DF put my baby at risk. What now?

[Aeonium]

I’ve had a massive falling out with DF. Over 20 years ago he left me and DM to become a live-in carer for his sister who is severely mentally disabled. Since then we’ve made our peace and I visit with DS. However several months ago when DS was born we argued because he kept whinging that I should give his sister “a turn” with the baby. I did let her hold DS once but I was hovering nearby because she has a history of being unpredictable and violent, and I told her not to kiss him because she has scabs, sores and weeping abscesses all over including on her mouth and face. She ignored me (understandable due to her disability) and when I stopped her trying to kiss DS she lost her temper and tried to throw him on the floor. So I said I didn’t feel comfortable letting her hold DS again. I know it seems mean but I have to put DS’s safety first. DF appeared to accept this and hasn’t mentioned it again.

A couple of days ago I arrived at DF’s house desperate for the loo and handed him DS (which I never do, I always put him on the floor with his toys). As soon as DF was left unsupervised holding DS he immediately handed him to his sister and let her kiss and cuddle him. I freaked out when I saw (I was out of the room for literally 30 seconds and came back to ask DF where the loo roll was). I grabbed DS, yelled at DF and stormed out.

DF refuses to apologise. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. But he’s handed my baby to someone who’s unpredictable and has violent outbursts, who wouldn’t understand about things like not covering a baby’s face or dropping him, against my explicit wishes, while I was out of the room and not supervising. Also she’s being treated by a dermatologist because they don’t know what’s causing some of her skin lesions. Nobody knows if they’re infectious because nobody knows what they are. Other lesions could be herpes or anything, I don’t know.

I feel sympathy for her condition but I don’t think it’s healthy or pleasant for DS to be touching sores and abscesses. DF said “but she’s disabled”, which has been a lifelong excuse for her to be allowed to do whatever she wants. I don’t see why her being disabled means she has to be allowed to touch sores against my baby. And I appreciate that she just wants to cuddle the baby but he’s not a doll, and she might not mean to hurt him but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t.

DF is now not speaking to me and I don’t know what to do. DM thinks I should forgive and forget because he’s old and could die at any time, I don’t want to deprive DS and his grandad of knowing each other, and I shouldn’t create a regrettable rift. But I’m deeply upset and I don’t trust him with DS any more.

Well this isn’t AIBU but you are most certainly not being! I couldn’t allow someone to put my child at risk however well intentioned he might feel he is. I think a halfway house would be seeing him out of his home environment, away from his caring responsibilities, assuming that you want to? I feel terribly sorry for your aunt who doesn’t understand what she did wrong but that sympathy doesn’t extend to putting a baby in a vulnerable position

How difficult for you. YANBU but I don’t have any advice apart from keep your baby in your sight.

I would never take my child into that situation again. It’s not fair on your child. If your aunt has cold sores, you know this can be fatal for babies. You would not be unreasonable to refuse to ever go back. Your df being hurt or whatever does not compare to your baby’s well-being.

I'd stay away for at least a couple of years

I feel terribly sorry for your aunt who doesn’t understand what she did wrong but that sympathy doesn’t extend to putting a baby in a vulnerable position
This is exactly what DF doesn’t understand. I’m sympathetic to her disability but I can’t permit her to hurt the baby or possibly transmit whatever’s causing her abscesses and lesions.

I think a halfway house would be seeing him out of his home environment, away from his caring responsibilities
That hasn’t happened in over 20 years. He doesn’t have anyone to leave her with and he won’t accept respite care because he sees his sister as his responsibility. He’s often said that no sister of his is going to be dumped with a carer. I either have to see him at home with her present or not at all.

I would visit without your DS if that possible. It doesn't sound like you're going to make headway with reasoning so I would just remove your DS from the dynamic.

If your aunt has cold sores, you know this can be fatal for babies
Now imagine the panic I felt when I opened the door to see my tiny perfect baby being lowered head first by DF into a face full of sores. I don’t know what sort of sores they are but I freaked out. I still feel sick thinking about it.

I wouldn’t be visiting again.

I went cold when you said she tried to throw him on the floor. I just wouldn't take the baby and if that means you don't see them for a while, so be it. She doesn't need "a turn" with the baby. Your dad made his choice 20 years ago.

Horribly sad situation, but point out to your DF that it is not fair to your aunt for him to put her in the position of unintentionally hurting your DS, and if he really cared about her he wouldn't let her hold ds in case something went wrong.

There is obviously something impenetrable going on between him and her, but if he won't leave her side it will be hard for him to be much of a grandad while ds is too young to look after himself. As PPs say, visit without DS. It isn't fair on anyone to have him there, and you can't have a relaxed visit unless you go without him.

No way would I visit for months / years!

Honestly I’d just meet your Dad separately. If you can’t, I wouldn’t visit. He put your baby at risk.

Such a difficult sad situation but it's really down to not putting your baby at risk.Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister

DM said this is just another example of him putting his sister first. Like he did when my gran died and he walked out on his wife and teenage daughter to provide care for his sister. Like the numerous times she cried for something and he took it off me and handed it over “because she’s disabled”. One day she decided she wanted his wedding ring and DF gave her it to keep (DM is still upset). Gran used to buy her whatever she wanted then tell DF he had to pay for it (and he did).

There’s a lot of history here. It’s been drummed into DF since childhood that his sister has to have whatever she wants “because she’s disabled”. If she wants to hug and kiss my baby she has to be allowed. DF has put her wishes ahead of mine and (what really upsets me) ahead of his grandson’s safety.

At this point I don’t know what to do. I feel cruel cutting DF off from his only remaining family (me and his grandson). He wasn’t the greatest parent but he did put me through university and pay my house deposit. I feel so ungrateful just cutting him off but I’m deeply upset and he isn’t even sorry.

OP very sorry.

"I know it seems mean but I have to put DS’s safety first." Of course you do and it does not seem at all mean.

"DF is now not speaking to me and I don’t know what to do."

I would leave him to stew in his own juices (as my mum used to say). He has behaved very irresponsibly. I would not seek his 'forgiveness' as there is nothing to forgive, of you. He should apologize and I would still not rust him with my child for 30 seconds.

"DM thinks I should forgive and forget because he’s old and could die at any time" His age is immaterial but I would make my peace with him for your own sake but not trust him.

"I don’t want to deprive DS and his grandad of knowing each other, and I shouldn’t create a regrettable rift. But I’m deeply upset and I don’t trust him with DS any more." You are not depriving your child of anything other than the risk of being hurt. Your father, however, has shot himself in the foot.

I would not give him the chance for my son to be hurt again but I would make my peace. It is none of your mum's business either, your father has let her and you down and is trying to continue doing it, just what he wants, don't let him.

Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister
It didn’t feel amazing when I was 14 and my father walked out on me and my mother because apparently his sister needed him more that I did.

It’s probably very obvious that there’s a long history of DF putting his sister ahead of me. There’s a lot of long standing resentment. But I didn’t expect him to put her ahead of my baby’s safety.

Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister

I don't agree. She presumably has no interaction with anyone else and having all demands instantly met has done her no favours either.

I can't help wondering what provision is in place if anything should happen to him, and how she'll cope.

To be fair, she isn’t capable of interaction. She’s non-verbal and doesn’t engage beyond basic hand gestures and smiling/crying.

No provision in place as far as I know. I think DF is assuming that his other sister will step up, but I doubt it given that she has no involvement with her sister now apart from a monthly visit.

You need to put the safety of your baby first.

Given that your DF has shown he can’t be trusted to prioritise the safety of your baby, I’d be visiting them without the baby or not at all.

I completely agree with you're baby's safety etc. 100%.

However... It sounds like your father has it so deeply ingrained over the last how many decades?? that his sister gets what she wants because of the limited life she must have had and therefore everyone needs to make it up to her that I don't think he's capable of seeing what he's done wrong.

He isn't capable of letting anyone INCLUDING HIMSELF before his sister, and you won't change that.

If you can find it within yourself to forgive him, then I'd go back to visiting but keep a firm grip on the baby and every time he tries to pressure you into letting his sister have the baby leave.

You did absolutely right to put your baby first. If your DF refuses to meet you out of the house, refuses to engage carers, etc, then that is his own choice. I imagine this may be very painful for you, but he can make the choice to put his grandchild and child first for a few moments, if he wishes.

The whole situation sounds very odd indeed. It sounds like his is totally enmeshed with his sister, in a very obsessive and strange way. As a pp said, it sounds like it has not been necessarily best for your aunt to have been treated like this. And it certainly hasn't been best for you, or your DM. He has failed you as a father, and it looks like he is set to fail your DS. Don't let him. And don't feel guilty about not seeing him.

I wouldn't be visiting again until baby is older and I would take him to the toilet as I did when I was alone to be perfectly honest.
Poor you and poor bubba. Not well handled by your DF, very poor judgement.
It also sounds very odd to leave his family to take care of his sister in my opinion.

I feel that you do know what to do but that you feel it will be very hard and no doubt it will be.

Your priority is your child and I know I could live with upsetting my parents and their siblings, I could not live with myself if I knowingly put my child in a dangerous situation where they were hurt badly or even worse.

Cold sores can certainly be very dangerous or fatal for babies as of course can the violent behaviour you describe. If your father will not protect your baby when you visit then the only answer is that you either do not visit or that you only visit without baby.

I would also be having some pretty strong words with him regarding the potential harm he is putting your innocent baby in just to avoid upsetting his sister.

Oh my god, no, YANBU! I can't believe your Dad.

I'd be furious.

I've actually had a similar argument with a family member of mine. My relative is schizophrenic (has violent visions and sometimes is paranoid and physically violent) and I don't want him holding my baby either. I love my relative. I have always always always pushed to have him included in everything. But no, not my baby, it would only take a moment for my baby to be hurt or killed. The fact that he wouldn't be doing it on purpose would be little fucking comfort if that happened.

I feel guilty about it, I know it hurts my relative's) and his mothers and siblings) feelings.

But absolutely fucking not...

You can't trust your father. Full stop. Never visit there again.