I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

Does he have a daughter/sister/niece? Would he want them to be googling the people they were considering a relationship with, or would he advise them to just go in with blind trust?

@greeneye love your best friend who does all your research

@TheStoic he has no kids or nieces and a married sister

I don't do OLD, but I have heard from lots of my male friends that they feel that many women on there are first and foremost concerned about finding out how much money they have, and if they're wealthy. On meeting the first questions they tend to be asked are not name, age, hobbies, kids etc but what do they do and how much money they make - and they all say they get really sick of that. If you admitted you looked him up on Companies House, and he is a director then he probably thought you were trying to find out his income. I get that you weren't, but if that's how it came across to him I'm not surprised he's no longer interested - sorry

@JovialNickname not thought of it from that perspective actually, the guy I'm with now said that the majority of women he'd spoken to on OLD prior to us getting together had come across as very materialistic too. Asking about what car he drove/ how much he earned etc. I think I asked him about goats 🤔

Saying that, I still think he overreacted

@JovialNickname I can't imagine he would think that. He is on Companies House as a Director but for a very small personal EBay selling business which is a sideline to his normal employment where he is an office worker.

Plus in the last 10 days or so we've had general conversations about finances, work, debt etc
Ive no idea how much he earns and he knows I've no interest in knowing.

@IndieTara

You will just have to move on and forget about him

I've just tried to catch up on the thread and saw you're in your 50s....I assumed you were in your 20s by googling your date!
Is this salvageable or totally over?

I OLD and I always do as much online research as I can, if I think there may be legs to a relationship.

In the olden days, you would met someone through work, through college, through friends etc and generally speaking someone would be able to vouch for them and tell you that they weren't already married, weren't bankrupt, weren't a serial liar that shagged everything that moved within a 200 mile radius, weren't a wife beater etc etc etc

If you date through OLD, then you have to be careful and do what you can to protect yourself. Online research is ESSENTIAL in my opinion and I have no qualms whatsoever about doing it. If people have a public online presence then surely they expect other people to be aware of that or find it.

I sometimes will lightly ask dates what I would find if I googled them, just to see how they react and am happy to tell them what they are likely to find if they google me!

I think your date is being unreasonable in his response IndieTara - you did nothing wrong.

I googled someone I had started seeing... who was a bit cagey about sharing info.. from name and general location I was able to find an address... and well guess what.. he was listed at the address alongside a woman's name... utter cheating scumbag he was..

Hi @thinkingcapon I'm not sure what difference my age makes, I'm only 52!

But yes I'd say it's probably over I haven't heard from him in over 48 hrs which is very unusual. Although I can see if he's online and surprisingly he hasn't blocked me.

I agree 52 is young but your actions made me think you were far younger. You've got to let this one go and put it down to experience. X

OLD is full of men who never lie we, should all take everything a stranger tells us at face value

OP, you TOTALLY did the right thing. It's not like you read his diary or looked at his phone. The info on the net is for PUBLIC CONSUMPTION !! If he has nothing to hide, why would he give a shit

I always told my dates that I had done some 'preliminary research' on them, it's better to be upfront about these things. I think it shows that you are sensible and won't accept being fucked about by clowns who lie about their ages, marital status and jobs. No one ever cared, they all wanted to see me again.

You're meeting a total stranger FFS, someone you don't know from Adam who you may go on to have sex with if not then but within a few dates. You have every right to ensure your safety and security.

What a dick. You have dodged a bullet.

thinkingcapon

I've just tried to catch up on the thread and saw you're in your 50s....I assumed you were in your 20s by googling your date!

WTF has age got to do with being sensible and protective over your personal security? I'm 44, always used to Google my OLD guys

WTF has age got to do with this? I'm late 40s and google dates.

IndieTara DO NOT apologise for googling him. Why on earth would you apologise for having your own best interests at heart?!

Not telling your date that you spent the previous evening googling them is not "lying to them" or "being dishonest" At a long stretch it could be seen as lying by omission, but even then....

If you had met through friends, you would probably have asked your mutual friend "what's he like? What is he into? Anything dodgy I should know about?" But no-one would expect you to tell your date that you had had that conversation in the interests of frankness and full transparency

Im with @Mushroomsarehorrible I think the fact Im older makes me more wary and more likely to google as I've had more experience of crappy men on OLD.

I can def pass for a woman in her 40's but not 20's tho!

Mushroomsarehorrible

The reason I mentioned her age as I think this behaviour is really immature.

Doesn't mean I'm right, it's just a personal opinion......and if a middle aged person did google their date (which I'm sure is more common than people would admit to) they wouldn't tell them!

What behaviour is immature thinkingcapon? Being sensible and checking someone out? What do you think people meeting strangers on OLD should do? Be gullible and end up on TV shows about catfishers? What planet are you on?

*Mushrooms Funny - most men you'll speak to about OLD will say the vast majority of women lie about their age. That's clear from the dating thread on here, too.

@thinkingcapon how is googling somebody to try and protect myself a little, immature?

You came on here to get validation for what you've done and many people agree with you in that it's normal behaviour to do some checking online

I'm not willing to give reasons as to why I think it's a bit immature as several of you will then start flaming me, it's just a personal opinion

No @thinkingcapon I just wanted a bit of perspective as my original post stated.

I don't need validation, I'm 52 and can make and stand by my own choices and decisions.

I posted because I was interested to see what people thought and if what I did was so unusual

How the feck is it immature? Its called safety.