Is he selfish? Lazy? Or neither..

[ChasingGhosts]

Help me shed some light on this situation please..

Ltr, because it's distance atm until I move back closer it's been a pretty slow burn we see each other once twice a week and has been mostly going well.

Sometimes we do have slight miscommunication issues maybe not helped by distance, and sometimes we have issues in the bedroom. This is what happened tonight and it's left me feeling 

Went to his, had a cuddle all good then he wanted to go upstairs. Bit of foreplay etc, then (this happens a lot) he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

Then we both lay in bed again but he just won't engage in sex. Just lays there. So after five minutes I get dressed and go downstairs, it's late so I have to go.

Now he's in a huff with me saying I'm in a mood and all this, but from my side I'm a bit fed up. It feels like he can be selfish and or lazy in this area. What was I supposed to do?

I'm torn between if I should feel annoyed with him or if I was being unfair.

You sound much younger than 26. You should make up your own mind what is acceptable to you and stick to it. Dont do anything you dont want to do. You dont have to please men you know
I really think hes using you and he sounds vile.

*Ok
Moody
Poke

Three separate messages *

Yep. This is because he is an abuser. They never see what they do as abuse and blame the other party for their behaviour.

I'd honestly ghost him. But again, if you want to send him one last message then use that one I typed out or any other suggestions and then block.

He's a cunt for calling you moody.

Oh, and if you don't enjoy being strangled or anal, then you stop allowing it. It's your body, they are not entitled to it and they're bullshitting if they say 'Everyone enjoys this.'

I was consenting to doing it just not being rough with me though and yes he is selfish sexually

A broken arm is still a broken arm, whether it's a simple or multiple compound fracture.

Whether it's drizzling or coming down in stair rods, it's still raining.

While his behaviour is mild compared with your ex, this guy is still abusive.

Not really no and I don't enjoy anal either

OP with the greatest of respect... you're still in an abusive relationship my lovely.. you're not enjoying any aspect of His fantasies and this is not stopping him from achieving his aim... this is not a safe relationship for you .. I'd be suggesting you pull away from this man as soon as you can.. and focus on you and what you enjoy in life in a man and in bed...

Putting your hands round someone's neck (ie pretending to throttle them) during sex is NOT normal, no.

 how, how can I have the fortune of this again.

I really think I might just give up on relationships permanently I can't get them right

Well, there you go. You said no rough. He violated that consent. He's selfish sexually because he's a heavy porn user. People like this stop seeing their partners as people, but glorified wank socks there for their pleasure, the woman is supposed to get off on whatever shit treatment they can and these men rarely give very much to their partner sexually. It's very boring and a waste of time with such partners. Best to tell them to get back to their sorry porn on their phone and wank.

I messaged him saying

I want to be clear on some things. I don't want my throat held or head pushed down again and I don't want anal again is that an issue for you? (Because I wanted to see what he said)

He replied

Err no
Someone is in a really bad mood

I said no I just want to be treated with respect

Dear god. You're still not seeing it. He's still trying to neg you by going on about your 'bad mood' instead of discussing this with you like a fucking mature adult. He is NOT treating you with respect nad you're still carrying on. He's abusive. He didn't 'hold your throat', he throttled you.

After this he said sorry he never wants to hurt me

He's an abuser ... I agree with everyone on here.. no matter how he dresses it up... the crap about Your mood.. he's is abusing you Lady

Yeah, well, of course. That's what they do. 'Sorry, won't do it again'. Until the next time. That's why it's called a cycle of abuse. It's very, very worrying that you are unable to see this and are still trying to cling onto a person who really has no regard for your sexual pleasure, let's make a list: insists on porny photos or no sex for you!, throttles you without having discussed it, anal whether you enjoy it or not, forces oral on you and when you say don't be rough, he is, without your consent; when you pull him up on this the first response he has is that you're moody/in a bad mood, not total mortification. Only after you insist does he says he's sorry. This is pretty textbook classic abuse.

You’re flogging a dead horse here, just give it up and walk away

He said 'I'll leave you be then' and I'm not going to reply to him again.

Just going to give up on men I really thought he was the one, total opposite to my ex, laid back lots in common.

Just get abuse all the time I swear I'm going to spend my life single rather have that than deal with these awful men that want to treat me like this all the time. I can't do it anymore I can't trust anyone

Block him.

I am into some "kinky" stuff. DP and I both participate in acts that have the potential to cause harm and pain, by mutual consent!

Neither of us would wait for the other one to say "stop it hurts". We want each other to be enjoying yourself so we check that we are. I can fucking bet you that he wasn't looking down on you thinking "yes she looks happy" (because I assume you weren't smiling at him wryly).

Breathplay/asphyxiation/strangling/whatever you want to call it is one of the most dangerous things you can do and no one should be randomly putting hands on their partners throat with any pressure without prior discussion, agreement and some understanding of how not to fuck someone up (including death in some cases).

Given that you're a similar age to me I expect that you may have had sexual experiences comparable to mine. That is, with men who have watched a lot of porn and who are aggressive and violent by default. It is never appropriate for someone to assume that is what you like. Most people aren't into it.

It shouldn't be the case that one of you does whatever you like and waits for the other to protest. In a respectful relationship you gain consent before doing things not hope for the best! You want your partner to enjoy themself not tolerate (at best) sex.

Jesus. I’ve been with my dh 20 years and he has never throttled me, never pressured me to send him photos, never insisted on anal...

Come on, op. Do the Freedom Programme before you get involved with anyone else.

I’d dump this guy and block him. He sounds awful.

You never have to do anything sexually that you don’t want to do.

Bless you, I know hearing the previous comments can't be easy and at the end of the day you'll do what you feel is right but honestly, just because you haven't had someone as nice as him before in other aspects of the relationship doesn't mean you should settle for anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I know it's hard to say something in the moment, it's easy to freeze or question whether it's just you finding it all a bit weird - but even if you tell him that it's something. Tell him you'd rather he pleasured you for a while, or tell him you want a few minutes break and see how he reacts. If it isn't with understanding and respect then he may not be the kind of person that you would want to spend the rest of your life with. And that is OK - people's needs change and you have learned from him that things do get better, that relationships can have the strong points that you share with him - the right person however will have those strong points and more - the other things that you deserve. Please make sure that you love yourself and that anybody who you allow to love you does so just as much as you do. Good luck - please don't ever let anybody do anything to you that you don't feel comfortable with.

Oh for goodness sake.

Thank you user error and lochness

I know I don't owe anyone anything and I need to remember that.

In my previous relationship my ex would fly off the handle if I said to stop or froze up or didn't want sex so it is an area that i struggle to always know what's ok and how to act

What’s ok is for sex to be mutually enjoyable

If it’s not, it’s not ok

Listen, when I left an abusive marriage I fell into one in which I was emotionally used and then dumped. I went to a counselor and said "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop?". It took me a good 18 months of weekly sessions with a good counselor before I figured it out and learnt to recognize the red flags. Only then did I venture into dating again. Was everything perfect after that? No, I still managed to take up with a jerk or two, but I recognized the signs and did not ignore them and broke it off before I got involved. You can learn to do this too. Find a good counselor and be honest and open with them.

My neck feels tender today