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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband reckons I'm 'too mumsy'

120 replies

JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 09:17

So my husband and I were talking about relationships in general and the fact that some couples in the school our daughters go to have split up in the last year or two.

He made a comment to me that lately I am looking 'too mumsy' - I get the impression he thinks I am looking frumpy and should lift my game. What do you think? Should I feel offended or is he just being honest?

OP posts:

Spreadingcudweed · 15/10/2018 15:04

It's the same for men though, dad jeans, dad bod, dad dancing.

Absolutely, and I object to those phrases on the same grounds!

I don't think her husband said to her he found her unattractive or that it depended on her sex appeal only. And neither has anyone else. What is being said is it is very often part of it, for many people, Male or female.

Yes but it was raised in the context of a conversation about couples splitting up so was meant seriously (sorry op, don't mean that in an unkind way).

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 15/10/2018 16:30

OP I have heard a nicely timed affair helps dispense with a leaning towards Mumsy- when you have married an insensitive knobber.

Agree new wardrobe and plenty of child sitting for him....

busybarbara · 15/10/2018 16:31

I just can't see it as an insult. I thought "Milf"s were meant to be seen as desirable

SoyDora · 15/10/2018 16:47

‘Mumsy’ is pretty much the opposite of being a ‘MILF’ though isn’t it?!

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 17:13

He didn't call her a milf. He called her mumsy

Which kinda means a bit frumpy, dowdy, no sex appeal really, that you don't make an effort with your appearance. A milf is the opposite.

And I don't think he was threatening to leave her, we weren't privy to the conversation, and how it came up, but if he doesn't find her as attractive any more and feels she's not making an effort with her appearance only she can decide if it's something she feels is valid and wishes to fix. As said, some people would, and some would be deeply offended. There is no right or wrong here.

Although clearly the advice to have an affair is pure bonkers.

Quirkycutekitch2011 · 15/10/2018 17:53

My DP described one of my friends as mumsy & I thought that’s nice - she is a brilliant mum 😀 (and not at all dowdy she has a smile that lights up the room)

Rach000 · 15/10/2018 18:21

I probably wouldn't be too happy if my husband said it to me, but would understand. Would then go shopping for some new clothes etc.
I have told my husband before that he is looking too middle aged in certain clothes, especially when he also needs a hair cut. I am doing it to help him and don't mean it in a nasty way and still love him. But he would just wear the same boring easy clothes if I let him. He doesn't mind at all and just makes a joke and laughs.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/10/2018 18:39

My wife called me fat once. She was right even though I did not like hearing it from her. I spent years playing decent grade rugby and was ‘in shape’ until I hung up my boots and then slowly piled on the pounds. It was the kick up the arse I needed, she was sporty and looked great, I looked like a couch potato so hit the gym and several months later was back to where I used to be. When she called me out on my weight it was not out of malice but she did not like seeing her previously active husband slide into an unhealthy lifestyle.

peonysandhotcrossbuns · 15/10/2018 18:46

I think it's really hard in a relationship when the spark goes, not to blame each other rather than take responsibility for your part in it.
What's he doing to improve things between you?

Original poster

JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 20:17

Thanks everyone for your responses. To answer your question, yes he is looking 'dadsy' - he has put on a LOT of weight in the past year or so. I was too shocked to comment back I think when he said I look 'mumsy'. And yes I definitely think he does make a correlation between women looking mumsy and their partners leaving them...

OP posts:

MysteriousQuinn · 15/10/2018 20:23

There are certain things that can't be helped such as ageing, how a woman's body changes after having children and men losing their hair. But if DH gained loads of weight, wore unflattering clothes, didnt shave, had a bad haircut etc then I wouldn't fancy him, I'd still love him but I wouldn't fancy him. He knows this and I know that he wouldn't fancy me if I didn't take care of my appearance. It's not rocket science.
I'd prefer for DH to tell me if I was looking frumpy as I may not realise it myself and I'd want to do something about it. And not just for him but for myself as well.
Also if he told me I looked "mumsy" and I wanted to go and get new clothes and pamper myself he would gladly look after his own children while I do that and encourage me to spend as much as we could afford. He has done so in the past when I've felt like I needed a bit of a makeover.

Shambu · 15/10/2018 20:26

Do you think he makes any correlation between dads putting on weight and partners leaving them?

Or is it just women's job to stay looking fit?

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 20:28

Well you're going to have to go right back at him. Tell him he looks dadsy and has put on a lot of weight, so why don't you both work on it together.

See what he says then. Knobhead.

But again, how do you feel about yourself?

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/10/2018 20:31

Unbelievable. He’s got the self-reflection and empathy of a gnat. What an idiot.

Definitely say what Bluntness wrote ^

mikado1 · 15/10/2018 21:14

I think how you're feeling about yourself is the only important thing here. I have lost my way completely tbh and would have always liked my clothes and looking half decent most of the time. I've been a sahm which definitely didn't help, time, money or motivation wise! I had a look around the shops today and I don't even know how to shop anymore! But I picked up a few nice, if practical(!), things for myself and I'm already looking forward to it. I have been exercising, doing my own nails and looking after my skin and I'm definitely feeling a bit of a pep in my step. I've stopped seeing myself as bottom priority basically!

I'd be very offended with that comment tbh and I'd let him know but I'd be more upset if he'd touched a nerve.

Tigger001 · 15/10/2018 21:28

Do you feel you have gone mummsy? I wouldn't be offended if my hubby gave me an honest opinion on how he feels I look, so I think it depends on what sort of relationship you have.

My style has changed slightly since my DS was born and my DH has said certain tops he's not a fan of, as its completely different to what I usually wear but then I say if I don't like some of his clothes, if T Shirts look too tight , but ultimately its the person if they decide to wear it or not.

Personally I like my hubby to think I look nice, his opinion is 2nd most important. But I believe a partner should be able to be honest about everything and say if your style, weight, hair cut or anything has changed and their not a fan. I definitely would if my hubby changed and I didn't like it.

I doesn't mean we don't love and respect each other,if anything it proves we do. Don't humour me, just be honest.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/10/2018 09:17

Have you told your partner how ‘dadsy’ He is yet OP?

pudding21 · 16/10/2018 09:21

My ex used to say things like this. It was never in a " you are bnot going out like that way" he just eroded my confidence over years and years of saying things like I was "mumsy", dressed like MY mum, if I really was going to wear THOSE shoes with that dress etc.

It was part of a tactic to destroy my inner confidence. Thats why he is an ex. Its a derrogatory term "mumsy", and I would interpret that as he thinks you could be more sexy etc. Anwyay, my ex and I have been seperated 20 months and the other day he text me after picking up the kids to say "high waisted jeans, you are 40, not 14". And he made a comment recently about how I should have made more of an effort when we were together (while desperately trying to engage me to go back to him. Twat).

I feel much more confident than I did before, mostly because he doesn't look me up and down every mornign and comment on something. I can just wear whatever the fuck I want.

SandyY2K · 16/10/2018 09:25

he is looking 'dadsy

He's not worried about you leaving him then?

yes I definitely think he does make a correlation between women looking mumsy and their partners leaving them

Does he know which person chose to split?

I find his comments sexist in the light of your last post tbh.

JaneJeffer · 16/10/2018 10:23

Good on you pudding

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