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Relationships

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Original poster

Did you get married knowing your now dh didn't really want to?

116 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 19:13

Dp and I are going through a real rough patch. We've been together for 10 years and have ds (6)

I've wanted to get married for years. Dp is the laid back type and has never been arsed. Its caused row after row. I hate that we're not married, I feel insecure and I hate having a different name to ds.

4 years ago dp asked me to marry him. We bought a ring etc... then never planned a thing. I'm insecure bringing it up as I know he doesnt really WANT to. He will... to make me happy shut me up but I'll always know that he didn't WANT to.

Marriage only really gets spoken about in anger and it's made our relationship really strained.

We're on the verge of breaking up over it. Were trying to talk through it but he doesn't really understand the emotion i attach to it. Today dp said 'I'm prepared to marry you' but can't understand why that doesn't fill me with joy.

Is there any point? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 07/10/2018 09:03

You need to at the very least make wills if you don't marry

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 09:05

In the end if he's not prepared to stand up in public and say he loves you and that after he's gone he wants you to be looked after financially, then he deserves to lose you. He already says he loves you, so that bit should be easy. After he's dead, who does he want to get his pension - the state or you?

If he wants to stay with you, he's being ridiculous.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 09:06

Maybe next time he's stalling you should say, "Well, it's time for me to find someone who loves me enough to commit himself to me" and tell him it's over between you. If that doesn't shock him into action, then he wasn't worth having.

SongforSal · 07/10/2018 09:11

Dp and I have been together nearly 20 yrs since I was 17 and we aren't married. He's the one that wants to, it's just not important to me. He's now started banging on about this civil relationship thing we can do which is getting annoying. I just don't like what marriage stands for, I'm not religious, I don't want a ring, nor do I want a name change, a ceremony or any of the shizzle associated with marriage. Its never been a deal breaker for us, but for others it could hold more importance. Just have an honest chat about his reservations.

QueenoftheNights · 07/10/2018 16:25

so if and when he dies and you are not married, if his children have his surname, his assets will go to them. If they are under 18 they'd normally need a guardian as the money would be held in a trust.

If you both die together (say in a car car cash) how would your children stand? Who will look after the assets they inherited?

farewill.com/blog/why-unmarried-couples-need-to-have-wills-25UKHRJRPCQqUyMC06cKSg

You both really need to grow up and get this sorted.

If you are not going to marry you MUST do your wills. Or do them anyway!!!

ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/10/2018 17:17

He says: I'm prepared to marry you.

Grudging much ?

OuchLegoHurts · 07/10/2018 17:48

I'm really sorry to say this, but I know 2 situations of long term relationships in which the man didn't want to get married to the girlfriend. When they broke up, both men were married within 2 years... Turns out they were really into marriage when they met the right woman! One had been going out with his girlfriend since they were 16. At 39 he broke up with her and was straight into a new relationship, engaged within a year!

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2018 08:26

Really good pension pots but obviously we're not entitled to each other's. This is a massive part of the argument. As is NoK
What argument? He’s said he will marry you so he is happy to share all these things. That aspect doesn’t change if you have 2 or 200 people at your wedding.
I think you should consider individual counselling before destroying a relationship that you say was great except for one thing, and for you he’s prepared to do that one thing given how much it means to you and the legal ramifications. But you can’t be happy with that.

QueenoftheNights · 08/10/2018 09:11

@playmobilpirate

Really good pension pots but obviously we're not entitled to each other's. This is a massive part of the argument. As is NoK

I really suggest you look at your finances. AS far as I know, you can nominate your partner to receive your pension when you die - I suspect you are maybe both in public sector work?

Next of kin is a legal situation. His children are his NOK if they are over 18 and if not it would be his parent(s.)

You both really, really, need to see a solicitor, get your wills sorted and make provision for your children if the worst happens.

You need to setup a guardian till they are 18 and a trust fund for assets because neither of you would inherit from each other unless there is a will.

MeetMeInMontauk · 08/10/2018 13:00

It seems to me like you are after something that no longer exists. You say that you don't want a pity or duty marriage, yet you know (and have known for years) that he's not that keen on the idea, so that ship has sailed. Probably no amount of effusive convincing from his quarter would change that status now, even if he was so inclined. But he has claimed that he would go through with it for your sake (a pretty large compromise, in all honesty). So you are left with two options as I see it, or a dramatic third. 1) Accept his offer in good grace, even if it fails to meet your ideal scenario, 2) let it go completely (but still sort out the various legals as best you can) or, 3) call time on proceedings. It's not like you've been duped here, OP, you freely admit that you've shifted the goalposts. In that case, it's unreasonable to also be trying to set the terms of engagement literally.

Adora10 · 08/10/2018 13:28

Not for me, a man that is prepared to marry me out of me nagging him, no, no thanks, I think that's highly insulting but maybe that's just me.

Nothing wrong with wanting a marriage and a wedding OP, it's pretty normal to want that, especially with a child, it confirms the love as well as giving you more financial stability. Totally get how you must feel pissed off about it, I think I'd take his reticent as not really wanting the same as you and therefore the dynamics of the relationship would change forever for me, I'd seriously be re-evaluating my future with him, happy to have a baby but not happy to actually cement anything.

Samantha2018 · 08/10/2018 13:43

I wouldn't push for it any longer! Accept that if he wanted to he would've (I have) imagine you get to the day and can see on his face he can't be arsed!

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 13:47

Sorry, but if someone said they didn't want to marry me I would assume that they didn't really love me

Like a pp, I was the (female) person who didn't want to get married, in my very happy longterm, committed relationship, also because marriage is an institution which comes with so much misogynistic freight for me -- it was never something I saw in my future, and it was certainly not the 'natural' direction in which I saw my relationship as headed, after more than ten years of happy togetherness.

It mattered to DP, and so I eventually agreed, but I would prefer not to have married. It was not that I didn't want to marry him, and it was not that I wasn't committed to him, and not that I didn't love him enough. There are perfectly good feminist arguments against marriage.

foolishme · 08/10/2018 13:50

Yes I did and I'm now mid divorce. If marriage only gets spoken about in anger then that's no basis for planning a wedding. Don't waste your time.

Trinity66 · 08/10/2018 13:51

No I wouldn't want to get married to someone who didn't want to marry me

MumOf5Monsters · 08/10/2018 14:05

I’m like you OP.
I’m desperate to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with DP and if I’m honest he feels the same as me. I personally think every woman should experience a wedding day.... being dressed up beautifully, all eyes and attention on her.... it’s a selfish perspective o suppose but I really want it.
DP thinks otherwise. While
I know he’s not going to go anywhere, his excuse is that he could think of better ways to spend money..... to better our lives.
I just want to be his wife and it breaks my heart that I might not ever be a wife 😢💔
Some men just don’t see the importance of it to some women I guess ☹️

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 14:20

I’m desperate to get married.I want to spend the rest of my life with DP

I personally think every woman should experience a wedding day.... being dressed up beautifully, all eyes and attention on her.... it’s a selfish perspective o suppose but I really want it.

But you're confusing a wedding with a marriage, Mumof. I'm married, and I did it via a ten-minute registry office ceremony wearing jeans and a peacoat with two witnesses. I was planning to spend the rest of my life with my DP whether or not we got married.

Some men just don’t see the importance of it to some women I guess

I'm a woman, and I was the one who didn't want to get married. I did it for my DP, because it made him happy. Me not wanting to marry him
hasn't set us on a course for divorce -- we've been together happily for 27 years.

Are you sure you've communicated to your partner that you want a marriage, not a wedding -- which you can do for about £150?

Adora10 · 08/10/2018 14:42

Sad reading, men who purport to love you forever but won't sacrifice one day of their life to celebrate that love with a wedding day (does not have to be expensive) with respective families and friends; also offers no financial security, no will, no security for you or child that no doubt you are the main carer of.

They walk away when they feel like it, marriage is not just about a Wedding day, it's meant to make a couple stronger, it did for us.

Sorry but a man who digs his heels in this vehemently clearly does not want to put all eggs in one basket.

MumOf5Monsters · 08/10/2018 15:51

SondheimFan....
I want both.... I want to desperately be his wife and also I want to feel like a princess for the day. I don’t want an expensively lavish day, I would happily do a registry office. He says if he does it, he wants all the trimmings..... all done properly.... venue, big do, cars etc. But he says we can’t afford it. Which I guess is true. But I’d settle for small and intimate and less expensive to just be his wife ☹️
In the earlier days of our relationship, he’d talk about doing it abroad..... now it seems like he doesn’t want to even talk about it because it’s an unreachable dream. It’s so frustrating..... I think if we won the lottery it would be possible 😂😂

Scott72 · 08/10/2018 15:58

It sounds like he's afraid of the legal commitment MumOf5 and is just using the expense of a lavish wedding as an excuse.

Graphista · 08/10/2018 16:32

WHY doesn't he want to get married? Do you know where you stand financially in the event of you splitting or his dying? Would you manage in either of those scenarios? Inc probably not getting maintenance for your child? (He seems the type frankly!)

Songforsal - marriage has nothing to do with rings, religion, name changing or even a fancy wedding necessarily. It's a legal contract that confers rights on a spouse. Rights which many have regretted not having in the event of partner leaving or dying. Death in particular is problematic I've posted often about this as I've seen the nightmare that can result in real life.

The "but feminism, misogyny" argument doesn't really hold up when the reality is it's usually women disadvantaged by NOT being married. Women live longer so are more likely the one left dealing with the aftermath of partners death, women earn less, have lower pensions, more likely to reduce hours or become sahp when children come into the relationship, are thus more financially dependent on their partner which generally might not be an issue while things are going well - the problems arise when they go wrong!

Sakura7 · 08/10/2018 17:13

Hear hear Graphista

I don't see how marriage is misogynistic in this day and age.

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 17:31

I'm afraid you will have to allow me to determine whether or not the misoygynistic history of marriage matters to me or not, Sakura and Graphista.

I have never in any way been financially dependent on my husband. It never occurred to me to stop work or work less when I had a child. Women in a weaker position may need the legal protections of marriage -- I did not. I married purely because it was important to my husband, and I love him.

I came on the thread purely to say that not wanting to marry someone is not necessarily a sign of lack of commitment or love, and that agreeing to marry someone purely because it is their wish does not necessarily signal anything bad about the relationship.

MumOf5Monsters · 08/10/2018 17:59

Scott72
He doesn’t have any assets that I would be legally entitled to if things didn’t work out.
I just think he’s a tight arse And would rather spend money on a house or a car (we are looking at buying a house next year together)

Sakura7 · 08/10/2018 19:09

Mumof5 You could say you're not prepared to buy a house with him until you have the security of being married, which is fair if its important to you.

Sondheim Not saying your view isn't valid, of course it is, I just don't agree personally.

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