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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How do i make him stop - trigger warning - rape **Thread title edited by MNHQ**

83 replies

femline · 05/10/2018 08:11

I can't handle this anymore and I need help with my OH. This morning he woke up and was touching me sexually. I rolled away but he didn't stop. He asked for sex and I said no. Then for about 5 minutes he sat there begging me "please babe", "you know you want to", etc. In the end I rolled on to my stomach and he just started anyway. So he's.. doing the deed, and I'm kinda just led there with my head in the pillow wishing I was anywhere else. He then out of nowhere started choking me and I could barely breathe. He was squeezing my neck so hard it hurt. I started crying (silently) at this point. He "finished", got up, said "love you" and left for work...

I wish I could say this was the first, or second, or fifth time. How do I stop him? Or AIBU as his wife and do I just go with it?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 05/10/2018 08:15

You get yourself any any DCs to a place of safety and you leave him. Where can you go?

Havaina · 05/10/2018 08:16

Why won't you leave him? He's abusing you and pressuring you into sex. Has he raped you? He could kill you with the choking. Please leave. x Flowers

TanteRose · 05/10/2018 08:19

This is awful Sad
You are married to a rapist who might kill you one morning.
You need to leave - I’m not joking.

crapface · 05/10/2018 08:19

You don't 'get him to stop' because he wouldn't. You've said no and he still continues. It's rape. I wouldn't normally say it, but you need to leave.
My exh used to do the same to me and it destroyed me, it's taking a long time to heal from it.
I hope you figure out what is best for you.. good luck x

kaytee87 · 05/10/2018 08:20

Leave him. He's a violent rapist.
Call the police and women's aid.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 08:20

Do you have friends or family nearby?

Tell them he’s doing this to you.

Pack your stuff, take the dc and leave.

Call women’s aid, too but do it form somewhere of safety.

Ilovewillow · 05/10/2018 08:22

He is abusive - FULLSTOP! Are you able to leave easily? I would leave as soon as you can and not look back! Do you have children? Do you have someone you can talk to? I've not been in the situation but I understand that there are groups out there - womensaid tel:08082000247.

Please think about yourself, you have my thoughts and best wishes!

Babdoc · 05/10/2018 08:22

OP this is serious and potentially life threatening. Please contact Women’s Aid and the police, and get this violent criminal removed from your home and your life.
Marital rape is illegal and choking someone is a serious assault.
You need to protect yourself before you end up adding to the statistics of the 2 women who are murdered by their partner every week in the U.K.

PickledChutney · 05/10/2018 08:24

Say No, then get out of bed, then take your children and leave him.

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 08:25

@femline Yesterday you posted about someone at work who was violent to you in July and wanted to know whether you could still go to the Police. That you've been suffering nightmares, anxiety, all sorts of things since.

If you feel that should be reported to the Police, I think you know that what your husband doing is also just as abusive and that you should not "as his wife just go with it".

You know precisely what to do about both situations. You have two abusers to deal with, one of whom is your own husband. Police and leave in both instances.

Fannybaws52 · 05/10/2018 08:25

In a perfect world you would call the police on 101 and tell them what happened. They would then arrest your disgusting rapist and you'd be free.

He is using coercive control to assault you regularly. You are being raped.

Please find the strength to kick him out. The choking is a huge red flag.

Only you can make this stop. Pick up the phone and tell someone what he is doing. He will escalate and things will get worse. Nothing about his behaviour is normal. He doesn't love or respect you, you are a hole to him.

Find the strength.

Mulberry72 · 05/10/2018 08:25

Oh love, evil bastard is a rapist who could have killed you!

Get yourself together, get the DC and get away from him. Phone the Police and Women’s Aid.

So sorry you’re going through this xx

Original poster
femline · 05/10/2018 08:26

I have no family or friends. I don't know where to go. I have a 9 month old too.

OP posts:
Original poster
femline · 05/10/2018 08:28

He didn't think the police would take me serious about the other situation. It put me off going too. Maybe he just wants me to avoid all together

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 05/10/2018 08:29

Honestly anywhere is better than living with this excuse for a man.

Make your plans to leave but don’t let him know. Gather important documents and anything you need for your baby.

Speak to woman’s aid. He IS abusing you.

You deserve better , your baby deserves better.

boolala12 · 05/10/2018 08:32

You have to leave.

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2018 08:32

He's a violent rapist who will kill you. Please leave.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 05/10/2018 08:37

He raped you love :( and clearly has been doing that few times.
He is also violent. Chocking someone is a very dangerous thing to do, ESPECIALLY if you can’t see their face.

Please contact Women Aid and the Police.

You need help to get out there before he is getting even more violent.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 05/10/2018 08:39

Oh and I would ask MN to move this thread to Relationship. You will be getting very old advice for there too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2018 08:39

He's a marital rapist who could kill you.
Leave, take your baby and anything else you can carry and go.
Call Women's Aid and get out.

This is NOT acceptable behaviour, not in a marriage, not anywhere. You do NOT have to "put up with this" because you married him.

Get out, please.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 05/10/2018 08:39

Women's aid - now.

Gersemi · 05/10/2018 08:41

Gather together your own and the baby's vital documents, contact Women's Aid and the police today. You can get an injunction to keep him away from you.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 08:44

OP he is a rapist, I’m so sorry. Choking especially is an enormous red flag for dangerous domestic violence also.

Whatever he tells you, I promise you you are worth more than this. You are important, you do matter, you are worthy of love and of respect, you have the right to refuse sex, you have the right not to be afraid and to be heard when something difficult has happened to you.

I suspect he doesn’t want you to go to the police in case he is outed as an abuser.

I’ve put some links up to organisations who can help you, and will listen and take you seriously.

Please consider talking to them, you need to be told that you can leave and they can help you.

rape crisis

women’s aid

freedom programme

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/10/2018 08:45

Please call woman's aid. Are you still with health visitor/start rite? If so, please call and tell them.
Also if you can, please call the police, they will take this seriously.
He raped you and physically attacked you. He doesn't care what you want or your basic need to feel safe. He doesn't stop from hurting you and he doesn't care that he did.
Your DC will grow up thinking that that behaviour is normal.
Protect your DC and yourself.
Read 'why does he do that'. Start getting out the house and making a support network. If you've no friends/family then pick where you want to live and work towards that ASAP. Start an emergency bank account, sell old babies toys/equipment your partner won't miss and save the money for an escape fund.
Stay safe

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/10/2018 08:47

But please, please realise this is not normal. This is not how a loving partner acts. There is a better life waiting for you. One where you don't need to worry about being raped, choked or being without a support network. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than living like you are now.

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