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Relationships

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Original poster

Did you get married knowing your now dh didn't really want to?

116 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 05/10/2018 19:13

Dp and I are going through a real rough patch. We've been together for 10 years and have ds (6)

I've wanted to get married for years. Dp is the laid back type and has never been arsed. Its caused row after row. I hate that we're not married, I feel insecure and I hate having a different name to ds.

4 years ago dp asked me to marry him. We bought a ring etc... then never planned a thing. I'm insecure bringing it up as I know he doesnt really WANT to. He will... to make me happy shut me up but I'll always know that he didn't WANT to.

Marriage only really gets spoken about in anger and it's made our relationship really strained.

We're on the verge of breaking up over it. Were trying to talk through it but he doesn't really understand the emotion i attach to it. Today dp said 'I'm prepared to marry you' but can't understand why that doesn't fill me with joy.

Is there any point? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

Graphista · 08/10/2018 19:10

Sondheim - do you feel the same about the NUMEROUS other historically misogynist institutions you use on a daily basis?

MumOf5Monsters · 08/10/2018 19:40

@Sakura7
Good call! 👍🏻

puzzledlady · 08/10/2018 20:20

yikes - OP, i would tread carefully. He doesn't want to get married but will 'to make you happy?' - Sorry, but that sounds like he doesn't want to and i fear forcing him will just end in misery in the end. The whole connotation of being married now is tied to frustration, angst, hurt, sadness on both your parts, are you sure you want to go through with it?

What you don't want is to be at the alter/registry office, looking beautiful in a dress and looking at your partner knowing he doesn't actually believe in marriage - that will kill you. Good luck OP - whatever you decide to do.

CluedoAddict · 08/10/2018 21:55

Sort of. My DH has never believed in marriage. I knew he loved me unconditionally and it wasn't that he didn't want to marry me it was the whole marriage thing itself. We decided to have children but I wasn't going to have them without getting married. We had a small wedding. He is happy now we did but nothing really changed about our relationship. Now been married 18 years.

sixnearlyseven · 08/10/2018 22:00

Just start planning it, and tell him it will be happening on x date after you've booked .

QueenoftheNights · 09/10/2018 07:55

@Playmobilpirate I wonder if you are reading still and have heeded the advice about sorting your finances legally. This is a big issue. You both need a will or it's going to complicate things terribly if you do not marry and one of you dies.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 11/10/2018 22:59

Queen I am still reading- I took a break for a couple if days as it's been a tough week.
People seem to think it's black and white. It's not.

We've talked - a lot. We've rowed and cried and talked a bit more. Communication is difficult - he was brought up to not show emotion whereas mine pours out. We find it hard to find a middle ground.

OP posts:

MumOf5Monsters · 23/11/2018 13:28

Can I just give a little update to my posts that I wrote......

Guess what I'm getting for Xmas!!

He asked what I wanted for my present.... a new car, a break away from the kids or a ring..... he knew damn well what I'd ask for!
So I am excited beyond belief..... I'm wondering every time we go out..... is this it? Will he do it on Xmas day?? He's told his parents and although I kinda know about it and it's not gonna be a surprise I'm shocked that he's doing it!!! 😀😀😀😀

purplelass · 23/11/2018 13:49

I wanted to 'be married' but DP at the time didn't see the point.

We did it, had a nice day but he still didn't see the point of it.

He cheated on me after 14 years and we divorced so turns out it really did mean nothing to him.

If it's for the sake of having the same surname as DC then change yours by deed poll. From my experience marriage only means something if both partners feel that it should.

yetmorecrap · 23/11/2018 13:55

If there are practical security reasons such as a lot of assets or a house etc and you are at a disadvantage then I would go ahead anyway, if there aren’t, I wouldn’t bother if he is apathetic

BookwormMe · 23/11/2018 13:59

It's a really tough one, OP, and I sympathise. My OH never wanted to marry because he'd watched too many couples he knew get divorced. He told me from the off and at first I thought he was kidding and he'd changed his mind. When I realised he was adamant, I was so upset and almost walked. Then I asked myself what was more important: being with the man who was the love of my life or being married/having a wedding? I chose him and I don't regret it and we have a lovely life with our DC if he hadn't wanted kids that would've been the deal breaker. BUT when we bought our house I had our solicitor draw up legal papers to protect my finances, which my OP agreed to in a heartbeat and when civil partnerships are made legal for heterosexual couples we'll be entering one. Now, decades later, I don't care about not being married. I prefer being a partner in every sense of the word.

It sounds to me that what you want is for your relationship to feel validated and celebrated. Is a civil partnership ceremony something that would appease you both? We're going to host a massive party when we do ours!

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 19:57

So marry him!

You want to marry, he will marry you, I dont see the issue.

He doesnt place the same importance on it as you do, and never will whether you marry or not. That doesnt mean he actively doesnt want to get married, which would be a whole other issue, just that it isnt as big a deal to him as it is to you. I dont see that he is doing it to shut you up but to make you happy because he loves you and knows that marrying you would make you happy.

I think YABVU to have a go at him because, although he is offering what you want, he isnt as cock a bloody hoop about it as you are. And no man ever organised anything to do with a wedding except his suit ime......and not always then!

Lovinglifemostly · 23/11/2018 23:05

Mumof5. That's exciting news. Hope it's a lovely ring and romantic proposal.

Weenurse · 23/11/2018 23:16

Just book the registry and tell him when, ask if he wats to go for a meal afterwards and if he wants to invite anyone.
He needs to know you want him to have access to you pension and be able to raise your child if anything happened to you.

Northernparent68 · 24/11/2018 09:04

I have not read the whole thread, but there are references to the benefits of marriage. I’m not sure what these are. Every benefit of marriage can be achieved by other means, a house can be owned jointly, you can make a will, organise your own pension.

JovialNickname · 25/11/2018 16:06

I am a firm believer that a man will break down walls to be married - if his wife to be is the one he wants to be married to. OP think of your partner's ultimate crush - Angelina Jolie? Kate Moss? Heidi Klum? If that woman wantedto be married to him, would he say yes in a second and propose? If not then yes you're right, he just doesn't agree with marriage. If he would, then he would fall over himself to make the right woman his wife. And that person wouldn't be you xx

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