive or harassment). I’ve had both cases in the past, strung along by some and some who were interested but were genuinely busy. It’d be much easier to just say I’m not interested and everyone can move on.

Maybe it’s something the OP is doing, maybe you’re TOO open/friendly (which isn’t a bad thing) but maybe you give off the wrong signals. I’m not saying it is you but if it happens so many times the common factor is you so maybe be honest about taking things slowly from the outset and be more restrained?

Although of course I’m well aware of the male species being all lovey-dovey in the hope of getting their end away so don't discount that. It might depend on where you're getting these dates from. If it's blind dates from friends they're probably nice guys, if it's Tinder they're probably dirty little STI-ridden ratbags.

You're right, it does sound a bit vain. Although I agree it's annoying that the things they say sound fake when they say them so soon. It's pretty disrespectful, like they think you are either stupid or desperate, and clearly you aren't either.

If you are very attractive they are probably just desperate to be with you (relationships and sex).

Just keep at it, and when you meet someone you like I'm sure they will be interested.

You really can't win in OLD. Either you get practically stalked by hundreds of keen men (like you), or the two men that bothered to respond act like they are on a date with a piece of dog shit (me).

Maybe you are just not a pushover. There are loads of women on here who say: he seemed so keen at first then ghosted me. Men habitually behave obsessively in OLD until they get the woman into bed, then ghost and move on. If you don't fall for the excessive blather, they never get the chance to show you how indifferent they actually are to you as a real person not a conquest.

Like you say, a nice normal man won't behave like that and you will eventually meet one.

I get this too OP, I'm just too damn desirable.

@SamanthaBrique

I get this too OP, I'm too damn desirable...'

Not sure why the op is getting flack for daring to suggest that a. she is attractive and b. men fancy her.

Great camaraderie

People being really overly keen quickly IS off putting imo.

My experience with OLD was that men never stop pestering you, and I'm a very average looking person. If you've been on thirty dates, all with different men, I think maybe it would be a good idea to up the pre-meeting vetting process, so you can weed most of them out.

I am laughing so hard right now. Clearly these men want a proper relationship. That’s all it is. This is how people who are dating to get married as opposed to casually dating behave. The general trend is first date:is she a psycho? No, could I see myself married to her? Probably, must arrange a second date. Second date. Will she do? Yes probably, good, must establish exclusivity before she finds someone else. And so on. I think you’ve just reached the age when men you are dating are looking to settle down. My husband was looking to settle down when we met, I was open to it too. We were married within six months of meeting. My close friend just got engaged to a guy she’s known for three months. He has been looking to settle down for a long time so when he was satisfied it would do fine he asked her. She was looking to settle down too and thought they would be five together so she said yes. The relationships where this doesn’t happen so quickly either I’ve of both parties isn’t ready to settle.

Sounds pretty average 'I like you' behaviour to me.

I was gonna use the Samantha Brick line too 😂

OP are you very good socially? Chatty? Put people at ease? Fun and interesting?

I had the same problem and I was because of the above. My job involves meeting lots of new people all the time, taking control of the interaction and putting them at ease and drawing them out of themselves. So I’ve had a lot of practice, and turns out that’s what I’m like on dates. I don’t get nervous either. So basically almost every date I’ve ever been on, I’ve found I’m doing a lot of the leg work to put the nervous guy at ease and make him feel comfortable, and afterwards without fail they always say they had a brilliant time and can’t wait to see me again. The thing is, even if I don’t like the guy, cos I’m a nice person I still try make the most of the date together so we have fun, so whether I’m into the guy or not I always get men who have the perception it has been an amazing evening with a great connection and they wanna do it again.

It’s a bit frustrating I guess but it’s a good problem to have as it means you have the pick of the people you go out with.

Follow up they sound more desperate..

I don't think their behaviour sounds obsessive as such. They are just trying to show that they are keen, probably because they would like to have sex with you ASAP, and think keenness will assist this. Once they have had sex with you, or have proved to themselves that they could, they will then decide whether they want to keep seeing you.

Basically if you are a pleasant and reasonable looking woman, most men who are OLD would like to sleep with you.

@halfwitpicker

Not sure why the op is getting flack for daring to suggest that a. she is attractive and b. men fancy her.

Great camaraderie.

PMSL.

Oh yeah, the non existent sisterhood must ALWAYS stick together must they not? No matter how right or wrong someone may be or how stupid their comments are!

And here's a newsflash for ya honey, most women on this website are attractive and have men fancy them. Do do be quite, and do grow up!

The poster who mentioned always being interested in them and asking questions etc is exactly how i am - i think i am very good at coming across as a perfect date, laughing in the right places and so on. what i probably am not doing is being completely and totally myself. thats not to say im not honest about things, i give my opinions even if they differ to his, but i am generally easy company i think.

maybe i am doing it wrong or just havent met the right person.

Completely agree with you @Racecardriver

Sounds to me like OP isn’t finished with the mind games people play when they’re not ready to have a proper relationship.

I bet if you shagged them sooner you wouldn't have this issue. Then you'd be complaining about being ghosted all the time. Sadly they're full of shit to try and get you into bed.

@halfwitpicker

Not sure why the op is getting flack for daring to suggest that a. she is attractive and b. men fancy her.

Great camaraderie.

PMSL.

Oh yeah, the non existent sisterhood must ALWAYS stick together must they not? No matter how right or wrong someone may be or how stupid their comments are!

And here's a newsflash for ya honey, most women on this website are attractive and have men fancying them. Do be quiet, and do grow up!