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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

did your marriage begin life as an affair?

228 replies

thinkingandsad · 17/06/2007 22:25

Yes of course I have changed my name for this.

That's it really. Were you married to someone else when you met your current partner and were they married too?

Has it worked out and would you do it again?

How did you go through the process of getting together and breaking up your families?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 08:43

That is just it - affairs are the first flush of love/lust/hormones. and while they are 'secret' the real world does not have to enter into the relationship. It is often when reality HAS to be faced that the cracks begin.

I have a male friend who left his wife (well eventually she kicked him out as he couldnt give up ow) and he said he deeply regrets now being 'stuck' with her. In fact he told my dh that he will probably spend xmas with the woman who ruined his life. But then by his actions we know he is weak coward and will probably be declaring his undying love for ow and will not leave until he gets a better offer.

changequick1 · 30/10/2009 08:44

That should be relative of mine. T9!

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 09:05

Just read a bit more - I am with you McD, mummee must surely be watching her back in case he is not satisfied at home.
I have stayed with my h after his affair - it is not easy to accept that he could do that - so i suppose in some ways the ow has a head start she already knows that about him.
The one thing i can say is that i would not be so complacent again.

Also agree with MP - life is very complex all we can do is live with the things we have done and try and learn from it.
Both mine and h life is different because of his affair - we too have lost friends because of it.

Affairs do happen - but what i object to is that anyone can deny how much pain they cause - and then justify it by 'blaming' the wife/husband.
At least MP admits to being selfish - and that is something my h is still coming to terms with - that actually he may not be the 'nice' person he thinks he is/was.

mummee09v · 30/10/2009 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 10:16

No Mcdoddle - dont fuck yourself - you can go and fuck someone elses husband instead - afterall they are not anybodies property.

Mummee - maybe there is a raw nerve there somewhere - and actually that sort of retort dose make you sound very much like the sterotypical ow we all love to hate.

You cant generalize about bitter wives and not expect a few people to do the same about ow.

OrmIrian · 30/10/2009 10:19

mummee - that is simply vile and uncalled for.

thetattooedmagpie · 30/10/2009 10:20

God this thread has gone so nasty and spiteful. what a shame.

mummee09v · 30/10/2009 10:22

sorry to be harsh but i am sick of being judged on here by people who assume i am some sort of husband-stealing harlot.

if i sound bitter about his ex wife its because i am, i don't like her one bit as for 2 1/2 years i have had to put up with her verbal abuse which has even gone as far as her contacting my family members to call me disgusting names. i have also had physical threats. and most of all i have saw my fiancee heartbroken because she has runined his relationship with his daughter.

and i AM better than her. he doesnt need to tell me that (although he has done) i can see it for myself.

he says he feels like he has got a second chance in life, he never thought he could be so happy, he felt that he fucked up marrying her and wasting a lot of his good years with her. and it is not just the first flush of hormones, we have been together 2 1/2 years, as i said, and every day we love eachother more.

mummee09v · 30/10/2009 10:23

sorry macdoodle, shouldnt have said that.

really really sorry

macdoodle · 30/10/2009 10:28

2 and a half years isnt very long at all !
Mumee I am ignoring your rude outburst, I actually feel very sorry for you, you dont sound very happy at all, it took my XH 3 years to get bored of his first wife, I lasted 7, wonder how long the next will last?

Divatheshopaholic · 30/10/2009 10:30

wow, getting heated?
mummee you need to re-read all your psots, they all read like written by difeernt peopl

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 10:30

Then mummee - go and enjoy your nice life - do what anyone else would do - get a restraining order against her (after all she is nothing to you).
But please believe me that if she did not 'expect' her marriage to fail because of his failure to tell her the truth she will be very very angry and upset.

Her version of events is probably very different from your dp or yours - that does not mean her feelings do not matter or are wrong.

I was livid when i first found out and lashed out at all the wrong people - did some things i am not so proud of now. It is a very very distressing time and sometimes you need to allow people that space to do those things without judging them for it. She would have felt totally out of control.

I think she has every right to tell her daughter her version of events - he did leave her and did tell lies to make his life easier (even if it was the lie that he lived happily with her mother). Maybe he has destroyed that relationship not her - after all he could have ended his unhappy marriage a long time before that couldnt he???

Divatheshopaholic · 30/10/2009 10:32

sorry mummee, i agree with mcd, you sounds angry and unhappy. good luck with the life hunnie((hugs))

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 10:33

And mummee - you have to not be frightened of being judged - one of the first things i had to learn was to not worry about what other people think of me, as i am sure many thought me stupid (well the ow would have done anyway) but she is nothing to me so her judging me has no effect at all.

sayithowitis · 30/10/2009 10:45

Mummee, if you feel justified in your dislike of and bitterness towards your partners ex wife because of the last 2 and 1/2 years, how do you think she feels about you? Is it any wonder that she is taking out her feelings on you? after all, in her eyes you are responsible for the end of her marriage. And as has been said by many others, whatever your DP has told you, you only have his side of the story about the state of his marriage before you came along. So you don't like her one bit because she hasn't welcomed you with open arms and gladly allowed you to step in and 'take' her husband? Well, tough! That's what you sign up for when you shack up with a married man!

And as I said earlier, don't blame his wife for the state of his relationship with his DD. That is down to HIM. he is the one who left, the wife is the one who not only has to deal with her own grief, but also to help her DD get through the crappiest situation she has probably been in. The DD has seen first hand, how the break up of the marriage has affected her mother and that is down to her father walking out. So whether you like it or not, your partners problems with his DD are of his making.

And as for your earlier comment: it PISSES me off when people talk about people "leaving their kids" when a marriage / relationship breaks down - the person being "left" is the husband / wife!! I can tell you that whilst as an adult we can understand that it is the wife/husband who is being left, I also know from my own experience, that as a child, you do totally believe that it is you that is being abandoned and it doesn't matter how many times you are told otherwise, that is what you believe.

morningpaper · 30/10/2009 10:58

This harranging of mummee09v is VERY bad form. She answered the OP honestly. I'm sure the OP will be delighted to realise that her biggest problem is likely to be the way that other women will forever see her as some kind of monster. Everyone blames The Woman unfortunately.

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 11:03

but that is just the way it is - the rules havent changed really have they.

There are still so many areas where inequality exists and this is one of them.

I have even worked in places where there were affairs and even if someone is the ow they seem to be able to hate woman when they see it - very odd.

SpookyScattyKatty · 30/10/2009 11:14

Mumeee the things you are saying about you DP 'fucking up' marrying his EX are very hurtful for his DD! She came out of the marriage so saying it was a total mistake is a horrid thing to say!

You don't seem to care that she will grow up without her Father around and insulting her Mother will not help

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 11:51

well said spooky

That was one of the things i found most hurtful about my h affair - the fact that all the good times we did have didnt seem to matter one bit.

It was in some ways worse than if he had died. At least then you are allowed to remember all the good happy times. But when he leaves you in this cowardly way all that seems to not matter and you want to hate him - that is probably the hardest thing to do.

Mummee if you think his whole marriage was a mistake then i think you are being taken for a fool. He may wish to remember it like that as it is easier for him. But there would have been many happy times too. His daughter who means the world to him was a product of that love he DID once have.

When you are in one relationship is natural to tell that person that they are the 'one' the best at sex and so on. No-one wants to hear how wonderful the ex was at X Y Z even if they were.

LoremIpsum · 30/10/2009 11:52

To be fair, MP, it's the derision in Mumeee's posts that people have responded to, not her actions. Many posters in this thread have spoken openly about affairs and divorce without being attacked.

Janet107 · 28/12/2009 19:10

I too am sorry to see this thread has ended up angry and bitter.
I was in a mess twelve months ago when I posted my heart here, there was alot of support for people (other women) like me who don't often find anyone to talk to that won't judge or abuse us.
Most of us are already beating ourselves up enough!
These situations are never easy, they are never reconciled overnight, sometimes never.

You have one life, live it and be happy, having courage to leave an unhappy marraige is not a crime. Sometimes the way this comes about is messy, really messy.
I know.

butterballs · 28/12/2009 21:26

Take the drama out of it - you are all being too melodramatic. A shag is just a shag - to be honest in 5 or 10 years time the mistress/lover will be boring and irritating. Just accept that affairs/indifelity/thinking about it and all that stuff is just - you know - a NORMAL part of life. Get on with it, get over it - not that interesting really. Not as interesting as a good conversation or a great meal. You know - get real, get over yourselves it really isn't as interesting as you all think.

The "other person" is a normal dynamic in relationships, best just to get on with it and go with the ride. The life journey doesn't last that long - try to enjoy without too much guilt and anguish.... stop the moralising - so tedious.

jasper · 28/12/2009 22:00

butterballs the point of this thread surely is to find people for whom the mistress/lover was NOT boring and irritating after 5 or 10 years

jasper · 28/12/2009 22:01

janet how did things turn out for you?

SleepingLion · 28/12/2009 22:14

Well, DH was married to someone else when I met him; we were friends for several years but did not have an affair - we got together after he left his wife, but he did leave her for me, iyswim.

We had our tenth anniversary this year and he tells me he has never regretted for a second the decision he made. So I'm hoping that that means he doesn't find me boring and/or irritating yet...