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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he selfish? Lazy? Or neither..

115 replies

ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 22:18

Help me shed some light on this situation please..

Ltr, because it's distance atm until I move back closer it's been a pretty slow burn we see each other once twice a week and has been mostly going well.

Sometimes we do have slight miscommunication issues maybe not helped by distance, and sometimes we have issues in the bedroom. This is what happened tonight and it's left me feeling 

Went to his, had a cuddle all good then he wanted to go upstairs. Bit of foreplay etc, then (this happens a lot) he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

Then we both lay in bed again but he just won't engage in sex. Just lays there. So after five minutes I get dressed and go downstairs, it's late so I have to go.

Now he's in a huff with me saying I'm in a mood and all this, but from my side I'm a bit fed up. It feels like he can be selfish and or lazy in this area. What was I supposed to do?

I'm torn between if I should feel annoyed with him or if I was being unfair.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 04/11/2018 23:05

Get rid of that selfish shitkettle. Jesus i wouldn't tolerate that kind of coercive and selfish behaviour for a second.

penisbeakers · 04/11/2018 23:06

Christ have some self respect.
He's clearly an arsehole.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:07

I've not had a lot of partners no.

Ok so maybe I should say to him look no holding my throat or head or any more pics (I absolutely HATE taking pics) and then see if he respects that.

I think he's got into thinking that I enjoy this kind of kinky sex too, which I can but not when I'm hurt but i don't think he meant to actively hurt me

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:07

I'm actually very assertive and have a lot of self respect

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 23:07

You should have got some serious counselling before dating again after your ex. Because all this is, is another form of abuse. Throttling you, trying to coerce you into sending porny photos and then punishing you when you don't, grabbing you by the hair and forcing your mouth onto his dick, gaslighting you, that is abuse. ALL of this is abuse.

Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 23:07

I'm not sure you've upset anyone.. I think we're more upset FOR You.... because you're not seeing what is so clearly inappropriate sexual behaviour.. this isn't a mutually enjoyable sexual experience... unless you're both into dominating behaviours... he's a bully that just wants oral sex and you can either do it or piss off.... that's not love by anyone standards... Flowers

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:08

I've had extensive counselling both nhs and private

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 23:10

I'm glad you're not sending any more photos.. particularly as you truly hate taking them.. even this is appalling of him... christ OP.. do take care...

dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 23:11

Ok so maybe I should say to him look no holding my throat or head or any more pics (I absolutely HATE taking pics) and then see if he respects that.

It's not 'holding your throat'. He is throttling you. He could strangle you, you know, as in killing you. You hate pics but he still insists. You tell him 'no' and he still does it! So how do you think he'll respect your wishes if you say 'DO NOT STRANGLE ME' (stop calling it 'holding my throat)?

You're not seeing this, are you? You are still caught in a cycle of abuse. This man is abusive. You simply cannot negotiate with an abusive person. This is very worrying all the more because you have kids.

He's into violent porn.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 23:12

I've had extensive counselling both nhs and private

Not enough because what this man did to you is actually a crime. If you can't see this, you are in a very worrying position, open to abuse.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:12

Ok well I'll cool it off then.

I really thought we had a future together

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:12

What should I say to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:13

I thought putting your hands on someone's neck during sex is normal  it turns some people on?

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 23:15

Well, since you are LTR, I'd ghost him and block. You owe him FA, and anything you say to him he will twist back round on you to justify his behaviour, exonerate him of any responsibility or wrongdoing and make it all your fault.

So if you want to say anything at all, then: 'I've given this some thought. This relationship is not working for me anymore. I need to move on. So I'm ending this now. Wishing you luck in the future' and then you block him.

He will never see where doing anything without the other person's consent is wrong. He can go back to his rape porn and you've had a lucky escape.

He will escalate the abuse. It's what they do.

Nithead · 04/11/2018 23:16

Get out!! He gives zero fucks and it's alarming you think this is vaguely normal

Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 23:17

I thought putting your hands on someone's neck during sex is normal  it turns some people on?

who told you this ? was it a man ? do you enjoy it ?

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:18

Long term relationship

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 23:18

I thought putting your hands on someone's neck during sex is normal  it turns some people on?

NO, it's not. You're a product of a generation of people who've been watching porn intensively and so have been conditioned to find strangulation practise and anal something that everyone does and must enjoy. Throttling someone is dangerous as fuck and should not be done without both parties consent beforehand and agreed upon conditions and safe words.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/11/2018 23:18

You’re an abusive bastard, now kindly fuck off

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:19

Not really no and I don't enjoy anal either

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:20

He's said to me

Ok
Moody
Poke

Three separate messages 

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 04/11/2018 23:20

I’m 53. No one has ever put their hands on my throat during sex, ever. And if they did they’d get a knee to the balls quick smart

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 04/11/2018 23:21

I didn't realise it was that dangerous

I basically thought all of this stuff is just having a varied and maybe slightly adventurous sex life, not harmful

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 04/11/2018 23:21

Then he’s a twat to add to all the other shit

buckingfrolicks · 04/11/2018 23:22

Some people enjoy that type of sex yes, but never ever feel bad while doing it, and it brings intimacy not separation, as far as I understand it. And it's 100% consensual. What you're describing is one sided coercion, where you are unhappy, and where your pleasure is a bargaining tool. And not important, if I understand him being "lazy" correctly.

You might get a different perspective if you post in the Sex forum.

Imo what he's doing is vile and selfish and brutal.

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