I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

Nah he met someone else on OLD he fancied more that’s all.

It’s the blaming you that gives it away.

I remember when someone confessed to Googling, FB, Linkedin, Insta, etc searching me before we met up for a first date having matched on Bumble and was commenting about how locked down my social media profiles were.

I responded by adding her as a friend and letting her do whatever digging she wanted, as far as I was concerned I have no red flags. I had nothing to hide and I admitted to having a quick search for her on FB.

It's 2018 now, everyone does it and why wouldn't you. If you're meeting someone having met online why wouldn't you want to use the same resources to just check out more about them. It's human nature.

I check new people in my circles, too. Usually what their facebook likes are - if they're sleazy I know they're not for me.

perhaps he felt uncomfortable that you found out such personal info, but his reaction would make me suspicious, like he has something to hide. I mean, all this stuff is out there for everyone to see s why freak out when you see it?

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if it’s moved on but...

Many employers google job applicants first. That’s a much less intimate relationship than dating someone. If you’ve met someone online who’s a complete stranger I don’t blame you for googling him.

If you google my real name there is a news paper article about me. I was also the topic of a popular BBC radio programme.

I wouldn't want anyone to read that as it's very personal to me. I had no choice about what was written about me either!

First thing I do when I meet someone is Google them. Don't tell them tho

I don’t think I would have admitted to googling someone, it sounds creepy. And I think checking Compsnies House is too much as well. I have just googled myself, not a common name and there are only three pages of results and my companies house entry is on the third page.

Tell him he needs to check his male privilege. If he doesn't understand why a woman would feel more comfortable after googling a date he's an idiot. Smacks of deny-attack-reverse victim and offender to me.

NotUmbongo I'd reserve your fury because you've probably been googled more times than you think.

OP, maybe you shouldn't have admitted it, maybe you were right to but I think his reaction is v poor. If he had nothing to hide, what's the big deal? If he was the right one for you he would want to know why you looked him up and would understand your self preservation.

I don't blame you for Googling, I have done that before and would again. My partner knows I did it with him too, and wasn't upset at all, he said it's basic online safety and completely understandable. There are so many liars around that it's a natural thing to want to make sure they're legit.

Reverse image searches and social media profile checks are absolutely essential. Several times I discovered cheaters from image searches, and was able to contact the fiancée of one cheating bastard to warn her what a shitkettle she was engaged to. Idiot used a photo from his FB profile on a dating site.

The really stupid thing was that the photo was of him working in a bar that he managed in a nearby city. Not only did his profile show his relationship status and fiancée's name, but he'd listed the bar he worked at too. These idiots think we don't check stuff.

I sent her screenshots of our convo, and his dating profile.

In this day and age you'd be stupid not to do as much of a background check as you can.

Having said that, you possibly should have got to know him a little better before you told him, 5 weeks isn't long really, you're still finding out about one another.

His reaction may be due to a couple of things. He may have been stalked before, he may have something to hide, he may just simply have misunderstood your reasoning and been freaked out by it.

Still, he's thrown his toys out of the cot so there is not much you can do about it except chalk it up to experience.

Maybe he’s been burned by such behaviour before. Maybe he is hiding something and is now worried that you’ll winkle it out in time. Facebook profile totally locked down could indicate either- there could be a wife or fiancé all over his Facebook or he might have been turned down for a job cos he shared racist jokes there.

So maybe he just knows you’re not one to have the wool pulled over your eyes.

A guy I dated a couple of times told me on the third date that he really liked me, but I was a bit brighter than he was used to. He explained he wanted to get married to someone who was dim enough to be oblivious when he played away, and he knew he wouldn’t get away with anything with me.

So chalk it down to lucky escape.

Completely reasonable to check out someone is who they said they are in online dating.

He's an idiot for caring.

I am completely googlable, also an academic, so can't get over the preciousness over whether he has a company or not, it probably just popped up in the search.

I was googling guys when dating 20 years ago- just check workplace, things like that.

Its really awful to be googling people, and then tell them about it. Why can you not conduct a nice old fashioned relationship.?

His reaction alone is a red flag I think.

I’m amazed anyone would be surprised you googled them. I’d be surprised if you didn’t.

Maybe he thought you’d dug around harder than you actually did because of the birthday thing.t

Google all you like, perfectly reasonable thing to do. But probably not the best idea to tell him as it makes you sound some what stalkerish epecially if you then go and post all about on mumsnet

Shudders … thinking he is on mumsnet reading all about it too

Oh hang on, perhaps that is why he is isn't a happy bunny. Thank goodness I'm not on social media …...

I think he's freaked out because your interest in him seems too intense - to him, at least. Guys are weird. One of my friends had a guy break up with her after she bought him an easter egg. I heard of another woman being dumped after the guy saw that she'd stocked her fridge with his favourite drink brand. They think we're desperate to marry them and entrap them into commitments. It's quite amusing to think that something as innocent as an easter egg can set off their commitmentphobia!

Don't give yourself a hard time, and don't build him up into someone who was perfect for you - he doesn't sound particularly nice.

In my past there were a couple of guys who "blew it" by being overly interested, to the point of being stalker-ish. I would NEVER have told them to their faces that they "blew it". I backed off gently and broke up with them respectfully. I don't like the sound of this bloke - I actually think you've had a lucky escape.

And ideally you shouldn't be texting men you barely know "goodnight" last thing at night. It's not exactly mysterious or intriguing. It's not good for them to be so sure of you. Never let 'em get too comfortable!

I have done this every single time. Will not of on a date if I haven't found some info first .

I don't want to be catfished!

I accidentally dropped myself in it once

We were at the movies and he was talking bout his birthday and I said " aw next week right ? " he was like ... " I never told you that "

I tried to fluff my way out of it and then admitted I'd found him online.

He laughed .

I feel laughing is a normal reaction. What you got was a show of how he may behave in the future . Run. Run far away.

In my experience the only people who have professed their honesty have turned out to be devious wankers. Good people generally have nothing to hide.

I get why the OP did what she did. She's had bad experiences in the past.

But how do we know HE hasn't had a bad experience in the past with someone stalking him which is why he reacted as he did?

Maybe he just found it far too intense too soon. He's perfectly entitled to. Some people are very trusting people and are very honest and assume everyone else is (naively) and might well feel uncomfortable about someone going so far as to find out their date of birth. I feel pretty sure if the roles were reversed and it was a man revealing he knew the woman's date of birth she might well not be very impressed and feel a bit stalked.

If you do a bit of checking around, that's one thing, but if you do, keep it to yourself.

I get why the OP did what she did. She's had bad experiences in the past
I do this and I've never really had a bad date.
Everyone was who they said they were.
A couple of them lied about age by a couple of years but that's the worst of it.
But..... I will still google and check them out before meeting them.
Like going for an interview.
No way would I turn up without knowing something about the company.

Never admit to the crazy stuff we do!!
When I was OLD, my best friend insisted on details so she could do her research but I never admitted that to my dates!!

I think you've dodged a bulletin there OP. Total overreaction by him and totally understandable for you to have googled him. Pretty sure I've read OLD advice to do just that.

Intelligent men are able to understand why a woman might be more concerned about this than a man. Because of the rather inconvenient fact that two women a week murdered by men , nearly all of them by someone they know well, often a partner or former partner.

That’s not counting the stalking, harassmemy, assaults, sexual assaults and rapes.

Most men would think its smart to take precautions. Most men would want their female friends, relatives and colleagues who are online dating to be smart and safe.

Most men wouldn’t go

“But what about meeeeee? My feelings are being hurt by women’s response to Male violence. “