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Original poster

Did you get married knowing your now dh didn't really want to?

116 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 19:13

Dp and I are going through a real rough patch. We've been together for 10 years and have ds (6)

I've wanted to get married for years. Dp is the laid back type and has never been arsed. Its caused row after row. I hate that we're not married, I feel insecure and I hate having a different name to ds.

4 years ago dp asked me to marry him. We bought a ring etc... then never planned a thing. I'm insecure bringing it up as I know he doesnt really WANT to. He will... to make me happy shut me up but I'll always know that he didn't WANT to.

Marriage only really gets spoken about in anger and it's made our relationship really strained.

We're on the verge of breaking up over it. Were trying to talk through it but he doesn't really understand the emotion i attach to it. Today dp said 'I'm prepared to marry you' but can't understand why that doesn't fill me with joy.

Is there any point? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 20:38

.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 05/10/2018 20:41

He will never marry you, you know that, don’t you? If he wanted to you’d be married by now.

LatentPhase · 05/10/2018 20:42

Well no, there doesnt seem any point. I’m afraid I am struggling to understand why you would want to get married if you are:

Going through a rough patch
Insecure
Can’t actually understand how each other feels on the subject

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 20:45

He would. Tomorrow if I booked it. But he'd not place any importance on it.

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 05/10/2018 20:46

It would be horrible though to get married knowing that he was only marrying you to appease you....plus you are going through a rough patch so it sounds even more miserable. It’s tricky because you want him to want to marry you and he doesn’t. Would you be happier in a different relationship with someone who does?

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 20:48

The rough patch is because of this.its me who's led us into the rough patch. He was happily plodding along.

I don't want to be with anyone else.

OP posts:
Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 20:48

What a sad situation. I know plenty of couples who have had a very quiet wedding with just a few witnesses because they didn't want a wedding but wanted a marriage. I think he doesn't want a marriage, just the benefits of the relationship as they stand.

Argonauts · 05/10/2018 20:49

I was the one who didn’t want to get married. My DP had proposed on a number of occasions, and I always said no. I loved, and love him, but marriage is historically freighted with misogyny and really not an institution I have much time for. But it mattered to him, and when a practical reason came up, I agreed, as long as we did it casually and privately. I love him as much as ever, and it’s changed nothing — our son has both names, and it never occurred to me to change mine — but I’d still prefer not to have married.

So he married me knowing that if he’d called it off on the day, I’d have been pleased, though also knowing that I loved him enough to do something purely for him.

Bythebeach · 05/10/2018 20:49

As for having the same name as your son - did you assume one day you would change names? You can do that without marriage or maybe change your son’s name to yours although at 6 that is probably unfair to your son.

GenericHamster · 05/10/2018 20:49

What if you had a registry office do. You get security you want without big deal he doesn’t. Would he be interested in that or at least happily go along? If not I’d be frustrated.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 05/10/2018 20:54

My mum and step dad are married, most people I've ever spoken to about it don't think he wanted to. He would say all the time for almost 10 years that he was never getting married again (this is his second marriage) it was, and is really awkward. They married in secret, which isn't what my mother wanted. There was no celebration, not even a family meal. We feel sorry for her but can't say it.
"I'm prepared to marry you" would piss me off.
I guess marriage is important to some but not others, for me if it would mean I was sad and angry for years/forever I'd have to leave.
You could change your name or Ds's name if it upsets you? My kids and I are double barrels.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 20:55

Argo - thank you. It's interesting to hear the other side.

I'd be happy with register office. He'd go along with it. He's not horrible, just not interested in marriage. I know that he wants to be with me - just doesn't share my want to marry.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2018 20:58

My dad married my stepmother just because she wanted to, she had never been married and it was meaningful to her. He did it as a gift to her.

You want to marry, do it. He’ll never be that romantic man proposing and feeling it, but if he wants to be with you forever, then he loves you.

Oly5 · 05/10/2018 21:05

I’m like your DP. Not really interested in being married. I place little importance on the institution of marriage.
I’d marry my dp if he desperately wanted me to and it was a dealbreaker.. but it wouldn’t change my apathy about getting married. I love him, I don’t want anyone else, I just don’t feel some huge need to be married.
So, I’d say accept that he wil marry you and do it... but don’t try to force him to muster some intense, crazy desire to be married! He loves you, he’d do it tomorrow. Trying to get him to feel as pro-marriage as you is ridiculous.

Seniorschoolmum · 05/10/2018 21:11

Op, your dp loves you. You have a son together, and a home. He is willing to enter into a contract that isn’t a romantic gesture or a surname, but has financial and long term impact.
Being willing to marry you even when it isn’t a big romantic thing for him, means he’s doing it to make you happy and to give your dc some security. That’s quite significant isn’t it? It’s not the most romantic thing ever, but still important.
You admit you don’t want to be with anyone else. My mum (no longer around) would tell you not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Smile

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 21:58

senior you've just set me off crying again. You're right, really you are. I just can't see how a ceremony of any kind would go when I know he's not keen.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/10/2018 22:03

I think senior is right too. Can you ask him- I know you’re doing this for me, can we talk through what it would look like? Are you hoping for a signature in a room with scungy carpet at a registry office and two friends dragged there to sign? Are we able to have friends there? Are you able to give a speech which says you love me?
I guess think before hand what type of wedding would be acceptable if he wanted to marry you but didn’t want a fuss. I think I’d need the part where he says he loves me and I’d probably need some close people there to hear to feel ‘married’.

MelonBuffet · 05/10/2018 22:15

You need to have a proper talk without anger. Explain why it’s important to you even though it isn’t to him, and say that you don’t want him to just go along with it, because then you won’t feel happy about it. He needs to commit to marrying you because he knows it’s important to you and he wants to make you happy.

My DP isn’t fussed either, he’d happily cohabit and stay as we are, but I’m not prepared to go into sharing property and the financial implications of living with him, without some commitment. As the lower earner and one most likely to contribute in ways other than financial, I won’t be put in a position where he gets all the benefits of a live in wife, but I don’t get the benefits of having a husband.

anniehm · 05/10/2018 22:34

If it's the insecurity of not being married that worries you then a tiny (or completely private) registry office wedding sounds like you are getting what you want but also respecting the fact he can't quite see why you need a bit of paper. It does give you certain advantages particularly if something awful happens whilst your dc is young. Many men are pretty indifferent to getting married to be honest, but I think it's the wedding bit they find a bit crazy, rather than the concept of marriage - two witnesses and a registrar worked for us fine.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2018 22:53

If he's never been keen on marriage and you knew that after 4 years...why did you have a child with him? Or has it only been an issue more recently?

"I'm prepared to marry you" wouldn't work for me.

If someone didnt share my views on the importance of marriage...they wouldn't be the one for me.

You can be sure wheg there's arguments in the future ...it'll be thrown in your face

"I never even wanted to get married and you knew it"

There's also no way I'd change my name to his without marriage. That just seems desperate to me.

Double barelled would have been preferable ... or better still your surname.

If a man can't or doesn't want to marry you, the child shouldn't have his surname IMO.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 23:15

Its me that's changed the boundaries. I thought I wasn't bothered. I haven't been in the past but that was before dp. Its him. I just feel a real need to make us official. I don't just want to be married. I want to marry him. I just wish he felt the same.

OP posts:
Vivaldi1678 · 06/10/2018 06:34

You may feel insecure but that's because you are, in a legal sense, as you do not have the rights and protection of a spouse. Why didn't you arrange the marriage when he proposed? Did you have doubts at that stage? Would counselling or a trial separation help?

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2018 06:48

Why didn't you plan it when he gave you a ring? You could have given your son both surnames or just your surname. Your partner doesn't sound that bothered about your lives together really.

glintandglide · 06/10/2018 06:52

I actually think this is fairly common but often the person who wants to be married just ploughs ahead and plans it all regardless of the lack of interest.

n0ne · 06/10/2018 07:58

Sort of. I wanted to get married, DH didn't see the point. I even proposed to him twice and was gently knocked back, although he swore he wanted to be with me forever. After 6 years and DD1, I was at the end of my tether, but just as I was about to lose my shit, he finally said, lets do it.

We had a low-key wedding but there were still guests and food and music and I got to wear a nice dress. And ironically, after the fact, he actually likes that I'm his wife and not just his partner.

A lot of men don't want the fuss and attention (tbf, a lot of women don't either, that's certainly not what I was about) but if he's prepared to do it, even if he sounds grudging, just do it. You can sell it as a party with a wedding at the beginning - that's how DH saw ours, and then he got enthusiastic about it.

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