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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD about DP having a mental breakdown?

102 replies

Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 00:57

Basically I can see that DP has had a mental breakdown. Over the past few years he has been depressed and stressed and this has led to him making some bad choices. He is completely distraught that he has done this. However he has terrible mood swings and calls me horrible names and blames me for a lot of things which in his more lucid moments he knows aren’t true. It’s hurtful and upsetting and I am angry with him and I don’t know what to do to help him. Any advice would be great thank you.

OP posts:
stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:01

Can you say what sort of bad choices he’s made?

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:03

A relationship with a woman crossed the line. I know the full extent of what happened and I am really heartbroken but I also have to look at it in context.

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 21/10/2018 01:03

Will he go to the dr?

stellabird · 21/10/2018 01:06

You can't fix this - he needs to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. First step would be the GP for a referral. If he is reluctant you might need to use some gentle persuasion like telling him you'll be leaving if he doesn't see someone.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:12

He has seen a psychologist and was doing really well but he had a massive relapse in the past few days. I feel like I have stuck by him but I have also allowed my feelings of anger and betrayal get the better of me and that has made him worse. I feel like I have been treated terribly but that I am also a terrible person.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 01:12

He needs to seek medical support. If he refuses...I'd have to end the relationship. Life's too short to live like that.

stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:14

Sorry if I appear to be digging.... but what other symptoms has he displayed?
This information may help us to advise on your best course of action.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:18

Symptoms include anxiety, depression, mood wings, paranoia.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2018 01:19

There’s only so much you can be expected to put up with and cheating, breaking your heart, calling you horrible things and blaming you for things which aren’t true is too much, IMO.

It’s not your job to fix him at the expense of your own well-being.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:21

Is it fair to leave him when he is so ill though? The main trigger is when we talk about splitting. He can’t cope with it at all.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 21/10/2018 01:22

Hi OP, awfully sorry but you must get him to his GP. This really is not your problem to fix.

I am only up with something similar and I desperately feel for you.

stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:25

In that case, you have to insist that he gets professional help before this impacts negatively on your own well-being any further.
Obviously you are going to have to carefully select when to have a discussion around this (i.e - during the ‘lucid’ moments you mention) but you have to consider your own needs too.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:30

He has been seeing a physiologist but the progress has been hindered by a couple of setbacks he has had. I wonder if I need to let his boss at work know. He is adamant that he’s leaving in the morning. I think he is too fragile to be on his own at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:31

Psychologist, not whatever I wrote before. I am tired.

OP posts:
stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:33

Is he self-medicating with alcohol/drugs?

stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:34

Or taking any prescribed medication?

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:35

He was drinking for a while, just before everything came out into the open but he has stopped now. He wasn’t drinking massively but enough to try to mask the pain. He says he wanted me to realise what was happening with this other person. I had to stop her from contacting him and he said the relief was immense.

OP posts:
Graphista · 21/10/2018 01:36

What diagnosis if any does he have? Because honestly to me (a little knowledge no expert) it sounds like you may be dealing with bipolar disorder.

He needs to see a psychiatrist not a psychologist because he needs a clinical diagnosis and probably medication and treatment beyond simple talk therapy. The talk therapy won't work well enough if the rest isn't in place.

Have you contacted crisis team?

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 01:45

He has had a diagnosis of depression and anxiety which is being treated with talking therapy. He told me and the psychologist a lie which I then found out and which has triggered a massive relapse. He knows he has to tell the psychologist the truth now and I think that is making him reluctant to have the treatments. I will google bipolar.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 02:50

My ex was like this, and gave him multiple chances. I wished i hadn't. It ended up with him getting violent and me having to call the police to have him removed from the house.

Mental illness does not absolve him of abuse.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2018 04:21

Get out and run like hell. You aren't responsible for "fixing" him. You never will and nothing will ever change.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 06:20

I know that I have every right to leave but if I don’t help him I don’t know who will. I wouldn’t leave if he was physically ill and I am wondering if it is fair to leave just because the illness is mental. It isn’t nice to be called names but I don’t recognise the person he is when he is ill so I don’t really take it to heart. That probably seems odd but it’s true.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 21/10/2018 06:29

You can't help him though. Staying with him won't make him 'better' and it will give him the opportunity to keep abusing you which will perpetuate his behaviour.
You are not responsible for him. He is making you feel responsible (you had to stop him seeing the other woman!?) but this is a profoundly unhelpful dynamic for both of you.
He needs to rely on his friends and family to support him, and professionals to treat his mental health conditions. You need to leave him and recover yourself from this abusive relationship.

Bollocksitshappenedagain · 21/10/2018 06:34

Do you have children? My stbxh has issues with alcohol. He also has anxiety and depression.

I have left him mainly because of the alcohol but I do at times feel guilt and think well was that caused by the depression and anxiety and I'm being unreasonable.

However the reality is that it was impacting mine and the children's life. My dd (10) would spend all her time in her room but that's not the case any more. I hadn't realised how stressed I felt all the time - that has gone.

I think what it boils down to is whether he is using this to manipulate you. For example why would anxiety cause him to have an inappropriate relationship with someone else. And whenever you try and discuss it pulling in the emotional heart strings.

I think if you are to continue then he needs to be serious about solving issues and working on it.

I mainly felt mine didn't - he didn't seem to take much responsibility for his own health and I just could not cope with managing that on top of everything else.

NotTheFordType · 21/10/2018 07:20

He told me and the psychologist a lie which I then found out and which has triggered a massive relapse.

🙄

Relapse or "oh fuck I've been rumbled"?

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