Handhold: DP of 5 years just left

[carrotflinger]

Namechanged for this - need a bit of a handhold. My DP of 5 years has just left this evening and taken all of his stuff.
Bit of background - this has happened before and I took him back (stupidly). The last time he took a bag of stuff and went back to his parents and then kept coming round to pick stuff up and in the end we ended up getting back together because we missed each other so much.
Can't remember what his reasons were the last time but it just can't work between us. I am 10 years older and his family hate me. He has had no end of problems with them though he had problems with them before we were together as well.
It is all a bit complicated but the upshot of it is that we were on holiday last week and a couple of weeks before the holiday he said he was "having doubts". He might want children in the future he said and he also said he didn't find me attractive.
Then the holiday was great and everything was wonderful. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I was delayed and phoned him to ask him to feed the cats later and then he suddenly said he was moving out and turned up 10 minutes later. In the 10 minutes I had chucked half of his stuff out anyway.... I was fuming - obviously he had planned with a couple of mates to move his stuff out while I was out and then I'd get home at midnight tonight and find him gone.
What a shit bag thing to do after 5 years (in which we have had some amazing times).
He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with (this was one of the problems - he needed so much help with everything - I am worn out with it all).
I said no and there is to be no contact ever again because this has happened before and we end up getting back together.
I know it is for the best - but I feel absolutely awful. I just don't know how to stay strong and not contact him or reply to any contact from him. Does anyone have any ideas?
Don't know what to do about his post etc? He's so disorganized.

I really really loved him and feel sick.

There probably isn’t another woman OP, that’s what I meant about manipulation. It just sounds like a desperate attempt to make you jealous to me.

As for the man you turned down before it’s a lesson learnt, you let your ex fuck things up for you then, don’t allow him the power to fuck anything up for you ever again. Your ‘don’t contact me again’ tack is exactly what you need to do, avoid contact at all costs so he can’t keep planting seeds like the ‘other woman’ in your mind for you to stew over. Don’t give him headspace, he doesn’t deserve a second more of your time

You think the other woman is made up?
I am certainly stewing over it now - was she on the scene before etc.
But the main feeling I have is complete and utter exhaustion.

Sounds like this bloke thrives on a drama. stay strong and don't ever let him back in your life. Like they say to gamblers " Don't chase a loss".

The only thing you to need to think about the possible other woman is "where can I get an STI check"? To make sure you have caught anything.

That's it.
No more agonising over this selfish CF cocklodger.

Congrats on your new freedom 

I obviously can’t be sure OP but I wouldn’t be surprised from what you’ve said about him. I just think mentioning another woman might seem to him like a good way of sucking you back in, he’s trying to make sure he’s still on your mind so it’s more difficult for you to move on.

She is made up to make you jealous.
You were supposed to beg and chase him.
Not say OK...

To be honest, now I am so exhausted I couldn't care less if there are 100 other women. I am totally burned out.
I have had some amazing times with him - we have done all kinds of things that I've never done before (travel/adventure type things) but it was me that planned and organized everything.
I'll miss those times but I can continue to have adventures on my own.
But the day to day life with him was bone-achingly wearisome.
So if some other woman has popped up then good luck to her and him.

He’s just trying to hook you back in... driving past your road is a hook, ordering amazon to be delivered to your address is a hook, and when that didn’t create a reaction, another attempt is the supposedly ow. I very much doubt there is one. But try not to think I about it, it’s all over and you’re so much better off.

Massive wobble... please keep me sane.
I really miss him and all the wonderful times with him.
On the other hand I know he hasn't treated me well and pulled a shit bag stunt trying to move out while I was out.
It's just really quiet in the house - I have been going out as much as possible and am going out later this evening but it is really weird to come home and to have no one there to talk to.
I feel so empty - there is nothing left of my soul.

I felt like that last year. My friend set me a challenge. List 40 things I want to do before I'm 40, wacky, crazy, daft, small, huge. Doesn't matter just list them (you could do 30 by 30 or 50 by 50!).
I had fun writing them out (only got 27 mind so far) and do you know what I've done lots of daft things. Some alone, some with friends but it really gave me a focus.
So one was visit an observatory, one near me has an open evening every month. I went alone and utterly loved it. Another is learn to bake, everyone at work is loving my lemon loaf cake and chocolate cupcakes.
Some are bigger and take more planning but it's been a great distraction.

You miss the company, but not him. He made you exhausted. You had to pander to his needs, and didn't get yours met.
Hugs because it's a lonely time of year, but you can and will get through this. If you take him back you are showing him you will accept any level of treatment he wants to dish out. You are so much better than that.

Hold on a second......why is he turning up all sad puppy eyes? He's the one that left you?

All this chancer is doing is dangling you there until he finds someone to take your place. Unless you want this to play out over and over again for probably the next 10 years, (until he accidentally falls for someone else and has a child with them), you need to IGNORE HIM!

How you’re feeling is temporary, it’s shit but it won’t last. Now compare that to, potentially, a lifetime with this man, leeching off you and continuing to suck your soul dry, forever. You feel like this because he’s drained you, it will take a little time to recover but you will and you have the chance to build your life into something that makes you happy. Don’t throw that away because you feel temporarily lonely, no man is better than the wrong man

You miss the company, but not him. He made you exhausted. You had to pander to his needs, and didn't get yours met.

This is so true. He tried to make out when he did off that I demanded too much attention. Er... I don't think so... I just wanted to spend some time with him (which was difficult as he had so much work and "hobbies" and helping other people with electrical work around their houses was more important)

I am not going to throwaway a chance for a new life - it is just so hard and weird at the moment. I took him back once before and threw away a chance of a new start. I am just going to have to grit my teeth and get through it.

Does he have a key or have you changed the locks ?

No he doesn't have a key. I took it off him.
I am getting the front door replaced in a couple of weeks anyway.

He's trying to emotionally manipulate you OP, plus he's not respecting your requests to leave you alone. He's starting to stalk you, he's making up shit about "another woman calling to ask him out on a date" just to try and play some sort of twattish immature mind game with you. I bet he had the amazon parcels delivered too just for an excuse to go back over to your house. What a fucking sad excuse for a manchild.

Not seen him for two days - hopefully he really does realize that no contact means no contact.
I am angry with myself for letting this go on for 5 years. I should have dumped him after a few months when his family started making my life hell.
I think he has been throwing me crumbs of affection all along (and he has been enjoying some amazing holidays/life experiences) just to keep me on side because he needs emotional support (he has problems as long as your arm).

Got something lined up for every evening this week - evenings are the worst.

if I hear a rumour about him and another woman it isn't true!!!

WTF? He's covering those track well, isn't he!?

Don't wobble, @carrotflinger you've already done the worst bit.

Glad you are keeping busy.

@GreenFingers
He's done this once before and there was no woman but he tried the same line "if you hear a rumour...:" etc.
He then diddled about for a couple of months (presumably looking around to see if there were any women out there better than me) and then came back and begged me to take him back (love-bombed I would say).
Idiot that I was then, I took him back and now we have the same situation again.
So no I am not wobbling any more. Going out again tonight. New group starts on Thursday so looking forward to that - I know a lot of the people from previous years and they are great.

I am better than that shit bag.

Good for you @carrotflinger
Have a great night tonight x

You are clearly better off without him. he tells you that you're not attractive. He attempts to move out on the sly. He wants to break your heart but still use you as an intellectual backstop..... Honestly, this is not a person you need in your life in any way. Stay strong.

You are worth so much more than him......

@carrotflinger

I am better than that shit bag

You damn well are. Have fun tonight.

I felt like cheering reading your last update OP, bloody good for you