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Original poster

Handhold: DP of 5 years just left

146 replies

carrotflinger · 05/11/2018 18:50

Namechanged for this - need a bit of a handhold. My DP of 5 years has just left this evening and taken all of his stuff.
Bit of background - this has happened before and I took him back (stupidly). The last time he took a bag of stuff and went back to his parents and then kept coming round to pick stuff up and in the end we ended up getting back together because we missed each other so much.
Can't remember what his reasons were the last time but it just can't work between us. I am 10 years older and his family hate me. He has had no end of problems with them though he had problems with them before we were together as well.
It is all a bit complicated but the upshot of it is that we were on holiday last week and a couple of weeks before the holiday he said he was "having doubts". He might want children in the future he said and he also said he didn't find me attractive.
Then the holiday was great and everything was wonderful. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I was delayed and phoned him to ask him to feed the cats later and then he suddenly said he was moving out and turned up 10 minutes later. In the 10 minutes I had chucked half of his stuff out anyway.... I was fuming - obviously he had planned with a couple of mates to move his stuff out while I was out and then I'd get home at midnight tonight and find him gone.
What a shit bag thing to do after 5 years (in which we have had some amazing times).
He then said he wants to stay friends and listed a few things I should continue to help him with (this was one of the problems - he needed so much help with everything - I am worn out with it all).
I said no and there is to be no contact ever again because this has happened before and we end up getting back together.
I know it is for the best - but I feel absolutely awful. I just don't know how to stay strong and not contact him or reply to any contact from him. Does anyone have any ideas?
Don't know what to do about his post etc? He's so disorganized.

I really really loved him and feel sick.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 12/11/2018 17:56

Very proud of you 🌟🌟🌟💕

Original poster
carrotflinger · 12/11/2018 17:57

So I've just done something bonkers and if anyone on here knows me in real life I will have outed myself ..... whatever....
I've set up a couple of polls on facebook with dream trips I've always wanted to do and whatever my friends vote for i will do solo in the summer....will give me something to plan!

OP posts:
labazs · 12/11/2018 18:04

Saying he doesnt find you attractive would be enough for me to chuck him out so rude and unfeeling hes a user kick him into touch you can do much better

ciderhouserules · 12/11/2018 18:21

what sort of thing, Carrot? I love a good dream trip Poll!

Ratbagcatbag · 12/11/2018 22:08

That sounds so much fun. Go you.
And on those evenings where it's a bit meh you can be planning your trip.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 12/11/2018 23:49

Long distance train trips.

Night out was great tonight. Starting to feel a bit more normal.

OP posts:
twominfromthebeach · 13/11/2018 00:58

You're an inspiration, @carrot! Well done you. One day at a time and before too long you'll be off on your travels. Also, as pp have said, remove any ornaments, pictures, anything that reminds you of him. Good luck :)

Original poster
carrotflinger · 28/11/2018 20:32

Just thought I'd update this - it is now 23 days since he did his flit.
He started sending me SMS messages from another phone number after he heard that my cat is very ill. ie. the cat he lived with for 5 years. Stupidly I replied saying what the situation was and then he said "cuddle him from me. It's so terrible. I miss him so much".
Then there followed several texts about how sorry he is for everything and how terrible everything is and he is a mess. ie. he turned he cat situation into a drama all about him and his feelings. Selfish shitbag.
I sent him a text telling him his behaviour was appalling and that his attempt to do a flit was disgusting and nobody should treat a partner of 5 years like that, even if they do not want to continue in the relationship. I said I don't know who he is anymore and what sort of human being he is and that I am moving on. I said I would be blocking the new number.
Then I blocked it.
Cat is still alive - just, but I am coming to the point where I will have to make a difficult decision about him.

So after blocking the fuckwit I decided to start my own rumour in the village that I have a new man in another town 30 km away. It is sort of true - I have my eyes on someone - we first met 9 months ago and he was very disappointed that I was in a relationship.
Nothing is happening at the moment but the rumour mill has started up.

The rumour in the village is that the ex is drinking all the time. No real change there then.

For anyone else going through this get the book "It's called a break-up because it's broken" which Bibbidybobbidy recommended upthread. I enjoyed it and there are activities you can do - writing in a notebook etc.
At first I thought I would need months to get over this - 23 days in and I am almost at the point of not giving a shit about fuckface. Sometimes I feel a bit sick thinking about great times we had together but these feelings are not popping up very often now.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 28/11/2018 20:51

Just rtft and I am nodding my head in approval OP. Not that you need it but you sound sorted now!!! Yaaaaaaaaaas!! I'm so happy you've got your freedom back, being chained to that fuckwit.

We're all guilty of it. I had an ex who took me for a real ride. Fortunately I was wasn't with him that long so not too much damage was done. But I found it astounding how much lying he'd done, how much I'd believed and how much I realised after I broke up with him.

Stay strong OP!! You can do it!!!

Orange6904 · 28/11/2018 20:55

Well done carrotflinger Wine Cake

Borelis · 28/11/2018 21:29

Good for you :) your update sounds like you're on the right track.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 02/12/2018 15:17

So another update - last night at 11.30 pm the phone rang. It was a mate of my ex. Didn't pick up - what would he want at 11.30 pm - ie the ex's mate.
2 minutes later a text arrives - lo and behold it was actually my ex - total garbled message - he's obviously drunk.
He wanted to know if I was at home because it turns out (he says) that our spare car keys got swapped and he has mine and I have his.
I didn't reply - I am not breaking my 30 day he-tox (no contact of any description). However, I then looked all over the house for my spare car key and it isn't there any more (nor is his - so clearly he has both).

What should I do now? He obviously has my spare car key and could therefore get into/take my car any time he likes. But last night's attempted phone call and text message were a blatant "booty call" - the key is just an excuse. He's obviously been hanging on to it for just such a moment.
We are nearly 4 weeks into the split now and judging by past performance this is exactly the time he starts really regretting his behaviour (because the whatsapp woman and any other "potentials" have come to nothing. This is therefore a very dangerous time.
Any advice? I want my key back but without having to contact him in any way or have to see the moron.

OP posts:
Tinkie25 · 02/12/2018 15:29

Just ask him to post it through the letter box.

Stay strong!

Orange6904 · 02/12/2018 15:41

Ugh good on you for not replying. He's embarrassing himself. Could you get the friend to drop it off?

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2018 15:46

I'd get a friend to ask him for the key at the most. Otherwise I'd just let him keep it. Not worth contacting him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/12/2018 16:59

Have you got a friend (maybe a mutual friend you both have on Facebook) that could message him and ask him to either post your spare key or leave it with someone? That way you don’t have to talk to him. As you said, now is the danger time when his shiny new life, isn’t looking so shiny anymore and he’s starting to realise what a prize prick he’s been and what he’s chucked away

Original poster
carrotflinger · 02/12/2018 17:37

Mmmm... the mutual friends we do have don't live around here. We made them through a hobby and he has now (thank God) left the group. The friends around here are very much his friends and I wouldn't trust them.

"Prize prick" is a great description of him - that is what he is.

OP posts:
snowflakealert · 02/12/2018 18:29

He's not on your car insurance any more is he? If so, call the insurers and get it cancelled asap.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 02/12/2018 19:13

I'm in another country where names are not on the insurance. Basically anyone can drive the car if I give permission.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 19:33

He can put it in the post.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 02/12/2018 19:53

Yeah that's what he can do - or in the letter box... but he won't because he'll hang on to it in order to use it to start off contact again at an opportune moment for him.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 02/12/2018 20:09

Just take it off him and then he won't have any more reasons after that to keep bothering you.

WoodpeckersAreWood · 02/12/2018 20:14

Can you get a crook lock thing to stop him using the car?

PlinkPlink · 02/12/2018 21:08

Get another spare one cut.

Curt and short reply back: "Okay, post it through the letterbox. Thank you."

No fuss. Just simple and to the point
And whatever you do, don't answer the door (guaranteed he'll do that).

Original poster
carrotflinger · 03/12/2018 13:31

I've texted him. Please put it in the letter box. Thank you.

There will be no further communication and if he does not return it I won't sweat it too much. I'll get another key made (pain as it costs a bit) and hope that he doesn't steal my car.

OP posts: