Is he selfish? Lazy? Or neither..

[ChasingGhosts]

Help me shed some light on this situation please..

Ltr, because it's distance atm until I move back closer it's been a pretty slow burn we see each other once twice a week and has been mostly going well.

Sometimes we do have slight miscommunication issues maybe not helped by distance, and sometimes we have issues in the bedroom. This is what happened tonight and it's left me feeling 

Went to his, had a cuddle all good then he wanted to go upstairs. Bit of foreplay etc, then (this happens a lot) he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

Then we both lay in bed again but he just won't engage in sex. Just lays there. So after five minutes I get dressed and go downstairs, it's late so I have to go.

Now he's in a huff with me saying I'm in a mood and all this, but from my side I'm a bit fed up. It feels like he can be selfish and or lazy in this area. What was I supposed to do?

I'm torn between if I should feel annoyed with him or if I was being unfair.

I said after because he was texting me sad faces, 'you didn't want sex so what was I supposed to do'

When he acts like that it makes me feel unwanted 

He’s totally totally selfish!! And a bully. How bloody dare he behave like that. Grabbing your hair and trying to push you!! That’s just awful. I know some people love giving BJs but sex is supposed to be for you both to enjoy each other. He won’t have sex with you but happy to make sure he’s had his fun. What a prick

Just no!! This is so wrong. Why would you tolerate this?

Um! I love him? We love each other? We can have good sex sometimes but then other times it's like this. I'd rather it was just straight forward and simple.., 10/20 minutes fine

But he can spend so much time laying there and faffing about it can get to like an hour before he'll get on with it!

I never know what to do..

Ugh that sounds horrible. Did he intend you to get anything out of it at all?

He clearly doesn’t love you, for goodness sake have some self respect and leave. Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this?

He's complaining right now that I'm being moody, I just told him that I think he was being unfair and that I don't like him being rough and hurting me.

He's saying it was a game.

What is specifically so bad?

Honest question

Other aspects are fine, we talk every day and he cares about me.

My last relationship was a long term abusive one so I don't always know what's normal.

He said sorry for hurting me he didn't mean to

Sounds a bit rapey tbh. I wouldn't keep a guy like that in my life

He's trying (by physically pushing you) to get you to perform a sexual act, against your will. That's very clearly abusive.

Well I've told him straight

What’s specifically so bad?

He’s hurting you and being rough
He’s carried on when you’ve said no
He’s objectifying you
He’s showing you no thought or consideration
He’s using you to meet his own needs
He doesn’t care about your needs
He doesn’t respect you or want to make you happy

It sounds abusive to me. Or at the very least so inconsiderate and lacking in thought, feeling and understanding that I’d not be seeing him again.

Is it? I don't think he's abusive he just likes that kind of sex? I don't mind it I've just said to him don't hurt me

I've said to him clearly to make sure he's gentle if he's going to do that

Well., I don't know I think he's the best boyfriend I've had.

He didn't get to do that because I got up and left before he could finish and I said no and he stopped and now I've made it clear he should be careful.

How old are you? It is very worrying that you can’t see what is totally wrong with his behaviour.

I'm nearly 26

To put into contest the previous time I saw him I stayed the night and we had a great time, both enjoyed sex and had no issues.

In general in the relationship he can be a bit lazy so and I think maybe this crosses into sexually as well

*context

he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

What? NO. NONE of this is ok. It is not okay to push someone's head down roughly to get them to perform a sex act they don't truly want to do, force them to kneel on the floor if you don't want to, grab your hair when you're saying NO.

That is fucking rapey abusive bullshit. And then he blames you for being 'moody' after he does this?

This is abusive. Where did you learn about relationships?

It doesn't matter what the rest of the relationship is like. GET RID of him because what he is doing is a crime. GET RID and get some serious help spotting abuse before you date again.

He's not lazy, he's a rapey bastard.

His very limited sexual repertoire wouldn’t make him a viable long-term prospect for me. Even if he wasn’t being rapey.

Tell him how boring it is. As you break up with him.

Nope that's not love. He didn't mean to hurt you? Then why did he? Just no.

OP .. that's not sex.. he just wants selfish all about him... Blow Jobs all the time... he doesn't love you .. he's a using bullying prick.. any man grabbing your hair forcing you down there... is not nice.. period

I was happy to give him oral the first time, he just likes to push my head down I already knew that I just want him to be gentle.

It was the second time I was saying no because I knew he was just going to finish.