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Original poster

WWYD about DP having a mental breakdown?

102 replies

Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 00:57

Basically I can see that DP has had a mental breakdown. Over the past few years he has been depressed and stressed and this has led to him making some bad choices. He is completely distraught that he has done this. However he has terrible mood swings and calls me horrible names and blames me for a lot of things which in his more lucid moments he knows aren’t true. It’s hurtful and upsetting and I am angry with him and I don’t know what to do to help him. Any advice would be great thank you.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/10/2018 07:50

Relapse or "oh fuck I've been rumbled"?

Yeah exactly. Dont rule out manipulation when he has these episodes. He knows it's a guaranteed way to shut you up.

I'm not saying he's not being genuine as he could be. He also could be over egging the pudding a bit.

PhillyJoe · 21/10/2018 07:51

It's so hard to end a relationship when someone has mental health issues. However, people still have to be responsible for their actions and that includes allowing himself to be abusive to you.

I am in a similar situation to you at the moment and it is really hard to end it when my husband is saying that he's really very depressed and that's why he has been a controlling twat for years. That may be true but the damage he's done to our relationship is not something I think I can recover from. So I am pushing to separate even though it now looks like I am the "bad" one for hurting him when he is vulnerable.

If the relationship doesn't work for you, you don't have to stay in it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/10/2018 08:09

Call me a cynic, but these relapses all seem terribly convenient for him.

Affair = breakdown.
Caught out lying = relapse
You discuss separating = relapse every bloody time. .
Anything he doesn't like or that makes him responsible for his own actions = relapse.

Treat you like shit = not my fault I'm ill.
Too cowardly to dump ow = can't do it I'm ill.

LemonTT · 21/10/2018 08:22

If he is that ill he will have been offered medication and strongly advised to take it. I would be insisting that he does and that he improves his lifestyle. If he isn’t trying to get better, nothing you will or can do is going to change that. He needs medical help.

He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. That doesn’t cause affairs or abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 08:42

"I know that I have every right to leave but if I don’t help him I don’t know who will".

Who taught you how to be a rescuer (your parents perhaps) and why do you think you at all qualified to help him here. You are not and what you have tried to date has not worked.

You are not responsible for his actions now or ever. You are also far too close to the situation to be of any real use to him here, not that he wants your help anyway. Having MH issues does not give him a hall pass to abuse you and otherwise denigrate you as a person.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and currently at least you are being both and for your own reasons as well. Neither approach works and he is basically now dragging you down with him.

Doyoumind · 21/10/2018 08:50

Sorry but I'm also cynical. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety is not an excuse for all behaviours. I would be very careful that you aren't being manipulated here. It all sounds like emotional abuse.

Is he really seeing a psychologist or just a psychotherapist or counsellor? Is he going through the NHS or privately? I'm sorry for him if he is genuinely ill. I have been in dark places and been referred to counselling in the past. But I have also lived with emotional abuse.

For your own sake I would leave.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/10/2018 09:00

My dh has bipolar. Only thing that helped in a breakdown was admittance to hospital with time to get a full diagnosis and time to begin meds and monitor reaction.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 09:04

He is definitely mentallly ill. He’s seeing a psychologist who is extremely good and has made that diagnosis.
Perhaps I am a rescuer but I feel that I have made a commitment to him and I should support him, not least for the sake of my DC. He has had a lot of problems in his life and I think this breakdown was inevitable to some extent. I wish I knew what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 21/10/2018 09:21

It's all about him, isn't it, and never about you and how his affair and drinking has made you feel. Maybe he does have depression. Crossing boundaries with other women isn't a symptom of depression, but I suppose this excuse has worked really well for him so far. If you ever feel sad, or angry, or ask difficult questions, he can just feign a breakdown and that puts you nicely back in your place. I feel really sorry for you. You obviously love him very much but the way he is treating you is not ok and you need to look after yourself rather than him.

My XH claimed he had depression after he had his affair and realised that I was actually going to leave him. He insinuated that he might hurt himself (because this had worked well for him before - I behaved a bit like you are now). Funnily enough his depression cleared straight up once the strategy didn't work. He was out having the time of his life on nights out with mates and women within days and is still merrily going about his life years later.

grabola · 21/10/2018 09:22

Unless he's really delusional (psychotic) or highly suicidal at the moment - in which case he especially needs clinical help - there is no need to stay. His breaking down and your staying seems to be part of a pattern.
Sometimes you just have to be strong and make a terrifying decision like "taking a break", even if it's not forever. Important for your own sense of self (which seems to have been completely run down if you're ready to accept cheating and still see him as the victim) and possibly the best thing you can do for the both of you.
Whatever the effect, at least a (short) breakup will break this unchanging downward spiral. Don't get sucked in, it's so toxic and you will cry so much about wasting your life in a few years.
Give him and yourself a chance. Leave, but be firm. Set yourself a deadline. Like: "two months before I reconsider" Then 3 months. Etc. The only way you can have the slightest control or hope to change the situation is by not being the situation any more.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 09:34

Thank you. There has been some brilliance advice on here. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 21/10/2018 09:40

It’s also perfectly acceptable to leave somebody who is ill, physical or not. Lots of people have chronic illnesses and disabilities. They don’t get dispensation to keep their partner for ever. You have a choice. To stay in which case you aren’t helping him. Or to leave and help yourself.

As above if he is having a suicidal episode or psychotic break call an ambulance or contact his care team. You are not qualified to deal with his illness. Neither are we so I’m not sure what you want from the post.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 09:48

I just want some opinions Lemon.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 21/10/2018 10:07

I saw my dad have two mental breakdowns when I was a child. He couldn't function let alone go to work and was in hospital for months. This doesn't sound like a breakdown, it sounds like anxiety and depression with a massive helping of self pity. He's being manipulative and expecting you to enable him in his behaviour. He had an affair and is abusive and is using his mental health as an excuse. There's no excuse there. I'd leave. Does he take any drugs?

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 10:11

He doesn’t take drugs.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 21/10/2018 10:12

You've got children?
Fucking hell. You need to leave him for the sake of your children! For goodness sake.

Elllicam · 21/10/2018 10:16

I would leave, it does sound like all these relapses are very convenient for making you do exactly what he wants/getting him out of trouble.

LemonTT · 21/10/2018 10:35

You need to focus on being a parent away from your DP.

Your DP needs to get himself better away from his family. Therapy isn’t working and his behaviour is harming everyone. Healthcare professionals will help him and he should be seeing more than psychologist.

Your children don’t need to see a cheating, abusive and coercive parental role model. They don’t need a difficult childhood to match their fathers “life problems”. Which are no excuse for his behaviour.

The advice, tell him to leave.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 10:39

The DC don’t know that he’s cheated and there is no need for them to ever know it. I have protected them as much as I can but I appreciate that’s not always possible and they will see behaviour that I wouldn’t want them to copy.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 21/10/2018 10:41

It's not about copying behaviour it's about the atmosphere they live in and the lessons they are learning about relationships. It's very damaging.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 10:50

I am really aware of that. It fills me with guilt.

OP posts:
Mouseville65 · 21/10/2018 11:24

Please don't feel guilt, you have stood by him through things most people wouldn't.

You do have to take care of yourself though - you don't deserve this pain.

My DP was treating me badly and all my friends and family were telling me to leave, that I deserved better but I knew there was more to it than just he was a bad guy so I supported him through counselling and it was hard BUT I would not of supported him if he had cheated on me - anxiety and depression doesn't excuse that.

If you happy Stay but if your staying through guilt pack your bags and go - you don't owe your DH YOUR mental well-being x

grabola · 21/10/2018 11:24

Meant in the nicest way, stop feeling guilty and do something it in that case... Ideally, he would be the one to leave for a bit. But seeing that he's got manchild levels of self-control and self-awareness, from what you've told us, you're prob the only one who can do something to change the situation. Do anything but just change something. Maybe you could start with a holiday to reflect? I suppose he's too "vulnerable" to be able to look after the kids on his own for a bit? It that's the case do you have parents you can go to for a while, or who you can send the kids to? You need perspective and clarity. The only way to get this is by distancing yourself physically from the problem. You might be just as dependent on him as he is on you, but please understand it's the best thing you can do for yourself, the kids, and him too (if you really care so much). Perspective us everything. That and getting back some mental independence, which you dont seem to have at the moment.

PrincessScarlett · 21/10/2018 11:27

Just because he is mentally ill that is no excuse for him cheating and treating you like he is. It is incredibly unfair on you to have to be the strong person to fix him when your heart has been broken and you need support too, which you will never get from him.

As for your DC not knowing he has cheated or how he treats you, kids are not stupid. They pick up on atmospheres, overhear things and misinterpret/misunderstand situations, all of which is damaging beyond belief.

I know you want to fix your DP but you really need to put your DC first, particularly if there is no sign of improvement and your DP keeps "relapsing". If your DP has genuine mental health problems he needs to understand that he needs to help himself and not rely on you. Maybe you could have a planned temporary separation to give DP the space to concentrate on getting himself better without the distraction of everyday life and to give you and DC the space you need to heal and come to terms with the situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

NotANotMan · 21/10/2018 11:45

What's the point of guilt if you don't take action to protect from now on?