Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How do i make him stop - trigger warning - rape **Thread title edited by MNHQ**

83 replies

femline · 05/10/2018 08:11

I can't handle this anymore and I need help with my OH. This morning he woke up and was touching me sexually. I rolled away but he didn't stop. He asked for sex and I said no. Then for about 5 minutes he sat there begging me "please babe", "you know you want to", etc. In the end I rolled on to my stomach and he just started anyway. So he's.. doing the deed, and I'm kinda just led there with my head in the pillow wishing I was anywhere else. He then out of nowhere started choking me and I could barely breathe. He was squeezing my neck so hard it hurt. I started crying (silently) at this point. He "finished", got up, said "love you" and left for work...

I wish I could say this was the first, or second, or fifth time. How do I stop him? Or AIBU as his wife and do I just go with it?

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 05/10/2018 08:53

Oh op, how can you think this is normal? or acceptable.please get out

StrugglingMumma · 05/10/2018 08:53

THIS IS RAPE! You said no! Take a look at this video if your not sure what consent is. Please seek help from Woman's Aid 080820200020247 & the police.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2018 08:55

Please call Women's Aid or Rape Crisis or the police. Leave him as soon as you safely can

DistanceCall · 05/10/2018 08:58

You can't make him stop.

What you can - and should - do is leave. Now. And take your child with you. This man is dangerous.

NotANotMan · 05/10/2018 08:58

Sweetheart you can't make him stop but you can get yourself and your baby away from him. Call women's aid for advice Flowers

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 05/10/2018 08:59

The only way you stop him, doing it to you at least, is to leave. If you decide to go to the police they will take you seriously. Of course he is going to tell you they won't, he knows he is in deep trouble if you report him. Can you use the time while he is at work to get your things together and get out? Anywhere is better than living with a man that will rape and choke you.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/10/2018 09:01

Agree with everyone else - this isn't normal, this is the actions of someone who doesn't care at all about what you want, or your bodily autonomy.

Leaving is hard, incredibly hard, but totally worth it. You are already at risk - more than "at risk" even, because he's already hurting you.

Flowers
Screaminginsidemeagain · 05/10/2018 09:03

Your GP will have details and know who to get in touch with to help you.

If you are worried about what he will say/do if he thinks you are going to leave then going to the GP about something minor is a ‘safe’ option.

You don’t have to see the doctor the practice nurse or reception can help.

Be brave.
You and your child deserve more and he will never give either of you respect.

HE IS RAPING YOU

HE IS CHOKING YOU

if something happens to you what happens to your child?

You are stronger than you know.

BastardGoDarkly · 05/10/2018 09:06

Jesus christ op.

This is horrifying to read.

He could quite easily kill you, then what would happen to your baby?

Think of yourself, think of your child, get out now, whatever it takes, please , before its too late.

speakout · 05/10/2018 09:07

Op pleas call woman's Aid and/or the police NOW!!!

scarbados · 05/10/2018 09:10

Please take the advice above about getting out today

He's a rapist and you really need to get away before he kills you with his choking 'game'. The police need to know about him and his behaviour.

Mrsmadevans · 05/10/2018 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotANotMan · 05/10/2018 09:12

Mrsmade what's wrong with you? Why post that on a thread like this?

Branleuse · 05/10/2018 09:13

You do not have to live like this. Gather up your self respect . You are worth so much more and you could do so much better, and you could be so much happier

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 09:14

Mrsmadevans then choose not to read it. I think your comment is really nasty and unhelpful. When you’re in an abusive relationship, places to turn for help are extremely limited, why on earth would you try and close off a support network for OP?

It’s not about you ffs

Thebluedog · 05/10/2018 09:14

Police now!

Original poster
femline · 05/10/2018 09:19

In sorry if I've upset anyone by posting this. I just don't have anywhere else to turn. I don't have family, or friends. I'm going to contact womensaid. I'm just trying to come to terms with it all. I feel guilty and angry and scared...

Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 05/10/2018 09:20

You can't make him stop. It's not up to you to try to save him, he is not your responsibility. Get out and get your child away to safety. Ring women's aid at the very least now and the police if you can gather the strength. I'm guessing this won't be the only way he's been abusing you. Hugs, no oneshould have to put up with this

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 09:21

femline don’t apologise, you’ve nothing to apologise for.

Well done deciding to contact women’s aid, I’m sure it’s all really overwhelming and intimidating at the moment. That’s totally normal, it’s absolutely a result of gaslighting and abuse, and it will get better in time.

Baby steps, if it all feels too much at once, one step at a time, to regain control, until you feel strong enough to leave.

You can do this OP, I promise you can. I did, 10 years ago. It felt insurmountable at the time, but my god it’s the best move I ever made.

This doesn’t have to be your reality, you can do this.

bullyingadvice2017 · 05/10/2018 09:22

In my town there is a amazing place called the women's centre. Google if there's one similar near you and sure if someone turned up there with a baby and told them this they would be a lot of help and support

Dragongirl10 · 05/10/2018 09:22

Op nurture the anger, you should be livid with him , what he has done is horrific, use that anger to get you and DC away from him any way you can,
sadly 2 women a week are killed by their current or ex partner, don't let that be you, keep posting for advice from those on here who have experience that can help you......we will all be thinking of you .

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 09:25

And yes, we’re all here, please don’t ever feel you can’t post if you want or need to.

Equally don’t feel pressured to update of course. But if you want to post, and want the support I promise you it’s here.

MiggledyHiggins · 05/10/2018 09:25

This isn't the actions of a loving partner.

Loving partners stop the second their other half says no, or gives any indication that she doesn't want to have sex. They just stop. They might be disappointed but respect her choice.

They don't carry on, because that's rape.

They don't choke, because that's domestic violence.

Choking is something that can go wrong very easily and very quickly. It takes seconds of pressure for the person to lose conciousness. And only a few more seconds after that before they are choked to death, or end up with brain damage. Can you honestly say he would have paid attention to your discomfort while he was choking you given that he didn't care that he was having sex with you against your will, and ignoring your tears and your words. If you were struggling to breathe and stay concious, he would have ignored that too. Probably wouldn't have even noticed if you'd passed out, as he just got up and left.

Please, he is a danger to you. You might think we are over-reacting but we are not. I've been choked by a partner, once. Thankfully I left soon after but looking back, when he was doing it, he was in his own zone and could have easily left me brain damaged or even dead. My counsellor and GP were shocked at my bruised neck and told me I was lucky by seconds.

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/10/2018 09:26

Please also send a text to your health visitor if you can't get through to woman's aid. There are people who will help you today if you can get the courage to start the ball rolling.

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2018 09:26

I've just re-read the OPs other thread about violence where she works. In which she says "Family tell me to just forget about it but I can't" whereas on this thread she says "I have no family"

I took you at your word to begin with, OP. Was I wrong to?