DF put my baby at risk. What now?

[Aeonium]

I’ve had a massive falling out with DF. Over 20 years ago he left me and DM to become a live-in carer for his sister who is severely mentally disabled. Since then we’ve made our peace and I visit with DS. However several months ago when DS was born we argued because he kept whinging that I should give his sister “a turn” with the baby. I did let her hold DS once but I was hovering nearby because she has a history of being unpredictable and violent, and I told her not to kiss him because she has scabs, sores and weeping abscesses all over including on her mouth and face. She ignored me (understandable due to her disability) and when I stopped her trying to kiss DS she lost her temper and tried to throw him on the floor. So I said I didn’t feel comfortable letting her hold DS again. I know it seems mean but I have to put DS’s safety first. DF appeared to accept this and hasn’t mentioned it again.

A couple of days ago I arrived at DF’s house desperate for the loo and handed him DS (which I never do, I always put him on the floor with his toys). As soon as DF was left unsupervised holding DS he immediately handed him to his sister and let her kiss and cuddle him. I freaked out when I saw (I was out of the room for literally 30 seconds and came back to ask DF where the loo roll was). I grabbed DS, yelled at DF and stormed out.

DF refuses to apologise. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. But he’s handed my baby to someone who’s unpredictable and has violent outbursts, who wouldn’t understand about things like not covering a baby’s face or dropping him, against my explicit wishes, while I was out of the room and not supervising. Also she’s being treated by a dermatologist because they don’t know what’s causing some of her skin lesions. Nobody knows if they’re infectious because nobody knows what they are. Other lesions could be herpes or anything, I don’t know.

I feel sympathy for her condition but I don’t think it’s healthy or pleasant for DS to be touching sores and abscesses. DF said “but she’s disabled”, which has been a lifelong excuse for her to be allowed to do whatever she wants. I don’t see why her being disabled means she has to be allowed to touch sores against my baby. And I appreciate that she just wants to cuddle the baby but he’s not a doll, and she might not mean to hurt him but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t.

DF is now not speaking to me and I don’t know what to do. DM thinks I should forgive and forget because he’s old and could die at any time, I don’t want to deprive DS and his grandad of knowing each other, and I shouldn’t create a regrettable rift. But I’m deeply upset and I don’t trust him with DS any more.

Slightly off topic - but how did your DF afford to put you through university and pay your house deposit when only working as a full time carer?
He had savings plus half of the house he shared with DM when they got divorced. He invested most of it in me, probably out of guilt because he walked away and left me.

this man is likely to be exhausted, lonely and possibly regretful
He is. He’s trapped in the house all day, every day, with a non verbal disabled person who needs constant care. He only has a normal conversation when I visit. I am literally all he has. Hence why I feel so guilty about cutting him off. I feel awful for him, have done for years. But I’m incredibly upset and angry, and I don’t (have never) seen that there’s any way I can help him.

I'll be honest...I wouldn't have given her one chance to hold my baby
It’s also been drummed into me about “being nice”. I thought she might hold the baby nicely, and it would give her such happiness, I feel so sorry for her. So against my better judgement I gave it a try. But she wouldn’t stop trying to kiss him and then she tried to fling him when she got annoyed, so that’s where I drew the line.

I am interested to know was your df leaving such a big shock to your dm or did she expect it
She said before they got married there was a huge bust up because he’d mentioned bringing his sister to live with then in the future, and DM said no, I’m not signing up for that. By the time she realised he hadn’t changed his mind she was married and had me. She was always upset about him repeatedly putting his sister (and his mother) ahead of us.

Does he ever get time off?
No. And he doesn’t want any. In the past 20 years I’ve repeatedly offered to babysit so he can have a break but he won’t because he feels responsible. He said he couldn’t even walk me down the aisle when I got married. In the end he agreed that DM could babysit an hour so he could come to my house for photos then walk down the aisle. Then he resumed responsibility and didn’t even have a break to enjoy my wedding reception, he only stayed about 2 hours.

What exactly is her diagnosis btw?
She has Downs Syndrome but is very low functioning. She can’t speak, she wears nappies, she barely walks and can only shuffle a few steps. She can’t do anything like colouring or embroidery or other hobbies. She basically stares at the wall, or at the tv even though she doesn’t understand it. She likes to hold things and look at things even if she doesn’t know what to do with them. Sort of like a baby does? Years of poor diet and no exercise plus excessive weight gain (she’s size 26 and allowed to eat anything with no limit, “because she’s disabled and it’s her only pleasure in life”) have also caused other issues such as sores, boils and abscesses, skin infections, heart disease, diabetes, etc. Some of the sores are where she picks her own skin off. She’s also bald because she pulls her own hair out one at a time.

He has always put you second to his sister, even when you were very small & no more able than her.

He had you, secretly knowing he would walk out on you when your Gran died.

I wouldn’t have wanted him to walk me down the aisle and ‘give me away’, I’d have felt he did THAT when I was 14.

I wouldn’t take DS there. He makes his choices (refusing help & respite) you make yours (to keep DS safe).

Don’t allow FOG - fear (of his or others opinion), obligations (he’s my father, she’s my aunt) guilt (uni/house deposit) to stop you acting in your or your DS’s best interest. YOU have to do what’s best for YOU and DS, because he bloody well won’t.

TRY not to stress about what DS might have ‘caught’ from her, it was (luckily) very minimal contact and I would think she’s probably been tested for herpes etc as it’s an easy one to rule out. I still wouldn’t want my baby being kissed etc by her, but I’d TRY not to worry too much about this one brief encounter.

Its hard to be the last one left and you are probably the only person that actually bothers with him. However, he has made his choice here and you can still make yours. I would not go there alone, let alone with your child, under any circumstances.

Do not, as the previous poster has rightly stated, let your FOG stop you from acting in your and your child's best interests here. He will not look out for you as has been already proven. He is inherently selfish and self centered and put his innate desire to look after his sister first. Unfortunately for both he and his sister, I maintain he has made a real hash of doing that. Not getting in any outside help has cost both he and his sister dearly.

It is an awful situation. I feel in his debt because of the house deposit etc. I feel sorry for him and bad that I can’t help him. I feel guilty because I’m all he has left. And I feel like I’m repeating what happened when I was a child - Aunty wants my possessions and I’d say “ew no, she’s smelly, bald and scabby, I don’t want to play with her or share my toys”. Then I’d cry and DF would smack me for being a nasty selfish little girl and take my stuff off me and give it to her, and more often than not she would smash it. Except this time I’m too big for him to smack.

Hi Aeonium,

re your comment:-
"It is an awful situation. I feel in his debt because of the house deposit etc. I feel sorry for him and bad that I can’t help him. I feel guilty because I’m all he has left".

You are completely mired in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. As WitchesBritches rightly puts it:-

"Don’t allow FOG - fear (of his or others opinion), obligations (he’s my father, she’s my aunt) guilt (uni/house deposit) to stop you acting in your or your DS’s best interest. YOU have to do what’s best for YOU and DS, because he bloody well won’t".

It is not a situation of your own making. This is all on him and he is no advocate to or for his sister either. It is indeed hard being the last one left but he has made his own choices here. Its NOT your fault he is the ways he is; you did not make him that way. His own parents did that. He also does not want help or support from anybody so I would let him get on with it. Do you think he feels at all sorry for you; I tell you he does not and he has never considered either your mother or you here. You've never entered into the equation; this was always about his sister and he.

I felt like vomiting when you described the situation with your baby. I think he’s done you a favour by not talking to you. It takes the pressure off

Your baby is not a doll to be played with. I don’t know what he was thinking

Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister

No he isn’t amazing; leaving your wife and daughter to care for your sister is quite a strange thing to do. If he hadn’t done that, his sister might actually have a life in a residential setting, where her health and care needs would have been addressed by professional staff.

OP, you are completely right about wanting to keep your baby safe and healthy; your dad is wrong. Your child is not a toy to be passed around. I do feel for your aunt though.

The safety of your baby aside, which btw I concur that you are totally NBU, I am concerned that your DF actually does not provide anywhere close to safe and adequate care to his sister. It almost sounds like some form of Messiah complex where he seems to revel in being so needed and his sisterly being so utterly dependent on him. However, he appears to have little real understanding of her health care needs. I find the state you described her to be in rather shocking. I’d actually call adult social services on him because he should really have some training and advice on how to take care of her. You mentioned that she has the cognitive abilities of a baby and very much appears to be kept like an albeit extremely huge baby. However, you would not allow a baby to get so unhealthily huge, or not ensure some potential therapy to stimulate her more, not have such poor hygiene, given the state of her skin and a myriad of other worrying information. Yes, it sounds a very hard and tough life but actually, he isn’t doing a good job at all and should think more about what his sister needs long-term, then his own ego/identity/martyrdom which appears so tied up with caring for her.

I feel so conflicted. On the one hand I feel like I’m being mean and discriminatory by saying she can’t hold my baby because she’s disabled. But on the other hand I truly don’t feel comfortable handing her my baby. I genuinely thought I’d post here and people would say I was being nasty and discriminating against a disabled person.

She’s so upset about not holding the baby, for months she’s pointed and wailed and I’ve ignored her, and felt cruel the whole time. And I’ve been waiting for DF to say “give her a turn” but he hasn’t since that first time. He’s been really good at handling the baby, which I didn’t expect given his past history of being a crap parent to me, and I had genuinely come to trust him. To the extent that I handed him my baby and left the room. And then he immediately handed my baby to someone who has the potential to hurt him, after I’ve specifically said no for months. It was a surprise and a shock, and brought me back down with a bump just when I thought DF was finally being sensible and redeeming himself.

@ Knittedfairies Snap, you voiced very much my own thoughts while I was typing my post!

This is sad - and I suspect springs from his childhood and feeling responsible.

He should not be responsible for her - its very sad that he has been made to and really he should be given more help

But OP neither him or his sister are your responsibility - your son is and sadly the only way forward is to put him first and stick to your very sensible rules

You aren't refusing to let her hold your baby because she is disabled but because it's simply not safe for her to hold the baby. Your judgement is correct here.

If he hadn’t done that, his sister might actually have a life in a residential setting, where her health and care needs would have been addressed by professional staff
This would have been my preference. It would have been good for her in the long term and DF would be able to have a life. But DF thinks (like Gran did) that she’ll just be stuck in a corner of a care home and left to sit in her own effluent. That’s why he feels responsible for looking after her.

I find the state you described her to be in rather shocking
It is quite shocking. Though she was like that for decades before DF looked after her. That was Gran’s doing. DF does look after her well and she has medical care and regular visits from SS. But they appear to have agreed that its best for her to continue to be kept in the manner she was used to with Gran for nearly 40 years. Perhaps it’s just cheaper for them to tick a box to say she’s safe and not have to spend their budget on her.

But you're not stopping her holding your baby because she's disabled, you're stopping her because she will hurt him. 'because she's disabled' doesn't mean her rights trump everyone else's, yes she should have the same rights as a non disabled person but not more.

'because she's disabled' doesn't mean her rights trump everyone else's
But that’s not what has been drummed into all of us for our entire lives. Exactly the opposite in fact - she has to have whatever she wants because she’s disabled. She’s very limited so everything within her limits must be permitted because that’s all she’s got. DF doesn’t like that I’ve drawn the line at handing over my baby. 30 years ago he would just have smacked me for refusing and handed him over.

In the nicest possible way, her wants and needs are not your problem. If your mum has experienced this too when you were little she has no right to guilt trip you about being all your dad has. Either don't take him or if you do just hang onto him yourself.

I know her wants and needs aren’t my problem. But I’m concerned about DF’s wants and needs, and DS’s. I’m so angry with DF I could happily go NC. But he’s my DF and DS is his grandson. I don’t want to deprive DS of a relationship with his grandad but I have no idea how to approach him given that he isn’t sorry and I’m still furious. Or even if I should.

YAsoNBU.

She is not safe. Safeguarding is exempt from a lot of equalities legislation for good reason. You are allowed to discriminate for reasons of safety. EG you would not think it nasty discrimation to ban partially sighted people from driving for example. Her condition makes her unsafe around babies and you have a duty to protect DS.

It sounds like he will stuggle to physically care for her soon if he isn't already. She is very large and he is getting older. How much longer will he be able to move her about, change her underwear, resist her attacks etc?

What would be his reaction if she seriously hurt or killed your DS? Would he blame himself? Would he even be sorry?

Sounds like he was never sorry about your possessions.

Speaking as a grandparent here, it will not harm your DS not to have a relationship with his grandfather.

Grandparents can enhance family life, but sadly that's not always the case.

He would have smacked you and handed it over - so wait this is the first time you have ever stood up to him

I think you need counselling, however sad and awful your Aunts life has been it should never have been an excuse to treat you like a second class citizen.

For now stand your ground and put your DS first

"I’m so angry with DF I could happily go NC. But he’s my DF and DS is his grandson. I don’t want to deprive DS of a relationship with his grandad but I have no idea how to approach him given that he isn’t sorry and I’m still furious. Or even if I should".

You are trying to fit "normal" rules of familial interactions to a dysfunctional family unit. It does not work and besides which the normal rules go out the window when it comes to such families.
You are not depriving your son of anything here because there is no relationship to speak of. Your son does not have a relationship with his grandad because said grandad's only focus in life is his sister. Your son also needs positive and life affirming role models and your father is clearly neither. Not all relative are nice and kind and your father was clearly not a good parent to you when you were growing up. He has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood and he was never sorry for you or your damaged possessions.

I don't think YABU in relation to aunt holding the baby but I find your visceral dislike of your aunt and your description of her distasteful

Sounds like he was never sorry about your possessions
Nope. She’s disabled so that made it ok for her to keep or destroy my stuff if she wanted to. Because I was capable of going out to play and she wasn’t therefore I should give her my doll.

wait this is the first time you have ever stood up to him
Last time was when I got engaged. I showed him the ring and he told me to show her because she likes to be involved. She clapped and nodded, then tried to take the ring off my hand. I said no and she kicked off. In the end DF said just let her look at it to keep her quiet. So I did. Which was fine until I wanted to go home and she wouldn’t give it back. Even DF couldn’t make her hand it over. So I had to leave it and DF had to sneak it off her when she went to sleep. Although initially his attitude was “just let her borrow it, she’ll get bored of it next week and I’ll get it back”. I had to insist that no, I want it back tonight. He thought I was being ridiculous because she won’t hurt it and it isn’t urgent.

It sounds like he will stuggle to physically care for her soon if he isn't already. She is very large and he is getting older. How much longer will he be able to move her about, change her underwear, resist her attacks etc?
I’ve wondered this myself. He’s getting old and has a gammy leg. He already needs her cooperation to get her into the bath, which is why she isn’t very clean because she often refuses, and you can’t physically force a person who’s bigger than you. He’s still amazingly strong because he lifts her all the time, but who knows how long he’ll be capable? As far as I know there is no plan in place for if he dies first.