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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold: DP of 5 years just left

146 replies

carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 18:50

Namechanged for this - need a bit of a handhold. My DP of 5 years has just left this evening and taken all of his stuff.
Bit of background - this has happened before and I took him back (stupidly). The last time he took a bag of stuff and went back to his parents and then kept coming round to pick stuff up and in the end we ended up getting back together because we missed each other so much.
Can't remember what his reasons were the last time but it just can't work between us. I am 10 years older and his family hate me. He has had no end of problems with them though he had problems with them before we were together as well.
It is all a bit complicated but the upshot of it is that we were on holiday last week and a couple of weeks before the holiday he said he was "having doubts". He might want children in the future he said and he also said he didn't find me attractive.
Then the holiday was great and everything was wonderful. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I was delayed and phoned him to ask him to feed the cats later and then he suddenly said he was moving out and turned up 10 minutes later. In the 10 minutes I had chucked half of his stuff out anyway.... I was fuming - obviously he had planned with a couple of mates to move his stuff out while I was out and then I'd get home at midnight tonight and find him gone.
What a shit bag thing to do after 5 years (in which we have had some amazing times).
He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with (this was one of the problems - he needed so much help with everything - I am worn out with it all).
I said no and there is to be no contact ever again because this has happened before and we end up getting back together.
I know it is for the best - but I feel absolutely awful. I just don't know how to stay strong and not contact him or reply to any contact from him. Does anyone have any ideas?
Don't know what to do about his post etc? He's so disorganized.

I really really loved him and feel sick.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 18:58

He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with

I hope you realize how insane this is. "Help him" with a swift kick in the arse if he shows up again.

Block him on your phone and on any social media you have in common. I understand that you really loved him, but it wasn't reciprocated. Keep reminding yourself that if you get back with him it's all just going to turn out the same.

Sorry you're going through this.

category12 · 05/11/2018 19:00

Sorry you're feeling sick with it all.

Make a list of things that you need to organise (like financial entanglements) and start working your way through it.

You can either forward his mail (his parents address?) or write return to sender on it all and put back in the post.

heartyrebel · 05/11/2018 19:03

Sounds like he saw you as a maternal figure and you no longer fit his life plan, but he'd still like you to carry on with your role in his life.
Go no contact

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 19:05

Yeah I don't want to "help him". This has been going on all through the relationship. The last few months have been stressful because he has started a new course relating to work and there is a lot of Maths in it. I have a mathematical background so have been helping him with a few things - but he'd sit studying until midnight and keep asking me to show him how to do this that or the other when I was far too tired.

I feel really used

OP posts:
Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 19:09

category12 - fortunately there are not too many financial entanglements and actually the onus would be on him to sort them out.
I'll forward all post to his parents address.
Blocked him already and deleted number from phone.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 19:11

I feel really used

You were really used.

The internet is full of maths tutorials on every conceivable mathematical topic. Kahn Academy is particularly good, but you'll find them on youtube and other places as well.

When my kids needed face to face maths tutoring in secondary school it cost me $80 an hour.

He told you that he wasn't even attracted to you, but didn't let that get in the way of continuing to use you for all sorts of useful things. Here's the good news: you don't have children with him so you can bin him completely and find a man who will appreciate all you have to offer in a relationship.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 19:12

take back control.. and stay strong.. you can get through this Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 05/11/2018 19:16

Send the first lot of post on, with a note on it reminding him to change his addresses. Return everything else to sender as no longer at this address.

You’ve done the right thing. You’re worth more than that. You deserve an equal, adult relationship. He can never give you that

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 19:18

He said I wanted too much attention - but I felt like I got the bare minimum. I know it's for the best but I feel really rotten - especially that he wanted to move his stuff out while I was out tonight.
I had to cancel what I was supposed to be doing tonight because of this.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 05/11/2018 19:23

What's the betting he comes back knocking on your door with his tail between his legs?

MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 19:25

You got the bare minimum because the attention he gave you wasn't motivated by love, it was just enough to keep you on the hook for all of the useful things you did for him.

You were really used. Take it as a learning experience, heal up and move on. It sucks but it happens to all of us.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 19:26

single
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he will turn up again.
I have to stay strong this time for my own sanity.
Also, the last time when we split I had a chance to start a new relationship with a really nice man but because ex kept turning up picking stuff up and asking for help (and also turning up at my church, looking remorseful and crying - so much so that the priest told me I should have mercy on him..........) I didn't take it further with the other man.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 05/11/2018 19:28

Find your anger OP, it will get you through the toughest part til you feel a bit stronger and can protect your boundaries again. You’ve done the right thing, you deserve better than this shit Flowers

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 19:33

This is really helping. Thank you all.
Tomorrow is a new day and I have a lot to do.
I just hope I can stay strong enough - I feel like I have lost some of my personality in this relationship.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 05/11/2018 19:34

Difference between mercy and getting back with someone!!!

Grieve, OP. Be angry, sad, tearful. Seek solace with family, friends, church, whatever.
But, be strong, and do not go back. And don't jump into any new relationships. Focus on you, career, hobbies. etc. Get your energy back.

LellyMcKelly · 05/11/2018 19:41

What a total shitbag.

Go Roland your house with a binbag and clear every trace of him if you haven’t already done so - pants over the radiator, tooth brush, shower gel, manky towel, the peanut butter he bought - EVERYTHING. When he rematerialises have it sitting at the door so he can’t come in, or send it round to him in a taxi. Get your key back or change the locks. Block his number, email, social media etc. Cold turkey is really hard, but it really works. He’s taken you for a mug once. Don’t let him do it again. And DEFINITELY no maths lessons or whatever else you do to ‘help’ him. Get rid of this idiot entitled man child.

MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 19:43

so much so that the priest told me I should have mercy on him..........)

Was this perhaps one of those priests who aren't allowed to marry and have zero experience with romantic relationships?

When you tried to get away he reeled you back in. Shameful behavior on his part but people treat us as we let them.

All you've lost is an emotional parasite. You are still you.

ivykaty44 · 05/11/2018 19:44

You need to go and tell council tax thT he no longer lives there, you’ll need a forwarding address - but then you’ll get 25% of the tax so do this ASAP

Delete his number, block on social media and this will help you avoid contacting on impulse

Sorry this is happening to you, be kind to yourself

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 20:03

I just feel really useless and ugly and unloved.

He owes me 500 quid as well for his half of the holiday which I organized and paid for and he was supposed to pay me back.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 05/11/2018 20:12

You'll probably just have to chalk that up to experience Carrot. He was a CF, and a cocklodger anyway. You're well rid!

MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 20:15

Kiss the 500 goodbye.

It's natural to feel that way after someone has broken up with you. It's a huge mental adjustment to make. But you'll move on without being taken advantage of.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 20:25

Yeah the 500 quid is annoying but I'd rather lose it than start having to chase him up about it.

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 05/11/2018 20:26

Don’t let him use the giving you back the 500 as an excuse to see you again. He can shove it through the door. Xxx

Original poster
carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 20:28

He can pay it by bank transfer as well.
Anger starting to kick in

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 05/11/2018 21:30

Time to fling a carrot or two I think. Smile

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