Husband reckons I'm 'too mumsy'

[JaneL72]

So my husband and I were talking about relationships in general and the fact that some couples in the school our daughters go to have split up in the last year or two.

He made a comment to me that lately I am looking 'too mumsy' - I get the impression he thinks I am looking frumpy and should lift my game. What do you think? Should I feel offended or is he just being honest?

It’s fine to wear comfy or practical or safe clothes day to day, just make sure you still have a few ‘treats in store’ from time to time, keep him on his toes and keen.

Barf

I am constantly telling my husband to iron his clothes, put different shoes on, get a hair cut, trim his beard etc etc and he is happy to hear it because he doesn't notice or really care about those things himself but wants to look presentable at least. I encourage him not to eat junk constantly and to get off his bum and go to his sporty hobby.
Now that is mumsy! He's a grown man not a child.

As predicted this is always divisive. Those who prefer partners to make an effort for one another and have no issue kindly commenting to each other v those who think it's a hanging offence.

What I don't get it those suggesting to punish him. Tell him you need a whole new Wardrobe, go out every night, it's all just a bit petty and ridiculous really. How some folks stay happily married I really don't know. No effort made, no comments permitted, punishment and passive aggressive comments doled out if you do. It's really not for me, but can see others prefer to live like that.

I’ve always had short hair as my hair is fine( sometimes thinning) it suits me as I’ve nice cheekbones. I met my now dh when I was two stone heavier. I wear sporty clothes lots of the time as so go to the gym 4 times a week and walk kids to school. My husband put on loads of weight years ago and I can’t remember if i said anything. Why is mumsy a negative thing? The implication is that one has given up - I haven’t . I like the natural, sporty/fit look if that’s mumsy then that’s what I am.

I’m torn on this. The way I interperate ‘mumsy’ has nothing to do with being a mum. If someone called me that i’d feel that they were calling me frumpy, dowdy or rough.

I don’t feel the need to dress up for my husband but I also do want him to fancy me. Fancying someone doesn’t mean that they have a six pack or designer clothes but it does mean making the best of yourself and I feel dh does try to dress well and style his hair. I would feel that if dh called me mumsy he had recognised I wasn’t making the effort I have previously.

There’s also the self care element. It’s not the 1950’s to look after yourself, moisturise, put some make up on (if you wear it), get your hair cut, dress nicely. Our society is becoming overly slobby. I work in an office and someone has turned up today in tracksuit bottoms and it looks awful.

We can't assume Bluntness that because her DH says she looks mumsy she's not making an effort. She may be making a great effort and her DH doesn't like her style.

There was a woman on here once who said she made a great effort to always be groomed - often wore dresses and heels, and her DH complained he wanted her to wear jeans more.

I also note that the amount of effort men are expected to put in to be classed as 'making an effort', compared to the amount that women have to, is widely divergent.

The thing is, I don’t think that in a mutually loving and respectful relationship it’s ‘wrong’ to mention that your partner may have lost their way a bit, if meant kindly. It’s the context here that rings alarm bells.
Couple talking about a spate of break ups amongst their parent friends. DH mentions that some of the females had started to look a bit ‘mumsy’. DH goes on to say that his wife is also starting to look a bit mumsy. To me, it seems like he’s saying ‘be careful or our marriage will go the same way’. I could be completely wrong, it’s hard to tell from the OP (and she hasn’t returned).

Don't know if OP is coming back but when my children were little I resorted to hoodies and jeans and trainers. Every day. Now I have more time and money on my hands I look better in my mid forties than I did in my 30s (or at least I think I look better) I'm much happier and confident. I did let myself go.
It isn't a nice thing to say and I don't believe in dressing in 'man pleasing' clothes. But if my partner suddenly started wearing a tracksuit day in day out I wouldn't find it attractive. If that makes me sound shallow then so be it.

"Those who prefer partners to make an effort for one another and have no issue kindly commenting to each other"

I don't think "too mumsy" is a kindly comment. Its blunt and crass. He could have said something about the other couples break ups along the lines of couples in longer term relationships needing to appreciate that if they want to keep the spark of attraction going it needs work and effort, staying attractive for your partner, making the occasional romantic gesture...and then something like - hey perhaps we (i.e. him too) have food for thought there and should be careful not to fall into that trap?

Better than you're looking a bit mumsy (subtext : you old frump - get together or I'm gone!)

get it together

I wouldn't call wearing jeans and hoodies mumsy though. Mumsy means dowdy.

Agreed. It rather depends upon the jeans and hoodies and who is wearing them
definitely not frumpy

Those who prefer partners to make an effort for one another and have no issue kindly commenting to each other v those who think it's a hanging offence.

Or those who think what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

I’d need to know how her husband keeps himself attractive to the OP before I can decide how much of a knob he is.

I'm single mum and been having a tough time with DD. Am constantly knackered amd stressed. I haven't unpacked my clothes properly since we moved house so justvwear what I can fine that's clean. My 'beauty regime' consists of basic hygiene and tending to the painful acne cysts that break out along my jawline. I don't look mumsy; I look like I'm on glue. I would like to bother doing my hair and putting on makeup and coordinating a nice outfit but don't get around to it. I know it would give me a bit of a lift if I did bother and, yes, I do want to look nice for my partner. He makes an effort to look after himself and while appearance isn't everything, I think it's good to want to look and feel attractive for each other. But mainly for yourself.

ROFL @ the Dadsy Dads

Loads round here

Blue Harbour the go to
Jeans and tucked in shirt with awful shoes
SuperDry and North Face for the Try Hard Dad, sometimes with rucksack

No moisturiser in sight

I don’t know how they can leave the house looking such a disgrace

Do you have short hair and practical clothes? Like most men do, without anyone breathing a word of criticism?

Do you have a body that has changed after going through pregnancy and birth, in order to bring his children into the world?

Does he do his fair share of housework and childcare, so you have time to spend on your appearance if you wish?

Looking “mumsy” i.e. like a mother shouldn’t be a bloody criticism.

'Blue Harbour the go to
Jeans and tucked in shirt with awful shoes
SuperDry and North Face for the Try Hard Dad, sometimes with rucksack'

What’s that old saying? Be carful what you wish for. I’ve seen a few of the mums at school, when the kids got a bit older they join a gym, lose weight at start to take more time and care of themselves.

I think it must make them take a sharp look at their husbands as many seem to split up soon after, and most of them look much happier for it.

Am loving that Amortentia

When I'm not at work, I'm in jeans and boots. And I have short hair (suits me - I could NOT be doing with Meghan/Kate style hair) that is 50/50 grey. I work as a Receptionist, and have a uniform, but don't bother with nails or make up. And I am constantly amazed at the women older than me, who look fucking fantastic in whatever they are wearing. The blokes, OTOH, even those younger than me, are paunchy, grey/thinning/bald and dressed in joggers or baggy jeans.

Who needs to make an effort?

My husband makes an effort and so do I. He doesn't like me wearing track pants out of the house and I don't like when he gets his hair cut too short. We're honest and no one is offended. We've been together since we were 21 and 20 years later I think we have too much respect for each other to not communicate truthfully.

I'd be offended!

First, I object to the word "mumsy" being used in a perjorative sense. Why is being a mother (one of the most important roles a person can have in life after all) automatically associated with a boring lack of style, lack of vra vra room, lack of attractiveness? Some of the most stylish and dynamic women I know are sahms! (I'm not remotely stylish btw but they are.)

Also it's a bit of a shallow way of looking at a long term relationship surely? That your attractiveness depends solely on your sex appeal? Surely there are some other factors involved such as one's character, kindness, generosity of spirit etc?

But I could just be feeling sensitive because I've put on a shed load of weight recently and my haircut is a short "Clare Balding".

We can't assume Bluntness that because her DH says she looks mumsy she's not making an effort. She may be making a great effort and her DH doesn't like her style

Sure, which is why I asked on an earlier post how she felt about herself.

It might be interesting to ask your other halves and see what they think of as " mumsy" . Everyone carries an image with it and you see it out in the street every day .

First, I object to the word "mumsy" being used in a perjorative sense

It's the same for men though, dad jeans, dad bod, dad dancing.

Also it's a bit of a shallow way of looking at a long term relationship surely? That your attractiveness depends solely on your sex appeal

I don't think her husband said to her he found her unattractive or that it depended on her sex appeal only. And neither has anyone else. What is being said is it is very often part of it, for many people, Male or female.