DF put my baby at risk. What now?

[Aeonium]

I’ve had a massive falling out with DF. Over 20 years ago he left me and DM to become a live-in carer for his sister who is severely mentally disabled. Since then we’ve made our peace and I visit with DS. However several months ago when DS was born we argued because he kept whinging that I should give his sister “a turn” with the baby. I did let her hold DS once but I was hovering nearby because she has a history of being unpredictable and violent, and I told her not to kiss him because she has scabs, sores and weeping abscesses all over including on her mouth and face. She ignored me (understandable due to her disability) and when I stopped her trying to kiss DS she lost her temper and tried to throw him on the floor. So I said I didn’t feel comfortable letting her hold DS again. I know it seems mean but I have to put DS’s safety first. DF appeared to accept this and hasn’t mentioned it again.

A couple of days ago I arrived at DF’s house desperate for the loo and handed him DS (which I never do, I always put him on the floor with his toys). As soon as DF was left unsupervised holding DS he immediately handed him to his sister and let her kiss and cuddle him. I freaked out when I saw (I was out of the room for literally 30 seconds and came back to ask DF where the loo roll was). I grabbed DS, yelled at DF and stormed out.

DF refuses to apologise. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. But he’s handed my baby to someone who’s unpredictable and has violent outbursts, who wouldn’t understand about things like not covering a baby’s face or dropping him, against my explicit wishes, while I was out of the room and not supervising. Also she’s being treated by a dermatologist because they don’t know what’s causing some of her skin lesions. Nobody knows if they’re infectious because nobody knows what they are. Other lesions could be herpes or anything, I don’t know.

I feel sympathy for her condition but I don’t think it’s healthy or pleasant for DS to be touching sores and abscesses. DF said “but she’s disabled”, which has been a lifelong excuse for her to be allowed to do whatever she wants. I don’t see why her being disabled means she has to be allowed to touch sores against my baby. And I appreciate that she just wants to cuddle the baby but he’s not a doll, and she might not mean to hurt him but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t.

DF is now not speaking to me and I don’t know what to do. DM thinks I should forgive and forget because he’s old and could die at any time, I don’t want to deprive DS and his grandad of knowing each other, and I shouldn’t create a regrettable rift. But I’m deeply upset and I don’t trust him with DS any more.

Protect your child and visit on your own.

Slightly off topic - but how did your DF afford to put you through university and pay your house deposit when only working as a full time carer?

Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister

I don't agree. She presumably has no interaction with anyone else and having all demands instantly met has done her no favours either.

In a perfect world yes the reality of a what happens is she would end up in supported housing with a care company in horrendously run down rental property. With people on minimum wage who don't care about her stuck in front of the tele all day .funding is cut and cut they can be stuck in for DAYS on end and they don't get funded for 1 2 1 support. At least 3 people will similar needs get put together in one house with minimum staff .
I apologise to op if it come across a insenative as she practically lost her dad at 14 . Would bet his parents would of drummed into him that he have to look after her after they have gone .I don't think there are many people who could cope with someone with such needs 24/7 for 20 years . Sad sad situtaion

Whilst you are of course in the right here, I feel sorry for your dad

Yes I also think he sounds pretty amazing. I'm sorry he left you and your mum op, but clearly something wasn't right in the marriage. I doubt he and your mum were deliriously happy. To have dedicated his life to his sister is selfless indeed.

That said, he put your baby into a potentially dangerous situation. I doubt he would see it that way though. If he was here would he say that she wouldn't harm the baby, that he recognises the behaviours that precede violence, that he was near enough to step in if needed? It doesn't matter of course, he went against your wishes. It wouldn't stop me visiting but it would stop me leaving my baby with him.

And just to put your mind at rest about the facial lesions : they can't be cold sores, or anything else contagious really, or the doctor would have been able to make an easy diagnosis. Skin viruses and infections are easily identified and treated.

It sounds a strange situation. I don't get your DFs decision at all but you are right to prioritize your DS's safety.

So your dad does all her intimate care? No carers at all?

It's an unusual situation.

Where are your boundaries here re your Dad?. You need to again look at these and firmly apply them. I would never visit there again. It was a mistake to visit albeit to even to use their loo given what happened previously. Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparents as role models and neither he or your mother (she has brushed aside your concerns and made platitudes) for that matter fits the bill.

Your dad cannot be inherently trusted in his judgment because he uses his sister's disabilities as his default setting to deflect blame from his actions. He has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility here and he will not do so either.

I do not think he sounds amazing either. More like selfish to a fault along with being mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his sister. He left his wife and child when she was 14 to "care" for her. And he has made a complete hash of it, he has certainly not covered himself in glory here. There are no prizes for martyring yourself as he has done.

Your father has stated probably more than once that no sister of his is going to be dumped with a carer. But that is precisely what has happened. She has been dumped onto her brother, someone who seem to have no idea what he is doing. He is someone who remains well out of his depth, will not accept any outside help and what he has done also by enabling his sister is to give him a false sense of control. He has not helped her either and what is going to happen to her when he dies?. His wife and you as his daughter were thrown under the bus because of this guilt tripping from his parents. What he chooses to forget here is that he took that role on in all likelihood because their parents instilled it into him that he would have to look after her after they had died.

I too think it's odd for your father to be a full time carer to his sister. Part time I would understand. Does he ever get time off? I cared for an elderly relative and loved doing it but I didn't do it on my own. Carers came in and we worked out who was the best.

Surely, even though your dad is immersed in the situation, he can see it is not healthy for someone with suppurating sores to be cuddling and kissing your baby.

I think your dad needs well earned time off and that he can see his grandchild without his sister being present. What exactly is her diagnosis btw?

Your df made a choice about how to parent you when you were 14.

You in turn chose how to parent your dc.

Your df lost his rights as a gf when he walked out on you.

When your dm first started going out with your father did she know what would happen to his dsis if anything happened to the parents.

It is just that I went out with a guy when I was very young and he had a db who had severe autism who was also non verbal and completely dependent on the parents for everything.

As I got to know him it became clear that he would be looking after his db for life.

Lovely guy but at 16 I ran a mile. I could see even then a similar situation happening. I think others could see it too and I felt desperately sorry for him. Learned recently he was looking after his db and had never married.

I am interested to know was your df leaving such a big shock to your dm or did she expect it.

There's not even a chance YABU. You are behaving like a decent mother would.

I'll be honest...I wouldn't have given her one chance to hold my baby.

It's obvious your mum and family are lower down on his list of priorities.

I'd be fuming and I'd stay away from my dad if it was me. He'll end up as a lonely old man.

Visit on your own

Can I just add what an amazing person he is to practically give up his life to look after his sister

At the expense of his children's security and happiness?

Glitz it up all you like but leaving his wife and DC was shitty and OP deserves to have her upset and her validated, not hear what a diamond her DF is.

OP, you know you're right, you know your family dynamic isn't safe for your baby. You are absolutely within your rights to never visit there again. Your Dad can't distinguish what's safe or not so simply can't be allowed to be in charge of a baby. Not ever.

I agree with Sleeping

It sounds like your father has it so deeply ingrained over the last how many decades?? that his sister gets what she wants because of the limited life she must have had and therefore everyone needs to make it up to her that I don't think he's capable of seeing what he's done wrong.

Your poor dad. He must be exhausted looking after his sister and his priorities are very skewed.

However, YANBU. Tell, your dad that cold sores can be fatal to babies. Refuse to let his sister hold the baby. Always keep baby in your sight when you visit him - if you do.

Very tricky situation.

YANBU. Don’t take your baby there again. Leave him with your DM and visit. Visiting could kill your child. I know somebody who lost their 9week old baby because somebody with a cold sore kissed him on the lips. No excuses. No being the bigger person whatever it’s just a big fat fucking NO.
Your DF is unreasonable and obsessed with his sister. Quite frankly it’s weird and unhealthy for everybody and to abandon his own child. No no no. Seek counselling for yourself to find a way to put your dysfunctional family behind you. Focus on your son and keep that baby safe. Anyone argues you tell them to write their problem onhere and I’ll tell them what’s what.

"Glitz it up all you like but leaving his wife and DC was shitty"

"Your df lost his rights as a gf when he walked out on you."

Don't be daft, people separate all the time. This board alone is teeming with women who want to leave relationships and are generally encouraged to do it. There's no way he left a happy, contented, loving marriage to care for his sister, it's just that op doesn't know the ins and outs of it.

He may have been a shitty dad since then, I don't know, although he has at least been quite generous to op financially.

Having cared for someone part time for a period of months, this man is likely to be exhausted, lonely and possibly regretful. He's made his choices of course, and none of it excuses handing a baby to someone who the mother has expressly forbidden from holding the baby, but some of the comments levelled against him are unfair and inflammatory imo.

Maybe I'm really old fashioned but I always thought when you married and had children you put their needs first.

If you re entered this situation and his sister threw the baby and he was taken to hospital what do you think ss would say?? esp as she tried to throw him before??
You would be accused of not protecting him and that as a mother is your main job above other family loyalties. SAying that its dreadful that your dad put you in that situation, its bad enough she has scabs let alone tried to throw the baby!! Iv worked with adults with learning difficulties and know that family feel a lot of loyalities towards that family member, etc etc but your doing right by your baby and thats the main thing.

You cannot trust your father to make suitable choices. He doesn't even seem to realise the baby can't fend for himself because he's a baby. Put yourself and your child first.

I dont have anything to add woth regards to advice, but i would like to say op that you have your head screwed on and that your baby is lucky to have you as his mum.

You did not cause a "rift", your father is sulking because you won't allow him to ignore your wishes.

Your mother does not get to decide on your response. You make your own decisions.

Your father has chosen not to speak to you. Your DS is not missing out on getting to know someone so petulant who causes you stress.

Your duty isn’t to your father or his sister - it’s to your lovely baby. And if your dad can’t understand that, that’s his problem. You didn’t overreact at all - I would have done exactly the same thing in your shoes. If you visit your dad and aunt in the future, I wouldn’t take the baby along. Just don’t bring him into the equation.

It sounds like your father has it so deeply ingrained over the last how many decades?? that his sister gets what she wants because of the limited life she must have had and therefore everyone needs to make it up to her
This is exactly it. My Gran’s attitude was that she’s severely disabled therefore she has to have whatever she wants to make up for that, and we all have to put her first because we can walk out of the door and enjoy our lives but she can’t. It was drummed into DF from being a child, for 50 years until Gran died. He’s completely incapable of seeing that there’s any situation in which she shouldn’t have her own way. Even if it means handing her a baby to shake. DM has told me for the first time that when I was a baby DF and Gran expected me to be handed to my aunt too, and there was a lot of trouble because DM was frightened she’d hurt me.

Would bet his parents would of drummed into him that he have to look after her after they have gone
That description of state funded care is pretty much what Gran was terrified of happening to my aunt. Yes she drummed it in that the family would have to care for her. My aunt did receive respite care a few times, maybe 30-40 years ago. One time she escaped and a stranger took her to the police. Another time a mentally disabled male co-tenant took an unhealthy interest in her and eventually tried to force himself on her. After those incidents my Gran refused any kind of external care or help. Which is why DF has this attitude that she must be cared for by family even if it means giving up his own life. As he said when he walked out, she’s an obligation and you (me aged 14) can look after yourself but she can’t.

If he was here would he say that she wouldn't harm the baby
Yes of course. He’d say don’t be ridiculous, she won’t harm your dolly baby, give her a turn. Which is what he used to say 30 years ago just before she ripped my doll apart. Back then if I’d refused he’d have just taken the doll from me by force and given her it, and I’d have been told off for being mean “because she’s disabled”. You can go out to play, you can go to school, you can grow up, but she can’t, so stop being nasty and give her what little she can have.

Honestly it's horrible, but I think you need to make peace with the fact that your DF will always put your aunt first, and take whatever steps you need to, in order to process and deal with that.
So, visits by yourself, or insisting he visits you alone (and if he doesn't, that's his choice,) etc. If you do decide that you need to go no contact in order to get closure for yourself though and move on emotionally and let go of what you wish he'd been for you, (I'm projecting here a bit from my own experiences, haha,) don't let anyone pressure you with him being old and could die soon. Anyone could die at any time, and everyone will die eventually, and that doesn't mean you have to force yourself to continue relationships that end up hurting you more than they buoy you up.

Just don't take your poor baby round to his house any more. You can still visit him and you can make it clear that he is welcome to see his grandson any time he likes as long as he's prepared to come to you, but my blood ran cold when I read that your aunt had tried to throw the baby on the floor, and I don't even have kids. I wouldn't give one of my pets to hold to a person who might harm them, however unintentionally, let alone a little person!

I am reminded of a boy in my year at primary school who had a slight disability, although he was still able to walk unassisted, talk, and learn at the same level as his peers. He just had a congenital deformity in one of his legs. But as far as the teachers were concerned, he had carte blanche to hit, kick and verbally abuse other children, as well as getting exclusive access to the computers and (slightly petty gripe time) the keyboards in the music room (it was the 80s, these things were exciting back then). If you tried to challenge him, the answer would be "but he's disabled!" It sounds like your DF has absolutely internalised that message and has devoted his life to living by it. Unlike other PP, I don't think that's especially admirable, if it's meant that he has neglected everyone else in his life and he's prepared to endanger his grandchild's safety just to indulge his sister.