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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did you get married knowing your now dh didn't really want to?

116 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 19:13

Dp and I are going through a real rough patch. We've been together for 10 years and have ds (6)

I've wanted to get married for years. Dp is the laid back type and has never been arsed. Its caused row after row. I hate that we're not married, I feel insecure and I hate having a different name to ds.

4 years ago dp asked me to marry him. We bought a ring etc... then never planned a thing. I'm insecure bringing it up as I know he doesnt really WANT to. He will... to make me happy shut me up but I'll always know that he didn't WANT to.

Marriage only really gets spoken about in anger and it's made our relationship really strained.

We're on the verge of breaking up over it. Were trying to talk through it but he doesn't really understand the emotion i attach to it. Today dp said 'I'm prepared to marry you' but can't understand why that doesn't fill me with joy.

Is there any point? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

Zigazagazoo · 06/10/2018 08:03

My dh wasn’t fussed about being married, but he knew how much it meant to me. So we got married. A very simple do, nothing fussy.
I also told we wouldn’t be having children until we were married, so it was his call really.

PolytheneSam · 06/10/2018 09:35

Is it marriage or marriage + wedding and all bells and whistles?

If the former and he is the practical guy you describe go with registry office.

AJPTaylor · 06/10/2018 09:45

Untangle marraige issue from whether he loves and values you. Does he?
If the answer to that is yes, book the wedding and do it. People have whole loads of reasons for not valuing getting married. Its not the same as him not valuing you or your relationship.

Argonauts · 06/10/2018 10:36

I want to marry him. I just wish he felt the same.

Well, I'm sure that my now-DH wishes I'd been wildly enthusiastic about marrying him, rather than refusing on a number of occasions over several years, and finally reluctantly agreeing, as long as we did it without fuss and in private. But my feelings are and were just as important as his. I got married because he wanted to, despite the fact that I would rather have stayed with him unmarried -- I didn't see it as my job to fake-gush pretend enthusiasm about the whole affair, and I would have been annoyed if he expected it.

Don't get me wrong. I adored and adore him, and the love had nothing to do with marrying him or not marrying him.

WasFatNowThin · 06/10/2018 10:42

Why did you let your ds take your dp's name?

princesstiasmum · 06/10/2018 11:00

I was the one who didnt want to get married,but was blackmailed into it,i had twins with him and 2 children from first marriage,
I was told of i didnt marry him i could go an find somewhere else to live, which was impossible with 4 kids [i tried]
I resented it forever,and eventually got out when babies were older
Dont force him, he might resent you for it
If he loves you, he will stay with you anyway

Angelf1sh · 06/10/2018 11:02

Given how you’ve described it, I’m not sure why you want to marry him tbh, but you do. You are engaged so he’s committed already to the concept of marrying you. Get on and plan your wedding then! You’ve said you got engaged and then he didn’t plan anything, but why didn’t you? Book a date at a registry office or religious or secular venue of your choice and take it from there. It doesn’t have to be a huge event if neither of you want that.

RandomMess · 06/10/2018 11:03

DH wasn't keen because he didn't want a wedding, plus we already shared finances, house 3 DC, cats so felt very much stable and married.

Afterwards he regretted not having a bigger wedding 🙈 well inviting more people!

He's glad we did it and we were happier as it was a bone of contention in our relationship.

MrsCar · 06/10/2018 12:49

My dh was the exact same as yours. We were together for years and had a child too.
It caused the very same arguments you describe, as well as much sadness for me - mainly because we were attending so many weddings where I could see how blissfully happy the bride and groom were, (who were usually together a much shorter time than we were) and I just wanted dh to WANT that.
Like you, I knew he would marry me, but I wanted him to want to.

Eventually, at 30, I just woke up one day and told him that I was contacting the registrar to send us forms for marriage. He was, as I expected, not enthusiastic, but perfectly fine about it.

Over the next few months, he really got into it, and I think actually was more excited about it than I was.
We had a fabulous, happy day (albeit small) wedding, and it has given me exactly what you've said you're missing; security, as well as feeling happier and closer to him now that I can call him my husband. The doubt I had that he didn't love me or want to commit to me is gone too.

What I'm saying is, some men are just like that... happy to plod along. I have no doubt that had I not got the ball rolling and set a date, we would still not be married. Dh was never going to propose or set a date, that's just the person he is.
Maybe yours is the same?

I should add that if I had any doubt before the wedding that dh didn't want to marry me, I wouldn't have went ahead. You need to see which one it is.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 06/10/2018 12:51

Yeah he was on the fence. We got married mainly to make the immigration process easier for me. And we wanted to be together, so the easiest way was to get married and speed up the process.... If we'd have lived in the same country I don't think we'd have married as quick. For me though, marriage is a necessity : not for the big white dress but for security / legalities around marriage.

Lauresbadhairday · 06/10/2018 13:01

My now DH didn't want to get married. I didn't want to have children until we were married. In the end he reluctantly agreed and the next day I booked the registry office. I called him at work to ask him if he was free on X date and when he asked why I told him we were getting married! We had a very small wedding with only our parents as witnesses and afterwards went down the pub! This was 20 years ago, we are still happily married and he has never once thrown it back in my face.

LeftRightCentre · 06/10/2018 13:03

I wouldn't want to marry a person who wasn't keen to marry me.

QueenoftheNights · 06/10/2018 13:07

what about a civil partnership- would he do that?

I think you are wrong to want marriage for 'security' if by that you mean he won't leave you. That's hardly true is it- 40% of marriages break down.

if you feel you NEED to be married to hold onto him, something is not right with your relationship and won't be helped by marriage.

On the other hand unless you are joint home owners, have your own income and pension and could support yourself and DCs ON YOUR OWN, then you'd be wise to marry for financial protection.

Too many threads on this forum from women who didn't appreciate they would get NOTHING if their partner buggered off / or he owned the home.

What's the circs with you?

OuchLegoHurts · 06/10/2018 13:11

I'm sorry, but in my opinion, if you really truly love someone and are not selfish, and they really want to get married but you're not bothered, then you do! Not being bothered is a fairly neutral position so if it will make your loved one over the moon with happiness, then you should be delighted to do that for them. Unless you don't want to BE married. And that's a problem, again, in my opinion. Why not do that one thing for the other person and enjoy their happiness... Unless you don't want to fully commit.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 06/10/2018 13:22

Thanks so much everyone. You've given me so much to think about.

I don't want a civil partnership, I want to have a husband. I want to be a wife. The vast majority of our friends and family are married and I want to be.

Its not an effort to keep a hold on him. He wouldn't leave me. He's devastated that we're in the position we're in.
We're talking now which is good but things are still really strained.

I'm stubborn and I'm desperately trying not to let that get in the way. Neither of us are sleeping properly and it's shit.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 13:23

In the end he reluctantly agreed and the next day I booked the registry office.

I just couldn't marry someone who was reluctant. If I'm not worth marrying.. then I'll happily find someone who shares my feelings about marriage.

MrsCar · 06/10/2018 13:23

A personal question, but are you planning more kids together?

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 13:24

I agree..a civil partnership wouldn't cut it for me.

LeftRightCentre · 06/10/2018 13:26

I think CPs will soon be abolished. There's no need for them now same sex couples can marry.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 06/10/2018 13:29

No, no more children. I'm 40 now. Not giving ds my surname is a huge regret. I know that having different names is fine for lots of people but I hate it. Ds often says I'm the odd one out.

OP posts:

Lalala2018 · 06/10/2018 13:29

Please don't settle for this relationshit. If you want ton get married, find someone else who feels the same. Everything else is just a waste of time. Him saying marrying you fills him with no joy says it all. Everything else is a case of logistics. You deserve to live your life happy, not just plod along. Let this relationship go and prepare yourself for the life you want...it's really just that simple.

SwedishEdith · 06/10/2018 13:31

I wouldn't want to marry a person who wasn't keen to marry me.

But he's not not keen to marry OP, he's not keen to marry. Big difference.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 06/10/2018 13:32

Its really not that simple. I feel selfish and ridiculous for even thinking of ending us over this. We've been together for 10 years, we have a life together.

OP posts:

ChimesAtMidnight · 06/10/2018 13:41

Playmobil I don't understand the devastation at your situation ? Your DP is willing to do as you ask and you are happy with a small registry office marriage so why the angst ?
For what it's worth, my DH wasn't fussed either; he was happy for us to live together but I wanted to marry and so we did.
Best wedding I've ever been to - a few close friends and family came to the registry office and then all back to my mum and dads for a party.
That was almost 47 years ago and we are still together.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 06/10/2018 13:49

Chimes - it's hard to explain.

I think because this has been on going for so many years that it's now associated with upset.

I'm proud of our relationship and to me, getting married is a celebration. I absolutely don't want a fuss or a big do. But I want a small celebration. I want a happy photo or two. A nice day. I think I'd feel like I was dragging a corpse over the finish line of a race.

OP posts:

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