Wife communication with other men.

[gambit18]

Hello,

My head is a mess , and I am after some advice.

I have been with my wife for 10 years. We have 4 wonderful children.

Like all relationships, we both have our faults and we have ups and downs, but we have never really come close to separating.

4 months ago she went out with her friends. All was fine apart from her hangover on the following day. Unfortunately for her, she asked me to plug her phone in to charge, just as a friend text her asking “so spill the goss on you and that Mark”

My name isn’t Mark lol -

I challenged her about it, and she said it was her mate texting the wrong person. She got really defensive and aggressive and just wanted to change the subject. She was also very insistent on showing me her phone, to prove there was nothing untoward.

I still suspected something was amiss so logged on to our online bill ( we share an account ) and low and behold, there were 12 messages a random number which weren’t on the phone

I asked her again If there was anything she wanted to tell me, or if she had deleted any calls / messages. she swore on that she hadn’t…
I told her I knew about the texts…

She was distraught and started to explain - Her take being a male friend of one of the girls she was with started to chat to her and was a bit flirty and touchy, but it was all one sided – but he was very polite and nice to her. As she was going home on her own, he insisted on her number to check she got home safely - they exchanged a few drunk texts on the way home and a couple the next morning.. She admits that some of the drunk ones may have been slightly inappropriate and overfly flirty after a few drinks – but cant remember as she was drunk… …

I’m not sure if anything would have happened if I hadn’t clocked on. She swears it’s the only time it has happened.

After many hearts to hearts we discussed why she felt the need to do this, and she said she liked getting attention and feeling loved. One of my downfalls being that I don’t text her multiple times a day to see how she is, or buy her flowers as much as I used to. We agreed to move forward and both make that extra effort. If I am honest, it was the best thing we ever did… As it was like a clean slate, and we have gone a few months in a happy and loving environment…

Until last weekend. She started acting a bit distant, and started to always carry her phone with her.. I got suspicious and heard her phone vibrate when on the unit - , i saw a facebook message from a guy on her home screen.. I couldn’t read the whole thing without opening her phone, but it was a man, asking how she was I think. I never got the whole jist or content -

I decided to check once she had read the message (I’m sure people will bash me for this ) and the message had gone. I asked her about it, and she says it’s just a guy she met on a night out, but he is just a friend, and there is nothing wrong with messaging a mate. I asked why I had never heard of him, and why delete the message. her reasoning being, after the rows last time, she didn’t want to open up old wounds. This has caused big rows, as it’s a massive blow to the trust we have been rebuilding. She said that she would stop the messaging, but had done nothing wrong.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and on Monday she was active on facebook chat every 10 – 15 minutes. This went on all day until I got home from work. She admitted that she had sent a message or two, but it was just general chit chat. She had also deleted them, as they were nothing to do with me. We agreed that we needed to move forward from this, and she said she would stop the contact. She apologised for doing this but swore it was innocent chit chat. Come Tuesday, she showed as active on chat again from 9am, through the whole day. Every 10 – 15 minutes, she was active.

When I got home from work, she admitted that she had sent a few messages, and again told me they were innocent, and I shouldn’t be telling her who she can talk to. Based on the frequency of the online activity, i suspect it was a lot moe than a few. I eventually said it may have been 6 or 7. She also said she wasn’t sure if she wanted us to stay together any more.

I had a conversation with her mother, who she had also lied to. She had told her mother that she had ceased contact on the Sunday, so her mother was a bit upset to learn she was still messaging the guy.
Yesterday her mother came around as soon as the children were at school and talked some sense into her. She messaged the guy explaining that these messages weren’t healthy, and had caused some rows at home. She did this in front of her mother. She apologised last night and we need to assess where we go from here.
She swears (and I do believe her) that the content was just chit chat, and she doesn’t believe the guy had altera motives, and wouldn’t have chatted to him if he had.

My partner can suffers from anxiety attacks. It never really affects us on a day to day field, but if something crops us that worries her, she needs to resolve the issue, or it consumes her until its fixed. If she can’t sort an issue out that day, she can’t sleep properly.
Her reasoning for all of this is that things have been so good for months and because we have been getting on so well, she Is continually anxious with worry about us having a falling out, or an argument that will burst this bubble. She is saying that she has been so worried about us having an argument, that that has been on her mind just as much as how good things have been. She says she is also constantly worried that I am unsatisfied with her. i.e. if I send her a really sweat message when at work, she never knows what to write back, and then gets herself in a state over whether it will make me smile like mine made her smile.

She says she was worried about me finding out that a guy had messaged her. Because it was innocent message asking about one of her friends, she felt rude not to reply, but by replying, she felt guilty for doing it, and also worried that if I did find out, it would cause us to argue or break up. This worry then turned into anxiety and then started to make her doubt if we should still be together if messaging a guy caused such rows. To top that off, once we did start to row, she told this guy about our argument, who offered a shoulder to cry on, hence 2 days of multiple messages.

Since Wednesday, she hasn’t been on the Facebook chat at all.
I love her and trust that she hasn’t and never would physically cheat on me, but can’t get my head around why she feels the need to message other men. Because the content is innocent, she sees the messages as innocent and won’t change her view on that. She refuses to accept that these “innocent conversations” could ever lead anywhere. I’m wondering if she Is experiencing “grass is always greener” syndrome, or it is the butterfly feeling of having somebody new should interest in you.

I love her and know we can work / manage the anxiety. My concern is the need for attention from other parties. I personally don’t think this is healthy or acceptable, even if innocent.

In my head I’m thinking “grass is always greener” syndrome..

Any advise would be appreciated.

thanks

Your friends are telling you the truth and so are the PP on this thread.

I figure you’ll be on here in about, oh, 6-8 months with a follow up post... “Help - just found out my wife has cheated on me.”

She’s lied to you, she’s lied to her Mum. She gaslights when she realises she’s been caught out.

Yep she's obviously extremely attracted to this guy - she's told you she met him on a night out and he's now 'just a friend'... people rarely meet 'just friends' in this way on nights out, he would have likely been out looking to meet women and she loved the attention because she found him attractive. In a normal loving relationship she might have enjoyed the attention, at most flirted a little with him but taken it no further and walked away at the end of the night not having swapped numbers.

Only people who really like each other spend all their time messaging each other and even if she hasn't cheated physically she's thinking about it and even though you say you trust her because she hates her father for cheating, she will find a way to justify it if she does, 99% of people are against cheating but they always find ways to justify it to themselves... she already has emotionally by saying she likes the attention. She's already shown she has no loyalty and has lost respect for you so she's already on that path.

I disagree with the fact that only people who really like each other spend a lot of time texting. Plenty of cowards do it too because they don’t quite know how to tell the other person to back off, especially if colleagues etc, however in this case you have made your point , they aren’t a colleague and she is carrying on , I think she gets a big buzz from the attention , and the novelty. However it’s not ok at all. Piss poor manners

I am not married but in a long-term relationship.

I do have several male friends with whom we chit chat, sometimes everyday. I know that a at least a couple of them fancy me (if I was single), and enjoy an odd compliment towards me and I might even engage in a very innocent flirt ("oh sweetie you too look great").

However, they all know I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, and I never delete messages, and would be happy to show to my boyfriend should he ask to. There is nothing I need to hide or delete. I think that's the difference.

I wouldn't be happy either especially when it is only words but no actions.

Leave the cheating bitch. Cannot be trusted.

I agree with rich, of course she hates cheating, almost everyone hates cheating and lots of people have been cheated on or had an affair impact them in some way. But your DP will make excuses for herself.

"You weren't giving her enough attention/meeting her needs.

It's true love.

They are soul mates.

You don't make her feel desirable like he does.

He understands her like no one else does.

Your relationship with her is dead or basically over anyway."

She'll tell herself whatever rubbish she needs to hear in order to make it ok in her own head.

It sounds bad. sorry.

Sorry OP she's messing you around. Sounds like she's playing around enjoying herself but taking no responsibility. Presumably one of these flirtatious will turn physical if they haven't already. I don't think you can trust her.

My ex often said,
"If you cheated, we'd be over, I hate cheats."

Guess what happened?.
She started chatting to a FB friend, deleting messages, spending more time chatting to them than talking to me and spending time with her kids...

You get the idea.

Over a year since we split. She left me and her child for this affair.

If someone says they hate cheats and cheaters etc.. do t take it as gospel.

She doesn’t have to let message previews appear on the locked screen, or let her online status show.

That’s what puzzles me.

@waxy1 She might not be technologically proficient and not know how to turn notifications off, etc.

OP - Messages on FB chat sometimes aren't deleted, she might have just archived them so they are hidden from the main chat. You might want to have a look under 'archived threads' on the web version on Facebook. Using the messenger app from a phone you'll need to type the name of the person she's been messaging in the search bar to see an archived thread.

Hi OP

I just felt I had to add something here having read all the responses you have received. It’s rare to read a post on here by someone where all who respond give basically the same advice. I think you sound like a lovely person, it comes across that you’re a very genuine and honest man and I have to say that I agree with others who have responded to you that this will only end one way.
Really good advice from richdeniro - I think what he has suggested is spot on. Whether she has already cheated or not, she kind of already has in the emotional sense and I think the fact she’s messaging back and forth shows she’s clearly very interested in this guy. Being married to you, she isn’t at all being a faithful and honest wife. She’s flattered by the attention and to meet on a night out and have a bit of friendly but harmless banter is fine, but to swap numbers and be constantly online messaging all day is taking it to the anither level. If she was 100% happy and content with you and in her marriage she wouldn’t have given her number. That’s my opinion. I also really agree that you’ll come across as needy and insecure and it will only push her more to wanting him. But that said, if you do nothing she will only continue from the sounds of it. People always want what they can’t have, so I’d pack your stuff and say you’re going for just a few days and give her some space without you around to think this is what life is like without him and you’ll find out whether it’s you she really wants, or if she’s happy to end her marriage over something that’s new and exciting. I’m sorry this is happening to you as you’re obviously a really decent guy and deserve so much better and more respect.

As per what myself and @Mrsm2812 have said, if you do decide to move out for a few days to give her that space she might use that time to kind of do a trial run with the new guy and meet up with him, see how she feels about him off the chats and make it physical.

You need to make it clear that if she decides to do that then it is well and truly over anyway. You shouldn't settle for being a backup and second best. You deserve better.

@richdeniro - I was thinking the exact same, about the trial run with the guy she’s been talking to. For me, if this was my situation and the person I was with could be this tempted by someone else then it would be over anyway. There would just be no way back for me. I think in all relationships and marriages people become complacent. It’s just because things become routine and we get used to it, having kids makes things like this. It’s not that things still aren’t really good but we get accustomed to our relationships and the excitement can seem like it’s gone. A marriage or relationship of ten years is never going to seem as fresh and new and exciting as the prospect of new man seems. It’s totally a case of thinking the grass is greener, but it never usually is. Sad when you have 4 kids as well OP, that she sounds so willing to risk all this.

Well her mother can't talk sense into her so I agree with others that the short sharp shock of you leaving is likely to bring this to a conclusion one way or another which will be better for you and the children. As others have said make it clear that any evidence of a 'trial run' and it is over. Tell her you love her and hope she makes the right choice before you leave.

Agree and the sad thing is that the new guy probably has no intention of thinking anything long term happening. Not even contemplated the possibility of being a step-dad to their children and that kind of thing. At the moment he is just after one thing. She may have even made it clear in the messaging that she is after one thing too which is so sad. Imagine having to tell your children that you threw away the marriage to their dad because you just fancied a shag.

Yep I agree with the last two posts on here. She is making a huge gamble if she does decide to choose him over you. As @richdeniro said, she will likely be thinking that it will be all wonderful and exciting with him, but the reality is probably nothing like this. He is attracted to her but not thinking anything long term ( i don’t think anyway). For him it will be all physical and once he’s had that I bet his interest would just slip away. What sort of person chooses to end a ten year marriage and take the dad away from 4 kids on a whim like this. She’s being very selfish in my opinion, not putting her children first or considering you. She’s putting her own feelings before anyone else and acting like a teenager.
Another point, if it takes you to walk out and leave for a few days for her to have time to ‘decide’ or ‘trial’ it with new man, ideas you did stay together... would it ever be the same? I think it’s a bitter pill to swallow that your other half has been this tempted by something/someone else.

Personally I wouldn't be leaving the house, I'd kick her out. She's the one who's cheating, so she can leave. Whilst she might turn to him for comfort, the reality of loosing everything will hit hard quickly. No home, no kids, no nice things... sleeping on friends sofas or in a cheap hotel. I'd doubt that the guy would let her stay beyond a few days anyway, he's probably not thought that far and this new reality will scare him too. Just make sure you don't take her back either, she made her choice a long time back.

Sorry for the bad typo, I meant to say ‘if’ you did stay together. I’m saying I think it would be tough. You’d forever be doubting her feelings and feeling like second choice/insecure feelings because you know she’s had her head turned at the end of the day. To look and admire from a far is one thing and we all look but taking steps forward with it is crossing the line for me.

Hi,

thanks for the replys..

Just an update..

So its all kicked off tonight. I asked if she had heard off him, and she said yes - She told me she had made it clear that she wanted the conversations to end.. She said she had deleted the messages, but i needed to trust her. I looked at her phone and found the message from yesterday, where she asks him to stop messaging, but nothing from today.. I asked why the one from yesterday was there, but nothing from today.. She said it was because it was on whatapp, which i was not happy with.. As they have swapped numbers.. I was livid and said i was leaving..

She then broke down and said she had sent her sister copies of all the recent FB messages and whatsapps from him. She hadnt told me before, as she felt violated that she had no privacy and didnt like that i didnt trust her. She got hysterical and asked her sister to send them all back to her. Her sister than said she would come around, which she did..

There are none of the earlier messages, but all the messages from Tuesday and Wednesday and the whatsapp from today. To be fair, she was not lying on the content. There is talk about her setting his mate up with a date with her frind ( why he initially messaged her ) and she has basically said it has all kicked off at home because of an arguement ( she hasnt said what, or it was becuase of hiding texts from him ) and he has listened to her saying how upset she is.. Personally i think he has his own motives, as he is single ( divorced ) and keeps telling her about how it will make her stronger and it was the best thing he ever did to walk away. My partner has actally said very little on the replies, ( like 2 or 3 words on majority ) but he keeps on and on.. He is very smooth with it, and ends with " but dont let me influence you etc"... There is nothing on there at all to show any flirting or anything i would consider inappropriate from her. and the messages flow, so its not like she has deleted bits before a screen shot. I think she just made a daft mistake initially and he has offered an ear.. I dont think his agenda is to be genuine long term, but on Wedneday the message is clear and to the point that she has issues to sort out and would rather not message..

the bit i dont like is that he sent her his mobile number, "if she ever needed to chat / somebody to talk to".. but instead of repling on facebook, she whatapped him... Again, she sent a copy of the message to her sister, and although its not blunt (ie leave me alone ), he should have taken the hint..

She is hysterical becuase i didnt believe her.. I am mad becuase he has messaged her twice since yesterday. once asking how she is, and another one asking if he should warch his back or something daft, obviously trying to strike up conversation.. Again she has kept it short, and sent copies to her sister... but its a relief in some ways thag she wasnt lying.. I cant comment on anything pre monday, but anything after then is just making conversation.. he has also sent a lot more than her, so although she was always online, he would send one long message, not get a reply, so add to it, then add a bit more.Her replies are always words, not conversations..

This could have all been avoided if she had just not deleted the messaged.. But her take is that she has done nothing wrong accept chat to a person willing to listen.. I think now, byt the fact he has still sent more mesages, may have made her think "hhmmm maybe is isnt just being a supportive ear"

I have also taken matters into my own hands tonight,, she begged me not to get involved, but the fact he has her mobile and is now messaging her after she has asked him to stop ( not so bluntly, but its clear and polite ) has annoyed me.. I have a proffesional job and always advise people - NEVER EVER send an email straight away if you are angry - calm down and send it the day after.... So i have gone against what i preach lol.... I have sent him a FB message asking him politely to back off and stop all contact. -

So tomorrow we will see his true colours.. She will not be happy i have messaged him, as she says its her falt for deleting the messages etc.. so if he does contact her, i'm sure he will mention it, so i will know if he is genuine, or he is trying to make a wedge for his own agenda... thanks again for the replies.. feed free to chip in thoughts...

thanks again folks

Glad to hear that it wasn't what you suspected and it seems to have been resolved.

Well done for messaging him, I would have done the same thing. You'll probably find out he won't respond and will cowardly block you and your wife. She'll probably never hear from him again.

He sounds like a complete shit with no boundaries, values or depth of character. What kind of man must he be chasing after a married woman with children. Scumbag.

Hope he takes the hint and doesn't contact her again. I hope she realises what a mistake she has made and you both need to try and work on repairing the damage this has caused to your marriage.

Hi

I agree with @richdeniro- what a scumbag to go after someone else’s wife and someone with a family. It sounds like you have done the right thing. I don’t think your wife has any room to be mad at you for messaging him. You need it to stop, all of it, all contact has to stop. I would make it clear to your wife if there is even one more message, even just a one word reply that it is over. Get to her block him on everything and/or change her number. If she can’t respect you enough to do this then I’m afraid I wouldn’t be believing that it was all so one-sided. I hope she cares enough about you and her marriage to tell him to do one as it sounds like he needs to hear it in a harsh way now.

Does she actually understand why you've reacted the way you have or does she still think you've been unreasonable in reacting the way you have?
Whilst I agree that there should be trust in a marriage, surely she can empathise with why you've been worried?
That is to me crucial if you are going to continue with this marriage.

IMHO she still has a lot of work to do to regain your trust. Even if she did not stray with this guy she lied and was deceitful and hid evidence deliberately. That alone should be a matter for concern. Do not let her make it all about your 'snooping' and invading her privacy....you had good cause to and have been proven right.