WWYD about DP having a mental breakdown?

[Partnerproblem]

Basically I can see that DP has had a mental breakdown. Over the past few years he has been depressed and stressed and this has led to him making some bad choices. He is completely distraught that he has done this. However he has terrible mood swings and calls me horrible names and blames me for a lot of things which in his more lucid moments he knows aren’t true. It’s hurtful and upsetting and I am angry with him and I don’t know what to do to help him. Any advice would be great thank you.

What is the actual therapy he is receiving, PartnerProblem? There is a big difference between CBT, DBT, ACT, CAT and others. If he's seeing a psychologist, that suggests he has a lot more going on than anxiety and depression - and his behaviour suggests that also.

If you don't know already, I think it would be helpful to find out what therapy he's receiving, and what illness/disorder the psychologist thinks he has. You can then educate yourself a bit more about what's really going on. I'm not asking you to share the details here, but just make sure you know what's what.

Then you'll be better placed to help him. And that help might be to allow the two of you some space so that he doesn't have distractions to get better. If he can get better. He may have a condition or disorder that will be around forever, and requires management over time. And if you know this, that gives you even more information to make an informed decision.

At the moment it comes across as if you have no real idea what's going on, or what's wrong other than "depression and anxiety". Truly, I think there's a lot more to it than that.

If I was you, I'd suggest going along to a session so that the psychologist can talk to you both.Not to divulge private things between them and your husband, but to help clarify matters, so you can more helpfully decide what to do.

@Sevenstones is right. The behaviour, diagnosis and treatment don't really tally up. He is either a lot more ill or has other problems. Some of it could be untreatable or just intolerable for family life. Alternatively he is just using therapy as a cover and excuse for bad behaviour. Did he self refer?

I would second the idea that you should know more and have more involvement in his care and treatment. Especially given the impact on home life. I am surprised you don't.

I think he sounds highly manipulative, sorry.

You're treating him with a level of care and respect that he hasn't shown you. I mean this very kindly when I say don't be such a mug. Put yourself and your children first. He will most likely be ok if you split up although I can see him trying to manipulate you further to try to stop you leaving him

You are not a terrible person OP. I just wanted to pick that out from what you've written. You are doing your best whilst being treated very badly.

You might well be right that he's mentally Ill but he's also emotionally abusive. He has learnt that from his past just as you have picked up your rescuing tendency from yours. But the people that need rescuing are your children. Do you work? Could you afford to move out and do you think it would be safe to do so?

Psychological counselling is the basic treatment for any kind of anxiety, depression or other menral issue, so no, it's not necessarily a sign of "deeper" problems.
OP, please bear in mind that of course, there are reasons for his behaviour, probably even deep-rooted traumas and tons of fascinating and sad justifications. But his story must not be confused with your own story. Going along with him to counselling or trying to delve deeper into the way he's handling his life could also have the effect of fixing you into the "carer" role, making you neglect irreversibly your own needs and desires. This could mean you will no longer have any means of setting boundaries, of keeping your story, your mind independent from his trajectory.
Imo, following him on his psych journey was a good strategy as long as he had not broken your trust and made you a victim of his troubles (by cheating on you amongst other things).
Entering his "illness" with him, "understanding" him, empathizing with his betrayals rather than reacting to them means you are surrendering your last chance to put your life back on course - with or without him.
However, if you feel you are utterly co-dependent and/or that removing him from your life is out of the question, then in that case going with him to counselling BUT ALSO getting some private counselling for yourself - in order to have someone who keeps a clear head and has your best interests at heart - would be the way to go... Only you can know in your heart of hearts if you want something else from life for you and your children or if you want to stick with him through all of it (probably a decade minimum, if he doesn't leave you first).

Psychological counselling is the basic treatment for any kind of anxiety, depression or other menral issue, so no, it's not necessarily a sign of "deeper" problems.

Yes, counselling, with a counsellor. Not a psychologist. If he's seeing a clinical psychologist it suggests something more.

PS: my cousin was in a situation similar to yours except she was in the other role. She cheated on him with two different men, in the same time period (without him finding out, but i think he knows now), and was having a break-down at work. She eventually escalated to much worse (several suicide attempts and then stopping work for a year, and breaking up with him in the meantime). I think he was neglecting her and that was the trigger. For example, he didn't even really notice that she had started taking anti-depressants to sleep or that she was cheating although it was noticeable, because he had suddenly become completely wrapped up in his own career change. Are you neglecting DH?
Needless to say her problems ran much deeper than the surface or anything he could have "done" to her. I find she still hasn't the right attitude, is very self-deluding, would lie to the psychiatrist, is by turns in denial or in manipulative girl mode ("Im a victim and want people to listen to me but not listen to myself, or try to change my outlook). She probably won't get the necessary wisdom/self-awareness before ten years... she's back with him now but they have chosen to live apart, which is nit a bad thing although people are surprised. I think it would have been more constructive had there been a clean break from the start and they'd taken things from there. I dont know if this helps but it's an account from the other side... I was on her side all the time and thought he was at fault for not "being there". Now I'm not so sure.

@sevenstones Only Op can answer the question of deeper issues, but psychologist is the most basic form of counsellor training, unlike psychiatrist.

@grabola

a psychologist is the most basic form of counsellor training

That's not the case. It's certainly not the most basic form of counselling. It's actually a more advanced form of counselling. That's evident from the study and qualifications required to become a psychologist.

You need a degree in Psychology accredited by the BPS, work experience in your specialised area of psychology and a post graduate qualification (Phd) in your specialised area. There's nothing basic about that.

A psychiatrist had studied general medicine and specialised in psychiatry. A psychiatrist is not a counsellor.

Most regular counsellors or psychotherapists will have done a level 4 counselling diploma or recognised counselling degree or masters.

I'd also add that those psychologists who counsel, have done in depth study about mental illness, human behaviour and the mind.

I mean that in a psych ward the one who has authority is the psychiatrist. The clinical psychologist, who can also be trained as a psychoanalyst, does not have authority to deliver medecine. I'm a great believer in psychologists but you don't have to be deeply ill to see one (nor a psychiatrist for that matter). In fact anyone can, for reasons ranging from nightmares to full-blown mental issues... All i meant was, it's not from the specialist he's chosen to see that we can infer how bad his troubles are...But true, OP should probably be a more curious if she isn't already. Though I suspect she just chose not to share everything with us, which she is perfectly entitled to.

I have asked him to leave and he has gone. I don’t ever want to be accused of not putting my DC first.

Basically what I meant is, it's not because you're seeing a specialist that it suddenly means, this is a mental "illness" and I would be a heartless monster if I chose to leave him. Quite a few of my friends are seeing psychologists (not psychotherapists) or psychoanalysts but it doesnt give them a special status as an "ill" person with no responsibilities. Even those who take medication. Real life continues for everyone. And life is too short to live it vicariously through you "ill" loved one's eyes, especially if they hurt you.

@partnerproblem Oh this was quick ! What exactly happened? Do you feel you can share or is too early? Good for you for making up your mind. Did he just move out? Take it easy for now

I have tried to make him go several times and he hasn’t. There is a lot of love between us and we have a lot of challenges in our lives which have basically caused him to have this mental illness/issue/whatever it is. I agree with posters who say mental illness is no excuse for bad behaviour. It is an explanation not an excuse if you like. I think that he needs to understand what he has done and what he has lost. Making him go is the only way to do this. I have known this for a while but I was worried he was too fragile. I think it’s the only solution now. One DC has been told and in his usual style he has been amazing. Very supportive and understanding. He is an incredible person. DC2 will be told tomorrow. I have no idea how things will pan out but I have to take this leap of faith.
Thanks again for the advice.

Do you what to tell us what happened OP? How do you feel now and how are the children ?

Call me a cynic, but these relapses all seem terribly convenient for him.

Affair = breakdown.
Caught out lying = relapse
You discuss separating = relapse every bloody time. .
Anything he doesn't like or that makes him responsible for his own actions = relapse
Treat you like shit = not my fault I'm ill.
Too cowardly to dump ow = can't do it I'm ill.

I completely agree with this; you need to keep thinking about this list because it is exactly how it looks to those who are listening to you.

I'm glad you've asked him to go; the fact that you meant it obviously and he left, without resorting to this shit again, means he has been manipulating you. And even if he pulls a stunt to manipulate you into feeling bad about it, don't. That will be entirely on him.

He has to want help and follow through. You can't do that for him. And he may have been seeing someone because you wanted him to, but he's not truly seeking help if he's lying to the person he's seeing. That's not honestly seeking help; that's playing the game.

I'm really, really sorry OP. But you can only do so much. He has to do more. And you have to prioritise your children and your own well being to be there for them, frankly. They'll know you've done your best, and you will still encourage him to get help if he needs it, but having it under your roof like this? Where he blames his MH for abusing you and cheating on you whenever he's caught out? No. Sorry, no.

Well done OP, that must have been difficult. Hopefully this time apart will help him sort his problems and you to process everything and work out what you want to do. Your DS sounds amazing, he maybe realises that this is the best course of action for the time being.

Somebody has suggested he hasn’t dumped the OW. He very much has done.

Thank you PrincessScarlett. Your kind words mean a lot.

Well done, you're so strong. Your kids will have a model of sane behaviour to look up to. Now will be a time to reflect for the both of you.

Thank you. It’s incredibly hard but it’s kill or cure. He has to live with the consequences of his actions and reflect on them.

Exactly. And you also need time to consider what you want from the future. It can only be good for both of you, irrespective of what you, OP, choose to do with your life in the long run. He needs to see that actions have consequences. And you need to see if you wouldn't be happier elsewhere. If you find it difficult being apart, you could always try and fix a date for your next "talk" together a few weeks from now. Even if, one month from now, all you can say is: "i need more time". Deadlines and boundaries can be reassuring to stop panic setting in.

That’s good advice. Thank you grabola. I feel so wrecked but so relieved at the same time.

Of course you do. But this is probably the sanest decision you've made in a long time. And you are still free to shape your future whichever way you want, moving forward all the time. So no use panicking. You will get it all under control eventually. It just needs time to decant.