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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Handhold: DP of 5 years just left

146 replies

carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 18:50

Namechanged for this - need a bit of a handhold. My DP of 5 years has just left this evening and taken all of his stuff.
Bit of background - this has happened before and I took him back (stupidly). The last time he took a bag of stuff and went back to his parents and then kept coming round to pick stuff up and in the end we ended up getting back together because we missed each other so much.
Can't remember what his reasons were the last time but it just can't work between us. I am 10 years older and his family hate me. He has had no end of problems with them though he had problems with them before we were together as well.
It is all a bit complicated but the upshot of it is that we were on holiday last week and a couple of weeks before the holiday he said he was "having doubts". He might want children in the future he said and he also said he didn't find me attractive.
Then the holiday was great and everything was wonderful. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I was delayed and phoned him to ask him to feed the cats later and then he suddenly said he was moving out and turned up 10 minutes later. In the 10 minutes I had chucked half of his stuff out anyway.... I was fuming - obviously he had planned with a couple of mates to move his stuff out while I was out and then I'd get home at midnight tonight and find him gone.
What a shit bag thing to do after 5 years (in which we have had some amazing times).
He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with (this was one of the problems - he needed so much help with everything - I am worn out with it all).
I said no and there is to be no contact ever again because this has happened before and we end up getting back together.
I know it is for the best - but I feel absolutely awful. I just don't know how to stay strong and not contact him or reply to any contact from him. Does anyone have any ideas?
Don't know what to do about his post etc? He's so disorganized.

I really really loved him and feel sick.

OP posts:
katmarie · 05/11/2018 21:40

Your priest wasn't particularly helpful was he? Next time he says that, just tell him that you are being merciful by being firm and very clear with your ex that it is over. The merciful thing to do is to leave no room for doubt in his mind, that he would ever be getting you back this time.

Use your anger. Make lists of the shitty things he did. Pin them somewhere and look at them when you start to wobble. Make a list of the person you want to be, and plan how you're going to get there. Give yourself things to focus on, and time to care for yourself. It will get better x

Rachelover40 · 05/11/2018 22:02

Carrotfinger, you are worth much more than that man. He sounds dreadful! A sort of grown up child. He was lucky to have you for five years. I won't ask why his family dislike you but I know if my son treated a girlfriend the way you've been treated, I'd dislike him!

Be strong! You will get over it and will probably meet someone much nicer in due course. Then you can look back and remember the good times from a distance.

All the very best. Flowers

Thebluedog · 05/11/2018 22:06

If course you feel rubbish OP, even the end of an awful relationship is upsetting and even if you know it’s the right thing to do..

Flowers
change2019 · 05/11/2018 22:20

Keep away from that toxic relationship. Start to care about yourself, start treating yourself with respect, start loving yourself. You gave all this to him and now you have none for yourself. From now on life is all about you right now, take it all back.

carrotflinger · 06/11/2018 12:11

So this morning I woke up feeling very positive and then I received a load of pictures via SMS of us two on holiday. Feel terrible.
I haven't replied though.
He wants to keep me hanging on in case he decides that he misses me and wants to start again.

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 06/11/2018 12:18

It's almost like he gets satisfaction from leaving you and watching you crumble! Throwing some salt everytime you are getting your life back in order.

He's a piss taker block and delete him

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/11/2018 12:26

I thought you'd blocked him? Block him on EVERYTHING.

He wants to keep me hanging on in case he decides that he misses me and wants to start again.

This is exactly what his game is. Don't pander to it.

Get through the next few days (yes it hurts, you're human) and move on with your life.

Phone some friends, go and stay somewhere else for the weekend for a change of scene. You can do this. Flowers

carrotflinger · 06/11/2018 12:36

He sent them by SMS - can I block his number as well on my smartphone? I've blocked social media.

Can't go away at the moment as two new kittens moved in on Sunday. But at least they are a distraction.

OP posts:
SevenStones · 06/11/2018 12:56

What a cunt.

He waited till he thought you were going to be out and was going to have a pal come round and help him clear his stuff then leave you to come back to find him gone?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You need to keep this in mind every time you feel vulnerable and wondering if you should take him back.

Yes you can block on a phone. On mine, you go to the message the person has sent and in the top right hand corner there are three dots in a vertical line. Press on them and a menu comes up, and one of the options is "block number".

Do not take this scummy excuse for a human being back.

You say you feel your personality has gone. Make sure you get it back - without him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/11/2018 12:57

Aw love the sound of the new kittens! Yes, play with them a lot.

He's a shitbag and a coward - trying do a runner when he thought you'd be out. You deserve much better.

VictoriaBun · 06/11/2018 13:02

Oh and if he turns up at church again and your priest tells you to have mercy on him again .......... pass him into the priest ! 😉

VictoriaBun · 06/11/2018 13:02

onto*

carrotflinger · 06/11/2018 13:42

Right he is blocked on the phone now. Thank you.
I hope he doesn't turn up at church again but if he does it is not my problem. The last time he turned up one week when I wasn't there and people said he looked so "crushed" when he realized I wasn't there. That is when the priest said I should "have mercy on him".
Well ok....and we should forgive too... but the other person also has to make changes too or the whole thing is pointless. I can't just randomly forgive him and have mercy on him forever more.
I have to see it through this time.
The kittens are great therapy.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 06/11/2018 14:44

Have a word with the priest and let him know that if your ex shows up it's to stalk you.

I wound up going to 8:00 services to avoid my ex because he could never be arsed to get out of bed that early on a Sunday. He kept looking for me at 10:00 services and finally asked the priest how long I had been missing church. The priest, who I was quite close to as I was the church treasurer and served on the vestry, told him that "Miss C never misses church and she doesn't miss you either!".

God bless him. Grin

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 15:23

Can you go to mass at a different time?

You must stop being used by him... Don't take him back. Don't listen to the priest. It's your life.

This guy has insulted you and he needs to stay gone.

When we let people use us.... they so exactly that.

You need a better match than him.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/11/2018 15:50

You are so much better off without this shithead in your life.

mbosnz · 06/11/2018 16:07

What a cowardly self absorbed, entitled little loser he sounds.

Thank goodness he's well and truly shown his true colours before you got too involved.

You sound so strong, and so together in where you are in your life, who you are, what you do - you deserve so much more than THAT. And I'm darned sure you'll ultimately get it too - now you've shifted all that excess and very unhealthy weight! (Approximately how much do you think that waste of space weighed, do you think? That's one hell of a diet. . . a really good detox. . . ) Smile

carrotflinger · 06/11/2018 21:58

I got through today. Day 1.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 06/11/2018 21:59

Yay well done carrot Flowers

Glaciferous · 06/11/2018 22:13

He sounds awful. Congratulations on Day 1. May there be many more days ahead, all free of this ridiculous manchild.

thereallochnessmonster · 06/11/2018 22:18

Lordy, don’t take your priest’s advice!

Good for you. Stay strong.

What a cowardly ratbag, and hurtful too. He’s no loss! Op, you can do this.

DowntonCrabby · 06/11/2018 22:20

Well done carrot. Stay strong Flowers

Rachelover40 · 06/11/2018 23:43

Good on you carrot! You don't need him.

MissConductUS · 07/11/2018 00:06

Hang in there Carrot, we're with you!

squeakybird · 07/11/2018 01:54

Manchild alert