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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband reckons I'm 'too mumsy'

120 replies

JaneL72 · 15/10/2018 09:17

So my husband and I were talking about relationships in general and the fact that some couples in the school our daughters go to have split up in the last year or two.

He made a comment to me that lately I am looking 'too mumsy' - I get the impression he thinks I am looking frumpy and should lift my game. What do you think? Should I feel offended or is he just being honest?

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 15/10/2018 09:58

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/10/2018 09:59

People with kids cut their hair short so are mumsy? Okaaaaay. I've got a pixie cut and 3 kids so I must be very mumsy to him. I hope he isn't too dadsy with his short hair cut and kids.

overagain · 15/10/2018 09:59

I don't really see what is wrong with him saying it. It isn't like he was mean about it, just pointing it out. I'd much rather be told. DH and I have similar conversations and neither of us get offended, we just evaluate and if we agree/ fee it is important, change it.

LimitIsUp · 15/10/2018 10:02

Do feel free to share you own thoughts about his presentation, grooming and general allure with him OP

Seaweed42 · 15/10/2018 10:02

The thing about men is that because they put weight on above their waist, they can go around in the same size trousers for decades despite having grown a massive belly on top.

RomanyRoots · 15/10/2018 10:15

Is he a fine figure of a man then?
I don't think I'd have been happy with comment in context of the conversation.
as for short hair, well top business women have short hair, to be able to concentrate on getting out for work on time.
I'd buy a new wardrobe and treat myself to new hairstyle etc, if it will make you feel better and boost confidence.

badtime · 15/10/2018 10:16

Short hair is 'mumsy' now?

All short hair? Like a leopard-dyed buzz-cut?

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 10:17

Most people don't realise that they are gradually letting themselves go, time gets shorter, priorities change and you end up going for easy and comfy (which usually looks like short hair and a wardrobe full of Clarks shoes, TU and Joules). I would much rather know than let him slowly resent me and eventually break up because 'the spark has gone'...

aloeveraowyadooin · 15/10/2018 10:19

You were having a conversation about split-ups and OH said he thought you look 'mumsy' in that same conversation? Was that his rationale for the separations?

OK...

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/10/2018 10:19

@spanishwife where do you buy your non mumsy clothes?

Im0gen · 15/10/2018 10:22

You should defo join a gym and spend at least one day each weekend and one night a week there.

And book some treatments , spa days whatever you fancy.

And of course some new clothes and hairstyle.

Remember these things take time and money and I’m sure your husband will understand that you are only doing it “ for him “.

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 10:25

Ganni, Zara, Mango, Uterque, Bimba y Lola, Sandro, Massimo Dutti, H&M, Net-a-Porter, The Outnet, Sezane, M&S... etc etc

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 10:25

Above comment in response to @saganorenscarandcoat

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/10/2018 10:26

Fucking hell.
I think I've woken up in the fifties.
I can't believe people are telling you to get your hair done, and buy some nice clothes.
I would be asking him what did he mean.
I have never known any couple to split up because of the way one of them dressed

HereIgoagainxx · 15/10/2018 10:27

He's being honest. Ask him to elaborate and most definitely treat yourself. Personally, I appreciate honesty so I would not be bothered by this.

Rhiannon13 · 15/10/2018 10:30

If there's no male equivalent of a word it's not a valid concept, it's just a way of belittling women.

Have you ever heard a man described as 'dadsy'. No. So don't worry about it.

How is he looking btw?

lovetherisingsun · 15/10/2018 10:30

Well, his attraction for you obviously is only skin deep. So you can either do what will make his dick erect and become "unmumsy", because the implication in your conversation with him is that that is why the other couples split up, or do what makes you feel happy. Which of course if it is indeed making his dick erect then fine, you do that. But if your happy how you are, I would be wary about changing yourself for someone else when you know you're only doing it to ensure he remains attracted to you.

Davespecifico · 15/10/2018 10:30

Perhaps he'd been reading this.
www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/mum-hair-actually-designed-to-ward-off-men-2013030862130

MrsBertBibby · 15/10/2018 10:32

I can't believe people are telling you to get your hair done, and buy some nice clothes.

I think people are being sarcastic. I know I was!

cloudtree · 15/10/2018 10:33

Well, his attraction for you obviously is only skin deep.

what a load of crap. how can you possibly know this. DH and I have been together over 20 years and are very happy. He would tell me this sort of thing (and would be happy for me to spend a bit of time and money on myself). That does not mean his attraction to me is only skin deep Hmm Likewise I know he has put on some weight and would tell him (in an appropriately kind way). That doesn't mean Im only interested in his body.

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/10/2018 10:33

@spanishwife thank you! I'll now head off to those shops and grow my hair.

ChocoPoppy · 15/10/2018 10:35

Two ways of reading a comment like that, in the context of chatting about other couples splitting up it could be a sly dig that those relationships ended because the little women "let herself go" so be warned wife that at the first sign of a comfortable pair of shoes and he is off.

If he was being kind and giving you a heads up I think a kinder approach would be "Wife you give so much of yourself emotionally and in time and labour to our family and I love that about you, but I worry that at times you do not make yourself a priority, so here is a gift certificate for la-dee-dah beauty salon and I booked a mini break for you to relax as I want you to feel appreciated and to be the vibrant, energetic woman you are for a long time"

TheFifthKey · 15/10/2018 10:37

Well, he's telling you something. Whether you want to listen to it or not is up to you. Whether you think it's relevant or not is up to you. Whether you want to be offended by it is up to you. But he's trying to communicate something here.

Bouledeneige · 15/10/2018 10:37

Oh I'm sure that's hard to hear. I'm not sure its very kind but it is honest. I bet he's not exactly an adonis.

But as others have said it does depend how you are feeling and want to feel and look. When we have children it is pretty hard to keep feeling good and well turned out - I know I struggled with time and weight gain.

I've always loved clothes and so I do try to have a good haircut and colour and nails, and decent-ish clothes (though I'm struggling a bit). I no longer have an other half - he went after younger models so maybe that tells you something...

But I also think there's a risk that when women become mothers they become a bit sunday school teacher and mumsy in their attitudes - a bit judgey and boring. So I'd say make sure you have a life that still allows you to be you - have fun, a laugh, time out from kids and be a bit silly. That coupled with how you're feeling about yourself helps I think.

The80sweregreat · 15/10/2018 10:39

does he have a 'dad bod' or a bit overweight or lost some of his hair or not as fit physically as he once was?
If he is offering for you to have a pamper session or mini make over or whatever seize the day, but make it clear its a one off and nobody can look glam every single day ! ( not without a team of people behind them, which most normal people don't have of course)