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Original poster

Handhold: DP of 5 years just left

146 replies

carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 18:50

Namechanged for this - need a bit of a handhold. My DP of 5 years has just left this evening and taken all of his stuff.
Bit of background - this has happened before and I took him back (stupidly). The last time he took a bag of stuff and went back to his parents and then kept coming round to pick stuff up and in the end we ended up getting back together because we missed each other so much.
Can't remember what his reasons were the last time but it just can't work between us. I am 10 years older and his family hate me. He has had no end of problems with them though he had problems with them before we were together as well.
It is all a bit complicated but the upshot of it is that we were on holiday last week and a couple of weeks before the holiday he said he was "having doubts". He might want children in the future he said and he also said he didn't find me attractive.
Then the holiday was great and everything was wonderful. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I was delayed and phoned him to ask him to feed the cats later and then he suddenly said he was moving out and turned up 10 minutes later. In the 10 minutes I had chucked half of his stuff out anyway.... I was fuming - obviously he had planned with a couple of mates to move his stuff out while I was out and then I'd get home at midnight tonight and find him gone.
What a shit bag thing to do after 5 years (in which we have had some amazing times).
He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with (this was one of the problems - he needed so much help with everything - I am worn out with it all).
I said no and there is to be no contact ever again because this has happened before and we end up getting back together.
I know it is for the best - but I feel absolutely awful. I just don't know how to stay strong and not contact him or reply to any contact from him. Does anyone have any ideas?
Don't know what to do about his post etc? He's so disorganized.

I really really loved him and feel sick.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 02:52

especially that he wanted to move his stuff out while I was out tonight.

He's a coward. And a user - also he's needy , with a challenging family

You are well rid and I just know you'll see this when the initial shock wears off a bit

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 02:56

That is when the priest said I should "have mercy on him

If the Priest - or anyone - says this again - tell them that you're using all your Mercy on yourself this time around and that you've none left for Manchild and his selfishness

Original poster
carrotflinger · 07/11/2018 08:45

Thanks all.
I can see that his problems stem from not having a stable family background. He doesn't know who he is really and he doesn't know if his father is his real father. He believes another man is his father and this man died 2 years ago (on the toilet from a brain haemorrage after drinking for 48 hours solidly). He seems to be grieving for this man as he keeps going to the graveyard and looking at his grave.
I thought he was starting to get a bit more sorted as he had started his new training course and was finding direction in life but he has gone off it again.
He needs to sort out his issues by himself - everything has been so focussed on him over the last 5 years (though he claimed that I have to be the centre of everything all the time - not true).
I am flipping knackered.
It's Day 2 and I have quite a lot of work to do so hopefully the distraction will help.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 12:05

Well done 👍

He's an adult and I'm sure he can get the help he needs all by himself

Original poster
carrotflinger · 08/11/2018 18:06

Aaaahhhh.... wobbling.
He drove past the end of my street today just as I was turning out. He then waved and beeped his horn.
Feel ill seeing his car - we had so much fun in it (ie. travelling all over the place).
There was no reason for him to drive where he was - it is not on any route he would need to take unless he had done it deliberately. :-(

Today I feel totally lost. Met up with a friend for a long chat and she agrees with me that my personality has changed and that my wants and needs have got lost in this relationship. Don't really know where to start but I thought about a wardrobe overhaul as I have a lot of old clothes that are no longer in good condition.
Maybe chuck a load out and then see what is left and buy some new pieces?

Does anyone have any other ideas how to help me start my new life without this arsehole?

OP posts:
SevenStones · 08/11/2018 18:20

The reason he drove past your road is because you've blocked him on everything else and he's showing you he can still "contact" you whether you like it or not.

Keep in touch with your friend. Is she someone you can contact when you're having a wobble, who can remind you of how much you lost your self in this unhealthy relationship?

Be ready for him to appear in other areas of your life, and stay strong!

Flowers
Original poster
carrotflinger · 08/11/2018 18:47

Yes, she is a really good friend. We arranged to meet up next week. She has no end of bother with her husband as well... whole other story!

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 08/11/2018 18:58

Stay strong, arrange something nice to do at the weekend with friends or family. Keep making sure you've something to look forward to each week. Get rid of the bedding and get some nice new sheets and stuff so you know there's no trace of him in your room too.

He is a cocklodger and you are one day stronger and further away from his uselessness.

I've been there (same age gap and similar shock) it gets better and kittens sound like a wonderful distraction.

Hidingtonothing · 08/11/2018 19:02

New clothes are a good idea, maybe a new haircut to go with them? Sounds silly but I do think it helps to change things so you have something tangible to show (yourself as much as anyone) you're moving on. Rearranging your furniture and buying new bedding are good ones too, get rid of any association with him in your home.

Wobbles are normal and understandable, you just need to work out how best to get through them without doing anything that takes you backwards. You're doing it though and every weak moment you get through is a sign you're getting stronger, keep going you're doing fine Star

confusedmomm · 08/11/2018 19:47

Carrot what a week you've had so far! Here's the thing. It can only get better. New haircut, wardrobe overhaul and even some new bits of furniture to kick off the new chapter will make a hell of a difference.
He will def try contact you again and keep in touch but it's not good for you. Close the curtain on it like you have, and make the next one about what YOU want & need.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 09:12

Have a massive clearout - wardrobe/kitchen cupboards whatever. It's really cathartic! And you can take loads to the charity shop (good karma points for that) then have fun shopping.

Him driving past you is a total dick move, and agree with above poster, it's the only way he can contact you.

Ignore, make nice plans with your friend and move onwards and upwards. Flowers

Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 10:52

So I've just been down to the cellar and there is quite a bit of his stuff left there. Should I chuck it out?
I am going to the tip this afternoon with some other stuff that is no use to anyone anymore.

Also some amazon packages have arrived addressed to him. They arrived while I was out and were left in front of the door.
Don't know what to do about them either.

OP posts:
bibbidybobbidyboo · 09/11/2018 11:15

Hi OP, I am also deep in the post breakup swamp at the moment (6 years together, we'd always talked about the future, he ended it and it was a total shock) and I have been reading a book which I have found really helpful. "It's Called a BreakUp Because It's Broken", written by the same people who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You". It basically explains that no matter why it happened or whether you agree with it, the fact that it has shows that something wasn't right or there's some issue that wasn't making it work (even if that issue is just that he's in a bad place personally). It says that as soon as one person decides a relationship isn't worth it or doesn't want to fight for it then you can't be in that relationship anymore.

It's written in a funny and supportive style and I've found it so so helpful to make sense of things, I really recommend it.

Flowers to us both

Butterymuffin · 09/11/2018 11:23

Cellar stuff - take to the tip

Amazon stuff - either write his parents' address on and put back in the post, or (not everyone will go for this but I think it's justified) keep them / sell them on to offset some of the £500 he owes you.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 12:03

I'm off to the tip right now.
The 500 quid has appeared in my bank account today - he has sent it by bank transfer!

OP posts:
SevenStones · 09/11/2018 12:25

He's pulling out all the stops isn't he!

Driving past your road, ordering stuff from Amazon, giving you back the £500!

Don't contact him OP! If it were me, I'd return the stuff to Amazon with NOT AT THIS ADDRESS on it, otherwise you are just going to be engaging by sending them to his parents - he will continue to order things and you will continue to have to send them on.

The cellar stuff I'd take to the church and give to the priest. He can pass it on. He may as well do something useful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 12:31

@SevenStones

The cellar stuff I'd take to the church and give to the priest. He can pass it on. He may as well do something useful.

That is INSPIRED. Grin

Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 13:08

Cellar stuff is gone and I don't feel bad about it. I warned him on Monday when he pulled his moving out stunt that anything left behind would be binned on Tuesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 13:09

@bibbidy have order the book.
Hugs to you

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 09/11/2018 17:20

Re the amazon packages, I would ring their customer service and tell them that they were delivered to your address without your permission and that you are refusing delivery. I'm sure they have a procedure in place for that contingency.

Stay strong, he is just trying to reel you back in. He has not changed.

bibbidybobbidyboo · 09/11/2018 18:04

@carrotflinger oh great, I hope it helps!! Hugs back

Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 19:00

Waaaa.. he turned up at the door this afternoon.
He should have been at work so I thought it was safe to answer.
He wanted to give me a usb stick with photos from the holiday on.
Gave him the amazon parcel and said I do not want to see him again and that he has to leave me alone now.
He says I am a wonderful person and he misses me and if I hear a rumour about him and another woman it isn't true!!!
He claims this woman phoned him to ask for a date this week and he turned her down.
I told him again to leave it now and I don't want any more contact.

If he turns up at the door again we are bordering on stalker territory.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 09/11/2018 19:12

Oh dear, his attempts at manipulation really are laughably transparent aren’t they? How has it left you feeling OP?

Original poster
carrotflinger · 09/11/2018 19:19

I feel shit to be honest.
But the thing is he has done this before, regretted it and I took him back. And in the time when he was messing around the last time I turned down a relationship with a really nice man and I regret it.
So as I have taken him back before, he probably thinks he can keep me hanging on in case it doesn't work out with this other woman (no idea what that is all about) and I'll be there.
He was all big blue eyes and drippy tears this afternoon.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 09/11/2018 19:20

Stay strong.
You need to see this man for the leetch he is of your energy.
Place your bag and keys by the door. Anytime he knocks, say oh sorry meeting someone, what do you want, answer him and just walk to the car and drive off...
Even if you just go to the supermarket.
He will soon see you have no time for him.
If he says he misses you, tell him that personally you are loving all the extra free time you now have...