I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

I don’t think you googled hard enough OP, there’s something he is hiding to go so mad with you - or he didn’t like your ingenuity.
Well done anyway !

I hate all this 'google him but don't tell him' stuff.

Don't be with someone you have to lie to to be acceptable.
All these 'scared' men, running away from 'stalkers'.

I remember about 20 years ago a guy I knew who was a terrible flirt. He cheated on his lovely girlfriend almost constantly. One of the times he did it with a girl who was quite messed up mentally. He slept with her a few times and then binned her. She turned up at his house a few times (he shared with other young men), and he accused her of stalking him. He then slept with her again, and then when she turned up at his house another time drunk and distraught he called the police. He ended up getting a restraining order out on her.
He did all this to cover his tracks to avoid his lovely girlfriend finding out. The young men he lived with knew and said nothing - they were complicit.

The statistics don't bear witness to this prevalence of female stalkers.
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/datasets/stalkingfindingsfromthecrimesurveyforenglandandwales

Domestic abuse stats also show that women are more likely to be killed.
www.theguardian.com/public-leaders-network/2017/dec/14/domestic-abuse-violence-women-femicide-review-refuge-cuts-in-numbers

THIS is why we need to be careful. And any man who doesn't recognise that can jog on. There are plenty that do. Doesn't sound like he is one of them.

@Stillwishihadabs 🤨
when you meet someone online, researching them online is a perfectly normal thing to do.
While yes it would be lovely to get to know them by meeting their family/ friends you can't exactly conduct an interview with their mother prior to meeting them to reassure yourself that they are who they say they are.... that's the nature of online dating unfortunately!

Like plenty have said, the decent guys (and girls) will appreciate the reasons behind doing this and not react the way this guy did

I wonder what he is hiding. Google him some more!

I agree with StillwishIhad. We didn't have all this online 'intelligence' around us always and we perhaps relied more on instinct and our wits. If something felt wrong, that was that and we acted accordingly. I would find somebody who told me my date of birth creepy and that would be that, the 'date' would be over then and there.

Google isn't going to keep you safe, you'd be an idiot to think so (not you OP, the other posters who mistakenly believe this). Every bit of the information that you can find online can be completely false. DOB is an easy one. Nobody I know puts this accurately on social media.

Checking Companies House data would be a step too far. If you feel the need to do that then best walk away.

This isn't about keeping women safe, it's all about people wanting to snoop. Mostly on fake information. Pointless. Nothing that you can find on Companies House is for your safety, that's moronic.

DH has suggested that the guy may have wanted to break things off anyway and was looking for an excuse.

@ChodeofChodeHall the thought did cross my mind but I honestly don't think so

THIS is why we need to be careful. And any man who doesn't recognise that can jog on. There are plenty that do. Doesn't sound like he is one of them.

That's what I said. His reaction raises the possibility that he is impervious to the fact that gender based violence is overwhelming skewed in favour of male-on-female violence.

It's not unreasonable for anyone to exercise due caution by doing a few basic fact checks, especially around OLD. But the stakes are much higher for women than they are for me, and OP was being sensible.

I haven't a clue OP, I am just saying that googling the pants out of someone isnt necessarily the best way of keeping safe. But being a little bit circumspect around going back to theirs/ inviting them round/ not getting drunk/driving home the first few times are the sort of things that I might do to keep safe. I have no idea if you did these or not. As I say I do live in 1990, there is one "hit" which comes up if you Google me (on my employer's website with no photo)so slim pickings indeed for any potential stalkers.

@Stillwishihadabs but you're still referring to them as 'stalkers'.

Wren if OP had said to her date "I googled you as you can't be too careful these days" and he'd had a problem with that, it would be different. But instead it slipped out so it looked cagey, and she'd gone as far as googling financial information (which isn't on the face of it easily related back to doing it for personal safety issues).

Have you had sex with him op. In my experience some men will come up with any old excuse to make an exit after they've got their leg over.

Total overreaction from him I think. I just googled myself and I don't seem to exist. Not sure if that is reassuring or not.

I understand that you felt your behaviour was reasonable (sensible even) and there are plenty on here, who probably have more experience of OLD than me who agree with you. However I (and your date) would find it intrusive and controlling, that's ok. People are allowed to have differing points of view. I have suggested it might be an age thing (genX are charecteristically independant and were adults before the internet) you haven't said whether this might have been a factor.

Following this thread , just googled myself. I don’t care about my professional stuff being public but it’s pretty scary exactly how much precise personal info is out there when you are linked to various companies - my ex’s name, my address, DOB, my home outside of London, my family members, cash in the bank. And there’s fuck all I can do about it, it seems... Yes, googling only takes you far with regards to safety.

I tho l if you’d googled him before, because you’d been cat fished in the past. But it was after you met. And your search sounds a bit more in depth. I’ve reversed google imaged and searched on social media. I’ve never googled an actual name. I’d be a bit creeped out if someone did the same to me and then mentioned it after only one date.

I agree we need to be cautious and there are crazy people out there, but he is entitled to react how he wants to this.

Nobody is saying that googling a potential date keeps you safe.

My DH isn't on any social media so he'd have been harder to track down if I'd not known him before we went on our first date. I think these days some people think that's a red flag too!

How doea everyone know so much about how the OP came across when she told him? So now it's her fault because she may have used a 'cagey' tone?

Nonsense.

I’m good at internet “research” and knew the surname of my chap before he’d told me, I did have to piece together quite a bit of info. I told him and he was flattered. We’ve been together 2 years and he still tells people about my —stalking— research skills

Strikerthrough always fails

@SundayGirls I did not google his financial status In any way. I have no
Idea what he earns and really don't care either. I'm not that shallow and not particularly money oriented.

Honesty, chemistry and communication are what I look for.

@pudding21 I mentioned it after the 4th date and when the 5th was arranged.

@Stillwishihadabs I have no idea if his age is a factor. I'd ask but he won't talk to me.

For the record Im 52 ( today. Worst birthday ever ) and he is 54.

Oh god, happy birthday @indietara

Please use today as a line in the sand and be confident it seems the majority on this thread are backing your background checking x

@IndieTara
Happy birthday and you did the right thing.

I'm not brave enough yet to old but be proud that you have and found the lying frogs like him.

Keep trying you deserve someone who will be honest and not go mad because you exposed the real them

Google is public. I goggle myself sometimes to see what info is out there.
Anyone can put in a name and hey presto...public information and maybe even some images! What a shocker!
Complete overreaction OP. A normal reaction should be flattery ...however I take it you gave the reason of looking him up as checking facts...which would sound off after a nice date.
Lesson learned not to mention it next time.
Though lucky escape. If he wants to let you go after something so trivial that's his loss