did your marriage begin life as an affair?

[thinkingandsad]

Yes of course I have changed my name for this.

That's it really. Were you married to someone else when you met your current partner and were they married too?

Has it worked out and would you do it again?

How did you go through the process of getting together and breaking up your families?

my childhood was wonderful until my mum met someone else, dad was apaprently already having affairs. He would have stayed wth mum, and us, but she couldnt "do" affairs, she had to have a proper relationship. The next 16 odd yrs of my life were pretty crap.

QOD that is quite sad.
Looking back do you wish your parents had stayed tog for the sake of the children?

Mine kind of did.

When I met my husband, he was living with someone else. I didnt know this, he told me he was single. I found out when I was pg with our baby, and told him to make a choice (and before anyone accuses me of anything bad, I never used our unborn child as a pawn and never would have) and he chose me. Our baby sadly passed away, and we married a short while later and had two more children. But in reality, from my experience, a cheater is always a cheater, and he had numerous affairs and we separated, and then divorced. I have been divorced for two years now, but have been with my current partner for five years (didnt cheat as such, had been seperated a year before I met him, just couldnt afford a divorce for a while, both my 'husband' and my partner knew the situation!!) so technically my partner and I started off our relationhip while I was married, though I have never cheated on anyone and never would. My ex husband has been remarried since our divorce was finalised to a woman he started seeing six months before we separated, they have both cheated during their marriage and things are not good! My partner and I are solid as a rock.

This isn't particularly to do with affairs, but a bit of experience from the children's side:

DP's parents stayed together 'for the kids' from when DP was about 2 until he was 18, and it was horrific. No abuse, just two people who didn't love each other, rarely liked each other, and desperately tried to portray the right image for their children. Suffice to say, they didn't, and DP was pretty screwed up by listening the arguments (when the children were 'asleep'). The break up finally happened when he was 18, just about to sit his a-levels, worst possible time, but his parents just couldn't do it any more. It was horrific, as far as I understand (I didn't know DP then, but have heard many tales of the awfulness from all over his family).

My parents, on the other hand, divorced when I was 18 months old, again, no affairs involved. They both met new partners and remarried when I was 5 (mother) and 6 (father). They made a massive effort to behave like adults when dropping us off/picking us up, helped us get along with the various step/half siblings, generally made life for me and my sister as easy as possible. We visited my father every other weekend for years, and my sister moved in with him for a few years at one point. They are both still married to their respective partners 25 years later and I would say I've had a more stable home life than many, many people I know whose parents stayed together. I think if they had stayed married my childhood years would have been bloody awful! Sooooo badly matched.

I'm not saying that this would have been the case if there had been affairs. My parents were pretty bloody angry with each other when they divorced though, but made sure (and were able to make sure by dint of only seeing each other at pick up and drop off) that they were always friendly to one another, always kissed on the cheek, so we only ever saw them getting on.

Just to say, that staying together for the sake of the kids isn't always the right solution. Have no opinion to offer on the affair thing as have absolutely no experience of it as a child or adult.

Warning: this is probably going to be long, I'm just going to let my fingers do the talking. I don't need to be judged, I'm not a child and I know I, in part created this mess...
I last posted on here in January, after he decided to go home.
He asked me to give him 6 months and said the same to the wife.
He put his house on the market, moved across the country with his wife for a new start, we continued to see each other.
In August he flew back early from a business trip and joined us in Devon on our summer holiday. Strange but it actually made me realise how bad this whole situation was. We had a lovely time, it was the first family summer break since 2004. We had a bbq and went walking, I saw how good life could be with someone sharing it with me as apposed to the mess I'd had with my ex husband.

I also realised that as real as it felt, he wasn't as commited to me as i was to him. Big reality check.
I explained that he asked for six months and I had given him 8 and now it was time to end things. We stopped and started over the next 6 weeks or so. I told him a wanted a proper relationship and maybe even a baby. He said he wanted a child too and went on talk alot about this. then the words that blew me away: I would pay, you know, support my child. I realised he was talking about having a baby with me and staying married.

It took me some time to get the courage to explain that I didn't mean 'like this'. I already had 2 kids with a deadbeat dad and why would I bring another one into the world who actually chose not to be around.

Shortly after he was made redundant so would be unable to see me any more. He lived a 3 hour drive away from me and worked away 3 days a week which is why it worked as long as it did I guess...

God this is so hard. I need to stop for a bit.

I have no doubt he was committed to me in his way, It just wasn't the kind of committment I wanteed. My girls were very attaced to him and one day out of no-where one of them even asked if she could call him dad.

Btw- he has no children.

I had been very unhappy in the relationship for some time and just kept hanging on, it was stupid and extremely painful and made me very unhappy.

He still says he doesn't know what he wants, that he's changed as a person and he doesn't know which is real. He's different with me... blah blah blah.

No more. From August I started to remove him from my life, slowly.
It's taken a long time, it's still painful. He still wants me to wait and says he's still trying to figure things out.
I decided to move away to a new town and he offered to lend me the money to do it, I'm potless. Of course he couldn't when he was made redundant.
I took him off the chat lists, out of my email, whenever he contacts me, I immediatley delete his number. It just hurts too much. I'm better off on my own.
He sent christmas presents for the kids and me. I didn't tell them.
I'm going ahead with the move and I'm not taking him with me. He's now relocating close to where I'm going.
Regardless, I'm moving on. I don't want to be in a relationship with ANYONE if it means feeling bad about myself.
I don't understand and maybe I never will, I don't need anyone to explain it to me. I never went out to destroy anyones relationship. I never asked him to leave, that was his choice, he destroyed both relationships when he second guessed and neither will or could be the same again.

People make mistakes, marry, enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons. I just remind myself that I have one life and I want it to be a happy one, with happy relationships.

I applaud those who have had the courage to take the flack and do what's right for them. With maturity.
Nobody but the people involved really know the truth and it's wrong for 'the other woman' or 'the ex wife' to throw around there opinions because there will always be more to the story than they really know.
Just accept, trust (if you can) and get on with it. Dare I say: for better or worse.

I'll apologise now if this offends anyone, these are just my personal feelings poured out onto my keyboard.

jasper....... i think what the real issue was was that my sister and i just werent as important to either of them as their new, in the first flushes of love, partners.
My mum & step dad (she was 29 he was 22) were very very ummmmmmmmmm loving with each other (obviously i didnt understand that then) but spent hours closeted away together, wanting to be alone, going on holiday and days out etc. My dad was the same once he met someone (snort - 2 weeks later he was living with someone who incidentally had LEFT her 4 kids with their dad).
WHen I was 11 we were uprooted away from extended family and dad, about an hour away, then dad moved to Scotland when I was 14. SIs & I then lived alone in one house whilst mum & stepdad set up new business and were incredibly busy for 18 mths, then mum emigrated overseas when I was 18. My grandparents then moved to be with my dad when I was 20.
I was on the surface a well loved child, with a nice home, great parents (well 3 out of the 4) loving grandparents, the lot. BUt infact was rejected, rejected and rejected as not being as important to them as they were to me. Thats why I am hugely fat and unhappy, I saw a counsellor recently about all this........... :D

Janet your story is very sad.I am sorry your OM did not have whatever it takes to make up his mind one way or the other.
You are very strong to have made the decision yourself.WELL DONE.
DO you think this story is over yet?

QOD thanks for your honesty. What a sad tale of the effect parental choices have on their children's life. I hopeyou are making inroads to the 2 things you mention at the end of your post

Message withdrawn

christiana how did you get together and has it worked out happily ?

I left one relationship when I was about to walk down the aisle (2 weeks before the wedding).

It was absolutely horrendous. Probably one of the hardest things I ever did. Made the relationships I'd left when I left for someone else seem like a doddle compared to what I went through.

Although my partner I'm sure knew our relationship was over, no-one, and I mean no-one, could understand how we had split up when there was no-one else involved. And when, 9 months later, I started dating someone else properly, everyone seemed to feel much better as they assumed I must have been in contact with the new bloke before I split up with my fiancee (which wasn't true).

It is always the woman's fault and even if there is no-one else involved, everyone will assume there is anyway. You are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

FIL and stepMIL marriage was the result of an affair - they've been together for nearly forty years now and are clearly still in love. BUT they've totally fucked up DH's and DSIL's lives - FIL and SMIL would argue that they've always made room for them, but as an "outsider", I'd say that they made the minimal effort to keep contact with the children on both sides, and the fallout is still affecting those children, even though they've now grown up, and has a knock-on effect even on the grandchildren.

I think it can work out if the children of the marriages are treated properly (and, tbh, that's going to be way more effort than a lot of people seem to be bothered to make) or if the children are very young and don't really know what's going on. Still, for all the arguments about "only one life", it's a bit shit to build your own happiness on ruining half a dozen or so other, innocent, lives.

No Jasper, I don't think the story has ended quite yet.
I think he's going to keep right on trying to keep me in his life.
Without his number, I don't contact him. Sad to say, I'm happier without him. Maybe happy isn't the right word just yet. I have more peace.
When we have contact, I sink into a funk, like writing this, it knocked me for most of the day.

I don't want that, I don't want to feel like I do right now. Surprise surprise he called today... I just had nothing to say. I don't want to know how his holidays are. I don't care anymore about his happiness. It has nothing to do with me, not anymore.

Even if he turned up on my door, no, I don't think it would work.
Does spilling my guts out here make it better? No, but reading it back keeps me on track and focusing on me and my girls and not a dead end relationship.
He asked me to take a chance on him, I was frightened, I took a deep breathe and jumped in.
Jesus, I got burned.
I'll do it again, with a few more lessons learned next time around.
Sorry, just blahhing now. No more, when I'm ready I'll come back and add something more constructive! Promise lol

Aw, Janet, you sound like a wonderful person with your head firmly screwed on. Good luck

Mrsjammi I am exhausted reading that!
I hope things are happy for you and your dh now

I was already divorced when I met P and he told me he was too. Ha! Then I started getting shit from his wife and he came clean. I tried to dump him, but he grovelled so much I caved in and took him back. Anyway a couple of years down the line, they are now divorced, but we aren't happy (I still want to leave) and I refuse to marry him.

I never wanted to be the other woman and getting cited in someone else's divorce papers but I was lied to. And yes, there have been many other whopper lies too, so hardly a great start to a relationship eh?

So IMHO anything based on deceit is bad news.

Moose007, sounds like you had a tough start, but still with your P after some years.

People meet and as you get older it gets more complicated. Every relationship has its good and bad sides. Usually I see its people who have idealistic ideas about how a relationship should start and seem to have a perfect start end in the biggest of failures.

My P and I started out similar way to you. He was married and had a family. We fell in love quickly and had a baby together. He got divorced from his ex just after our baby was born. She filed for adultery. It was hard but we got through it. I felt very bad being the other woman and still do at times. But we are where we are. Thats life, try to enjoy what you have together and look forward.

We had all these problems at the start and got through them. Its like, at the beginning when things seem impossible, we got together and stayed together. So despite having all those troublesome things to deal with in the beginning, we survive.

We still have arguments, but I know he loves me and our baby and that's what counts. Surviving a bad start shows something very very strong between you.

Is it you not happy or is your P wanting out? Sounds to me you are feeling bad like I did. Well dont, sometimes we only get one shot finding Mr right.

miamimi - good on you for hanging in there. You're right you know. Meeting someone you feel you can spend your life with isn't an easy thing (especialy as we get older).

Congrats for diong what was right for you.

Much to the surprise of some, there is alot of guilt that goes with relationship breakdowns due to others (ie yourself). I remain firm though with my thoughts: Staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids or partner/husband/wife is not what life is about and there is no big reward at the end of it. No one will thank you for it.

In fact, after a lengthy conversation with my mum recently I asked her why on earth she stayed with my dad, we would have respected her more if she'd had left (IMHO) and she said 'if i'd have left when i first thought about it you would never have been born'.

Bloody hell, that added up to 40 years of her life in misery. We all saw it, we all felt it. It did none of us any good.

BTW - That is not me saying 'go fuck anyone you like'
It's just that sometimes things happen. Not always becuase one man can't keep his dick in his pants or is a little bored with wifey or becuase a woman has no self esteem and wants some attention.
As often as this is true, it is not.

Just try not to take the hurt/anger/guilt/jealousy out on those that matter to you most.

Ha, I shall practise what I preach :-)

Janet - I felt so sad reading your post I just wanted to offer you my best wishes.

I was the OW for a long time (years not months), but split when I decided I needed more than being the OW (funnily I didn't want him to leave his wife, although I loved him very much it just didn't seem right for us). I subsequently got married and had children. I am happy, but me and OM seem to be forever linked. I think of him with both sadness and fondness. I moved many many miles to get away from him but it has never been possible to make a total break.

As time goes on I think the regret gets deeper - he tells me he desperately regrets not leaving his wife and to a degree I regret that we didn't give it a go. Of course if I had I wouldn't have what I do now so that tempers it somewhat but I know we both feel a very strong sense of "what if".

I don't suppose this helps but I wanted to get it off my chest.

Take Care

Miamimi, thanks. Yes, I had a lovely fairytale wedding with my exH. We were together 10 years and it was very good. But I had a MIL and SIL from hell and he ended it one day out of the blue because his mum gave him an ultimatam - them or me!!! He might had suddenly come down with a case of chronic mid life crisis.

So, really this does emphasize your point about good starts don't always mean happy ever after...

Btw, exH and I were trying for a baby and nothing was happening. I got together with P and I was pregnant virtually straight away as soon as we tried. So, I guess there's the silver lining; we now have an absolutely adorable 18mth old.

Moose007, Hmm sounds like you and your P have some great chemistry to click so fast! I know what that's like!

But also sounds like you are still hurt by how your ExH treated you and its effecting your relationship with your P and family.

I hope to god someone reads this, without prejudice .
I'm pregnant.
I don't even know right now what to say. My head is all over the place.
He suggested termination or adoption. He does not want this child.
We have talked alot about children, hell, i feel like I need to justify myself right now but nobody knows the history other than the stuff i have spilled on here.
Yes I hear: So what, kick the loser in to touch...
It's not about him anymore.
I'm scared, I can't sleep, I have no-one to talk to.
I don't know what to do.
help.
all I ask is that if you feel the need to reply at least take the time to read the history and PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME, I'm not sure I could take that right now.