Wife communication with other men.

[gambit18]

Hello,

My head is a mess , and I am after some advice.

I have been with my wife for 10 years. We have 4 wonderful children.

Like all relationships, we both have our faults and we have ups and downs, but we have never really come close to separating.

4 months ago she went out with her friends. All was fine apart from her hangover on the following day. Unfortunately for her, she asked me to plug her phone in to charge, just as a friend text her asking “so spill the goss on you and that Mark”

My name isn’t Mark lol -

I challenged her about it, and she said it was her mate texting the wrong person. She got really defensive and aggressive and just wanted to change the subject. She was also very insistent on showing me her phone, to prove there was nothing untoward.

I still suspected something was amiss so logged on to our online bill ( we share an account ) and low and behold, there were 12 messages a random number which weren’t on the phone

I asked her again If there was anything she wanted to tell me, or if she had deleted any calls / messages. she swore on that she hadn’t…
I told her I knew about the texts…

She was distraught and started to explain - Her take being a male friend of one of the girls she was with started to chat to her and was a bit flirty and touchy, but it was all one sided – but he was very polite and nice to her. As she was going home on her own, he insisted on her number to check she got home safely - they exchanged a few drunk texts on the way home and a couple the next morning.. She admits that some of the drunk ones may have been slightly inappropriate and overfly flirty after a few drinks – but cant remember as she was drunk… …

I’m not sure if anything would have happened if I hadn’t clocked on. She swears it’s the only time it has happened.

After many hearts to hearts we discussed why she felt the need to do this, and she said she liked getting attention and feeling loved. One of my downfalls being that I don’t text her multiple times a day to see how she is, or buy her flowers as much as I used to. We agreed to move forward and both make that extra effort. If I am honest, it was the best thing we ever did… As it was like a clean slate, and we have gone a few months in a happy and loving environment…

Until last weekend. She started acting a bit distant, and started to always carry her phone with her.. I got suspicious and heard her phone vibrate when on the unit - , i saw a facebook message from a guy on her home screen.. I couldn’t read the whole thing without opening her phone, but it was a man, asking how she was I think. I never got the whole jist or content -

I decided to check once she had read the message (I’m sure people will bash me for this ) and the message had gone. I asked her about it, and she says it’s just a guy she met on a night out, but he is just a friend, and there is nothing wrong with messaging a mate. I asked why I had never heard of him, and why delete the message. her reasoning being, after the rows last time, she didn’t want to open up old wounds. This has caused big rows, as it’s a massive blow to the trust we have been rebuilding. She said that she would stop the messaging, but had done nothing wrong.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and on Monday she was active on facebook chat every 10 – 15 minutes. This went on all day until I got home from work. She admitted that she had sent a message or two, but it was just general chit chat. She had also deleted them, as they were nothing to do with me. We agreed that we needed to move forward from this, and she said she would stop the contact. She apologised for doing this but swore it was innocent chit chat. Come Tuesday, she showed as active on chat again from 9am, through the whole day. Every 10 – 15 minutes, she was active.

When I got home from work, she admitted that she had sent a few messages, and again told me they were innocent, and I shouldn’t be telling her who she can talk to. Based on the frequency of the online activity, i suspect it was a lot moe than a few. I eventually said it may have been 6 or 7. She also said she wasn’t sure if she wanted us to stay together any more.

I had a conversation with her mother, who she had also lied to. She had told her mother that she had ceased contact on the Sunday, so her mother was a bit upset to learn she was still messaging the guy.
Yesterday her mother came around as soon as the children were at school and talked some sense into her. She messaged the guy explaining that these messages weren’t healthy, and had caused some rows at home. She did this in front of her mother. She apologised last night and we need to assess where we go from here.
She swears (and I do believe her) that the content was just chit chat, and she doesn’t believe the guy had altera motives, and wouldn’t have chatted to him if he had.

My partner can suffers from anxiety attacks. It never really affects us on a day to day field, but if something crops us that worries her, she needs to resolve the issue, or it consumes her until its fixed. If she can’t sort an issue out that day, she can’t sleep properly.
Her reasoning for all of this is that things have been so good for months and because we have been getting on so well, she Is continually anxious with worry about us having a falling out, or an argument that will burst this bubble. She is saying that she has been so worried about us having an argument, that that has been on her mind just as much as how good things have been. She says she is also constantly worried that I am unsatisfied with her. i.e. if I send her a really sweat message when at work, she never knows what to write back, and then gets herself in a state over whether it will make me smile like mine made her smile.

She says she was worried about me finding out that a guy had messaged her. Because it was innocent message asking about one of her friends, she felt rude not to reply, but by replying, she felt guilty for doing it, and also worried that if I did find out, it would cause us to argue or break up. This worry then turned into anxiety and then started to make her doubt if we should still be together if messaging a guy caused such rows. To top that off, once we did start to row, she told this guy about our argument, who offered a shoulder to cry on, hence 2 days of multiple messages.

Since Wednesday, she hasn’t been on the Facebook chat at all.
I love her and trust that she hasn’t and never would physically cheat on me, but can’t get my head around why she feels the need to message other men. Because the content is innocent, she sees the messages as innocent and won’t change her view on that. She refuses to accept that these “innocent conversations” could ever lead anywhere. I’m wondering if she Is experiencing “grass is always greener” syndrome, or it is the butterfly feeling of having somebody new should interest in you.

I love her and know we can work / manage the anxiety. My concern is the need for attention from other parties. I personally don’t think this is healthy or acceptable, even if innocent.

In my head I’m thinking “grass is always greener” syndrome..

Any advise would be appreciated.

thanks

Went through the same thing.... she's in an emotional affair at the very least. I think my ex kept going out on girls nights out with her friends but got chatting to some guy and they continued meeting up on nights out as she'd often go back to the same place, they had obviously swapped numbers and were messaging non-stop.

I called her out on it plenty of times but she couldn't stop herself. It was all about the attention at the beginning too I think but she ended things with me because I think she got to the point where she wanted to explore it further. Once the loyalty goes on her side and the trust goes on yours it is a slippery slope.

She swears (and I do believe her) that the content was just chit chat,

Wells he would say that, I doubt any man would be pursuing her for general chit chat, I'm afraid she is leading you a merry dance OP, she goes out and gets drunk and then well, whatever happens happens, not her fault, she likes the attention, she is basically telling you loud and clear she can't be trusted, no idea how you continue a relationship with someone so blatantly telling you they will keep disrespecting you and cheating on you, I am sure you could do a lot better than this.

My ex also said the same thing about needing attention and being loved. Her words were that she was 'very needy'. Personally I think it's minimising it.

Sadly, like many philanderers, once they are caught out, they search for other more secretive ways NOT to be found out.. such as reverting to KIK messaging or buying a secret second phone. I'm not for one minute suggesting that this is what your wife has done, but I just think that it's something you may need to be mindful of.

In many long term relationships and with kids etc, life gets a bit "pedestrian" as does the sex, so it can be exciting to feel wanted or loved. In my experience however, women tend to get more emotionally involved whereas the chaps less so.

It's a toughie and I feel your pain.

Yep agree with the other poster, she's invested in this guy to some degree. My ExW was always on messenger and turns out she was talking to an old BF, who she eventually cheated with. You need to lay down a clear ultimatum, if it happens again you will leave. It's disrespectful, deceitful and not acceptable behaviour....don't stand for it. It's the thin end of the wedge trust me.

I went through this about a year and a half ago,I caught my husband getting a late night phone call (4am) from one of MY friends,we were 2 weeks away from our 2nd wedding anniversary and he admitted that they had been txting on and off since our engagement party,he also said it was chitchat,she has a partner and 2 children also so I don't know what kind of chitchat you have at 4am drunk,or why she felt the need to ring my husband while she was drunk,turns out he was also txting and ringing another girl that lived up the road for the previous 9 months,day long chats over txt and calls that lasted 1/2 hr- 1hr! We tried counseling,he didn't put in much effort,6 mths later I took the kids and moved out I said if he wants to fix things I want his phone bills to prove he's done nothing since,nearly a year later I'm still moved out,no sign of phone bills still!!every couple of days hel ring and cry that he wants me back then hel go out with the lads and lie and tell me he didn't! I'm finally seeing the light and realizing he is a waste of time!he doesn't even have time for his children,he will only ask to see them if I've had a row with him

I'm sorry to hear this OP. There seems to me to be a glaring hole in her story / excuses which is that if all these messages are truly innocent / just chit chat, why does she delete them immediately afterwards??? Surely if she was genuinely worried that you would react badly, the simple solution is to keep the alleged innocent messages and show them to you so you can see it's just chit chat.

I think she likes the attention, she likes the flirting and she's at risk of having an EA (if she's not already doing it). I also think she's gaslighting you by trying to put the blame on you for 1)not showing her enough attention and 2)saying that her worrying about you finding out is what has caused her to message MORE. I don't believe a word of what she's saying.

I think I would have preferred my ex to have had a drunken one night stand than the emotional thing she had going on with this guy. It was one of the most painful months I've ever been through because you know they have a connection and investment with each other plus you know that a woman really likes a guy if she can't stop messaging him and that on the other end he will be wanting to progress it to the physical stage as soon as possible so building attraction through the flirty messaging.

For the month before she ended it she was constantly online on FB messenger and Whatsapp. Taking forever to reply to messages that I had sent her and obviously prioritising the other guy over me. I'll never forget one night during the World Cup in the summer she asked me to keep her updated on the England score as she had to work at the time (she was into football) and I remember whatsapping her throughout the game and seeing her online the entire time but she wasn't even reading the messages I was sending her (no blue ticks) and was obviously online with the new guy.

Another problem with being the guy in this kind of situation is that you become needy/insecure which are obviously unattractive traits for a man so you end up driving her away further to the other shiny new guy who hasn't shown to have those attributes.

Have you checked her friends list on FB to see if she is friends with any guys called Mark? Checked his page to see if anything on there?

Can I just say that as far as I'm aware, when it shows active on FB messenger, it can just mean they are scrolling through Facebook itself. It doesn't mean they are necessarily messenger talking to someone. I could be wrong but thats what I always thought

That aside, I hope you get to the bottom of it, you seem like a lovely guy. The not knowing is the worst part. Stay strong and don't let her walk all over you whatever you do.

@drained1 I think with the mobile apps you don't show as online unless you are on the specific messenger app rather than FB itself.

You can have chit chat with male friends. I have a few male friends but the chit chat is maybe a couple of messages once a month. A how are you or some news on common interest. Sometimes we meet up and partner also comes too. Plus I do not delete these messages, as they are innocent so if my partner or anyone was to read them there is nothing to hide.

If it was chit chat why delete it?

The multiple messages is more of the signs of an emotional affair I agree.

Does your wife have any female friends to talk to ?

Thankyou are for the replies..

TBH, i am here becuase i can't have this conversation with my friends. After what happened last time, the 3 that i confided in all think i am stupid for even sticking around then.

I havent spoken to any of them this time, becuase they will tell me to get out now, and probably think i am a fool if i dont.

Re the facebook thing - she rarelly checks FB itself.. So the "active" on chat is a new thing over the past week, and definetly related to the messages.

And as for Richderinos comment

"I'll never forget one night during the World Cup in the summer she asked me to keep her updated on the England score as she had to work at the time (she was into football) and I remember whatsapping her throughout the game and seeing her online the entire time but she wasn't even reading the messages I was sending her (no blue ticks) and was obviously online with the new guy. "

i was trying to keep my long winded post brief -, but this is 100% what happened yesterday. I sent her 3 whatsapp messages on tuesday morning and non got read until 2pm.. I could see she was on whatsapp on and off all morning, and on facebook every 10 - 15 minutes.. When i replied, it took hours for her to even read it (again, she was n FB / whattsapp )

When speaking to her mum on Tuesday night , i actally said to her mum, that she spending more time chatting to this guy than me.. Her mum was adamant she wasnt sending anything as her daugter had told her the messages had stopped on Sunday. - until i told her yesertday morning that her daughter had admitted sending messages on the tuesday.

sorry

i was trying to keep my long winded post brief -, but this is 100% what happened Tuesday - Not yesterday.

I had an employee of me and my DH (our only employee) who made a total pain in the arse of herself with whatsapping my H for general chit chat. She was a single mum, not unattractive and a bit lonely. I managed to duplicate the chats onto my iPad and could see they were initiated by her and not sexual, but the fact was he was hiding the fact and deleting them. I picked up on it because he became phone possessive. When I brought it up , he said that he felt embarrassed and didn’t quite know how to tell her to cut it out. Personally I think he got a buzz from it!! What I would say is decide in your head if it’s more than chit chat what you want to do, if it’s that you want proof, do some digging, you have every right in my opinion. do not let others tell you not to snoop. How else are those who are being deceived expected to get to the bottom of things.

You said you found a number that she had texted 12 times on the phone bill? Have you added that number to your contacts? I know it's very stalky but you'll then be able to see if/when she is online on whatsapp that the person on that number is online at the same time. That's kind of how I found out about my ex's emotional affair, it was heartbreaking seeing them both online at exactly the same time - during that World Cup match I wrote about I remember England scoring and going online to let her know, she'd already be online and he would as well and they were obviously messaging each other about the game. When the game was finished she just sent me a crappy message saying 'Great win' or something like that.

You are going through exactly what I went through with her prioritising this other guy over you by not responding to messages as she is obviously messaging the other guy as it is more exciting, etc. It's an awful thing to go through and I really feel for you.

So all your friends tell you to leave her and you don't listen .So why come on here?You will ignore ant advice that you don't like

"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest"
Paul Simon

I agree, I would snoop further.

If and when I text any male (or female) friends about general chit chat i feel no need to delete the messages. She could start to try to rebuild your trust and help her anxiety by not deleting the messages, which she isn't willing to do. I'm sorry OP but that seems far too suspicious for me. I would be doing whatever I could to put my DH's mind at rest if he had gotten the wrong end of the stick and it was putting our relationship at risk.

This worry then turned into anxiety and then started to make her doubt if we should still be together if messaging a guy caused such rows. To top that off, once we did start to row, she told this guy about our argument, who offered a shoulder to cry on, hence 2 days of multiple messages.

Oh she’s good, she’s very good. She’s training you well never to challenge her or assert boundaries because she’s trying to make you scared that if you do, you’ll break up. Impressive.

Those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Learn to listen to your friends. They’re unanimously telling you to walk away. Why do you think that is?

She has zero respect for you as a man or a partner, given the fact she’s still going. She wants to have you and also flirt with random men. I guarantee she’s done more than just flirt. Up to you if you want her with that caveat or not cos you’re not gonna get her being faithful.

Thanks "yetmorecrap"..

I do believe the messages would have been innocent on her part. She has lots of friends, and several close male friends, who dont bother me.. simply because they message maybe one a week / etc.. and dont get deleted..

Her father cheated when she was 4 and she hates him... She has no time for him and she wont even let our children call him grandad... her "over for good" rule is me kissing or sleeping with another woman. She has always hated cheaters.. If a celebrity cheats, she judges them and loses all respect / time for them.. especially if they have kids.. When we first started to date, she made it clear that was the case..

She is honest to the point where she says, if i was attracted to another guy i would end us first and then persue it..

So i believe it is the attention, but in her head its inncoent if that makes sense.. but its how it gets away from this cycle.. once when drunk is bad, but people do daft things when drunk.. Spending days messaging a guy when sober and you should be spending time with our youngest is not a good thing. the fact she said she would stop on Saunday and then monday nights is worrying.. its like she is addicted to the thrill..

richdeniro - thanks for the tip on that :) will try it :)

Sorry OP, you are delusional, there is feck all innocent in any of her behaviours, you really ought to listen to your friends.

She won't stop, you are basically giving her the thumbs up.

Dude..you need to DTB and not look back. She's toxic and will destroy your self-esteem and confidence. Loads of people on here have gone through the same thing and are telling you to get out...what will it take for you to wake up? Do you really have to catch them in bed for it to be unacceptable, because sure as eggs are eggs...this is where this is going if unchecked.

Just a heads up OP. Whether you are on FB or the messenger app or accessing FB thru a browser and not the app, you will show as active.
ALSO.... you can turn this feature off.... so you can access FB and/or messenger and not be shown as active.
She might be online all day and you would be none the wiser.

@MumOf5Monsters I said this too, I knew I was right.

However op has said she hardly ever uses FB at all so thats his main point x

You sound lovely OP. Really understanding and considerate. She’s bored and she takes you for granted. I’d really struggle to trust her.

Agree with the other posters saying she won’t stop. Talking to her won’t help either as you’re in the catch 22 situation where if you bring it up you’ll show yourself as insecure and she’ll lose even more respect for her.

I would move out for a few days and show her what life without you might be like. Give her that ultimatum and ask who she wants to be with.