How do i make him stop - trigger warning - rape **Thread title edited by MNHQ**

[femline]

I can't handle this anymore and I need help with my OH. This morning he woke up and was touching me sexually. I rolled away but he didn't stop. He asked for sex and I said no. Then for about 5 minutes he sat there begging me "please babe", "you know you want to", etc. In the end I rolled on to my stomach and he just started anyway. So he's.. doing the deed, and I'm kinda just led there with my head in the pillow wishing I was anywhere else. He then out of nowhere started choking me and I could barely breathe. He was squeezing my neck so hard it hurt. I started crying (silently) at this point. He "finished", got up, said "love you" and left for work...

I wish I could say this was the first, or second, or fifth time. How do I stop him? Or AIBU as his wife and do I just go with it?

Oh I cross posted! Well done on deciding to call WA. You brave brave woman

Come on my love, you can do this, great that you're going to contact women's aid, do it now, this morning if you can. It doesn't have to be like this

I guess you must be afraid of him or you would get out of bed, not stay there to be abused, have the screaming hereby jeebies at his utter disrespect and a serious talk about how this cannot happen and is a relationship ender. Is he violent and controlling, abusive in other ways?
Please run as fast as you can, local council may help with housing but agree women's aid or local women's health, domestic violence groups would help. Get out now. Good luck

OP don't apologise- great that you are going to get help.

You will get support- it is there- they will find you a safe place.

He physically assaulted you and raped you - you have to go to the police

Please don’t apologise!
No victim should ever be made to apologise for what they have or are going through. EVER.

That’s amazing that you are contacting WA.

Please carry on posting if that’s any help. Been able to talk about it to complete strangers can make a big difference. It helps putting things into perspective, knowing that you are not getting crazy. Use that support if you need or want to.

OP don't apologise for a second for this excuse of a man, as others have said he's raping you, and physically abusing you. You have done nothing wrong.

You're doing great getting in touch with women's aid.

You're stronger than you know, you can do this

@Shatners I understand your confusion. Family referred to husband and in Laws. I can't exactly go to them about this seeing as they're his family not mine really and especially as they've been really unsupportive before.

ShatnersWig - seems to me obvious that by "family" in her earlier thread the OP meant her husband. She even says in this thread that her OH told her that the Police wouldn't want to know.

How to make him stop?? Use a cheese grater whilst strangling him.... and then leave!

If your just lying there he surely must know your not enjoying it....and he finds that satisfying and normal!!???

I remember once I had a similar exchange with my husband, after about 30 secs he got the message and stopped...then apologised and it never happened again.

There's a complete difference to laying face down and sticking your bum up/grind against him to encourage and show willing to lying there motionless.....

@dido I'd have said husband in that situation personally, but the OP has now clarified herself. As someone had previously aired their suspicion it seemed fair to give the OP chance to clear it up.

@Missing he's not usually abusive in any other way. He's usually very charming. Other than a couple nasty comments and put downs but it doesn't overly effect me. Which is why I didn't know if it was okay.

Nasty comments and put downs are part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. If you speak to a professional about his behaviour I'm sure you will find very much of it is abusive.

Please, please leave as soon as you can. This is rape and you shouldn't accept it because you are married to him. You and your dc deserve so much better. Go to the police and report him and they can help you. He's abusing, controlling and raping you. Get out!!

Hi @femline,

We can see you're getting some good advice and support here on your thread but we just thought we'd add a link to our domestic violence webguide. There are lots of organisations listed on it that can offer you real life support too.

A good starting point would be Women's Aid - they have a free helpline (run in partnership with Refuge) that's open 24 hours a day - 0808 2000 247. Please think about getting in touch - we know they've helped many, many Mumsnetters.

We're also going to move this thread to relationships, as we think you'd get more support there.

OP I'm just adding to the voices here, please get some help. Women's Aid are there any time of day or night and will always listen, support and advise.

You can't leave him by yourself; you're going to need the support of others. If you've no family and can't trust his, find another route. WA will advise you of your safest route.Really, really listen to the help offered here and understand that there are many women here who've been in your shoes and managed to escape, to build themselves a life, to build their own wall away from their abuser. But it begins with a small step, and they're here to help you take your first step.

I would call womens aid in your area or another confidential helpline aimed at sexual violence victims or domestic abuse victims, as hard as it is ask yourself: can you go on living like this? Do you want to go on living like this?
IF the answer is no, then get out now, it won't improve and there will never be a good time to do it. Get some advice from a helpline and get out now.

These men are often very charming, it’s how they get away with it.

No one who loves you would make nasty comments or put you down.

Or AIBU as his wife and do I just go with it?

No you don't just "go with it".

The fact you are his wife does not mean he cannot rape you. The law was changed in 1991 (very late in the day!!!) so that rape was a crime even if you were married to the perpetrator.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape

Don't let your husband gaslight you into thinking this is okay and he has "rights" over you in this way.

Hell, even if it was legal - the fact that he is doing something to make you feel unsafe and unhappy is not on anyway.

The bottom line is he is committing a crime.

Agree with pps - you need to make yourself safe asap.

Oh lala!That's sex slavery.He can't be changed,You change your situation.
I just hope that you'll get help from the women's support...

Have you called women's aid yet, lovely lady? Why not ring then right away, the number is just there ^ xxxx

It's not normal, it's not okay, it's not your wifely duty.

Sweetie, please come back and tell us how you’re getting on.

Womens Aid are amazing. They will give you really good advice and from there you can take the necessary steps to leave.

I know it seems scary but this will be the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child and they WILL help you get out.

Deepd down you know that if you don't go now, it will only get worst.

OP if you’re having trouble getting through to the main WA number scroll down this link until you get to ‘Search by area or local authority’ to find your local service www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ They’re often not 24hr services like the main number but are usually easier to get through to quickly

OP.. I feel guilty and angry and scared...

You have nothing to be guilty about.
You have everything to feel angry about.
Leave and it'll be scary for a short while, but you'll overcome it.
Stay and it'll never stop being scary.