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Original poster

Husband reckons I'm 'too mumsy'

120 replies

JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 09:17

So my husband and I were talking about relationships in general and the fact that some couples in the school our daughters go to have split up in the last year or two.

He made a comment to me that lately I am looking 'too mumsy' - I get the impression he thinks I am looking frumpy and should lift my game. What do you think? Should I feel offended or is he just being honest?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/10/2018 10:40

what the fuck does it even mean.

Mother doing all the shit work day in and day out decides to wear practical clothes and hair for a few years. Shock fucking horror
What does he look like?

ifonly4 · 15/10/2018 10:42

OP, obviously it's on your mind, so I think I'd want to know what he means by Mumsy. I'm sure he meant it as a generally comment, but it's bothering you. Is he talking about your clothes, look, figure, the way you act? Whatever, he says, as others have said, does he have the perfect outfit on 24/7, regular headcuts, a six pack etc?

You are you and need to feel comfortable for your every day life if you've got children. Yes, make sure your clean and have clean clothes which aren't falling apart, but how far should it go? For some people they're appearance is their priority, others it's a balance of spending time on themselves, their children, home and supporting other members of the family and we all only have to such time and energy.

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 10:44

I would feel inclined to agree with him, and say you feel you need some more time off to get back your mojo and ensure the next few weekends are spent at the hairdresser/manicurist etc and take him at his word. That would be what I would do 100%

You are a mother, so it is not such a surprise that you look like one! I would not be offended by this comment unless he was basically alluding to the fact you are likely to split up because of this....although this is not usually a reason for a couple to split up in my experience. I would press him on what he means by the comment.

If you are happy with the way you look, then forget it!

Chelseajunior · 15/10/2018 10:44

I'd appreciate the honesty.
I would rather my dp told me than secretly think it Wink

ivykaty44 · 15/10/2018 10:45

OP how do you want your husband to see you?

Do you want him to see you as mumsie? Do you not really mind how he sees you?
How did you think of yourself up to this point? How do you see yourself now - has his comment changed how you see yourself?

But most of all are you happy with who you are?

QuiteFabULousDahling · 15/10/2018 10:47

I would agree with him.
Buy lots of new clothes-he will need to look after DC while you do this of course.
Joina gym-a nice one and go regularly while he looks after DC.
Spa day ditto .

Dickhead

Helmetbymidnight · 15/10/2018 10:54

Does he mean, you are the mother to his kids, but he doesn't want you to look like the mother of his kids? He wants you to look like a ...what?

JaneJeffer · 15/10/2018 10:55

But of course men can have short hair and wear comfortable shoes their whole life. Just ignore him.

bellinisurge · 15/10/2018 10:57

Tell him to take over all childcare and domestic arrangements and give you wads of cash for a new haircut and clothes if you can't afford your own.
Then tell him to fuck off.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 10:59

How do you feel about you? Do you feel a bit frumpy?

How much effort, if any, do you wish to put in to ensure he finds you attractive?

Folks differ on this. Some think if their partner loves them they should always find them attractive irrelevant of how they present. Others think they should make an effort for each other. We don't really know which camp you're in.

Personally I'm in thr make an effort camp, and have no issue in saying to my husband to shave or put a nice shirt on, and I'd have no issue if he said something about me. Others differ though and think it's a hanging offence,

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 11:02

I think it really depends on your character. If it's something you genuinely don't care about and have never cared about, then it's perhaps a bit rude and for his own benefit.

However, if you are anything like me, I am really into fashion and grooming/beauty in general and would be horrified if I had let myself get 'mumsy' looking. My husband knows this and would let me know if he thought I would want to change but just hadn't realised.

He did the same when I put weight on quickly after an emotional period in our lives and he let me know and we worked together on eating healthier and being more active - I was grateful to be told as I just hadn't noticed, and was glad to get a wake-up call. It was never meant to be offensive, I was upset, but sucked it up and got back to where I wanted to be.

If you don't care about being mumsy, then by all means tell him to shut up

HoppingPavlova · 15/10/2018 11:03

I would thank him for pointing this out. I would then point out that in order to ‘rectify this’ you will now be going out several nights a week and on weekends to rejuvenate yourself (indefinitely). During this time he will have the kids. You know he will be excited about this and no doubt eager to assist you while you address this Grin.

lalafafa · 15/10/2018 11:05

I think there’s 2 schools of look when it comes to Mums. The ones who give up and go for functionality, short hair, easy throw on comfy outfits that look generic, low maintenance nails and make up.
The others who still bother to make an effort with their appearance.

EK36 · 15/10/2018 11:07

I had this from my husband too. It hurts doesn't it? I was upset at first then angry. After a week I realised that I was looking a little overweight and frumpy as most of my clothes were elasticated and my hair hadn't seen the hairdresser for nearly two years. I bought a small fold up excerise bike, I do an hour most mornings. I see my hairdresser once every eight weeks. And I've updated my wardrobe. Some skinny fit jeans, nice pair of sandals and flat boots and plain tops. I feel great now and wished I had never stopped treating myself. I'm now saving up for a lovely coat. Start treating yourself.

JaneJeffer · 15/10/2018 11:07

I think there’s 2 schools of look when it comes to Mums. The ones who give up and go for functionality, short hair, easy throw on comfy outfits that look generic, low maintenance nails and make up.
The others who still bother to make an effort with their appearance.
Give up?

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/10/2018 11:16

@lalafafa so if you've got short hair and are a mum you've given up? Jeez. Is this a zombie thread from the 1950's?

Ilikeknitting · 15/10/2018 11:16

Have you turned into your mum? Do you dress ‘age appropriate ‘? Could you find a ‘new look’ that is maybe a little less “mumsy ”, not necessarily for every day, but for a night out. Do you ever have date night?
Look, it’s not for me (or anyone else ) to tell you how to dress, but if you wore stockings, or thongs or crotchless pvc for you DH in the early days, and now you wear Bridget Jones big pants and lilac cardie with beige sta-pressed slacks he will miss the girl he married.
It’s fine to wear comfy or practical or safe clothes day to day, just make sure you still have a few ‘treats in store’ from time to time, keep him on his toes and keen.
Ps, currently I’m giving you this advice whilst wearing a v neck sweater and black jog pants. I’m no expert

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/10/2018 11:18

Well the 'make sure you have some treats in store to keep him keen' has just confirmed that this thread is well and truly in the 1950s

Helmetbymidnight · 15/10/2018 11:19

I think there’s 2 schools of look when it comes to Mums. The ones who give up and go for functionality, short hair, easy throw on comfy outfits that look generic, low maintenance nails and make up.
The others who still bother to make an effort with their appearance.

Really?

I'm at the school gates in work clothes, going out clothes, doing DIY clothes, doing nothing clothes and doing sports clothes (that last one quite rarely :), all depending what I'm doing or going to be doing that day. So are most of the other women I know...Which are we all then?

Shambu · 15/10/2018 11:22

Everywhere I go dads look dadsy. Grey, receding hair, frown lines, bit of a paunch, jeans the wrong side of 40 starting to look a bit Jeremy Clarkson. I wonder how many of their partners complain about it? Would wives prefer it if they started dyeing their hair, wearing black leather jackets and buying a sports car?

HeartburnCentral · 15/10/2018 11:22

Did you ask him what exactly does he mean? What does 'Mumsy' look like? Confused

SoyDora · 15/10/2018 11:25

It’s fine to wear comfy or practical or safe clothes day to day, just make sure you still have a few ‘treats in store’ from time to time, keep him on his toes and keen

I despair.
What treats does your DH keep in store for you to keep you keen, Ilikeknitting? Rubber thongs?

SoyDora · 15/10/2018 11:25

Yes, the vast majority of dads I see look pretty ‘dadsy’.

PickAChew · 15/10/2018 11:28

Where's the OP?

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 11:29

FWIW, if you think your husband is looking dadsy then by all means tell him! I am constantly telling my husband to iron his clothes, put different shoes on, get a hair cut, trim his beard etc etc and he is happy to hear it because he doesn't notice or really care about those things himself but wants to look presentable at least. I encourage him not to eat junk constantly and to get off his bum and go to his sporty hobby. It's a partnership of many many years - we want the best for each other... why are some people so offended by this?!