I googled a date and now he won't talk to me

[IndieTara]

Looking for some perspective from you nice people. This is likely to be long. Sorry.
I've been seeing somebody for 5 short weeks, we met on OLD.

We messaged for a couple of days, spoke on the phone and decided to meet up 3 days later. It was Instant chemistry when we met.

For context on OLD over the last couple of years I've been catfished 3 times, stood up numerous times and had guys turn up to dates who looked nothing like their photos. So It's fair to say I'm wary. He also knew about all of this.

After we met up I looked up his FB profile ( he'd mentioned his surname ) which was completely locked down with only a profile photo visible.

So I also googled him. I found a press release with a quote in it from him, this confirmed he worked where he said he did.

I also found an entry on Companies House, this gave an address and a date of birth. I was able to deduce that it was likely to be him, which confirmed he lived in the area he said he did and also confirmed the age thé dating site said he was.

Given my past OLD issues I found this information hugely reassuring as I liked him and it meant I could relax a bit and start to get to know him.

Cut to Sunday night just gone, he phoned me, we were having a laugh and a chat and the subject of birthdays came up as it was mine in the next couple of days. I don't know why I did it but I dropped into the conversation that I knew his date of birth and it all ended up with me confessing that I'd googled him after out first date. He seemed fine with it during our conversation and we went on to arrange a 5th date for this Saturday coming.

I went to bed and sent a short goodnight text on WhatsApp( we've got into the habit of goodnight and good morning messages )

Next morning I saw the message hadn't been delivered to his phone or read and just knew it was because of my googling admission.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying I'd fucked everything up by googling him and he'd only ever been honest with me.
I was really surprised at his reaction given he was fine during our conversation the night before.
I fully expect to be googled by anyone I go on a date with and have no problem with it.

I google lots of people, my new landlord most recently ( given that I'm handing over a large sum of money to him every month ) that kind of thing. Never for nefarious purposes.

Obviously I've apologised for doing this and explained my reasons behind it but he won't talk to me now. I know I can't make him but feel its an over reaction on his part. Doesn't everyone do this? These are information records on the internet that are public, anyone can access them.

Plus I'm gutted I've seemingly ruined a possible relationship with the first man I've liked in quite a while.

Happy Birthday

OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. He massively overreacted and that is a huge red flag. You probably dodged a bullet there. All the information was easily found in the public realm and a very sensible precaution given the number of scammers and liars on OLD. He may seem to have been forthcoming but he could still be up to something dodgy to react this way. Who knows, maybe he is using someone else’s ID, a friend etc. I google everyone I have dealings with these days after having been far too trusting.

Happy birthday and good luck with finding someone lovely

Happy Birthday @IndieTara

I think it's fine to do this as long as you do it discreetly.. and don't tell!
I'm not in the dating game but have googled the fuck out of people.coming into my home to do jobs etc. In 90% of cases there is tons of info out there. Only in one case was there nothing, nada, zilch apart from electoral roll info -no social media, photos, accounts, reviews, work-related websites/ advertising/ promoting business. And I can usually find anything online. I thought that was pretty ... unusual these days, especially for someone who had (and copiously used) a smartphone.

I put a disclaimer on my dating bio “attempt to catfish me if you dare, my FBI skills are stronger than your dads brylcreem”
Any person living in society today that does online dating or applies for a job should expect to be googled.
Cheating and catfishing is rife it’s only sensible to check them out! Even more so if you are a single mum. Sod him, he sounds way too delicate. His loss totally ! xx

When I was dating I did as much research on any potential partner as possible.

I've been blackmailed in the past, so will never let anyone get me in that position again if I can help it.
I feel much safer knowing some of the small details. And if it's on google it's fair game in my opinion.

Revealing what you knew about him wasn't the best idea, but it seems like you already know that.

Thanks again all of you. Thanks for the best wishes, flowers, Happy birthdays, advice and context.

Interesting responses to what most women who are dating on line see as something they do to protect themselves.

OLD is chock full of married men, men who want NSA sex, men who pretend they are something they are not, just read the dating thread, it's common.

Dating isn't the way it used to be even ten years ago. Now people generally meet on line, the days where we met through friends or at work, where people knew each other beforehand so had no reason to check them out, are rare.

Anyone under 40, I would imagine would automatically do a little googling to make sure this stranger they've been chatting to on a dating site is who they say there are because you've only got to google 'catfishing' or read about women being attacked or even murdered to see why, so to suggest it's an invasion of privacy or creepy is a little niave.

I recently met a man online who caught my attention (rare) and he seemed really lovely, chilled and relaxed. We were having a conversation about women googling prospective dates and he completely changed, he became rude and aggressive and accused me of investigating him. (At this point I hadn't googled him as I had no idea of his surname or where he lived) but his over reaction was hugely telling and I immediately wondered what he had to hide.

I didn't want to speak to him again even though he called me. He then sent a text saying perhaps I shouldn't tell the next man I meet I will be googling him which just affirmed I had made the right decision.

We didn't have all this online 'intelligence' around us always and we perhaps relied more on instinct and our wits

No we didn’t but by the same token online dating didn’t exist either.

If you went on a blind date it was set up through friends so that formed part of the due diligence.

If we met somebody whilst out, we were usually with friends and could get a feel for a person with safety in numbers.

What didn’t happen was that we met up with people we’d never seen before without friends being there or friends knowing them first.

How can we rely on instinct and wits with a total internet stranger?

I raised the parallel before but before the days of being online, I never needed to research the companies I did business with either because I never used remote retailers or services. It’s foolish not to use the resources available to check out anyone/thing you only have their word for.

What is OLD? I've just tried to google it (no pun intended) but it's not coming up.

On Line Dating

Yes, that's very true, Joysmum, it's a different scenario now. I've been thinking about what I would do if I were single and wanted to date and I imagine that I'd possibly meet people through my work, socialising more than I do now so that would be the 'due diligence'.

If I were online dating I'd have no choice but to talk online, then on the phone, then meet up with them in a public place. They'd be nowhere near my home though. I like to think that I wouldn't get caught out but I know that anybody can be.

I know that it would be super-slow, dates and dates, different times and places and activities and I'd hope that I'd find out more as time progressed.

One thing that does seem quite apparent is that dating is much, much faster now, souped up, everything has to be so fast, instant connection and instant commitment. I really would hate that, it feels artificial and I imagine a lot of it is. Not real at all.

Sorry OP, I'm musing, not talking about your scenario. You have done nothing wrong but neither has he despite what others are saying, he's entitled to his feelings and it doesn't mean that he's hiding things from you. It's just a mis-match. Chalk it up to that and move on to the next one. Good luck to you.

Im married so haven't ever done online dating BUT if I did. Your damn right I'd be googling people. I think it's pretty foolish not to tbh. Wouldn't tell them I had and that was obviously a slip up but no I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

If you don't think you did anything wrong, why say sorry?

@Blackness78 because I was sorry Id upset him but not sorry Id done it

Has he still blocked you?

I 192'ed someone and found out that he was living with a woman with the same surname (electoral roll 2017, I think it was). He told me they'd split up a decade ago! 😂

No he hasn't blocked me at all

He sounds too easily put off you. I do this and have often confessed it to dates. It's a good test. One man who worked in online intelligence whatever that is said that it's tempting but he prefers to have more honour. He then tried to coerce me in to sex. I escaped.

Other men have laughed and said I googled you too but you share your name with too many other people! And I laugh.

I think it's sensible and if anybody gets too shirty about the fact that you want to know a bit more or corroborate what you've been told then they're being unrealistic whatever about unreasonable.

The right guy will LAUGH at your admission, even though now you'll be too scared to make it again. Actually I think it's a good way of scaring off men who can't put themselves in women's shoes, aren't living in the real dating world and who are who are too quick to give every simple thing the most negative interpretation possible.

He's over reacting but you shouldn't have told him you googled him 

I really don't see what you've done wrong here. So what? it's natural curiosity.. if he blocks you for that admission it makes me wonder if he is hiding something or has 'ishoos'

Happy Birthday by the way. It's a shame he's given such a normal course of action SUCH a negative interpretation. Get turned off by that. I have also turned up to meet somebody who was ten years older than he said he was, I've had married men message me (although I think I weed them out before meeting them, don't think I've ever met up with anybody married). But I am like the poster who boasts about her FBI skills on her profile page. Well, not dating anymore but I wouldn't apologise for having done it.
This proves that he is not laid back. He's kind of suspicious. Thinks the worst not the best. Can't put himself in women's shoes.

I agree that he may have been going to end it, if not immediately, in a while and he thought hmmm just do it now. He also might be annoyed that he cannot GET AWAY with lying in the future if he chooses to so he may have been digesting how much information was available.

I think everyone should do some digging after a date... it's only sensible as a woman in this day and age.

@blackness78 I made a similar discovery and saved myself 40 euro to a babysitter. not sorry

Jungster Good for you!