Is he selfish? Lazy? Or neither..

[ChasingGhosts]

Help me shed some light on this situation please..

Ltr, because it's distance atm until I move back closer it's been a pretty slow burn we see each other once twice a week and has been mostly going well.

Sometimes we do have slight miscommunication issues maybe not helped by distance, and sometimes we have issues in the bedroom. This is what happened tonight and it's left me feeling 

Went to his, had a cuddle all good then he wanted to go upstairs. Bit of foreplay etc, then (this happens a lot) he wants oral but won't actively engage in sex with me other than that.. he starts pushing my head down a lot which is ok but he's a bit rough.

Again he won't really engage in sex, but then wants me to kneel on the floor for oral and I know he wants to finish things so I say no because I don't want to end it like that. He then starts grabbing my hair and trying to push me and I keep saying no and not letting him.

Then we both lay in bed again but he just won't engage in sex. Just lays there. So after five minutes I get dressed and go downstairs, it's late so I have to go.

Now he's in a huff with me saying I'm in a mood and all this, but from my side I'm a bit fed up. It feels like he can be selfish and or lazy in this area. What was I supposed to do?

I'm torn between if I should feel annoyed with him or if I was being unfair.

:-( how are you feeling about things?

how are you feeling today OP...

I hope that you have someone to speak to IRL.. someone that you can trust and confide in..

from what you've said... it sounds like sex in your relationship has been a one way street.. your purpose appears to have been to submit to his needs and nothing about your needs or feelings have been taken into account...

I hope your feeling okay today.. and can take some time to yourself... be kind to yourself and see things a bit clearer in the cold light of day

Honestly you should leave this man. Everyone deserves someone who is kind to them.

This is so far from normal and made me sad to read.
Please do talk to someone in RL and I hope you take steps to leave him.
Hugs

I'm very sad for you. This isn't all right at all.

Sorry...he sounds vile ..you deserve better...have some self respect and self love and dump him.

So hes used enough force on your neck to make it sore. This is more than putting his hands on your throat. Can you not see this? :(

I like a mix of non-vanilla and vanilla sex.

Whatever I like should only be that which is offered by my DH, not taken from him.

Likewise he’d never ever coerce, force or expect me to do anything I didn’t want to. Sex for us is about each of us wanting to please the other, rather than power play and expecting to be serviced.

Your partner was abusive. You’ve said no, he didn’t stop. He has no wish to express his love or to please you. He’s not worthy of having a relationship with. He’s sexually abused you.

The trouble is, your ex was so bad you think that lesser abusive is acceptable, it isn’t. No abuse is acceptable.

You’ve lost tour judgement to be able to see that a healthy relationship is one where your partner wants you to be happy and supports your lead in you doing whatever it it that makes you happy. Like wise you do the same for them. I married my DH because I thought I’d be able to make him happy as much as he made me happy.

Please don’t engage with this man other than today it’s not working for you and your ending it. Then block because I fear you are vulnerable and he’ll manipulate you if you don’t

How are you OP... you okay ?

You need to dump him and do it now, and then you need to get yourself some counselling

Thank you Gemini I'm a bit upset I think I'm just going to give up on relationships forever

I had a very abusive ex. This sounds just like him about halfway through our relationship. He only got worse. Police involved etc. Only you know how he is day to day with you, but to me there are huge red flags in his behavior.

You say you are not sure what a normal relationship is. Here’s an example then.
It’s being with a partner that puts your needs, wants and pleasure first. Who would rather give you 100% sexual enjoyment than have their needs met. They get enjoyment seeing you get enjoyment. They would never force you or hurt you in any way. They would treat you like a princess and never let anyone else treat you any less.
You need to love yourself first and believe you are worthy of only ever being treated like this before anyone else will love you and treat you like this. I’m not making this up, I was in an abusive marriage and now I am married to my prince. It took my first husband leaving me for me to wake up and see how badly I was being treated and how I accepted it all because I thought that’s what a good wife was supposed to do.
I changed my standards and got a whole different class of man 😊

I am older than @Costacoffee and completely agree with her. Had sex with all sorts - my boundaries weren't great - but nothing like that. And any 'if you don't do x then no sex' would always get a response of 'please yourself then'.

you need some.. YOU time in your life now OP...

I'm very old compared to you and have had loads of sex but have never been treated like this in bed. He sounds horrible. Sorry OP. But take heart, nice men do exist.