Is he selfish? Lazy? Or neither..

[ChasingGhosts]

Help me shed some light on this situation please..

Ltr, because it's distance atm until I move back closer it's been a pretty slow burn we see each other once twice a week and has been mostly going well.

Sometimes we do have slight miscommunication issues maybe not helped by distance, and sometimes we have issues in the bedroom. This is what happened tonight and it's left me feeling 

Went to his, had a cuddle all good then he wanted to go upstairs. Bit of foreplay etc, then (this happens a lot) he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

Then we both lay in bed again but he just won't engage in sex. Just lays there. So after five minutes I get dressed and go downstairs, it's late so I have to go.

Now he's in a huff with me saying I'm in a mood and all this, but from my side I'm a bit fed up. It feels like he can be selfish and or lazy in this area. What was I supposed to do?

I'm torn between if I should feel annoyed with him or if I was being unfair.

Look, this isn't laziness! He pushed you into giving him in oral in a way you didn't want. That's fucked up. That's a big line he crossed. He's got complacent with you, so now he's showing you the real him. And it's awful.

Well this is the exchange

Horrible man

And then he said 'ok' again

Do you really really think it's that bad?

I thought that kind of sex was pretty normal, as long as the line isn't crossed obviously going without consent or doing real harm.

He thinks it was a game because he said I wasn't getting sex if i didn't send the right pictures which I didn't but I thought because he wanted to go to bed that we were doing that

Having a laugh playing around...

I'd have sunk my teeth into his dick in self defence of his.. playing around... HARD

He holds your throat as well? OP this man is dangerous. Run for the hills

What do you mean, you didn’t send the right pictures?

But that's pretty normal? Like maybe not plain standard 'vanilla' sex but nothing extreme 

He wanted particular pictures of me.. we were messing around

Don’t you think it’s bad???
Sex is an intimate thing and in a relationship supposed to bring you closer. In what way does this behaviour make you feel loved and valued?

This is a very responsible, laid back man, with a good job, nothing dodgy about him, we get on very well together

Is it? I don't think he's abusive he just likes that kind of sex? I don't mind it I've just said to him don't hurt me

And he respected none of that! He likes the kind of sex he's been seeing on porn where women are roughly forced to perform oral sex. And you don't mind? WTAF? And you know what's worse than you're not seeing how rapey and fucked up this is, but that he not only doesn't either but also blames you for not accepting it

Gawd, I fucking despair for my teenagers in a world where women think they have to put up with abusive excuses for sex like this and men think it's okay to mete that out and any woman who objects is moody, etc.

Do I think it's bad erm..

Difficult question..

Kind of. That's why I came here for answers because I'm confused.

What, so he wanted pictures of you which you didn’t send so he was punishing you by not giving you sex? Please don’t say you think that is normal.

We have a good relationship he likes my kids we talk about the future and marriage, why would he then abuse me? What is supposed to happen?

I'm mainly upset because yes I don't feel valued or wanted when it's like that. But it's not every time.

Normally though he just fafs about for ages before getting on with it and lays there a lot hence why i said about being lazy

OMG, there is so much fucking wrong with this I'm wondering how to put it all to my kids so they're not thinking it's ever acceptable to behave like this. He thinks he's God's gift, doesn't he? That you couldn't possibly get sex whenever you wanted.

Hold your throat? That throttling shit scares the fuck out of me. That someone would do that to my kids and they think it's acceptable even though they don't want it. It's straight out of violent rape porn.

This is a very responsible, laid back man, with a good job, nothing dodgy about him, we get on very well together

Yeah, there's something dodgy about him. He doesn't take no for an answer.

I was date raped by a man who's now a top surgeon in his field. There was nothing dodgy about him, except he felt entitled to do what he wanted and well, he's a rapist.

Seems to me that this bloke is watching a lot of nasty porn, then expecting you to act it out. Not good OP.

If my husband tried to push my head down to the point of hurting me I’d tell him to fuck the fuck off.
If my husband put his hand around my throat I’d tell him to fuck the fuck off.
If he said I would t get sex because I wouldn’t send him pics of me then I would tell him to fuck the fuck off.

None of this is ok. Get rid.

OP.. to be fair.. the events as you've described them on here.. are pretty disturbing.. almost triggering ..

so people will respond accordingly because .. what he tried to do to you .. sounds horrendous .. and you are failing to see why...

Oh, dear god. You're not seeing it. And you've got your kids involved. Cracking on with this little fantasy of a nice guy and marriage and more kids. He 'holds your throat' roughly, grabs your hair roughly to push your head down onto this dick. He punishes you if you don't send him porny photos that he can share anywhere. That's so wrong on so many levels.

he said I wasn't getting sex if i didn't send the right pictures which I didn't

What. The. FUCK?!?!?!

He tries to force you to perform a sex act that you do not want to perform. He has (apparently) held you by the THROAT. He threatens to withhold sex if you won't send (I assume) explicit photos.

Don't just walk, RUN! This man shows all the signs of being an abusive arsehole.

Maybe I'm wrong, but something in your posts indicates to me that you have not had many sexual partners so perhaps you don't understand exactly what you have the right to expect from a man. You have the right to be treated with respect and consideration in any sexual relationship whether it be a ONS or a 30 year marriage. Let me assure you that this man's behaviour is NOT normal. And it is not acceptable.

You said no and he ignored that. He tried to engage you in a non-consensual sexual act. That is not normal.

And who the hell gets their kicks out of grabbing their partner by the throat?

Sorry if I've upset anyone 

I was sexually abused by my ex, but it wasn't like this

The cps are currently reviewing their decision not to charge my ex with multiple sexual offences