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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD about DP having a mental breakdown?

102 replies

Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 00:57

Basically I can see that DP has had a mental breakdown. Over the past few years he has been depressed and stressed and this has led to him making some bad choices. He is completely distraught that he has done this. However he has terrible mood swings and calls me horrible names and blames me for a lot of things which in his more lucid moments he knows aren’t true. It’s hurtful and upsetting and I am angry with him and I don’t know what to do to help him. Any advice would be great thank you.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 15:16

@grabola

With respect, this bears no semblance with what you said whatsoever.

You were talking about counselling..not medication. You said a psychologist was the most basic form of counselling training. That's wrong. Stop trying to wriggle out of it and accept you were wrong. My DH does this and it's very annoying.

I mean that in a psych ward the one who has authority is the psychiatrist. The clinical psychologist, who can also be trained as a psychoanalyst, do not have the authority to deliver medicine

It's also not a case of 'the one who has authority.' They work as a multidisciplinary team, each being the expert in their respective professional areas

It's prescribing medication not delivering it.

Honestly.... from what you say, you don't understand this...so it's best to stick to practical advice which can be really valuable ...not stating incorrect facts and
backtracking.

grabola · 21/10/2018 16:14

Sorry for triggering you, @SandyY2K
All I've been trying to say from the start is, it's stupid (and dangerous) to fetichize a mental health profession or a MH diagnosis for that matter. Each branch in the field is often self-important and authoritative, as this little conversation demonstrates.
My only intention was actually to help the OP with a comment I found potentially guilt-inducing. If you can't see this, then you're not trying very hard. Please show respect instead of professing it. Sorry if I hurt the psychologists' feelings out there.No harm intended. Peace.

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 17:33

Mental. Illness. Does. Not. Absolve. People. Of. Abuse.

You are not responsible for dealing with this asshole. You've got kids for fucks sake. Put them first.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 17:45

penisbeakers That’s such a harsh post, especially as I have ended my decades long relationship today. I always put my DC first.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 18:12

Glad to hear it.

My ex behaved like this and actually had a child of his own and didn't want to take responsibility for. He thought he could just dip and out of his life, and actually said that he thought his own life was more important than his sons. He was mentally ill and would use it as an excuse to be a weapons grade asshole. His son doesn't have anything to do with him now thank god.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 18:22

I am sorry to hear that penisbeakers but that’s very different to my DP’s relationship with his DC. For all his faults he loves his DC and their happiness is his and mine absolute priority. We’ve only told one of them what’s going on (the other is at a sleepover) and while DP has been away from the family home he’s sent reassuring texts to to DC1 telling him how much he loves him. He also said I deserve better than him.

OP posts:
gendercritter · 21/10/2018 20:44

Well done op. I know it takes courage but you've absolutely done the right thing. I hope the coming weeks are ok.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 20:53

Thank you gendercritter. It’s a horrendous thing to go through.

OP posts:
grabola · 21/10/2018 21:21

Are you afraid of what he might do or are you sad that he is not with you? You said he accepted to leave. Do you know where he is staying? Does he have something planned to fall back on or is he just waiting until you take him back?

grabola · 21/10/2018 21:27

Are you feeling horrendous because you feel under pressure lest something happen to him?

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 21:30

I don’t feel under pressure. I am in shock and grieving for our relationship. He has told me where he is staying and assured me he will be OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 21:36

He said he will get a flat if that’s what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 21:44

I have to be honest though and say I am worried about him. He has been in such a state. Last night he couldn’t sleep until I held him really tight. I can’t imagine how he will get on tonight but I have to do this.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 21/10/2018 21:48

I’m sorry, this must be so hard for you . You love both your partner and your children and you feel that you’ve had to choose between them.

No wonder you are worried sick. Flowers

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 22:04

I used to get the feel sorry for me routine too, "I'm trash and I'm bad for you etc etc."

Initially I tried to placate him and highlighted good points, until I realised he only ever did good things if he thought he'd get something good in return.

Anyway I hope you manage to keep things separate and you can move forward to parent even if you're not a couple now.

LemonTT · 21/10/2018 22:48

PartnerProblem
A lot of us have been through the ringer with a loved who has MH problems. It is painful and soul destroying without an affair and all the behaviour you have experienced. My own experience was that i spent many months of struggling to support him. But it clear that he was taking the illness seriously enough to get a proper diagnosis and follow a treatment plan. He said he was but he wasn't getting any better and a lot of it didn't make sense. He basically prevaricated a lot and excluded me. Because of that I had weeks of hurtful behaviour, but it was nowhere near as bad as yours. I knew he was scared of the diagnosis and of the treatment.

I did the ultimatum telling him to get it sorted. I think he realised he couldn't go on either. He complied with the treatment recommended, medication, exercise and therapy. The impact was transformational and he finally involved me in his decisions about the treatment.

So I think you are doing the right thing. First by not exposing your children to this. Then by making him face up to the illness, as an illness and not an excuse for the way he is living and his mistakes. He has done a terrible thing by cheating on you. You need to be able to decide what that means to you without his coercive behaviour.

The distance means you can be there for your children and have space to consider all of this and what you want to do. If you want to help him, you still can. As others have suggested you need to find out more about his illness and how you can respond to it positively.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 23:01

Does he have family who can support him? You have enough to deal with in looking after your DC.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 23:04

@grabola

You don't get it... but that's evident from your posts. No worries.

grabola · 21/10/2018 23:04

OP, it's very sad I can imagine what you're going through. In some ways he is like a vulnerable child. But he is not a child, don't forget. And there is no way he should get to be be both your husband and your sweet, suffering child. Either he gets one or the other, never both. While he's still that suffering child, he should not be allowed under your roof as your husband. Sounds horribly cruel but it's not. When he's ready to be responsible again, to take care of himself and the kids and you - just as you do for everyone - then he can take up his place again (if you've forgiven him the betrayal). But the road to becoming a husband again will probably be very long and bumpy...

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 23:17

I think that distance is definitely a good thing at the moment.
He has family but they don’t live close enough to give practical support.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 21/10/2018 23:34

Does he call his boss names and say terrible things to him? Does he?

  • If not, then you need to reassess your whole relationship and do so quickly. Because very VERY soon he will come crawling back to you, promising to change/get help/work through it/blah blah. He won't. He is an abusive, gaslighting arsehole and he has made you co-dependent.
LemonTT · 21/10/2018 23:40

It is also important that you are strong enough to provide support, even if it is only because he is the father of your children. You have been hurt and put under a lot of strain.

I can't imagine how you would be able to be emotionally distant enough to provide support for somebody with depression who has cheated and betrayed you.

Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 23:40

I have pointed that out to him Haffiana.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partnerproblem · 21/10/2018 23:43

That’s the problem in a nutshell Lemon. I want him to get better because he’s my DC’s father. I am having to untangle a lot of different emotions. I am usually pretty strong but this is testing even me.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 22/10/2018 00:40

I have pointed that out to him

He already knows it. You are the one who needs to hold on to that fact - that he is abusive to you and only you - when he comes back seductively inviting you back into co-dependency. You need to get really angry that he is perfectly capable of acting like a decent human being to his boss and child and presumably family/friends but that he doesn't even like you enough to do so to you.

You have been trained by his abuse into getting 'something', a little good feeling about yourself, from caring for him and wanting to help him. It is learned behaviour and it happens in abusive relationships. It is not a normal dynamic for two adults in a healthy relationship.