Did you get married knowing your now dh didn't really want to?

[PlaymobilPirate]

Dp and I are going through a real rough patch. We've been together for 10 years and have ds (6)

I've wanted to get married for years. Dp is the laid back type and has never been arsed. Its caused row after row. I hate that we're not married, I feel insecure and I hate having a different name to ds.

4 years ago dp asked me to marry him. We bought a ring etc... then never planned a thing. I'm insecure bringing it up as I know he doesnt really WANT to. He will... to make me happy shut me up but I'll always know that he didn't WANT to.

Marriage only really gets spoken about in anger and it's made our relationship really strained.

We're on the verge of breaking up over it. Were trying to talk through it but he doesn't really understand the emotion i attach to it. Today dp said 'I'm prepared to marry you' but can't understand why that doesn't fill me with joy.

Is there any point? Anyone been through similar?

Argh, that doesn't even make sense. I just don't want to feel like a mug. I don't want a pity or sticky plaster marriage.

Personally OP, I'd set a deadline... that if you're not married in 2019, that's it, you're out...

Ah Playmobil, this sounds tough. Well, generally I’d advise not having kids/buying a house with an issue like this hanging over a relationship. However, that ship has clearly sailed. Looking forward, what do you want? Because really this can play out in 3 ways:

A) You stay unmarried and drop the subject (seems likely to end in a break up due to resentment, as this is so important to you)
B) You get married (this can go one of two ways: things improve because you’re happier, or you break up because DP felt pushed into it- seems unlikely since he is “prepared to get married”)
C) You break up over this, your child has separated parents, you both (you and DP) lose the partner you love... Then you may or may not meet someone else.

I’d advise making a big effort this weekend to be friendly, happy, drop the subject. On Monday find out when the registry office is available, and then suggest booking it and having a small ceremony with a few close friends/family. I agree with PPs that he’s unlikely to suddenly become smitten with the romance of it all. But this way, you get your commitment, your security, and I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time on the day.

It would be such a shame to throw 10 years away, over this...

I just don't want to feel like a mug. I don't want a pity or sticky plaster marriage.

But you say you're not marrying him to hang onto him, and that your relationship is strong, committed and generally happy why would it be a 'pity or sticky plaster marriage'? He's agreed, but made it clear as I did to my DH -- that it's something he's doing for you, because it matters to you. That was as much as I had to give, OP (and again, I can't stress enough how much I loved and love my DH, and how committed to him I was and am). I would have been very exasperated if he had expected me to display pretend enthusiasm as well.

Some people on this thread are equating enthusiasm about marriage with the worth of the relationship, when in my situation, it was never that. Your partner has agreed to marry you, OP -- is it really worth throwing away what sounds like a good, committed longterm relationship because he's not as keen on marriage as you are?

If you just wanted marriage you could do that next week without telling anyone.

You actually want a wedding, albeit a small one, presumably because this isn't just a legal thing to you.

Is your DP a bit shy, hates a fuss?

Just go to the registry office and get it done and get on with your lives.

He’s prepared to marry you so why don’t you book the registry office? It doesn’t matter if he isn’t bothered about the finer details of your wedding. It means that you can go ahead and book a small, simple ceremony with your closest friends and family.

Argonauts
I promise I'm not being smart or goady here, just genuinely trying to understand your perspective (as I've been in the OP's position and it lead to a break up).

What exactly is the problem with getting married? To me, if you love someone and want to spend your life with them, become a family, etc, it's natural that you would want to marry them. I would question why someone was holding back.

In my case, my ex knew I wanted to get married but kept fobbing me off, and after 7 years I made it clear it was a deal breaker for me. A couple of weeks later he left me. That to me is a sign that the relationship wasn't strong enough and he didn't love me enough to commit. Hard as it was at the time, I'm glad I dodged a bullet.

If you love your partner and are committed to the relationship, why not get married?

You may find that if you decide to go ahead he does muster some enthusiasm for it.

It does mean a lot when someone else compromises for you. That is a sign of commitment and love.

Is there anything you have compromised on in the past, how does your DP feel about that?

@Sakura7 but if you don't believe in marriage, think it's just a piece of paper, that it doesn't change how you feel about the person (ie that you want to be together forever), why would you get married? Surely you've come across people with that view before? It's not unusual.

I don't feel that way but DH did. He went along with the wedding because he wanted to please me. But if I'd not been bothered we just wouldn't have. We'd still be together forever, no less committed.

But if it's 'just a piece of paper' then why are some people so set against it?

I totally understand not believing in religious aspects of it and that kind of thing, but ultimately it's about committing to make yourself and the person you love a family in the eyes of the law (whether that's with or without children). I can't help thinking people who waver about that aren't comfortable making a commitment to their partner. It doesn't make any difference to their day to day life so what exactly is the down side?

BTW I'm not saying your DH isn't committed n0ne, he did marry you because he knew it was important to you. I've just heard of so many examples of people being together years and one partner 'not believing' in marriage, only to split up, find someone else and run down the aisle. It feels like a cop out to me in a lot of cases (but not all, of course).

I must admit that I hate it when people say that marriage is “just a piece of paper”. Partly because I don’t think it is and partly because that piece of paper gives quite a few advantages - like not having to pay 40% on your partner’s half of the house on his death and being able to receive a widow’s pension (some employers will give a widow’s pension to cohabiting couples but I know that my old one does not).

Things That Are 'Just A Piece Of Paper':
-wills
-DNRs
-passports
-driving licenses and professional licenses
-university degrees
-college qualifications
-deeds (houses, burial plots, land)
-tenancy and lodger agreements
-loan agreements
-letters of reference
-court summons
-fixed penalty notices

Yeah, 'just a piece of paper' is the most ridiculous strawman going.

I just wish he felt the same.

That's not fair. He has no control over what he wants and he's been honest with you about it, which is always a good thing. Despite not wanting to, he is willing to marry you. He is willing to get married because you want too.

That has to be enough; or there is no future here. You can't ask him for anything else.

Before you throw this away, though; I'd have a real look at whether this is really about getting married. He's willing to marry you; you've got a ring and a son and 10 years history. It seems bizarre to throw that away now because he isn't desperate to rush you up the aisle. Surely if marriage is this important, you talked about this in the early days? Why has it changed for you now?

Do you want a wedding or a marriage?

Marriage is the legal bit, it makes you both next of kin, if you had a medical emergency, your parents or siblings would make the decisions and vice versa.
There are also tax, insurance and inheritance issues.

Fine if one of you has financial assets you want to protect from the other

If anything bad happens to either of you, the other loses out on the widow/ers pension of £2000.

A wedding is all of the above plus a party...

If you both plan to stay together, and trust each other, a marriage is a no brainier. A wedding is down to your choices.

[A good friend of mine died suddenly, soon after inheriting a large amount of money, he’d been putting off getting married, until they could do it right! His son has inherited directly, leaving his partner with nothing, fortunately his partner had her own money and his family is lovely, could have been horrific.]

Does he love you? Are you both happy? Are you a good match?

Then get married, don’t worry that he’s not super excited. Tell him how much it makes you happy getting married, because you love him, and are a family. He might surprise you by enjoying the day!

My ambivalence about the institution of marriage is on record ha. But you've been together for 10 years and have a child together. Yes he may be reluctant about marriage. If he were very keen about it he would have been married years ago. But by the sound of it he still wants to marry you, and you two can make it work.

You have a whole fantasy image of what a wedding and marriage should be like, starting with a very happy fiance springing a surprise proposal on you. That's the romance movie, media depiction. Real life rarely works out like that. You have to work with that you have.

OP has this got anything to do with the assets being in his name only?

Lots of people got the surprise rom com proposal, had lovely jointly enthusiastically planned weddings then their marriages went to shit eventually anyway.

Yes some people had the fairytale. For some it lasted.

Work with what you have is great advice.

If you aren't going to marry please make sure any assets are protected.

Do you jointly own a home
Have you reduced hours at work due to having dc

Just be careful I know it's extremely unromantic but essential to be aware.

Do you rent or own your home?
Whose name is it in?
Who is the main breadwinner?
Could you support yourself?
What provision is made for you and the DC if he dies? And vice versa
Does he have a will?
Do you have a will?

^^
This is what marriage entails - partly- it gives legal protection to the other person when one dies or leaves the relationship.

I don't think you are being totally upfront with us.

You seem to want the name of a 'wife' for some reason yet are appearing to ignore the serious issues of assets and financial security.

Apologies if that's wrong and you are a multi-billionaire banker, but for me, the practical side of things is as important as the ring on the finger.

If he says he's ok about marriage, then just bloody get on and book the date, the place, organise a small party or whatever and do it!

You both sound as bad as each other.

Sorry, but if someone said they didn't want to marry me I would assume that they didn't really love me.

I can't see how a marriage would work well with one half being uninterested in being married. The person who isn't bothered isn't actually against marriage, just not for marrying the person who wants it. How many times have we seen women on here saying 'I had x number of kids with him, been with him x number of years, begged for marriage, he kept refusing so I took your advice and left. 6 months later he's married someone else'.

It's not the idea of it. It's the person involved. Yeah he may love you and not want you to leave, but if you were the right person he'd want to call you his wife. And that sucks for you because he doesn't want to. He's 'not bothered' which is not enthusiastic to any degree. It's not you at all, it's him that's the problem here.

You can make him marry you and maybe everything will be OK. Maybe it's just nerves and he'll be happy afterwards. But have a talk with him first and find out what the real reason is. It's not because he's not bothered.

We do pretty much the same job. I'm slightly more senior so earn the same despite him working 5 days and me 4.

House is jointly owned with a small ish mortgage left. No will. Really good pension pots but obviously we're not entitled to each other's. This is a massive part of the argument. As is NoK

Communication has gone to shit again.

How about a civil partnership, now that it's legal for straight couples?