I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

@Notacluewhatthisis it's hardly an in depth background check!

I googled his name and Companies House came up so I had a look.

If Id realised anybody would react so badly Id never have admitted it.

I would be uncomfortable if I thought that someone googled me
I know that a colleague of man has googled me, because he knew something about me that nobody would know; which concerned a hobby of mine
Op’s ‘Mistake ‘ was that she told her date that she googled him. He didn’t like it. It doesn’t necessarily mean he has anything to hide

I also asked him for his registration number so I could send it to a friend

I’d be properly freaked out if someone I was talking to from on line dating announced they knew my date of birth as they’d been googling me. Not a chance in hell I’d meet you again, far to creepy for me.

A quick google I think most people do it but it’s creepy as fuck so you don’t admit to it

You must this one up by being creepy, so on to the next for you.....

I told my now DH about all the, fairly extensive, googling I did of him when we first met (also through OLD). He was slightly surprised I guess but mainly quote amused about it tbh! Every now and then my super sleuthing/ability to find things out comes up in a jokey way. But, thankfully, it never put him off. Don't know why it would really... There was no harm done 🤷

Maybe he thinks that you’ve looked at his company accounts online so can see if he is making or losing money via the business.
That I would see as a breach personally, makes you worry about the person.
Difficult really but if he’s prone to over reactions it might be a lucky escape.

I started off thing he has just massively overreacted (and perhaps there is something you did not find which he is worried about because it was such a bizarre reaction). Then I began to see it a bit from his point of view. However I’m not sure many men fully get the extent to which women need to make sure they are safe ( well actually I’m sure lots of men don’t have a clue how violence against women makes all women cautious) this might play a part here ?

I google everyone. I have to be googleabke as part of my job as academic. What’s the problem?

I know some people will find the phrase ‘male privilege’ to be a cliché but because they don’t fear aggression & assault like women do, they don’t have to try to protect themselves. It seems responsible to try to check the veracity of claims made by strange men you are going to meet.
Women don’t feel safe. That’s not our fault.

I always google people. I caught a new boyfriend cheating because I googled him and found this girl was posting about him being her boyfriend (and he was cheating on her with me). And I once googled a family member’s new boyfriend (because she’s older and didn’t know how to do it herself) and found out he was registered on the electoral roll with a woman who had the same surname. Looked her up on Facebook and lo and behold she was his wife! If you’re afraid to be googled you obviously have something to hide.

OP - even though you didn't say it as bluntly, that's what he will have heard...

Bonkers overreaction! And to block you as well! DH and I admitted to doing all sorts of very in depth Googling when we got together, and we didn't even meet online. I remember we laughed about it on our 3rd or 4th date - how hard he was to track down because of a relatively common name
and how easy it was for him to find things out about me with my uncommon name. Part and parcel of modern courtship if you ask me.

But maybe unwise to reveal you knew his birthdate from Companies House. He may have thought you'd gone through his accounts or something. I think anyone who's
been on OLD for a while is highly sensitised anything that might seem like a red flag. what a shame for you both though, as it had been going so well.

YANBU for googling him but YABU for telling him. Maybe he does have something to hide, or maybe you telling him just made him feel uncomfortable.

getoff cross post! Absolutely.

Notacluewhatthisisif you don't want people knowing your details don't have them online. From the moment they are online and public you shouldn't be shocked that someone sees and knows about them.

When it come to a business it's there. Its not a choice. Having the information there, doesn't mean you need to go look.

And it's not just the fact that the op looked. It's the fact she made a joke about knowing details about him before telling him. That's unsettling. That would bother me more, that someone I was seeing thought making me feel uncomfortable was entertaining.

As I said, op can do what she wants. And people can feel what they want about it.

I think your Googling wet a bit too far, but i totally get why you did it. Defo a mistake to let him know though. However if it was meant to be he wouldn't let this bother him assuming he knows about your past experience and he has nothing to hide. Could just be an easy way or excuse for him to move on, either way I'm sure you've learned a lesson (don't tell them that you google them) just move on, it was only a handful of dates.

I can't believe you apologised!

I Google the fuck out of everyone. I agree with PP who said he might be hiding something. Why else would he massively over-react like that?!

YANBU. He almost certainly googled you too.

I think it's fine. I Google all sorts of people just because I'm nosey! I don't understand his reaction.

There's googling and then there's googling. I think, personally, you went a bit far, and I certainly wouldn't have told him that you had his DOB from Companies House because that seems a bit OTT.

Sorry it hasn't worked out for you though.

A decent guy wouldn’t be a dick about it if he wanted a relationship.

@ThunderInMyHeart I apologised for upsetting him but also said I was glad I'd done it as Id been so reassured by it

I never google dates but many men have been surprised that I haven’t. Have you pointed out to him that it’s not unreasonable for a woman to fear being raped and murdered by a strange man and that he, by virtue of having never met him or had any real life connection with him, is by definition and strange man. Ask him how he would feel if his daughter met up with some blsome off the internet without double checking that he was who he said he was regardless of how genuine he seemed. That will make him realise what an arse he’s been. At any rate it’s too late. He is either a bit thick or over sensitive. It’s for the best that you don’t see him again.

It’s very sensible I think.

I didn’t meet DH through OLD (we met at a party), but after our first date I did a bit of background research. I mainly wanted to check that he wasn’t married and had never been in prison. Lucky for me, he wasn’t and he hadn’t.

I don’t see anything wrong with googling people, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to tell him. But even so, he ought to be able to understand why you did. It’s not an invasion of privacy to search for info that’s already up online and freely available.

I think it’s him who’s fucked things up with his overreaction. Once he gets over himself he’ll probably realise he’s been a bit of a nob. But whether he’ll have the stones to admit it to you is another matter.

For context, I told a guy who I had a few dates with that 'did you know your dad set up a company with a name based on yours and your brother's?' in a kind of 'lol' way as we'd both been Googling each other and trying to find e.g. embarrassing Spotify playlists.

He now lives with me. He never batted an eyelid.

In fact, I've told dates I've Googled them etc etc and they've done nothing but laugh and wanted to know what I'd found.

Big fucking deal. It's Google. If you don't want to be found, it's very possible to limit what one can find.