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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband reckons I'm 'too mumsy'

120 replies

JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 09:17

So my husband and I were talking about relationships in general and the fact that some couples in the school our daughters go to have split up in the last year or two.

He made a comment to me that lately I am looking 'too mumsy' - I get the impression he thinks I am looking frumpy and should lift my game. What do you think? Should I feel offended or is he just being honest?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 09:18

How do you feel?

cloudtree · 15/10/2018 09:19

In my marriage I would see it as a slightly clumsy attempt to be helpful. Im sure others will be on telling you to LTB Hmm

BertramKibbler · 15/10/2018 09:19

He is just being honest but sometimes it’s not necessary. My husband has a little bit of a tummy recently, it’s not a huge issue so I’ve not mentioned it. It’s unkind to point things like this out in the person you love.

Mayhemmumma · 15/10/2018 09:20

Ouch. Mumsy to his children...he really shouldn't complain. You don't need to up your game, he does!

Connecting the comment to how he thinks you look to the news of people splitting up is awful, I'd be very offended.

53rdWay · 15/10/2018 09:20

And how’s he looking?

Jackshouse · 15/10/2018 09:20

I think you need to ask him what he means. He could be talking about appearance, that you are always in Mum mode and don’t get a break, that you try to mother him or loads of other things.

TimetohittheroadJack · 15/10/2018 09:21

Depends. Do you go home every night to 200 pound of rippling muscle or is your DH lying on the sofa playing his phone eating biscuits? Is he too dadsy?

ChippyPickledEggs · 15/10/2018 09:24

I do hope your husband looks like a young Paul Newman.

Original poster
JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 09:24

He was also making comments about how women with kids cut their hair short and start to look really mumsy, so it's definitely a negative as far as he is concerned...

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 15/10/2018 09:24

Surely he means he wants you to go on a major wardrobe-updating spree? And to ensure you have lots of time to get to the gym.

Littlechocola · 15/10/2018 09:25

Does he make an effort with himself?
Do you think you look mumsy? If so are you happy?

greendale17 · 15/10/2018 09:26

He is being honest. I would rather my partner tell me than not. And I would tell him. We don’t get offended at all

whynot93 · 15/10/2018 09:26

Hmm I'd want to delve a little further. It might be a kind comment and he's thinking you should take some time out to be pampered and get yourself a new wardrobe. Personally I'd take that option. Also what's he looking like these days? If it's an unfair comment given his sorry state I'd be quick to point it out. Either way you know your husband best so how do you feel the comment was made..

MrsGB2225 · 15/10/2018 09:26

I would use it as an excuse to go on a shopping spree. Then book a hair and beauty appointment at the weekend and he can have the kids!

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/10/2018 09:32

Ah so you’re looking mumsy. Well he’s being extremely wankery.

SoyDora · 15/10/2018 09:32

I think in the context of talking about people splitting up then it was a pretty shitty thing to say. Almost blaming the women looking ‘mumsy’ for the break up, then going on to say that you’re going the same way.
If you feel he has a point, then use it as an opportunity to take time out to do whatever you fancy to look/feel better. If you’re happy with how you look then... meh. Ignore him. I’m sure he’s no Adonis.

Undercoverbanana · 15/10/2018 09:40

He sounds like a bit of an arse. “Too mumsy” for what, exactly?

Too mumsy for him to fancy?
Too mumsy and he’s concerned that you might like some help round the house and a bit more me time?

How’s he scrubbing up these days?

It really depends what he meant imho.

QueenOfMyWorld · 15/10/2018 09:42

Make some comments about his 'dad bod'

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 15/10/2018 09:47

Definitely book yourself in for a hair do, a load of salon treatments and a shopping spree all on him!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 15/10/2018 09:48

Oh and a night out with the girls to a nice restaurant and cocktail bar!

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/10/2018 09:51

TimetohittheroadJack

Depends. Do you go home every night to 200 pound of rippling muscle or is your DH lying on the sofa playing his phone eating biscuits? Is he too dadsy?

Utterly brilliant Grin

Jackshouse · 15/10/2018 09:52

Surely he means he wants you to go on a major wardrobe-updating spree? And to ensure you have lots of time to get to the gym.

^ I like this.

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/10/2018 09:55

I thought sometimes men wanted to be 'mothered'. Maybe I got that wrong! In my therapy I am learning to 'ask' more. Perhaps ask him what he means, because that could be taken in all sorts of ways!!!! And prevent any resentment you didn't need to feel.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/10/2018 09:56

It depends on your relationship. He’s being honest, which I’d say was healthy. Whether it was said unkindly, only you know. Does he have a point? Does he only ever see you in scruffs these days?

I wouldn’t be offended. Like others have suggested, take the opportunity to treat yourself to some pampering and new clothes that YOU like yourself in. It’s good for your self-esteem to feel attractive. It’s a bonus if your DH gets the benefit.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2018 09:57

I do believe when we becomes 'mums' we often lose ourselves a bit.
How do YOU feel though?
Do you feel like you?
Do you look in the mirror and are you happy with what you see?
Is he a Michael Weatherly look alike?
Is he fit and well dressed?
Do you get any time to yourself?
Do you get to go to the gym or do a hobby of your own?
Do you have full access to all money?