Could someone help me unpack why I'm so unlikable?

[nonotes]

I have some idea, but I'm not 100% sure why I turn people off. Maybe someone could help me work it out!

We can do our best but it's hard over the internet, because often how you come across in person has an influence.

We're definitely going to need a bit more detail too...

Are you friendly?
Do you listen to people or just talk about yourself?
Are you generous with time?
Are you empathetic?

What makes you think people don’t like you?

People don’t like me because I’m shy and awkward, I always seem nervous and never know what to say. So I make people feel uncomfortable. Could your issue be similar?

Welk it's hard op because there's nothing in that to indicate anything.

Why do YOU think you're unlikeable?

Yep, definitely need more detail I just don't have a clue on where to start!

I guess I'm friendly.. but as soon as I start to find someone annoying, maybe that friendliness dissipates.

I do listen to others, but I also talk about myself quite a lot.. on topic things though normally. I believe I could also come across as quite braggy.. maybe and also probably quite judgemental.. sometimes. I just can't help myself. Sometimes I will say if I don't agree with someone but not all the time in case I hurt their feelings etc. I'm not all bad, just apparently unlikable.

I notice faces turn from me quite often - ive come to realise that it’s because I find social interaction actually quite terrifying and talk too much, too fast, monopolise conversation, bang on about one thing and generally bore people. What’s the context for your question?

I also think I have a resting bitch face, for want of a better expression. I also find that my sense of humour gets misunderstood sometimes which leads to people taking offence.

Have people told you that you’re unlikable?

Bragging would be enough for me to steer clear of you.

Whoa! How do you know you are unlikeable?! Maybe you are just not confident enough to build on friendships.

I know lots of fast talking bitch faces with friends.

The context for my question is that I find myself with a handful (maybe 8) acquaintances and no real friends. The sad thing is, that if people stuck around long enough they would see that I'm just quite soft and insecure and would make a loyal and very good friend.

I do listen to others, but I also talk about myself quite a lot.. on topic things though normally. I believe I could also come across as quite braggy.. maybe and also probably quite judgemental.. sometimes. I just can't help myself.

Well, that does sound like it might irritate people, yes. What reaction do you get from people that makes you think you're unlikable? Do you have friends or a partner?

I sometimes think I need to start a service where I follow people around for a day then give them a rundown on why they are finding relationships difficult, because it's often hard to get all the nuances without seeing you in person. In general, people who are deeply uncomfortable with themselves make other people uncomfortable.

No one has ever told me I'm unlikable, but I can tell. Unless I'm mentally paranoid which could be true.

I think bragging is too strong a word but I can't find the right one.. like, I wouldn't brag outwardly, but I would mention things that I have or am going to get, or that my son has done etc

I have a dear friend who has no filter. She says what she thinks and sometimes she has quite strong or controversial feelings.

For example to a person who had just been diagnosed with a missed miscarriage at 11 wks "it wasn't really a baby though, was it?"

Milder stuff too like just being brutally honest... "I don't like your hair/outfit" etc.

I appreciate that she wears her heart on her sleeve but I have been hurt by some of her comments in the past and I know it puts people of her.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I am deeply uncomfortable with myself. Perhaps that's it.

I have a husband who thinks the world of me, I've let him in so to speak! I just want a couple of close friends that I feel comfortable enough with to show them my lighthearted silly funny side. So depressed.

The sad thing is, that if people stuck around long enough they would see that I'm just quite soft and insecure and would make a loyal and very good friend

Look. If you do want to change this you can't go down that road, the road of "it's all other people's fault for not seeing me properly". If you consistently struggle to connect then you are putting out something that other people struggle with. People aren't mind readers. They can only take you as they experience you. How much time do you spend asking yourself what good qualities you're missing out on from people you didn't like when you met them?

Do you like yourself? Are you comfortable with yourself? Do you like other people?

@hereforthelineeyes

Gosh no! I'm not like that..

Can you give an example of ‘being braggy’?

@countess I'm not blaming other people at all, I really want to know what I'm doing to turn people off!

Usual sequence of events is people really like me to begin with, and then contact will lessen, I'll be a bit annoyed or whatever and maybe then I pull away.. thus making it difficult to be proper friends.

It sounds as if you are pretty self aware though, because you have identified that you might be a bit braggy. The next step is to identify this before the words come out of your mouth. I tend to go the other way (which probably isn't that attractive!) - for instance, on Facebook recently I mentioned something that had happened to me (I was knocked flat by a mobility scooter) and I made it sound amusing and had loads of comments about how it hadn't been my year. I tend to Facebook mock rather than Facebook brag - in fact it's been a fantastic year in many ways, but I don't feel the need to share these things. I might to very close friends.

I think the key is that most people like talking about themselves. If they tell me something, I'm genuinely interested and ask a couple of questions so they expand on it. I really like meeting new people and connecting with them. You can't get on with everyone - and I once read that nobody is universally likeable and, if they are, they are keeping their true self hidden.

@maybe I'll mention things I've bought for the baby that are top of the range things etc.

What does your DH say about how you come across? What did he think when he met you? Are any of your acquaintances close enough that you could ask them honestly about how they find you?

I'm willing to bet the answer is in your dislike of yourself. People are drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skins, who can be genuine and vulnerable without being needy. One way you can go about this is to get a therapist. A good one will tell you directly how s/he finds you and how easy they find it to build a relationship with you - and they can also work on the things you dislike about yourself.

Sounds like you're self defeating.
Do they really pull away or do you assume the first sign of them being busy is them pulling away so you pull away so they pull away etc?

How much time do you put in trying to grow friendships?

What kept DH around long enough for you to let him in?

Do you work / have kids / hobbies? Where do you meet new people?

Look. If you do want to change this you can't go down that road, the road of "it's all other people's fault for not seeing me properly". If you consistently struggle to connect then you are putting out something that other people struggle with. People aren't mind readers. They can only take you as they experience you. How much time do you spend asking yourself what good qualities you're missing out on from people you didn't like when you met them?

This. No one owes you six months of hanging about to see whether you're someone they like or not. Do you keep arranging to spend time with people you don't like the first, second or fifth time you meet them, in case they're actually lovely?

In the nicest possible way, if you're the one who is lonely and wants friends, the onus is on you to find a way of putting your real self out there so that people can get to know you.

Maybe you just aren't meeting the right people? All types of people can make friends. I can think of people who are shy and aloof, loud and brash, quiet and thoughtful, outgoing and lively, kind and generous, judgy and catty. They all seem to have friends. I also know lovely people who don't have friends in one environment but do elsewhere. They might be excluded and bullied at work, yet respected and valued at the tennis club, school gate or parish council.